FIC: to this place (to you) - Part One
Aug. 26th, 2012 02:00 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
freakykatTitle: to this place (to you)
Author(s):![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
freakykat
Rating: NC-17
Characters/Pairings: Jake Silbermann/Van Hansis
Summary: I'm conflicted. I inhale now I'm addicted, to this place, to you, babe. We get up, we go down, then we go one more round. I can't stay away.
1.
2002
It's the kind of thing that would happen to him. Jake closes his eyes, shaking his head as he watches the flight taking him back to New York and his family go from delayed to canceled status on the airline departure board. He pulls his falling apart cell phone from his pocket, searching for a signal that doesn't appear. He eyes the relentless fall of snow outside the terminal windows as it covers every inch of runway.
"Fucking awesome."
There's a snort somewhere to his left and Jake turns to find a pair of warm brown eyes staring at him, the corners wrinkling slightly as their owner nods. "I think you said it, man."
Heat rises at the back of his neck but he smiles at the other guy, shrugs helplessly. "There are a lot worse sentences going through my head but I'm trying to be considerate." He jerks his head to the side at the group of kids standing a dozen or so feet from them.
"Yes, because fuck is totally okay."
He lets out a laugh, loud and real, making heads turn in his direction but it's the toothy grin in response that grabs Jake's attention. He steps closer to the row of chairs, plops down with a huff, sticking his hand out. "Hi. Jake."
Something warm unfurls in his stomach when his hand is taken.
"Hi, Jake. I'm Van."
-- --
He'll remember that night in detail for years to come but at that moment Jake doesn't realize the way this meeting -- finding Van -- will completely change his life.
-- --
The airport has canceled all flights, the world outside the glass pane now only nature’s version of white static.
"So your parents live in -- where?"
Van shakes his head, laughs a little. "A town you will have never heard of." Jake glares at him and Van holds his hands up. "Okay. Greenfield, Mass." He watches Jake, biting a grin as gives in and Jake sighs, shrugging his shoulders.
"Alright. You win. Never heard of it."
There's something about Van's laugh that makes Jake feel -- he doesn't have the words for it at that moment. Won't recognize it for a long time to come.
-- --
There are bodies lying prone over almost every foot of floor space in the terminal. Jake is glad that Van had the foresight to find them a corner where they could huddle together, talking quietly about everything that comes to mind.
"It scared the hell out of me." Jake exclaims, nodding with Van as they flip through the magazine someone had left on the floor. "Not the actual zombies though my brothers didn't like the fact they moved so fast."
"Slow moving zombies are the way it should be, man."
Jake laughs and takes another bite from the pizza they'd picked up at one of the concession stands, chews and swallows before saying, "Come on, dude. That's what made it a challenge. Like who can't walk past a bunch of slow-ass brain eaters."
"You say that now..."
Jake shakes his head, tries not to smile like an idiot because he'd bet anything that he looks completely moronic right now. "This is hands down the strangest conversation I've had sober." Van's eyes crinkle, lips twitching at the corners.
"I can't wait to get you drunk."
The white glow of the snow falling outside doesn't register anymore.
-- --
He'd managed to get a signal long enough to tell his mother he wasn't going to be making it home for dinner and half-way ended up explaining why before he got cut off. He hands his cell to Van, smiling wide. "Since yours is dead."
Van gives him a soft smile. "Thanks." He takes the phone from Jake, their fingers brushing and Jake feels a surprising spark under his skin. He blinks at the sensation, flicks his eyes up to Van but he's already walking a few steps away. Jake turns to give him some privacy, taking a deep breath to calm his heart. He rubs sweaty palms against his jeans and pretends he can't hear the way Van's voice softens as he talks.
"Tell them I'll call as soon as I can. Yeah. Me, too."
He smiles when Van hands him his phone back and doesn't ask any questions.
-- --
"Sometimes I feel like I should be doing --" Jake glances over at Van, smiles wryly. "Are you sick of hearing about my made up problems yet?"
Van rolls his eyes. "I'll tell you when that happens. For now, finish that thought. You feel like you should be doing...?"
"Something else."
"Uh, can you be more specific there?"
Jake blows out a breath and shrugs. "I love music. It's been a part of my family, of my life, for as long as I can remember."
"But?"
He pauses and looks away, out into the sky that is now lighting up. He's never been the type to open up easily and these thoughts have been crowded in his head for a long time. Jake has no idea why he wants to tell them to a stranger but he does.
"This is going to sound corny but it doesn't make -- I don't feel it in my soul the way I know my father does. The way I know my brother does." He takes a moment to think before meeting Van's eyes. "It doesn't make my heart sing. Or something equally ridiculous."
Van tries not to laugh but when Jake snorts, they both begin to and it echoes around them for a long time. When they sober up enough, Van shrugs. "Then find something that does."
"It's not that easy."
"I don't think it's supposed to be. Not for something you love."
-- --
They stand in line as agents come around to check their flight information. Jake can see the crowd he'd been with being sent out of the terminal and he feels a little sad. He doesn't want to leave but it's stupid. He turns to look at Van, smiling when he rolls his eyes at the agent explaining again what they're going to be doing. She finishes with a curt nod and Van makes his way over to Jake, holding his hand out and when they touch, Jake fights off the shudder that runs down his spine.
"So."
"I was going to say that."
They laugh, this side of awkward which surprises him because they've been anything but. Jake shoulders his bag, squeezes Van's hand once more before letting go. "See you, Van."
He walks toward his gate, feeling Van's gaze on him the entire way but doesn't turn to meet it.
-- --
2003
"Hello? Silbermann. Yo!"
Jake blinks a few times, pulling his mind back into the present and glances around the table. "Uh. Sorry. What was the question?"
Annie rolls her eyes, clasping her hands together on the table. He's known her since freshman orientation when she'd turned down his offer of a date because "you're not my type, babe. But buy me a coffee anyway." She reminds him of his older sister a little now, always worried about him.
"Dude. What's going on with you, man?" Dan studies him shrewdly as he waves a hand in Jake's general direction. "You've been weird since we got back."
"Nothing." His gaze falls down to the open text on his lap and he ignores the way he's sure Annie is glaring at him. "Let's do that again."
-- --
Jake can't seem to stop thinking about Van. He tries to because it's not like he's going to even see the guy again. He didn't even get his last name which when he finally tells Annie about the airport, and the conversations, she thinks was just plain dumb.
"There's a hot guy that you spent eight hours talking to about things you don't even tell us and you didn't get his whole name?"
In retrospect, Jake realizes that he is definitely an idiot.
-- --
It's March and he's in the middle of practicing for the spring concert. Late nights in the band rooms going through the same notes and songs over and over until it's as perfect as he can get them. He passes the announcement board when he sees the sign up sheet.
Open auditions.
He can hear Van's voice in his head.
"Then find something that does."
He nods once before picking up his case and walking out of the room.
-- --
His brother blinks at him.
"You've changed majors? Just like that?"
Jake shovels another forkful of food into his mouth and shrugs, swallowing before he speaks. He wishes Dee was here. She always backs him up when he needs it.
"Yep. I did."
The twins are at the other end of the table, arguing the finer points of Playstation versus Nintendo. Jake thinks it's a moot point because, come on, XBox, thank you. He opens his mouth to end the argument but he catches the tail end of his brother's question.
"...wasting money and time, don't you think, Dad?"
He loves his family but sometimes, just sometimes...
His father pauses for a moment, meeting Jake's eyes, pointing his fork in Jake's direction. He feels his mother walk back into the room, her hand touching the back of his head in a show of support and Jake stands a little taller in his seat.
"Do you have to switch schools?"
"No."
"Your credits still count toward this?"
"Most of them."
He watches his father's eyes narrow as he studies him. "This make you happy?"
"Yes."
"Okay, good. Now can you pass those potatoes?"
And that's how Jake changes his major to drama in the middle of his sophomore year. He kind of wishes he'd done it earlier.
-- --
That summer he joins the drama department’s program, manages to catch up enough that he won't have to graduate later than he originally planned which makes everyone happy. Annie and Dan make fun of him for the first week, declaring he'll be back with them when school starts again. Jake smiles, shaking his head at them but doesn't bother to argue. After his first performance they don't say anything about switching majors back anymore.
He feels like he fits in his own skin for the first time ever when he's on stage. He wonders if that makes sense because he's playing different people. It has to be at odds that it's more comfortable doing that then it is just being himself. That's still slightly awkward.
He meets other students from different schools and that's one of the best parts of the whole thing. He meets Gray at their first joint workshop. He has blond hair and pretty brown eyes and says yes when Jake asks him out for coffee. There's a part of him that doesn't approve, that thinks he's using Gray to fill in that place that still aches a little when he thinks of Van. (And isn't that ridiculous to feel that way about someone he knew for eight hours.)
But it shuts up fast when Gray's hands are down Jake's pants, curled around his cock.
They spend the summer together and Jake fills his empty spaces with Gray's laugh and smile. He might have fallen in love if -- and he's pretty sure about this -- he hadn't already been in love. Gray hugs him tight when Jake drops him off at the airport. He watches him disappear through security and ignores the way his heart races faster as he watches people go past.
He turns to leave and resists the urge to look for someone that isn't there.
-- --
"You ever wondered where you would have ended up if you hadn't decided to come to 'Cuse?" Annie asks him one day, sprawled out on the floor of his dorm room. He knows she's waiting for Nick to show up. Her crush on him is funny.
"I'd ended up a bum, playing the trumpet for my dinner."
Annie looks back over her shoulder at him, rolling her eyes. "Yeah, I've met your family, Jake. I think not."
He grins at her, closing his economics book -- and he still doesn't know what possessed him to take that course other than some masochistic tendency he tries really hard not to look at closely -- and shrugs. "Probably one of the other schools I applied to."
"How are you an actor, man? No imagination."
He wants to point out that imagination and acting don't always go together. There are enough "actors" in his classes to prove that even something that feels like magic to him can be turned into technical, detached formulas.
"How's Charlie? I haven't seen her around lately."
Jake gives the back of Annie's head a distinct glare. He knows that tone of voice. "We broke up."
"Huh."
"Don't start."
"I didn't say anything."
"You don't have to. I can hear you thinking it."
"I think you may have been reading too many of those comics of yours, Jake. People don't actually develop the ability to read minds in reality."
"Annie..."
She half-turns and her eyes are soft, sad. He doesn't want to hear this again so he gathers his books, throws them on his desk and motions for the door. "Let's go get some coffee."
He can see the war she has going on in her head and sighs in relief when she chooses not to push.
"Fine. But you're getting me the expensive shit to make up for me missing the change to ogle your hot roommate."
"Deal."
-- --
He realizes somewhere near the end of November that he's become something of a -- well, slut is too harsh a word but he's never quite had so many relationships in such a short amount of time. He's only really been with four people (and maybe half a dozen that didn't go past one date of fumbling with pants and shirts and...) but that was a lot.
His sister mentions it during lunch once.
"You dated the same girl for two years."
Jake shrugs. "Maybe I haven't found someone that measures up to that."
She gives him a sympathetic smile and pats his hand. "Just be careful, Jake."
It's the first time he's lied to Dee.
So after he breaks up with Derek, he makes a promise to take a breather, not date seriously. Maybe not date at all. The holidays are meant for family and he hasn't had much of a chance to spend time with them so he says no to another one of the ski trips that'd become tradition. His chest hurts when he thinks about a crowded airport and shining, brown eyes.
Two days before Hanukkah, Nate sends him an invite to a New Year's Eve party he's having and encourages Jake to show up.
theres gonna b some crazy contacts there, man
Jake wants to say no but Annie and Dan are both back home for the holidays and his family is starting to fray at his nerves. He manages to get through Christmas, barely, hiding at Annie's until it's New Years. He dresses casual because this is Nate so really and ends up on a rooftop in the middle of Greenwich Village. The number of people is a little worrisome and he hopes that the building is up to spec. He doesn't want to die falling through the roof. That's just not how he'd like it to end.
"Jacob!"
Jake rolls his eyes but smiles bright when he turns to see Nate. "Really? We having this conversation again?"
"I don't care. It should have totally been Jacob. You're all distinguished that way."
"Oh. Big word."
"Fuck off."
Nate hugs him tight, steering him toward the other end of the roof. There's a huddle of people, trying to keep warm Jake imagines and he can't say it's a bad idea. Body heat for the win if you ask him. They're a few feet away when Jake halts mid-step, stares at the back of dirty blond hair. Something about the way the guy is standing against the wall, is more than a little familiar.
"I want you to meet someone."
Jake turns to look at Nate and glances at the tall, dark-haired guy in front of him. "Hi." He smiles and takes the hand offered. He turns to look back in the direction where he'd seen the blond but finds it empty. Frowning, he barely listens as Nate and the new guy -- Tom, he think is his name -- start talking shop.
Jake surveys the party, tries to discreetly look for the blond because he's that pathetic and he'll probably spend the rest of his life chasing a ghost of his memories.
-- --
The rest of the night is uneventful. Jake meets too many people and has too many drinks to be good for him. He hugs Nate good night before he's too drunk to make down to the street and grab a cab home. Nate tries to convince him to stay until midnight but Jake wants to be alone. He has his reasons.
He walks slowly down the stairs, holding on to the railing as he goes. It's a clear, cold night, and Jake can smell the snow in the air. He adjusts his coat, bringing it closer to his body as he steps out of the door and onto the sidewalk.
The street is pretty empty, midnight New Years Eve in New York isn't exactly the best time to try for a cab. He thinks that maybe he'll walk up another block, knows that the avenue will give him a better chance of finding a taxi. Maybe. There's movement to his right and he tenses, glancing over quickly and freezes.
He hears the cheers from the open windows, people walking on the opposite of the street with their streamers and whistles but he almost can't speak. He croaks out a name.
"Van?"
Something he can't define blooms in his chest when brown eyes flick over to him and widen with recognition.
"Jake?"
-- --
2004
He doesn't know what to do.
Van doesn't believe in fate.
Not really.
There are coincidences that happen. That he understands. The world is a smaller place than most people care to admit. You cross paths with complete strangers and generally think that's it. His experiences have never led him to believe otherwise.
Except that he's facing someone he thought he'd never see again.
Jake's grin is bright and warm, makes Van's stomach churn with feelings he can't really name, and he can't help return it with his own.
"What the hell are you doing here?"
Jake laughs, shrugging as he closes the distance between them and then comes to a stop only a couple of feet from Van. He hesitates for a second, trying to make a decision and before Van can blink, he hugs him, closes his arms around Van's shoulders.
He is warm against Jake's chest. Hands flexing at his sides, Van tries to decide what to do exactly with this. He decides to enjoy it because damn if he hasn't thought about Jake more than he ever should have. Closing his eyes, he brings his hands to Jake's back and pulls him in tight.
"Hi."
Jake's laugh rumbles down his spine and Van swallows against the need that springs up.
"Hi."
-- --
In all the ways that matter, Van is honest. With himself. With other people. As much as he can be, and more often than not, he ends up satisfied with doing or saying what he thinks should be said or done.
He knows that Jake is someone he met once that he hasn't been able to let go of completely. It didn't matter that he was -- had been with someone else -- that he loved someone else -- he'd thought about Jake a lot more than he should have.
That was truth.
He pulls back and returns the smile that Jake is giving him, eyes falling from the blue of Jake's eyes to his mouth and back again.
"Are you stalking me?"
Jake rolls his eyes, smirking at Van. "Be careful, I think your big head is going to hinder your chances of getting into a cab."
Van raises an eyebrow, bites his lip to keep the responding giggle inside. He doesn't giggle, thank you. "Is it a Christmas thing? A tradition that I don't know about? I mean, I'm not big into the holiday but I'm pretty sure it's a little strange, man."
Jake's laugh makes Van feel warm and full. He needs that tonight.
"Are you in a hurry?"
Jake doesn't even glance toward the street, eyes locked with his. "Not even a little bit."
"Good."
-- --
He is heartbroken and lonely and there's nothing more that he wants than to lose himself somewhere for a few hours.
It's New Years and he is alone. Van has spent days in his apartment, trying to figure out what to do. Breaking up was difficult. Breaking up during the holiday was damn near unbearable. So he didn't go out, said no to going home and decided the best course of action was to hide under his covers until the pain passed.
That ache was a constant in his chest.
So he'd sat in front of the television, ordered take-out, smoked until he'd run out and had no choice but to go the store and get more.
And there was Jake. In front of the building he'd come out of.
Like he was supposed to be there.
-- --
They walk toward his apartment, talking about everything and nothing. Van frowns when Jake mentions quitting his music study but in the same minute he grins when Jake explains why.
"Acting."
Jake nods, smiling wide, happy and Van feels that ache inside ease some.
"You inspired me."
It throbs now with an entirely different feeling, one he can't quite understand but Van doesn't want it to stop.
It's the best he's felt in a week.
-- --
His apartment is a mess but Jake doesn't seem to care. He flops down on the couch, looking up at Van like he can't believe this anymore than Van does. His face is fixed in a permanent smile. It stirs everything that's been dormant in Van since --
"Tell me about school."
-- --
He laughs more than he has in weeks. Jake's sense of humor is right up Van's alley. He thinks they could make the best of friends. He can tell how they could balance each other. Where Van waves his hands around, talking like he's gonna run out of words, Jake listens but Van finds himself learning to do the same.
Jake talks about changing his major, how he's almost fallen off stage at his first production, the summer program he was returning to after the year was over.
"I think the theater is for me. I feel...alive up there."
Van nods, understanding perfectly. He has a couple of small plays lined up but it's been hard work to book anything even with his degree. So much of it is instinct, that everything you learned could be turned around on its head.
He tells Jake that, how sometimes it's gonna be harder than it looks.
"But I think it's worth it."
Jake's answering grin tells him he feels the same.
-- --
Jake finds his collection of movies and insists on watching one.
"It's three in the morning."
"You have somewhere to go?" Jake looks at him, one eyebrow raised, arm slung over the back of Van's couch and all he can think is that he'd rather be there than anywhere else.
"No."
Jake hits the play button.
-- --
The Bride has just finished her training when Jake turns to look at him, nudges his arm until Van looks at him. "Hey, Happy New Year."
Van blinks and can't stop the wide smile, nudges Jake back. "Happy New Year."
-- --
They end up sprawled out on Van's couch, legs tangled while they argue about the awesomeness of Kill Bill Part One versus Kill Bill Part Two.
Jake shakes his head at him. "Oh, come on, man. The best fight scenes are in the first part. Not to mention the O-Ren origins section was amazing story telling."
"You have a hard-on for anime."
Jake grins at him, wiggles his eyebrows until Van laughs and it makes him smile wider at Van. It warms him from the inside.
He remembers feeling exactly the same way in that airport, wanting to make Jake keep smiling.
"Now that you have me here what's the plan?" Jake's grin is wide and though Van knows the tone of his voice is teasing, there's something heated behind the words. He shouldn't do what he wants but there's nothing stopping him. Not anymore. Tyler is gone and he needs --
He needs.
Van doesn't think too hard about it as he moves toward Jake, watches as his eyes widen at his approach and then their mouths slant together, breath and tongue and want tangling together. Jake's breath catches at Van's hands under his shirt, his skin warm and inviting. Van swallows the moans that escape, lets some of his own escape.
He pulls at clothes, tearing with a desperation he can't look at closely. Jake follows his actions, hunger in the grip of his hands, in the touch of his mouth on every part of Van he can reach, in his voice, rough and halting. It makes something in Van's stomach curl and he delves his fingers in Jake's hair, tugs until he can reach his mouth.
Everything is a blur as they stumble to his room. Van's back hits the wall when Jake pushes him against it, one knee pressing up into his hard cock. He lets loose a low groan, eyes open slightly to catch the way Jake's darken with intent.
There's a bed and then Jake's hands curled around his hips while his mouth ghosts down Van's body, licking across the skin randomly, making his toes curl inward when he takes Van's cock between his lips. He tries to arch up but Jake's hold tightens and all he can do is make grunting noises. When Jake pulls away, he scrambles to grab at Jake's shoulders, guiding him up to his mouth. Jake aligns their cocks together, grips hard and jerks his hips up as he moves his hand slowly.
Van can't think, feels the rush of his orgasm gather at the base of his spine, burning through him and then it's rolling out of him, spreading over Jake's hand and cock. It takes another tug and Jake follows him, their come pooling on his stomach. Van watches Jake's face, shudders at everything he can see.
He closes his eyes and leans up, slides their mouths together and breathes in.
-- --
It should feel stranger than it does to be in bed with someone else but all Van feels is the warmth of Jake's skin as he lays his head on Jake's shoulders, watches the way his long lashes throw shadows across his cheeks. There's a smile twitching on Jake's mouth and Van strokes one hand down his side, over his hip, splaying his hand across Jake's thigh.
Jake opens his eyes, smile slow and sweet, and laughs quietly. "I started to think I made you up."
Van grins, bites his lip, raising one eyebrow slightly. "Yeah?" He traces one finger over Jake's jaw, leans up to press a kiss to the stubble growing there, nuzzles it and feels Jake's responding grin. Jake's hand creeps up Van's chest, circling his fingers in the hair there, tugging slightly and it makes Van hiss, heat builds in his stomach. He meets Jake's gaze, warm and too close to something Van can't -- won't let himself understand but it shoots right through him anyway.
"Maybe we --"
Van's cell phone rings, the sound cutting off his words. It takes him a minute for it to sink in and when it does, he jerks up, wide eyes falling on the night stand where it sits. He glances back to see Jake watching him. He gives him a smile that is suddenly tinged with something that Van can't read and he gestures to the phone. "I think you need to get that."
Van makes an apologetic face, dropping a quick kiss to Jake's mouth and crawls over to the night stand, grabs the cell and hurries off the bed and into the hallway, closing his bedroom door behind him as he presses the call button. "Hello." It's more breathless than he wants it to be.
There's a quiet pause that makes Van's chest tighten. He hears Tyler breathing as he responds with a quiet, "Hey." There's so much weight behind the word that Van leans back against the wall to keep upright.
"I -- I didn't think you were going to call me."
Tyler sighs. "Van."
He waits, stares at the closed door at his side, frowns when he remembers that Jake is in there, on his bed --
"I miss you."
Van stutters in a breath. "I miss you, too." It hurts to think about how much he has, like a limb was missing and he clears his throat. "Ty, I just -- I hate this."
He hears a broken laugh on the other end of the line and closes his eyes. "You were right to be angry. I should have talked about it but --"
"It's been your dream."
"You're part of that though, Van." This pause is longer but Van feels it through the line, knows it's full of so much more than he can handle. "We need to talk, Van. I want us to -- I want to work this out. I love you."
Van leans his head on the wall, blinks away the wetness in his eyes and says, "Me, too."
-- --
He opens the door to his room ten minutes later and stares for a second at Jake sitting quietly on the bed, putting his shoes on as he glances up at Van, gives him that smile that he did before. "Everything work out?"
Van blinks at him.
"Did you -- could you--"
Jake shakes his head, shrugs one shoulder and his face does a complicated dance that ends in anger. "It was just a guess."
Van enters the room, crouches in front of him, one hand falling on to Jake's thigh. "It's not what you think."
"Really?"
Van rubs one hand over her face. "There's --" He sits on the bed next to Jake, glances at him warily. "When we met I --"
"You were with someone. I know." When Van gives him that look again, Jake rolls his eyes. "You were a little obvious with the phone calls, man." He looks at his feet. "So, that was him? Same guy."
Van nods. "Yes."
Jake takes a deep breath. "That's a long time."
"It is."
He watches Jake tense, his face inscrutable and he glares at Van. "And you cheated on him?"
Van narrows his eyes at the sound of Jake's voice. "No need to sound like that, Jake. We don't know each other but I'd hope you'd realize I wouldn't. So, no. I didn't cheat. We broke up about two months ago."
Jake's face softens. "Oh." He reaches out for Van, grabs one of his hands and squeezes tight. "That must have been hard for you."
Van swallows. Until he'd run back into Jake -- until last night when he'd found him in the middle of the city -- Van had never been more miserable in his entire life, days bleeding into weeks. Until he wanted to never come out of his bed. "I've --"
"Been miserable."
He double takes and wonders if Jake was psychic because he seemed to understand Van better than he did himself. "Pretty much." The hand in his flexes once more and then it's gone.
"And now?"
Van shakes his head. "I don't know." He likes Jake -- more than he has anyone since he'd met Tyler but --
Jake isn't looking at him anymore, standing to reach for his jacket and he meets Van's eyes. "You are going to try again." It's not even a question and Van hides his face in his hands. There's a weight falling on the bed and Jake's arm surrounds his shoulder and he pulls Van closer. "It's okay, Van. We didn't -- there were no promises."
That's a lie.
Last night had been full of promises even if they hadn't used words.
"I just -- I love him."
Jake's voice breaks in the middle as he says, "Then you have to try."
Van leans his head on Jake's shoulders. He wishes -- he doesn't know what he wishes. That he could have them both. The thought makes Van laugh bitterly. That's the most selfish thing in the world.
"We seem to have the worst timing ever, huh?"
Jake snorts. "You speak the truth, my friend."
They sit in the silence of the what could be, the what if and when Jake leaves, kissing Van's cheek one last time, it's like losing something he doesn't understand but knows was important.
|Part Two|
Author(s):
freakykatRating: NC-17
Characters/Pairings: Jake Silbermann/Van Hansis
Summary: I'm conflicted. I inhale now I'm addicted, to this place, to you, babe. We get up, we go down, then we go one more round. I can't stay away.
1.
2002
It's the kind of thing that would happen to him. Jake closes his eyes, shaking his head as he watches the flight taking him back to New York and his family go from delayed to canceled status on the airline departure board. He pulls his falling apart cell phone from his pocket, searching for a signal that doesn't appear. He eyes the relentless fall of snow outside the terminal windows as it covers every inch of runway.
"Fucking awesome."
There's a snort somewhere to his left and Jake turns to find a pair of warm brown eyes staring at him, the corners wrinkling slightly as their owner nods. "I think you said it, man."
Heat rises at the back of his neck but he smiles at the other guy, shrugs helplessly. "There are a lot worse sentences going through my head but I'm trying to be considerate." He jerks his head to the side at the group of kids standing a dozen or so feet from them.
"Yes, because fuck is totally okay."
He lets out a laugh, loud and real, making heads turn in his direction but it's the toothy grin in response that grabs Jake's attention. He steps closer to the row of chairs, plops down with a huff, sticking his hand out. "Hi. Jake."
Something warm unfurls in his stomach when his hand is taken.
"Hi, Jake. I'm Van."
-- --
He'll remember that night in detail for years to come but at that moment Jake doesn't realize the way this meeting -- finding Van -- will completely change his life.
-- --
The airport has canceled all flights, the world outside the glass pane now only nature’s version of white static.
"So your parents live in -- where?"
Van shakes his head, laughs a little. "A town you will have never heard of." Jake glares at him and Van holds his hands up. "Okay. Greenfield, Mass." He watches Jake, biting a grin as gives in and Jake sighs, shrugging his shoulders.
"Alright. You win. Never heard of it."
There's something about Van's laugh that makes Jake feel -- he doesn't have the words for it at that moment. Won't recognize it for a long time to come.
-- --
There are bodies lying prone over almost every foot of floor space in the terminal. Jake is glad that Van had the foresight to find them a corner where they could huddle together, talking quietly about everything that comes to mind.
"It scared the hell out of me." Jake exclaims, nodding with Van as they flip through the magazine someone had left on the floor. "Not the actual zombies though my brothers didn't like the fact they moved so fast."
"Slow moving zombies are the way it should be, man."
Jake laughs and takes another bite from the pizza they'd picked up at one of the concession stands, chews and swallows before saying, "Come on, dude. That's what made it a challenge. Like who can't walk past a bunch of slow-ass brain eaters."
"You say that now..."
Jake shakes his head, tries not to smile like an idiot because he'd bet anything that he looks completely moronic right now. "This is hands down the strangest conversation I've had sober." Van's eyes crinkle, lips twitching at the corners.
"I can't wait to get you drunk."
The white glow of the snow falling outside doesn't register anymore.
-- --
He'd managed to get a signal long enough to tell his mother he wasn't going to be making it home for dinner and half-way ended up explaining why before he got cut off. He hands his cell to Van, smiling wide. "Since yours is dead."
Van gives him a soft smile. "Thanks." He takes the phone from Jake, their fingers brushing and Jake feels a surprising spark under his skin. He blinks at the sensation, flicks his eyes up to Van but he's already walking a few steps away. Jake turns to give him some privacy, taking a deep breath to calm his heart. He rubs sweaty palms against his jeans and pretends he can't hear the way Van's voice softens as he talks.
"Tell them I'll call as soon as I can. Yeah. Me, too."
He smiles when Van hands him his phone back and doesn't ask any questions.
-- --
"Sometimes I feel like I should be doing --" Jake glances over at Van, smiles wryly. "Are you sick of hearing about my made up problems yet?"
Van rolls his eyes. "I'll tell you when that happens. For now, finish that thought. You feel like you should be doing...?"
"Something else."
"Uh, can you be more specific there?"
Jake blows out a breath and shrugs. "I love music. It's been a part of my family, of my life, for as long as I can remember."
"But?"
He pauses and looks away, out into the sky that is now lighting up. He's never been the type to open up easily and these thoughts have been crowded in his head for a long time. Jake has no idea why he wants to tell them to a stranger but he does.
"This is going to sound corny but it doesn't make -- I don't feel it in my soul the way I know my father does. The way I know my brother does." He takes a moment to think before meeting Van's eyes. "It doesn't make my heart sing. Or something equally ridiculous."
Van tries not to laugh but when Jake snorts, they both begin to and it echoes around them for a long time. When they sober up enough, Van shrugs. "Then find something that does."
"It's not that easy."
"I don't think it's supposed to be. Not for something you love."
-- --
They stand in line as agents come around to check their flight information. Jake can see the crowd he'd been with being sent out of the terminal and he feels a little sad. He doesn't want to leave but it's stupid. He turns to look at Van, smiling when he rolls his eyes at the agent explaining again what they're going to be doing. She finishes with a curt nod and Van makes his way over to Jake, holding his hand out and when they touch, Jake fights off the shudder that runs down his spine.
"So."
"I was going to say that."
They laugh, this side of awkward which surprises him because they've been anything but. Jake shoulders his bag, squeezes Van's hand once more before letting go. "See you, Van."
He walks toward his gate, feeling Van's gaze on him the entire way but doesn't turn to meet it.
-- --
2003
"Hello? Silbermann. Yo!"
Jake blinks a few times, pulling his mind back into the present and glances around the table. "Uh. Sorry. What was the question?"
Annie rolls her eyes, clasping her hands together on the table. He's known her since freshman orientation when she'd turned down his offer of a date because "you're not my type, babe. But buy me a coffee anyway." She reminds him of his older sister a little now, always worried about him.
"Dude. What's going on with you, man?" Dan studies him shrewdly as he waves a hand in Jake's general direction. "You've been weird since we got back."
"Nothing." His gaze falls down to the open text on his lap and he ignores the way he's sure Annie is glaring at him. "Let's do that again."
-- --
Jake can't seem to stop thinking about Van. He tries to because it's not like he's going to even see the guy again. He didn't even get his last name which when he finally tells Annie about the airport, and the conversations, she thinks was just plain dumb.
"There's a hot guy that you spent eight hours talking to about things you don't even tell us and you didn't get his whole name?"
In retrospect, Jake realizes that he is definitely an idiot.
-- --
It's March and he's in the middle of practicing for the spring concert. Late nights in the band rooms going through the same notes and songs over and over until it's as perfect as he can get them. He passes the announcement board when he sees the sign up sheet.
Open auditions.
He can hear Van's voice in his head.
"Then find something that does."
He nods once before picking up his case and walking out of the room.
-- --
His brother blinks at him.
"You've changed majors? Just like that?"
Jake shovels another forkful of food into his mouth and shrugs, swallowing before he speaks. He wishes Dee was here. She always backs him up when he needs it.
"Yep. I did."
The twins are at the other end of the table, arguing the finer points of Playstation versus Nintendo. Jake thinks it's a moot point because, come on, XBox, thank you. He opens his mouth to end the argument but he catches the tail end of his brother's question.
"...wasting money and time, don't you think, Dad?"
He loves his family but sometimes, just sometimes...
His father pauses for a moment, meeting Jake's eyes, pointing his fork in Jake's direction. He feels his mother walk back into the room, her hand touching the back of his head in a show of support and Jake stands a little taller in his seat.
"Do you have to switch schools?"
"No."
"Your credits still count toward this?"
"Most of them."
He watches his father's eyes narrow as he studies him. "This make you happy?"
"Yes."
"Okay, good. Now can you pass those potatoes?"
And that's how Jake changes his major to drama in the middle of his sophomore year. He kind of wishes he'd done it earlier.
-- --
That summer he joins the drama department’s program, manages to catch up enough that he won't have to graduate later than he originally planned which makes everyone happy. Annie and Dan make fun of him for the first week, declaring he'll be back with them when school starts again. Jake smiles, shaking his head at them but doesn't bother to argue. After his first performance they don't say anything about switching majors back anymore.
He feels like he fits in his own skin for the first time ever when he's on stage. He wonders if that makes sense because he's playing different people. It has to be at odds that it's more comfortable doing that then it is just being himself. That's still slightly awkward.
He meets other students from different schools and that's one of the best parts of the whole thing. He meets Gray at their first joint workshop. He has blond hair and pretty brown eyes and says yes when Jake asks him out for coffee. There's a part of him that doesn't approve, that thinks he's using Gray to fill in that place that still aches a little when he thinks of Van. (And isn't that ridiculous to feel that way about someone he knew for eight hours.)
But it shuts up fast when Gray's hands are down Jake's pants, curled around his cock.
They spend the summer together and Jake fills his empty spaces with Gray's laugh and smile. He might have fallen in love if -- and he's pretty sure about this -- he hadn't already been in love. Gray hugs him tight when Jake drops him off at the airport. He watches him disappear through security and ignores the way his heart races faster as he watches people go past.
He turns to leave and resists the urge to look for someone that isn't there.
-- --
"You ever wondered where you would have ended up if you hadn't decided to come to 'Cuse?" Annie asks him one day, sprawled out on the floor of his dorm room. He knows she's waiting for Nick to show up. Her crush on him is funny.
"I'd ended up a bum, playing the trumpet for my dinner."
Annie looks back over her shoulder at him, rolling her eyes. "Yeah, I've met your family, Jake. I think not."
He grins at her, closing his economics book -- and he still doesn't know what possessed him to take that course other than some masochistic tendency he tries really hard not to look at closely -- and shrugs. "Probably one of the other schools I applied to."
"How are you an actor, man? No imagination."
He wants to point out that imagination and acting don't always go together. There are enough "actors" in his classes to prove that even something that feels like magic to him can be turned into technical, detached formulas.
"How's Charlie? I haven't seen her around lately."
Jake gives the back of Annie's head a distinct glare. He knows that tone of voice. "We broke up."
"Huh."
"Don't start."
"I didn't say anything."
"You don't have to. I can hear you thinking it."
"I think you may have been reading too many of those comics of yours, Jake. People don't actually develop the ability to read minds in reality."
"Annie..."
She half-turns and her eyes are soft, sad. He doesn't want to hear this again so he gathers his books, throws them on his desk and motions for the door. "Let's go get some coffee."
He can see the war she has going on in her head and sighs in relief when she chooses not to push.
"Fine. But you're getting me the expensive shit to make up for me missing the change to ogle your hot roommate."
"Deal."
-- --
He realizes somewhere near the end of November that he's become something of a -- well, slut is too harsh a word but he's never quite had so many relationships in such a short amount of time. He's only really been with four people (and maybe half a dozen that didn't go past one date of fumbling with pants and shirts and...) but that was a lot.
His sister mentions it during lunch once.
"You dated the same girl for two years."
Jake shrugs. "Maybe I haven't found someone that measures up to that."
She gives him a sympathetic smile and pats his hand. "Just be careful, Jake."
It's the first time he's lied to Dee.
So after he breaks up with Derek, he makes a promise to take a breather, not date seriously. Maybe not date at all. The holidays are meant for family and he hasn't had much of a chance to spend time with them so he says no to another one of the ski trips that'd become tradition. His chest hurts when he thinks about a crowded airport and shining, brown eyes.
Two days before Hanukkah, Nate sends him an invite to a New Year's Eve party he's having and encourages Jake to show up.
theres gonna b some crazy contacts there, man
Jake wants to say no but Annie and Dan are both back home for the holidays and his family is starting to fray at his nerves. He manages to get through Christmas, barely, hiding at Annie's until it's New Years. He dresses casual because this is Nate so really and ends up on a rooftop in the middle of Greenwich Village. The number of people is a little worrisome and he hopes that the building is up to spec. He doesn't want to die falling through the roof. That's just not how he'd like it to end.
"Jacob!"
Jake rolls his eyes but smiles bright when he turns to see Nate. "Really? We having this conversation again?"
"I don't care. It should have totally been Jacob. You're all distinguished that way."
"Oh. Big word."
"Fuck off."
Nate hugs him tight, steering him toward the other end of the roof. There's a huddle of people, trying to keep warm Jake imagines and he can't say it's a bad idea. Body heat for the win if you ask him. They're a few feet away when Jake halts mid-step, stares at the back of dirty blond hair. Something about the way the guy is standing against the wall, is more than a little familiar.
"I want you to meet someone."
Jake turns to look at Nate and glances at the tall, dark-haired guy in front of him. "Hi." He smiles and takes the hand offered. He turns to look back in the direction where he'd seen the blond but finds it empty. Frowning, he barely listens as Nate and the new guy -- Tom, he think is his name -- start talking shop.
Jake surveys the party, tries to discreetly look for the blond because he's that pathetic and he'll probably spend the rest of his life chasing a ghost of his memories.
-- --
The rest of the night is uneventful. Jake meets too many people and has too many drinks to be good for him. He hugs Nate good night before he's too drunk to make down to the street and grab a cab home. Nate tries to convince him to stay until midnight but Jake wants to be alone. He has his reasons.
He walks slowly down the stairs, holding on to the railing as he goes. It's a clear, cold night, and Jake can smell the snow in the air. He adjusts his coat, bringing it closer to his body as he steps out of the door and onto the sidewalk.
The street is pretty empty, midnight New Years Eve in New York isn't exactly the best time to try for a cab. He thinks that maybe he'll walk up another block, knows that the avenue will give him a better chance of finding a taxi. Maybe. There's movement to his right and he tenses, glancing over quickly and freezes.
He hears the cheers from the open windows, people walking on the opposite of the street with their streamers and whistles but he almost can't speak. He croaks out a name.
"Van?"
Something he can't define blooms in his chest when brown eyes flick over to him and widen with recognition.
"Jake?"
-- --
2004
He doesn't know what to do.
Van doesn't believe in fate.
Not really.
There are coincidences that happen. That he understands. The world is a smaller place than most people care to admit. You cross paths with complete strangers and generally think that's it. His experiences have never led him to believe otherwise.
Except that he's facing someone he thought he'd never see again.
Jake's grin is bright and warm, makes Van's stomach churn with feelings he can't really name, and he can't help return it with his own.
"What the hell are you doing here?"
Jake laughs, shrugging as he closes the distance between them and then comes to a stop only a couple of feet from Van. He hesitates for a second, trying to make a decision and before Van can blink, he hugs him, closes his arms around Van's shoulders.
He is warm against Jake's chest. Hands flexing at his sides, Van tries to decide what to do exactly with this. He decides to enjoy it because damn if he hasn't thought about Jake more than he ever should have. Closing his eyes, he brings his hands to Jake's back and pulls him in tight.
"Hi."
Jake's laugh rumbles down his spine and Van swallows against the need that springs up.
"Hi."
-- --
In all the ways that matter, Van is honest. With himself. With other people. As much as he can be, and more often than not, he ends up satisfied with doing or saying what he thinks should be said or done.
He knows that Jake is someone he met once that he hasn't been able to let go of completely. It didn't matter that he was -- had been with someone else -- that he loved someone else -- he'd thought about Jake a lot more than he should have.
That was truth.
He pulls back and returns the smile that Jake is giving him, eyes falling from the blue of Jake's eyes to his mouth and back again.
"Are you stalking me?"
Jake rolls his eyes, smirking at Van. "Be careful, I think your big head is going to hinder your chances of getting into a cab."
Van raises an eyebrow, bites his lip to keep the responding giggle inside. He doesn't giggle, thank you. "Is it a Christmas thing? A tradition that I don't know about? I mean, I'm not big into the holiday but I'm pretty sure it's a little strange, man."
Jake's laugh makes Van feel warm and full. He needs that tonight.
"Are you in a hurry?"
Jake doesn't even glance toward the street, eyes locked with his. "Not even a little bit."
"Good."
-- --
He is heartbroken and lonely and there's nothing more that he wants than to lose himself somewhere for a few hours.
It's New Years and he is alone. Van has spent days in his apartment, trying to figure out what to do. Breaking up was difficult. Breaking up during the holiday was damn near unbearable. So he didn't go out, said no to going home and decided the best course of action was to hide under his covers until the pain passed.
That ache was a constant in his chest.
So he'd sat in front of the television, ordered take-out, smoked until he'd run out and had no choice but to go the store and get more.
And there was Jake. In front of the building he'd come out of.
Like he was supposed to be there.
-- --
They walk toward his apartment, talking about everything and nothing. Van frowns when Jake mentions quitting his music study but in the same minute he grins when Jake explains why.
"Acting."
Jake nods, smiling wide, happy and Van feels that ache inside ease some.
"You inspired me."
It throbs now with an entirely different feeling, one he can't quite understand but Van doesn't want it to stop.
It's the best he's felt in a week.
-- --
His apartment is a mess but Jake doesn't seem to care. He flops down on the couch, looking up at Van like he can't believe this anymore than Van does. His face is fixed in a permanent smile. It stirs everything that's been dormant in Van since --
"Tell me about school."
-- --
He laughs more than he has in weeks. Jake's sense of humor is right up Van's alley. He thinks they could make the best of friends. He can tell how they could balance each other. Where Van waves his hands around, talking like he's gonna run out of words, Jake listens but Van finds himself learning to do the same.
Jake talks about changing his major, how he's almost fallen off stage at his first production, the summer program he was returning to after the year was over.
"I think the theater is for me. I feel...alive up there."
Van nods, understanding perfectly. He has a couple of small plays lined up but it's been hard work to book anything even with his degree. So much of it is instinct, that everything you learned could be turned around on its head.
He tells Jake that, how sometimes it's gonna be harder than it looks.
"But I think it's worth it."
Jake's answering grin tells him he feels the same.
-- --
Jake finds his collection of movies and insists on watching one.
"It's three in the morning."
"You have somewhere to go?" Jake looks at him, one eyebrow raised, arm slung over the back of Van's couch and all he can think is that he'd rather be there than anywhere else.
"No."
Jake hits the play button.
-- --
The Bride has just finished her training when Jake turns to look at him, nudges his arm until Van looks at him. "Hey, Happy New Year."
Van blinks and can't stop the wide smile, nudges Jake back. "Happy New Year."
-- --
They end up sprawled out on Van's couch, legs tangled while they argue about the awesomeness of Kill Bill Part One versus Kill Bill Part Two.
Jake shakes his head at him. "Oh, come on, man. The best fight scenes are in the first part. Not to mention the O-Ren origins section was amazing story telling."
"You have a hard-on for anime."
Jake grins at him, wiggles his eyebrows until Van laughs and it makes him smile wider at Van. It warms him from the inside.
He remembers feeling exactly the same way in that airport, wanting to make Jake keep smiling.
"Now that you have me here what's the plan?" Jake's grin is wide and though Van knows the tone of his voice is teasing, there's something heated behind the words. He shouldn't do what he wants but there's nothing stopping him. Not anymore. Tyler is gone and he needs --
He needs.
Van doesn't think too hard about it as he moves toward Jake, watches as his eyes widen at his approach and then their mouths slant together, breath and tongue and want tangling together. Jake's breath catches at Van's hands under his shirt, his skin warm and inviting. Van swallows the moans that escape, lets some of his own escape.
He pulls at clothes, tearing with a desperation he can't look at closely. Jake follows his actions, hunger in the grip of his hands, in the touch of his mouth on every part of Van he can reach, in his voice, rough and halting. It makes something in Van's stomach curl and he delves his fingers in Jake's hair, tugs until he can reach his mouth.
Everything is a blur as they stumble to his room. Van's back hits the wall when Jake pushes him against it, one knee pressing up into his hard cock. He lets loose a low groan, eyes open slightly to catch the way Jake's darken with intent.
There's a bed and then Jake's hands curled around his hips while his mouth ghosts down Van's body, licking across the skin randomly, making his toes curl inward when he takes Van's cock between his lips. He tries to arch up but Jake's hold tightens and all he can do is make grunting noises. When Jake pulls away, he scrambles to grab at Jake's shoulders, guiding him up to his mouth. Jake aligns their cocks together, grips hard and jerks his hips up as he moves his hand slowly.
Van can't think, feels the rush of his orgasm gather at the base of his spine, burning through him and then it's rolling out of him, spreading over Jake's hand and cock. It takes another tug and Jake follows him, their come pooling on his stomach. Van watches Jake's face, shudders at everything he can see.
He closes his eyes and leans up, slides their mouths together and breathes in.
-- --
It should feel stranger than it does to be in bed with someone else but all Van feels is the warmth of Jake's skin as he lays his head on Jake's shoulders, watches the way his long lashes throw shadows across his cheeks. There's a smile twitching on Jake's mouth and Van strokes one hand down his side, over his hip, splaying his hand across Jake's thigh.
Jake opens his eyes, smile slow and sweet, and laughs quietly. "I started to think I made you up."
Van grins, bites his lip, raising one eyebrow slightly. "Yeah?" He traces one finger over Jake's jaw, leans up to press a kiss to the stubble growing there, nuzzles it and feels Jake's responding grin. Jake's hand creeps up Van's chest, circling his fingers in the hair there, tugging slightly and it makes Van hiss, heat builds in his stomach. He meets Jake's gaze, warm and too close to something Van can't -- won't let himself understand but it shoots right through him anyway.
"Maybe we --"
Van's cell phone rings, the sound cutting off his words. It takes him a minute for it to sink in and when it does, he jerks up, wide eyes falling on the night stand where it sits. He glances back to see Jake watching him. He gives him a smile that is suddenly tinged with something that Van can't read and he gestures to the phone. "I think you need to get that."
Van makes an apologetic face, dropping a quick kiss to Jake's mouth and crawls over to the night stand, grabs the cell and hurries off the bed and into the hallway, closing his bedroom door behind him as he presses the call button. "Hello." It's more breathless than he wants it to be.
There's a quiet pause that makes Van's chest tighten. He hears Tyler breathing as he responds with a quiet, "Hey." There's so much weight behind the word that Van leans back against the wall to keep upright.
"I -- I didn't think you were going to call me."
Tyler sighs. "Van."
He waits, stares at the closed door at his side, frowns when he remembers that Jake is in there, on his bed --
"I miss you."
Van stutters in a breath. "I miss you, too." It hurts to think about how much he has, like a limb was missing and he clears his throat. "Ty, I just -- I hate this."
He hears a broken laugh on the other end of the line and closes his eyes. "You were right to be angry. I should have talked about it but --"
"It's been your dream."
"You're part of that though, Van." This pause is longer but Van feels it through the line, knows it's full of so much more than he can handle. "We need to talk, Van. I want us to -- I want to work this out. I love you."
Van leans his head on the wall, blinks away the wetness in his eyes and says, "Me, too."
-- --
He opens the door to his room ten minutes later and stares for a second at Jake sitting quietly on the bed, putting his shoes on as he glances up at Van, gives him that smile that he did before. "Everything work out?"
Van blinks at him.
"Did you -- could you--"
Jake shakes his head, shrugs one shoulder and his face does a complicated dance that ends in anger. "It was just a guess."
Van enters the room, crouches in front of him, one hand falling on to Jake's thigh. "It's not what you think."
"Really?"
Van rubs one hand over her face. "There's --" He sits on the bed next to Jake, glances at him warily. "When we met I --"
"You were with someone. I know." When Van gives him that look again, Jake rolls his eyes. "You were a little obvious with the phone calls, man." He looks at his feet. "So, that was him? Same guy."
Van nods. "Yes."
Jake takes a deep breath. "That's a long time."
"It is."
He watches Jake tense, his face inscrutable and he glares at Van. "And you cheated on him?"
Van narrows his eyes at the sound of Jake's voice. "No need to sound like that, Jake. We don't know each other but I'd hope you'd realize I wouldn't. So, no. I didn't cheat. We broke up about two months ago."
Jake's face softens. "Oh." He reaches out for Van, grabs one of his hands and squeezes tight. "That must have been hard for you."
Van swallows. Until he'd run back into Jake -- until last night when he'd found him in the middle of the city -- Van had never been more miserable in his entire life, days bleeding into weeks. Until he wanted to never come out of his bed. "I've --"
"Been miserable."
He double takes and wonders if Jake was psychic because he seemed to understand Van better than he did himself. "Pretty much." The hand in his flexes once more and then it's gone.
"And now?"
Van shakes his head. "I don't know." He likes Jake -- more than he has anyone since he'd met Tyler but --
Jake isn't looking at him anymore, standing to reach for his jacket and he meets Van's eyes. "You are going to try again." It's not even a question and Van hides his face in his hands. There's a weight falling on the bed and Jake's arm surrounds his shoulder and he pulls Van closer. "It's okay, Van. We didn't -- there were no promises."
That's a lie.
Last night had been full of promises even if they hadn't used words.
"I just -- I love him."
Jake's voice breaks in the middle as he says, "Then you have to try."
Van leans his head on Jake's shoulders. He wishes -- he doesn't know what he wishes. That he could have them both. The thought makes Van laugh bitterly. That's the most selfish thing in the world.
"We seem to have the worst timing ever, huh?"
Jake snorts. "You speak the truth, my friend."
They sit in the silence of the what could be, the what if and when Jake leaves, kissing Van's cheek one last time, it's like losing something he doesn't understand but knows was important.
|Part Two|
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2012-08-27 08:04 am (UTC)Lol, I got so weirdly excited at the end, though, even with the ow, when I realized it was new to me. Jake, you're so damn noble!
Have to read the rest (DIRTY!) tomorrow! It's 4 am!
:)
no subject
Date: 2012-09-08 03:32 am (UTC)THANK YOU SO MUCH! <3
no subject
Date: 2012-08-27 10:52 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-09-08 03:32 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-09-01 08:10 am (UTC)And there was Jake. In front of the building he'd come out of.
Like he was supposed to be there. Fate is a killer, right?! So connected already but wrong timing!!
no subject
Date: 2012-09-08 03:33 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-09-27 04:24 pm (UTC)This is gripping, and I hate how noble Jake is at the end. Sue me, I want them together.
Very nice.
no subject
Date: 2012-09-28 02:00 pm (UTC)Thank you!