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freakykatTitle: crumble and fall (like an animal)
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
freakykat
Rating: NC-17
Characters/Pairings: Kris Allen/Adam Lambert
Summary: Kris knew from the first moment he met Adam that they were supposed to be something important.
It's like the start of so many dreams he's had over the last few years that Adam almost believes for one second that Kris isn't actually standing in front of him. That it's all in his head. But then Kris smiles again, that slow-burner one that gives him this ridiculous kick of want in his gut, and he knows this isn't a fantasy: it's Kris, standing in front of him right now.
He should move, he knows that much, but it's been too long since he actually thought this would happen that it's like his mind is completely stuck on the fact that Kris is here.
The silence stretches until it's more than awkward, Kris' smile falling in increments until his face is blank, eyes flitting away from Adam's.
There's someone standing next to him and he feels a gentle push in his mind that makes him break the moment.
“What are you doing here?”
It comes out terse, a little angry, and he hadn't meant it to, that but there it is. He knows it's irrational to feel that way because –
“I came to see you, obviously.”
Adam pauses for a moment at the sarcastic tone in Kris' voice. It's one he’s rarely heard before and never directed at him. Though, really, it shouldn't shock him at all. He can see something flash in Kris' eyes when he glances up at Adam, but it's gone as soon as it came and then he's focused on Alisan standing next to Adam, that easy smile on his face again.
“You must be Alisan.” He sticks his hand out to her, waits until she grips it before flashing her a quick grin. “Brad likes you. A lot.”
“Wait...Brad?” Adam blinks and looks around the bar quickly, because he wouldn't put it past Brad to jump out at him and take him down before Adam has a chance to defend himself. He turns back to Kris and raises an eyebrow.
Kris shakes his head. “He's not here now. It's just me.” He motions to an empty booth and holds Adam's stare. “Can we sit down for a minute?”
He wants to say no. It's forming on his lips when Alisan digs her fingernails into his arm and leads them to the booth. He can see Kris from the corner of his eye and turns to look at him as he stops at the edge of the table.
“It's not going to take long, Adam.”
He ignores the way his heart speeds up at Kris' voice, the way his name falls from his mouth, the resignation that Adam is going to break his heart clear in his eyes. He can still read Kris better than anyone, he thinks. He can feel his fear wrapped around love and anger, emotions that have always been easy for Adam but not Kris. He thinks he can push further, actually manage to read Kris' mind but Alisan's voice draws him out.
“I'll go get us some drinks,” Alisan says, giving Adam a shake of her head and patting Kris' shoulder on her way to the bar. Adam forgets sometimes how strong her powers can be. Someone like Kris is like an open book for her. He glances back at his – he doesn't even know what to call him anymore – sitting across from him. There's a sudden loss of something between them and Adam realizes Kris has locked him out completely. The irritation he feels isn't fair but it's there nonetheless.
He knows how to handle this, has been pretty much preparing for it since he disappeared and makes his body relax, lounges back into his seat and meets Kris' steady gaze with one of his own. The smile he sends Kris is slow, meant to distract, charm, and Adam falls into the act easily. “Well, Kristopher, you look good.”
Kris' eyebrows go up before he looks down at himself then back at Adam skeptically. “I doubt that highly, Adam. But I appreciate you saying it anyway.”
Adam wants to protest, clenches a fist as he watches Kris throw another smile Alisan's way when she places a drink in front of him. He's always hated that Kris can't see what Adam does. Those big brown eyes you can drown in, the wide mouth: pouty and full, that always produced warm grins. Kris' face had always been beautiful to him. He doesn't actually say any of that because there are things Kris doesn't need to know Adam thinks about.
Like how Adam's heart starts beating faster when he looks at Kris and he smiles or how just being this close is making him hard. The truth of the matter is that Adam wants to climb Kris and touch him, kiss him, fuck him until they both can't bear it. It's not a new sensation but it's never been this strong, this complete, and Adam knows that Kris has been right along.
He closes his eyes and breathes steadily.
Mates.
Fuck.
“Adam?”
His eyes pop open and he glances at Kris who is looking at him with concern. Adam flicks his gaze to the stage so he doesn't have to see that on Kris' face. This is going to be hard enough.
“What's going on, Kris? It's been five years and I –”
“You need to come home.”
Adam freezes, turns his head slowly to stare at Kris, blinking a few times because he's pretty sure he didn't just hear that. Kris had promised. He knows –
“You – no, you're not. Kris, we – you know I can't.”
“Hear me out –”
Adam shakes his head, fingers trembling against the table and he sees Kris look down at his hands, shutting down the words he'd been about to say. When he meets Adam's eyes, there's so much pain there that it takes him aback.
Kris' voice is soft when he says, “I would never have come – I wouldn't ask if I had any other choice, Adam. You know that.”
And damn if Adam doesn't know that's the truth.
He hears the tremor in his Kris’ voice, remembers what it means when he holds himself so still, the glint in his eyes tells Adam that Kris isn't going to just back down from this with a simple 'no' from him.
Not looking up from the table, Adam folds his hands together and takes a deep breath.
“It took me three months to get out of bed. You remember?” He feels Kris' nod rather than sees it. “And when I did all I wanted to do was run away from every memory of Drake. I loved him and because of that he died.” He stops Kris' protest with a quick hand gesture. “Maybe I wasn't the one that tore him to pieces, but you and I both know I was the one that put him in that position.”
“You talk about him like he didn't have a mind of his own. As if he didn't understand what the risks were being with you...to be a part of what we are.” Kris' says tightly and that makes Adam raise his head to look at him. His face is completely blank, but the fire in his eyes sparks heat and want inside of Adam. It’s so fierce and bright that he has to clutch his hand on the table edge to keep from moving.
“It was my job to protect him. I didn't.”
Kris sighs. “It's not your job to protect me. I can do that on my own. This wouldn't be the same, Adam.”
He knows that.
This would be worse.
Losing Drake had left him paralyzed with fear and guilt. It shouldn't have happened. Drake should never have been a target. But Adam had been too much of a coward to admit what had been in front of his eyes. He'd used Drake to avoid the truth and because of that he was dead. That was what he couldn't let go of.
But if he went home – if he did what they wanted him to do – and something happened –
Adam knows he could never survive losing Kris. He needs to make sure that doesn't happen, so he digs deep, closes off his face and gives Kris his patented smirk. “Of course not. You're not my boyfriend. You aren't human and fragile. You won't be used as a way to hurt me, because that's not who you are to me.”
He feels a little sick by the words he's saying. Alisan had come by to refresh their drinks and is standing at the edge of the booth, staring at him, bug-eyed and stunned. She knew the truth. She'd heard Adam cry over missing his family. Over not being able to be with Kris. Adam had told her what he felt for Kris – how it was overwhelming and addicting.
Alisan knew the real reason he'd run so far away.
He kept his eyes on Kris, though, waiting for the devastation Kris had shown so many years ago when Adam had lied – had told him he didn't love him that way. It had ripped a hole right through Adam's heart and he'd hoped to never have to repeat it. Yet here he was.
Adam thinks he might have done the job too well the first time, because Kris doesn't flinch, his eyes steady on Adam's as he takes in everything Adam said. Something flickers over his face, but it's gone before Adam can read it and he's surprised when Kris nods like he had expected this.
“I understand that. That's not what I was implying at all. But you're the only hope we have.”
Adam shrugs, can't look at Kris. “Then I'm sorry for you. Because I'm not going to be able to help you.” He waves a hand around. “This is my life, Kris. I like it. I do what I love.” He points at Alisan as he continues. “I have friends – family I chose.” It's a low blow and there's just a bit of satisfaction when he sees Kris' face twitch before he’s able to school it into passive blankness again. It reassures Adam that he's not taking to a robot or an impostor. The control Kris has now is impressive.
“I'm not going back.” He wants to make that very clear to Kris.
Kris sighs, nodding as he looks at his hands. “You're not even going to listen. I knew that.” He sounds somewhat disappointed but really, that's not his problem. Kris knew what Adam would say.
He meets Adam's gaze. “I can wait.”
Kris stands up, smiling at Alisan as he lays down enough cash to cover the bill and tip. Adam starts to protest, but Kris is walking around the nearby tables, is across the room and out the door before he can even formulate an argument.
Adam stares at the spot where Kris had been long after he's gone. He senses Alisan and brings his eyes to hers.
Her smile is radiant. “I like him.”
He should have realized it wasn't going to be that easy. He knows Kris almost as well as he's known anyone in his life.
The little fucker is stubborn.
He burrows into your heart and life, no matter what you do to keep him out, and the worst of the matter is that he doesn't purposely do anything for that to happen. He's just his awesome self and you find that your life is better for having him in it. Adam made himself forget about that part in the last five years.
But now he can't, because Kris is everywhere.
The morning after their discussion – if that's what you can call an ambush – he walks into his favorite cafe, the one down the block from his apartment and stops dead in his tracks at the door. Kris is leaning across the counter talking to Cam. She throws her head back at whatever Kris says, reaching out to straighten up his shirt collar and Adam squelches the irrational need to slap her hands away.
Kris turns and sees him, pulls back and smiles softly, waving shyly.
Adam swivels on his heel and walks out.
“He asked me about a place to stay.”
Adam chokes on the drink Alisan had just dropped at his table, turning huge eyes up at her as he croaked out a “He what?”
She shrugs, giving him the same disapproving look she has for a week now. Alisan wants him to talk to Kris, to listen, and Adam – he can't. No one seems to realize that. Especially none of his supposed friends who've been charmed by Kris.
“I let him rent Scarlett's room until she comes home.”
“You what?”
Alisan rolls her eyes and walks away.
“If you would just talk to the dude then maybe it would end. Did you think about that?” Tommy snaps at him after the third rant Adam lays on him about Kris in as many hours. “You're being a bitch, Adam.”
It's not that fucking simple.
He knows what Kris wants and he's not capable of it. That's not who he is.
“You have no idea what you're talking about.”
Tommy makes a face, glancing at the bar where Kris is handing out drinks. He'd gotten the job at the club the second week he'd been in town, somehow completely winning Sasha over. Adam watches as one of the regulars – he thinks his name is Darren – saunters up and grins at Kris.
“Maybe what he wants has changed, Adam.”
When Kris flashes a grin at Darren and then laughs loud enough for Adam to feel it in his bones, something burns in his gut.
He does eventually start talking to him because all of his friends love Kris. Adam wants to shake them all for it. He can't avoid Kris when he goes out for dinner with them, when he goes dancing with them (although Kris hasn't changed in regards to that and won't get out on the floor), when Adam runs into him when he's getting coffee or coming out of his apartment. Kris is stalking him into submission. Adam never goes looking for him or starts conversations but he realizes he doesn't act like Kris is the devil anymore every time he sees him.
Kris doesn't tell him what he wants though. Adam keeps expecting it but Kris never brings anything up.
So he has no choice but to say something to him.
He finds him at the club before opening one night, talking with Sasha as he dries glasses. Adam plops down next to Sasha, kisses her cheek and turns to Kris. “Hey.”
He pauses for a moment, looks at Adam and nods. “Hey yourself.”
“Enjoying the job?”
“It's alright.” He grabs another glass and begins rubbing at it, short and angry moves. He can still read Adam pretty well, then, so why bother pretending.
“When are you going home?”
Sasha scowls at him over her newspaper but doesn't comment.
Kris doesn't take his eyes off his chore. “When you come with me.”
And that was the end of that conversation.
There's something different about Kris.
It's not the obvious, like how really fucking good he looks, because that's not entirely new. Kris has always been beautiful to him. The quiet confidence he'd always had is still there. Adam watches him move around the club, his moves graceful and quick. He still makes friends easily anywhere he goes – which doesn't help Adam to get rid of him – and he listens like every word you say matters. Adam loves that best about him, always has.
It takes a few weeks of quietly studying him as he works or talks with Adam's friends that it hits him.
Kris' smile is different.
It's still brilliant and makes Adam's insides shake when it’s directed at him (despite Adam's constant angry one word greetings) but it's less open than he remembers. There's darkness in him, something sad and pained in Kris' eyes at times. He shakes it off quickly, but Adam catches him probably because he knows Kris' face, his expressions, what he looks like when he's really happy.
Adam tries not to think about that he’s probably the reason for Kris closing off.
Kris doesn't seek him out or anything. He doesn't stalk Adam or get in his way when they end up in the same room. It might be easier for Adam if he did. If he could muster up more anger, anything to push against the lure of having him so close.
He'd forgotten how funny Kris was without even trying. Adam will be sitting at the bar and Kris will all of sudden make a catty comment about one of the customers and he'll find himself laughing hard, meeting Kris twinkling eyes.
There's a kindness to Kris that Adam has rarely seen in people – this empathy for the ones hurting around him. For a while, when they were kids, his mother had been convinced Kris had more than the normal powers that came with their kind. But Kris simply felt too much and that extended to anyone close to him.
He tries to makes Adam feel better when he's having one of his bad days. Most people leave him be when he gets like this. He picks the darkest corner of the club and sits to watch the performances. Drinks and mauls over things he'd rather not think about. It's been happening more and more over the last year. This itch that makes it impossible to sleep at night. It'd been a while since it's happened but it's closer to the surface now, unable to be avoided.
Kris takes his break, brings Adam a refill and then flops next to him, chatters quietly about everything and nothing. He doesn't seem to expect Adam to reply so he doesn't, just lets the words wash over him. Kris leaves when it's his turn back at the bar, skimming a hand over Adam's shoulder and squeezes.
Adam feels the phantom touch of his fingers for hours.
He shows up at Alisan’s with a pizza and Kris' favorite movies.
The smile he receives makes his insides feel a little wobbly. He's learned over the years to ignore that, so he smiles back and walks toward the entertainment center. Over pepperoni with extra cheese and the dumbest action movie in the world, it comes flooding back. The memories of growing up with Kris, the first time he met him, the first time he realized what it meant that he shivered when Kris was near. He glances over; Kris' attention is completely on what's happening on the screen, and he has to clench his hand to keep from reaching out.
It's a little like torture but he can't help himself.
So many years without feeding on Kris' light and love have left him starving for it.
He forces his eyes back at the television and leans closer to Kris, drinks in the warmth he generates and lets that be enough.
“You need to tell him.”
Adam doesn't glance up from the books. Math has never been his forte and he has to concentrate to get the figures to make sense.
“Adam.”
“Leave it alone, Ali.”
“He should know why you left. The real reason.”
He locks eyes with her. “Don't.”
She lets out an angry noise and stomps to the backroom. Adam hopes she does the inventory he'd asked her to do two hours ago while she’s in there.
Sighing, Adam goes back to his calculations.
“Alisan says there's something I don't know.” Kris says a few days later and Adam drops the spoon he'd been using to stir the pasta he was making for him.
“There's tons you don't know yet, Kristopher. Like when to stop being stubborn.”
“Hmmm.”
Adam raises an eyebrow, mouth twitching up and he's proud of how steady his voice is. “You going home soon?”
Kris shrugs. “You ready to come with me?”
Adam points a finger at him. “See?”
Kris rolls his eyes but the smile he tries to cover is amused.
Kris doesn't play music anymore.
Adam notices this about the forth week that Kris is working at the bar. Sasha asks if anyone can play the piano for one of the acts coming up since their piano player is a no show. He looks down the bar at Kris. He's staring hard at the glass he's cleaning and doesn't volunteer for it. One of their regulars, Greg, says he can do it and Sasha high-fives him as she takes him up to the stage.
He doesn't say anything until he sees the longing glance Kris gives the piano on his way out the door after his shift is over.
Adam grabs his jacket, says goodnight to the clean-up crew and steps out after Kris. The night air is thick with the impending rain that's been threatening for days. He calls out to Kris. When he gets up to him, he nudges him with his shoulder and asks. “Was there a reason you didn't want to play tonight?”
Kris tenses, moves away from Adam and shakes his head. “I don't – do that – anymore.”
Adam frowns. “Don't do what? Play the piano?”
Kris shrugs. “Play music.”
That's not what he was expecting.
“Wait-- what?”
“I don't want to talk about this, Adam.”
He wishes he could push, but he doesn't have a right. Not when he asks Kris to leave his own scars alone.
“Okay.”
Kris seems relieved and throws him a wary smile. “Okay.”
He almost kisses Kris.
They manage to have a day off together and Kris convinces Adam to show him the town. He's aware that Kris has been to San Francisco on business before, because Adam kept those kinds of tabs on him, but Kris reassures him that he's not trying to waste his time.
“I've never been a tourist, Adam. Stop being stupid and show me around your city.”
In the end, they spend the day doing all those things Adam's avoided for years. He takes Kris to the Golden Gate Bridge and Golden Gate Park, Fisherman's Wharf and Ghirardelli Square. He feels ridiculous but underneath all that there's this happiness he hasn’t felt since he left home.
It's not much of a revelation when he realizes it's because Kris is his home, that when he looks at him all he can feel is love.
Kris turns his head to smile at him and Adam leans down, stopping when Kris' eyes widen, lips parting in surprise.
Adam pulls away, wipes his hands on his jeans, clearing his throat as he motions to the waiting car.
“We should get home.”
“I think this is the craziest idea you've ever had.”
Adam snorts. “Not even close, Kris. I've had way worse.” He can feel Kris roll his eyes but he doesn't care, grabbing another record from the top shelf of his dad's closet. He places gently into his bag like he had the others then wraps a hand around Kris' wrist, heading out the door. They avoid their parents who are spending their visit catching up in the garden, laughing and joking.
Adam's relieved because it's been a while since his parents had a lot to be happy about. It's been three years since his change, though, and he thinks they've gotten used to the idea. They love the Allens like family and that had helped, but he knows that his mother was devastated Adam couldn't live with them anymore.
But that's before and things are better. He's happy where he is. It doesn't hurt that he's going to be king one day. He follows Kris up to his room, glances at the back of his best friend's head and frowns. The only thing that bothers him is that at times he feels like he's taking what belongs to Kris.
When they reach Kris' room, Adam drops on the bed, and watches Kris pull out the old record player he'd found in one of the storage rooms a few weeks ago. He grins up at Adam, pushing his legs out of the way and settles the player on the bed. Adam fishes out the first record and hands it to him, grinning at the gentle way Kris handles it. “It's not made of paper, man.”
Kris ignores him and when he finally manages to get it playing, Adam claps enthusiastically. They lie back on the bed, listening to the sweet notes of music, Kris is smiling softly and Adam understands why he loves The Beatles so much. There's depth in it that you don't expect from such light-hearted music. But if you pay attention, it's got so much to say.
He leans up on his elbows and smiles down at Kris, eyes closed and a happy little smile on his face. Adam bumps his arm and when Kris eyes open he says softly, “This reminds me of you.”
Kris blinks.
“I mean, unexpected, you know? But in a good way.” Adam trips his words out of his mouth and when Kris only continues to stare, he starts to take it back.
But then Kris is leaning up, in Adam's space and the next breath, his mouth covers Adams. He freezes in place, Kris' lips tugging at his and for one second he opens his mouth, hears the groan that escapes from his own throat. He falls into Kris for a moment, takes in the sharp release of air and then Adam's brain catches up with the rest of him. He places hands on Kris' shoulders and gently pushes him away.
“Kris, what – what was that?”
Kris goes pale, eyes shiny and pained as he stammers. “Oh, god. I'm sorry. Adam, I just -” Kris covers his face with his hands and Adam heart falls into his stomach.
“No-no, it's okay. I-I – just. Kris, I'm not sure – I wasn't prepared for that, you know. But – I –” His fingers are trembling, mind running rampant with all these words he can't seem to get out.
He takes a moment to compose himself and sits next to Kris. It's not like he hadn't been aware that Kris looks at him differently than before. Adam hadn't looked too closely because Kris was his best friend and almost like family. “You know I love you. You're my best friend but -” His heart is hammering away in his chest, his body thrumming with awareness. This can't happen with Kris. There's too much at stake and if Adam screws it up--
Kris takes a deep breath, glances up and his eyes are clear now. He shakes his head and gives Adam a wry smile. “Well, this is going to be awkward.”
Adam's laugh hinges on the hysterical but he pulls Kris into a hug, breathes into his hair. “Like hell it will.” Kris flails his arms before settling them on Adam's back, squeezing him tightly.
“Don't hate me.”
Adam rolls his eyes and huffs in annoyance. “Don't be stupid.” He pulls back and smiles at Kris. “We'll just – it happens.”
Kris cracks a smile. “Yeah. Right. All the time.”
He grins and shrugs. “Besides, it wasn't bad. You been practicing with your hand again?” A pillow smacks him in the face and Adam laughs at Kris' indignant “I was like five!”
Kris sends another pillow at him and Adam's chest loosens, ignores whatever else he's feeling and thinks that it'll be okay. They'll get past this.
He tries to avoid being alone with Kris after that.
Tommy glares at him when he doesn't answer Kris' calls.
Alisan sighs, touches his head gently as she drifts past him and he feels her support.
Kris stops trying to talk to him after a week.
It takes a month for Adam to break.
He's had a bad week.
The thing is – he loves his life. Most of it, at least. He loves the part where he gets to sing, and be with his friends. The part where he doesn't have to be responsible to anyone but himself.
It's everything else that he doesn't like.
He manages the club during the day when they act as a restaurant and sometimes it makes him want to smash heads into walls. There's an apartment he sleeps in but has never decorated or filled with any real belongings because, as Alisan once told him, “this isn't your home, it's not where you truly want to be” and he can't disagree. He won't ever admit that, but he's self-aware enough to know truth when he hears it. He misses his parents: Neil's acerbic wit, the Allens and their unconditional acceptance and love, Allison's stupid laugh and Brad's loud colorful way of being. Kris'...everything.
Before Kris reappeared into his life, he'd been able to just push those thoughts aside, stick them in that box in his mind that he pushes all the way to the back where he doesn't have to think about it.
But now –
Now he can't because Kris brings it all back. In technicolor and surround sound. All of those buried feelings start emerging and Adam wants. He wants to be home, to see his mother laugh, to listen to his father's advice whether Adam needs to or not, to drive Neil to throw his hands up in the air and leave the room in a huff. He misses the way Alli would fall into giggles at one of his lame jokes, Brad's exasperation when Adam ignored what he said...and pretty much everything about Kris.
It doesn't matter that he's right there, that Adam can touch him...that makes it worse. Because he really needs to. Every day he sees Kris it gets more difficult not to pull him into a hug, kiss him until he stops looking so sad all the time.
He needs to not feel again.
Those thoughts are what drive him to get stupid drunk that night. He walks into Sasha's with a determined look that makes Alisan frown and when she pushes into his mind, he pushes back and slams it shut. She looks surprised, but they've had this talk. When he says no, he means it. She turns away to finish with her customer but a few minutes later Tommy is at his side. He can only assume Alisan had sent him.
“Hey.” He lays a hand on Adam's head, brushes his fingers through his hair. “You okay?”
Adam can only guess how off his grin must look by the way Tommy grimaces when he sees it. “I'm fucking peachy. Let's get some drinks over here.” He motions for one of the waiters, flirts with him as he takes their order and doesn't look toward the bar at all.
He can feel Kris' gaze on him as he orders shot after shot.
Tommy tries to get him to slow down some, but Adam isn't having any of that. He wants to be numb, to forget, to pretend. He's been trying for weeks to ignore Kris but that hasn't worked. It's like he's decided to punish Adam finally for leaving him. He deserves it, that's not even up for debate, but Kris had promised he wouldn’t.
“What?” Tommy asks him, confusion on his face.
Elves are known for their observational skills and yet Tommy really doesn't catch on quickly.”
“He promised me.” Adam slurs, taking another gulp of his drink and he wishes he could still taste it. He motions toward the bar. “Kris, he said he wouldn't – and now he's here – and I can't look at him without wanting to, like, put my mouth on some part of him and –”
“Okay, that's it! I'm cutting your ass off.” Tommy reaches for Adam's glass – the bastard – and attempts to yank it out of his hand, but Adam clutches it to his chest, shaking his head. He bats at Tommy's fingers when keeps trying to grab at Adam's drink.
“Oh my god, Adam. Gimme!” He finally manages to rip it out of Adam's grip and stares hard at him. “You need to fucking get a hold of yourself, man. If this is killing you so much Talk. To. Him.”
Adam looks to the bar. Yeah, that's what he needs to do, talk to Kris. Tell him to go home. He straightens his shirt, runs a hand over his hair and wobbles a little when he steps in Kris' direction. He can vaguely hear Tommy saying “I didn't mean now, Adam! Come back here!” but he's already weaving his way to Kris. He spots him at the end of the bar, smiling up at a customer. It doesn't reach his eyes and Adam recognizes the man in front of Kris.
Blake is a regular at the club, sometimes plays a gig or two when they are low on acts. Normally, Adam gets along fine with him. There's an unspoken truce in Sasha's club. You don't mess with others, no matter what they are. Not that Adam would. He'd been raised to respect everyone equally regardless of what they were. Vamp or not, Blake was a decent guy.
Except he seems to be hitting on Kris and it's not like Adam has any claims (he tells his inner voice which sounds remarkably like Brad to shove it when it contradicts that thought) but Kris looks uncomfortable. He knows that look. Remembers from the few times that they'd gone out and someone had come on too strong. He makes his way to where they are talking, catches the tension of Kris' shoulders and then Kris' face closes off when Blake holds on to his wrist.
Adam growls, low and dangerous
They both turn to look at him.
“Take your hand off. Now.” The words aren't as clear as he would want them to be but he thinks it's not bad for being so completely trashed.
Blake's eyes widen slightly, dark pupils rounder than usual and he takes a step back, drops the hand he'd wrapped around Kris' wrist. “Whoa.”
“He doesn't want you to talk to him.” He can sense that from Kris and is stupidly grateful that he's not blocking him out anymore.
“Adam, man, I was just looking for a good time.”
He's in Blake's space in a blink, pushing him back against the nearest wall and it takes him a moment to realize that Blake's fangs are out, his eyes shimmering. Adam's hand is gripping at Blake's neck. “He's not yours to have a good time with, understand?”
Kris is around the bar in a flash, his hand on Adam's chest, shoving to get his attention.
“It's okay. Adam. Adam, listen to me.”
He moves his gaze to Kris and loosens his hold.
“Let him go. I'm fine.”
Kris' eyes stay on Adam's until he's backed off Blake and then Kris stands between them, talking to Blake over his shoulder. “You need to get out.”
Blake looks like he wants to argue but Darren is at his side, pulling him away with a scowl and Adam can hear them arguing on the way out but he can't focus. Kris is too close, grasping his arm like he thinks Adam might go after them. Which he might so that's probably a good idea, but it aches where Kris touches him so he pulls his arm away roughly.
“This is all your fault.”
The words ring in the silence that Adam hadn't realized surrounded them and he sees Kris step back, bend a little at the waist like Adam had punched him.
He wishes he could take the words back, but Kris moves past him and disappears around the back door.
Alisan is glaring at him and Tommy looks at him like he's a moron.
Adam wakes up with the worst hangover of his life. He wants to lie on the couch and never move again, but he knows he needs to go apologize to Kris. His behavior had been –
“Fucked up. Yeah,” is all Tommy says when Adam tells him where he's going and why. He doesn't look at Adam and he's pretty sure Tommy won't until Adam makes it up to Kris.
Alisan's apartment is only a couple blocks away so Adam takes the time to figure out exactly what he needs to say. He hates feeling this way. Hates the look on Kris' face. Has been avoiding that for five years. It breaks him a little to see everything Kris wants and Adam can't give him reflected in Kris' face.
He can think clearly in the harsh, ugly light of the morning and even through his throbbing head, he recalls what he said. He could kick himself for it. Outside Ali's door, he contemplates knocking but he's never had to before, so he uses his key, stepping through the entrance. He closes the door quietly. There's noises coming from the kitchen which he knows aren't from Alisan. Taking a deep breath, he walks into the tiny room, leans against the wall to watch Kris pour some coffee, adding his ridiculous amount of cream and sugar.
“You still have coffee with your sweetener I see.”
Kris' shoulders tense for a fraction of a second before he throws a quick smile at Adam over his shoulder. “Some of us don't have cast iron lining our stomachs.” Adam knows it's fake: the smile, the friendly tone, and it makes him want to shake Kris. He used to fight Adam every step of the way when he was being a jerk. He never let him get away with anything.
“We need to talk.”
Kris nods, pointing to the living room and Adam waits until he brushes past him before following. He sees the packed suitcase in the corner and stops, his gaze falling to Kris. “You leaving?”
“That's what you want, right?”
Adam doesn't stop the word from leaving his mouth. “No.”
Kris stops drinking his coffee and glances over at Adam like he grew a second tail or something. “What?”
He missed Kris.
“I – I wasn't expecting you and it brought back everything.” Adam sits on the opposite end of the couch. He keeps his attention on everything but Kris. “After I left – you promised and I just – ” He takes a deep breath and finds the courage to look at Kris directly. “I think I'm ready to listen.”
Kris doesn't look at him as he tells Adam about the years since he's left. That they can't count on the council for help anymore. The clan members have closed ranks and done everything to keep them together. He talks about his father being sick. Adam feels sick when Kris chokes on those words, reaches a hand out to cover his but pulls it back the moment they touch.
It's when Kris explains Cowell's increase in power and how he's systematically bringing down the Royals that Adam understands just how bad it's gotten.
“Once he has power in a state, he doesn't hold back. Weres are mostly safe, even if they have to swear fidelity to his house. Anybody else is up for grabs, but most won't deal with him as long as he isn't attacking them.”
“Is he still campaigning against the humans?” Adam asks, gaze falling on the picture of Alisan and Tommy that sits on the coffee table.
“Not as vocally. As much power as he has, the council still controls the majority of the states and there are still treaties in place, old alliances that hold up from centuries ago. He can't mess with them directly. But he's careful, you know that. He never attacks first and when he does engage in battle, he wins.”
Adam stands, pacing across the room, one hand running through his hair, and he swallows. He knew that this was bad. There was no way he couldn't have heard that Cowell was causing problems but he'd ignored it. It had a quiet buzz at the back of his head but now –
“So he's gaining power by...?”
Kris shrugs, locks eyes with Adam and smirks, a little ugly. “Coercion, mostly. Some bribes, threats and sometimes he can manage a kidnapping,. They can never be traced back to him, but we know it's him.” Kris' voice tightens and Adam watches his hands clench and then unclench like what he's thinking about is personal.
There's panic rising in his chest and Adam glances away, clears his throat. “Is there – did something happen?”
Kris meets his gaze and shakes his head. “No.”
It's a lie. Adam knows it is. He can read Kris so well that it still scares him. He won't push for information now. Sighing, he sits next to Kris once more and turns his head, taking in the changes in his profile. He lifts his hand, traces a finger down a faded scar on Kris’ jaw. That hadn't been there the last time he'd seen Kris. He wonders what had happened.
Kris shivers, closing his eyes before leaning away, standing to loom over Adam. “He's got a good hold of California but we've been talking to some of the families in Central and Northern California that are willing to take a stand.”
Adam pushes away the disappointment from Kris' reaction, decides to study it more closely when he has a chance. “Okay. That's good.” It seems like Kris has it under control.
The shake of Kris' head tells Adam that maybe his ability to read Kris isn't just one-sided. Before he can ask Kris to elaborate the cell phone on the table buzzes. Kris tenses, grabbing the phone and whatever he sees on the screen makes him immediately go pale. He doesn't say anything to Adam as he presses a button, walking out of the room with the phone to his ear. The front door opens when he walks past it and Adam meets Alisan's confused stare. It turns hopeful when she sees that they were talking. Tommy enters behind her and gives Adam a tentative thumbs up.
He doesn't know what to tell them. It's not like any of this can be solved by talking with Kris. He still can't become what they need him to be. The truth of that is evident.
“What's going on?” Tommy frowns, throwing a look at the closed bedroom door where Kris had disappeared.
Adam stands up, brushing past them to the door, not sure what he's supposed to do.
“Adam, is everything okay?”
Nothing was okay. That much Adam knew for a fact. He glances over at Alisan, shrugs when she gives him that look he can't ever lie to. “I don't know. We were talking – he was telling me what I'd missed by running like a fucking coward,” he notices the way Tommy's eyebrows furrow and Alisan's lips tighten, “but then he got a call so... ”
“Did he call you that?” Tommy sounds disbelieving and Adam looks over at him, confused by the question until he runs back what he said. He shakes his head. “Of course he didn't. He would never call me that.”
Adam steps back when the door opens and Kris is holding his bag in one hand. He looks paler than when he'd gotten the call and he bites at his bottom lip when he meets Adam's eyes. “I have to go home. My dad isn't--” He's trembling, Adam can feel it from where he's standing and forgetting anything else, he moves closer, pulls Kris into a hug.
He tightens his hold when Kris shudders. It feels so fucking good to touch him. Adam blinks the moisture out of his eyes, takes in a quivering, watery breath before pulling back. His chest feels hollowed out and he can't bear the thought that he's going to lose Neil. That any of them will. “Kris. I'm sorry. If I could do anything –”
Kris pushes at Adam's chest and leans back enough that he can look at him directly.
“You can. Come with me.”
Adam hesitates, the normal answer not quite so easy this time and Kris takes that moment to shock him even more than he's managed to since he showed up in Sasha's club so many weeks ago.
“It's not forever.” At the surprise that must show on his face, Kris almost smiles. “I have a proposition for you.”
“You want to pretend that you and Adam – bonded, is that the right word here?”
Tommy isn't the only one who needs to have this explained again. “Kris – I don't even know what to say.”
One of Kris' knee is twitching, a clear sign that he's nervous but his face is completely blank. Adam doesn't want to know when Kris had managed to learn how to do that and what caused it to be a necessary skill.
He hates it.
“No. We just need to pretend that we will.”
“Oh, well, then. That's much better.” The sarcasm drips from the words and Kris narrows his eyes, sending him a glare Adam thinks Brad would be proud of.
“What does it matter?”
“Because I don't want to live a lie.” I don't want to pretend to love you because I'm kinda of dying a little from how much I already do is what he meant to say but Adam knows better than to let that bit of truth out of the bag. “I don't even understand how we would 'pretend' that.”
Kris leans forward, hands clasping in front of him. “This is simple, Adam. None of the families here or in New York have the confidence that we can fight Cowell without you. They need to see a leader that they have confidence in. I'm not that guy. You've met Daniel. It's your place. If we can get the treaties signed and show that we have the forces to stand up to that son of a bitch than we might have a chance to win this.”
Adam shakes his head. “I still don't see –”
“Basically this would be an engagement in name only?” Alisan blurts out and Adam's eyes widen when Kris nods slowly.
“Wait. Engagement?”
“They have to believe that you're coming back. So, we tell them I ran into you out here, we talked and you decided that you were ready to come home. We'll get the treaties and alliances we need. You can catch up with the family.” He's leaving something out but before Adam can ask, Kris continues. “And in the end, you get what you've wanted: your freedom.”
“I have my freedom.”
Kris smiles, sad and resigned when he says quietly. “Dad will make it official. We won't bother you again, Adam. Complete and total absence of responsibility.” Kris glances down at his watch and stands up. “I have to go.” He's in front of Adam, pulling him into a hug before Adam can blink.
“Please think about it, okay? And if you decide not to – I'll understand.” He whispers in Adam's ear and then he's out of the door and gone.
Adam breathes out; bending at the waist to keep his balance and when he glances up Tommy is staring at him.
“You're so fucked, baby boy.”
|Part Three|
Author:
freakykatRating: NC-17
Characters/Pairings: Kris Allen/Adam Lambert
Summary: Kris knew from the first moment he met Adam that they were supposed to be something important.
It's like the start of so many dreams he's had over the last few years that Adam almost believes for one second that Kris isn't actually standing in front of him. That it's all in his head. But then Kris smiles again, that slow-burner one that gives him this ridiculous kick of want in his gut, and he knows this isn't a fantasy: it's Kris, standing in front of him right now.
He should move, he knows that much, but it's been too long since he actually thought this would happen that it's like his mind is completely stuck on the fact that Kris is here.
The silence stretches until it's more than awkward, Kris' smile falling in increments until his face is blank, eyes flitting away from Adam's.
There's someone standing next to him and he feels a gentle push in his mind that makes him break the moment.
“What are you doing here?”
It comes out terse, a little angry, and he hadn't meant it to, that but there it is. He knows it's irrational to feel that way because –
“I came to see you, obviously.”
Adam pauses for a moment at the sarcastic tone in Kris' voice. It's one he’s rarely heard before and never directed at him. Though, really, it shouldn't shock him at all. He can see something flash in Kris' eyes when he glances up at Adam, but it's gone as soon as it came and then he's focused on Alisan standing next to Adam, that easy smile on his face again.
“You must be Alisan.” He sticks his hand out to her, waits until she grips it before flashing her a quick grin. “Brad likes you. A lot.”
“Wait...Brad?” Adam blinks and looks around the bar quickly, because he wouldn't put it past Brad to jump out at him and take him down before Adam has a chance to defend himself. He turns back to Kris and raises an eyebrow.
Kris shakes his head. “He's not here now. It's just me.” He motions to an empty booth and holds Adam's stare. “Can we sit down for a minute?”
He wants to say no. It's forming on his lips when Alisan digs her fingernails into his arm and leads them to the booth. He can see Kris from the corner of his eye and turns to look at him as he stops at the edge of the table.
“It's not going to take long, Adam.”
He ignores the way his heart speeds up at Kris' voice, the way his name falls from his mouth, the resignation that Adam is going to break his heart clear in his eyes. He can still read Kris better than anyone, he thinks. He can feel his fear wrapped around love and anger, emotions that have always been easy for Adam but not Kris. He thinks he can push further, actually manage to read Kris' mind but Alisan's voice draws him out.
“I'll go get us some drinks,” Alisan says, giving Adam a shake of her head and patting Kris' shoulder on her way to the bar. Adam forgets sometimes how strong her powers can be. Someone like Kris is like an open book for her. He glances back at his – he doesn't even know what to call him anymore – sitting across from him. There's a sudden loss of something between them and Adam realizes Kris has locked him out completely. The irritation he feels isn't fair but it's there nonetheless.
He knows how to handle this, has been pretty much preparing for it since he disappeared and makes his body relax, lounges back into his seat and meets Kris' steady gaze with one of his own. The smile he sends Kris is slow, meant to distract, charm, and Adam falls into the act easily. “Well, Kristopher, you look good.”
Kris' eyebrows go up before he looks down at himself then back at Adam skeptically. “I doubt that highly, Adam. But I appreciate you saying it anyway.”
Adam wants to protest, clenches a fist as he watches Kris throw another smile Alisan's way when she places a drink in front of him. He's always hated that Kris can't see what Adam does. Those big brown eyes you can drown in, the wide mouth: pouty and full, that always produced warm grins. Kris' face had always been beautiful to him. He doesn't actually say any of that because there are things Kris doesn't need to know Adam thinks about.
Like how Adam's heart starts beating faster when he looks at Kris and he smiles or how just being this close is making him hard. The truth of the matter is that Adam wants to climb Kris and touch him, kiss him, fuck him until they both can't bear it. It's not a new sensation but it's never been this strong, this complete, and Adam knows that Kris has been right along.
He closes his eyes and breathes steadily.
Mates.
Fuck.
“Adam?”
His eyes pop open and he glances at Kris who is looking at him with concern. Adam flicks his gaze to the stage so he doesn't have to see that on Kris' face. This is going to be hard enough.
“What's going on, Kris? It's been five years and I –”
“You need to come home.”
Adam freezes, turns his head slowly to stare at Kris, blinking a few times because he's pretty sure he didn't just hear that. Kris had promised. He knows –
“You – no, you're not. Kris, we – you know I can't.”
“Hear me out –”
Adam shakes his head, fingers trembling against the table and he sees Kris look down at his hands, shutting down the words he'd been about to say. When he meets Adam's eyes, there's so much pain there that it takes him aback.
Kris' voice is soft when he says, “I would never have come – I wouldn't ask if I had any other choice, Adam. You know that.”
And damn if Adam doesn't know that's the truth.
He hears the tremor in his Kris’ voice, remembers what it means when he holds himself so still, the glint in his eyes tells Adam that Kris isn't going to just back down from this with a simple 'no' from him.
Not looking up from the table, Adam folds his hands together and takes a deep breath.
“It took me three months to get out of bed. You remember?” He feels Kris' nod rather than sees it. “And when I did all I wanted to do was run away from every memory of Drake. I loved him and because of that he died.” He stops Kris' protest with a quick hand gesture. “Maybe I wasn't the one that tore him to pieces, but you and I both know I was the one that put him in that position.”
“You talk about him like he didn't have a mind of his own. As if he didn't understand what the risks were being with you...to be a part of what we are.” Kris' says tightly and that makes Adam raise his head to look at him. His face is completely blank, but the fire in his eyes sparks heat and want inside of Adam. It’s so fierce and bright that he has to clutch his hand on the table edge to keep from moving.
“It was my job to protect him. I didn't.”
Kris sighs. “It's not your job to protect me. I can do that on my own. This wouldn't be the same, Adam.”
He knows that.
This would be worse.
Losing Drake had left him paralyzed with fear and guilt. It shouldn't have happened. Drake should never have been a target. But Adam had been too much of a coward to admit what had been in front of his eyes. He'd used Drake to avoid the truth and because of that he was dead. That was what he couldn't let go of.
But if he went home – if he did what they wanted him to do – and something happened –
Adam knows he could never survive losing Kris. He needs to make sure that doesn't happen, so he digs deep, closes off his face and gives Kris his patented smirk. “Of course not. You're not my boyfriend. You aren't human and fragile. You won't be used as a way to hurt me, because that's not who you are to me.”
He feels a little sick by the words he's saying. Alisan had come by to refresh their drinks and is standing at the edge of the booth, staring at him, bug-eyed and stunned. She knew the truth. She'd heard Adam cry over missing his family. Over not being able to be with Kris. Adam had told her what he felt for Kris – how it was overwhelming and addicting.
Alisan knew the real reason he'd run so far away.
He kept his eyes on Kris, though, waiting for the devastation Kris had shown so many years ago when Adam had lied – had told him he didn't love him that way. It had ripped a hole right through Adam's heart and he'd hoped to never have to repeat it. Yet here he was.
Adam thinks he might have done the job too well the first time, because Kris doesn't flinch, his eyes steady on Adam's as he takes in everything Adam said. Something flickers over his face, but it's gone before Adam can read it and he's surprised when Kris nods like he had expected this.
“I understand that. That's not what I was implying at all. But you're the only hope we have.”
Adam shrugs, can't look at Kris. “Then I'm sorry for you. Because I'm not going to be able to help you.” He waves a hand around. “This is my life, Kris. I like it. I do what I love.” He points at Alisan as he continues. “I have friends – family I chose.” It's a low blow and there's just a bit of satisfaction when he sees Kris' face twitch before he’s able to school it into passive blankness again. It reassures Adam that he's not taking to a robot or an impostor. The control Kris has now is impressive.
“I'm not going back.” He wants to make that very clear to Kris.
Kris sighs, nodding as he looks at his hands. “You're not even going to listen. I knew that.” He sounds somewhat disappointed but really, that's not his problem. Kris knew what Adam would say.
He meets Adam's gaze. “I can wait.”
Kris stands up, smiling at Alisan as he lays down enough cash to cover the bill and tip. Adam starts to protest, but Kris is walking around the nearby tables, is across the room and out the door before he can even formulate an argument.
Adam stares at the spot where Kris had been long after he's gone. He senses Alisan and brings his eyes to hers.
Her smile is radiant. “I like him.”
He should have realized it wasn't going to be that easy. He knows Kris almost as well as he's known anyone in his life.
The little fucker is stubborn.
He burrows into your heart and life, no matter what you do to keep him out, and the worst of the matter is that he doesn't purposely do anything for that to happen. He's just his awesome self and you find that your life is better for having him in it. Adam made himself forget about that part in the last five years.
But now he can't, because Kris is everywhere.
The morning after their discussion – if that's what you can call an ambush – he walks into his favorite cafe, the one down the block from his apartment and stops dead in his tracks at the door. Kris is leaning across the counter talking to Cam. She throws her head back at whatever Kris says, reaching out to straighten up his shirt collar and Adam squelches the irrational need to slap her hands away.
Kris turns and sees him, pulls back and smiles softly, waving shyly.
Adam swivels on his heel and walks out.
“He asked me about a place to stay.”
Adam chokes on the drink Alisan had just dropped at his table, turning huge eyes up at her as he croaked out a “He what?”
She shrugs, giving him the same disapproving look she has for a week now. Alisan wants him to talk to Kris, to listen, and Adam – he can't. No one seems to realize that. Especially none of his supposed friends who've been charmed by Kris.
“I let him rent Scarlett's room until she comes home.”
“You what?”
Alisan rolls her eyes and walks away.
“If you would just talk to the dude then maybe it would end. Did you think about that?” Tommy snaps at him after the third rant Adam lays on him about Kris in as many hours. “You're being a bitch, Adam.”
It's not that fucking simple.
He knows what Kris wants and he's not capable of it. That's not who he is.
“You have no idea what you're talking about.”
Tommy makes a face, glancing at the bar where Kris is handing out drinks. He'd gotten the job at the club the second week he'd been in town, somehow completely winning Sasha over. Adam watches as one of the regulars – he thinks his name is Darren – saunters up and grins at Kris.
“Maybe what he wants has changed, Adam.”
When Kris flashes a grin at Darren and then laughs loud enough for Adam to feel it in his bones, something burns in his gut.
He does eventually start talking to him because all of his friends love Kris. Adam wants to shake them all for it. He can't avoid Kris when he goes out for dinner with them, when he goes dancing with them (although Kris hasn't changed in regards to that and won't get out on the floor), when Adam runs into him when he's getting coffee or coming out of his apartment. Kris is stalking him into submission. Adam never goes looking for him or starts conversations but he realizes he doesn't act like Kris is the devil anymore every time he sees him.
Kris doesn't tell him what he wants though. Adam keeps expecting it but Kris never brings anything up.
So he has no choice but to say something to him.
He finds him at the club before opening one night, talking with Sasha as he dries glasses. Adam plops down next to Sasha, kisses her cheek and turns to Kris. “Hey.”
He pauses for a moment, looks at Adam and nods. “Hey yourself.”
“Enjoying the job?”
“It's alright.” He grabs another glass and begins rubbing at it, short and angry moves. He can still read Adam pretty well, then, so why bother pretending.
“When are you going home?”
Sasha scowls at him over her newspaper but doesn't comment.
Kris doesn't take his eyes off his chore. “When you come with me.”
And that was the end of that conversation.
There's something different about Kris.
It's not the obvious, like how really fucking good he looks, because that's not entirely new. Kris has always been beautiful to him. The quiet confidence he'd always had is still there. Adam watches him move around the club, his moves graceful and quick. He still makes friends easily anywhere he goes – which doesn't help Adam to get rid of him – and he listens like every word you say matters. Adam loves that best about him, always has.
It takes a few weeks of quietly studying him as he works or talks with Adam's friends that it hits him.
Kris' smile is different.
It's still brilliant and makes Adam's insides shake when it’s directed at him (despite Adam's constant angry one word greetings) but it's less open than he remembers. There's darkness in him, something sad and pained in Kris' eyes at times. He shakes it off quickly, but Adam catches him probably because he knows Kris' face, his expressions, what he looks like when he's really happy.
Adam tries not to think about that he’s probably the reason for Kris closing off.
Kris doesn't seek him out or anything. He doesn't stalk Adam or get in his way when they end up in the same room. It might be easier for Adam if he did. If he could muster up more anger, anything to push against the lure of having him so close.
He'd forgotten how funny Kris was without even trying. Adam will be sitting at the bar and Kris will all of sudden make a catty comment about one of the customers and he'll find himself laughing hard, meeting Kris twinkling eyes.
There's a kindness to Kris that Adam has rarely seen in people – this empathy for the ones hurting around him. For a while, when they were kids, his mother had been convinced Kris had more than the normal powers that came with their kind. But Kris simply felt too much and that extended to anyone close to him.
He tries to makes Adam feel better when he's having one of his bad days. Most people leave him be when he gets like this. He picks the darkest corner of the club and sits to watch the performances. Drinks and mauls over things he'd rather not think about. It's been happening more and more over the last year. This itch that makes it impossible to sleep at night. It'd been a while since it's happened but it's closer to the surface now, unable to be avoided.
Kris takes his break, brings Adam a refill and then flops next to him, chatters quietly about everything and nothing. He doesn't seem to expect Adam to reply so he doesn't, just lets the words wash over him. Kris leaves when it's his turn back at the bar, skimming a hand over Adam's shoulder and squeezes.
Adam feels the phantom touch of his fingers for hours.
He shows up at Alisan’s with a pizza and Kris' favorite movies.
The smile he receives makes his insides feel a little wobbly. He's learned over the years to ignore that, so he smiles back and walks toward the entertainment center. Over pepperoni with extra cheese and the dumbest action movie in the world, it comes flooding back. The memories of growing up with Kris, the first time he met him, the first time he realized what it meant that he shivered when Kris was near. He glances over; Kris' attention is completely on what's happening on the screen, and he has to clench his hand to keep from reaching out.
It's a little like torture but he can't help himself.
So many years without feeding on Kris' light and love have left him starving for it.
He forces his eyes back at the television and leans closer to Kris, drinks in the warmth he generates and lets that be enough.
“You need to tell him.”
Adam doesn't glance up from the books. Math has never been his forte and he has to concentrate to get the figures to make sense.
“Adam.”
“Leave it alone, Ali.”
“He should know why you left. The real reason.”
He locks eyes with her. “Don't.”
She lets out an angry noise and stomps to the backroom. Adam hopes she does the inventory he'd asked her to do two hours ago while she’s in there.
Sighing, Adam goes back to his calculations.
“Alisan says there's something I don't know.” Kris says a few days later and Adam drops the spoon he'd been using to stir the pasta he was making for him.
“There's tons you don't know yet, Kristopher. Like when to stop being stubborn.”
“Hmmm.”
Adam raises an eyebrow, mouth twitching up and he's proud of how steady his voice is. “You going home soon?”
Kris shrugs. “You ready to come with me?”
Adam points a finger at him. “See?”
Kris rolls his eyes but the smile he tries to cover is amused.
Kris doesn't play music anymore.
Adam notices this about the forth week that Kris is working at the bar. Sasha asks if anyone can play the piano for one of the acts coming up since their piano player is a no show. He looks down the bar at Kris. He's staring hard at the glass he's cleaning and doesn't volunteer for it. One of their regulars, Greg, says he can do it and Sasha high-fives him as she takes him up to the stage.
He doesn't say anything until he sees the longing glance Kris gives the piano on his way out the door after his shift is over.
Adam grabs his jacket, says goodnight to the clean-up crew and steps out after Kris. The night air is thick with the impending rain that's been threatening for days. He calls out to Kris. When he gets up to him, he nudges him with his shoulder and asks. “Was there a reason you didn't want to play tonight?”
Kris tenses, moves away from Adam and shakes his head. “I don't – do that – anymore.”
Adam frowns. “Don't do what? Play the piano?”
Kris shrugs. “Play music.”
That's not what he was expecting.
“Wait-- what?”
“I don't want to talk about this, Adam.”
He wishes he could push, but he doesn't have a right. Not when he asks Kris to leave his own scars alone.
“Okay.”
Kris seems relieved and throws him a wary smile. “Okay.”
He almost kisses Kris.
They manage to have a day off together and Kris convinces Adam to show him the town. He's aware that Kris has been to San Francisco on business before, because Adam kept those kinds of tabs on him, but Kris reassures him that he's not trying to waste his time.
“I've never been a tourist, Adam. Stop being stupid and show me around your city.”
In the end, they spend the day doing all those things Adam's avoided for years. He takes Kris to the Golden Gate Bridge and Golden Gate Park, Fisherman's Wharf and Ghirardelli Square. He feels ridiculous but underneath all that there's this happiness he hasn’t felt since he left home.
It's not much of a revelation when he realizes it's because Kris is his home, that when he looks at him all he can feel is love.
Kris turns his head to smile at him and Adam leans down, stopping when Kris' eyes widen, lips parting in surprise.
Adam pulls away, wipes his hands on his jeans, clearing his throat as he motions to the waiting car.
“We should get home.”
“I think this is the craziest idea you've ever had.”
Adam snorts. “Not even close, Kris. I've had way worse.” He can feel Kris roll his eyes but he doesn't care, grabbing another record from the top shelf of his dad's closet. He places gently into his bag like he had the others then wraps a hand around Kris' wrist, heading out the door. They avoid their parents who are spending their visit catching up in the garden, laughing and joking.
Adam's relieved because it's been a while since his parents had a lot to be happy about. It's been three years since his change, though, and he thinks they've gotten used to the idea. They love the Allens like family and that had helped, but he knows that his mother was devastated Adam couldn't live with them anymore.
But that's before and things are better. He's happy where he is. It doesn't hurt that he's going to be king one day. He follows Kris up to his room, glances at the back of his best friend's head and frowns. The only thing that bothers him is that at times he feels like he's taking what belongs to Kris.
When they reach Kris' room, Adam drops on the bed, and watches Kris pull out the old record player he'd found in one of the storage rooms a few weeks ago. He grins up at Adam, pushing his legs out of the way and settles the player on the bed. Adam fishes out the first record and hands it to him, grinning at the gentle way Kris handles it. “It's not made of paper, man.”
Kris ignores him and when he finally manages to get it playing, Adam claps enthusiastically. They lie back on the bed, listening to the sweet notes of music, Kris is smiling softly and Adam understands why he loves The Beatles so much. There's depth in it that you don't expect from such light-hearted music. But if you pay attention, it's got so much to say.
He leans up on his elbows and smiles down at Kris, eyes closed and a happy little smile on his face. Adam bumps his arm and when Kris eyes open he says softly, “This reminds me of you.”
Kris blinks.
“I mean, unexpected, you know? But in a good way.” Adam trips his words out of his mouth and when Kris only continues to stare, he starts to take it back.
But then Kris is leaning up, in Adam's space and the next breath, his mouth covers Adams. He freezes in place, Kris' lips tugging at his and for one second he opens his mouth, hears the groan that escapes from his own throat. He falls into Kris for a moment, takes in the sharp release of air and then Adam's brain catches up with the rest of him. He places hands on Kris' shoulders and gently pushes him away.
“Kris, what – what was that?”
Kris goes pale, eyes shiny and pained as he stammers. “Oh, god. I'm sorry. Adam, I just -” Kris covers his face with his hands and Adam heart falls into his stomach.
“No-no, it's okay. I-I – just. Kris, I'm not sure – I wasn't prepared for that, you know. But – I –” His fingers are trembling, mind running rampant with all these words he can't seem to get out.
He takes a moment to compose himself and sits next to Kris. It's not like he hadn't been aware that Kris looks at him differently than before. Adam hadn't looked too closely because Kris was his best friend and almost like family. “You know I love you. You're my best friend but -” His heart is hammering away in his chest, his body thrumming with awareness. This can't happen with Kris. There's too much at stake and if Adam screws it up--
Kris takes a deep breath, glances up and his eyes are clear now. He shakes his head and gives Adam a wry smile. “Well, this is going to be awkward.”
Adam's laugh hinges on the hysterical but he pulls Kris into a hug, breathes into his hair. “Like hell it will.” Kris flails his arms before settling them on Adam's back, squeezing him tightly.
“Don't hate me.”
Adam rolls his eyes and huffs in annoyance. “Don't be stupid.” He pulls back and smiles at Kris. “We'll just – it happens.”
Kris cracks a smile. “Yeah. Right. All the time.”
He grins and shrugs. “Besides, it wasn't bad. You been practicing with your hand again?” A pillow smacks him in the face and Adam laughs at Kris' indignant “I was like five!”
Kris sends another pillow at him and Adam's chest loosens, ignores whatever else he's feeling and thinks that it'll be okay. They'll get past this.
He tries to avoid being alone with Kris after that.
Tommy glares at him when he doesn't answer Kris' calls.
Alisan sighs, touches his head gently as she drifts past him and he feels her support.
Kris stops trying to talk to him after a week.
It takes a month for Adam to break.
He's had a bad week.
The thing is – he loves his life. Most of it, at least. He loves the part where he gets to sing, and be with his friends. The part where he doesn't have to be responsible to anyone but himself.
It's everything else that he doesn't like.
He manages the club during the day when they act as a restaurant and sometimes it makes him want to smash heads into walls. There's an apartment he sleeps in but has never decorated or filled with any real belongings because, as Alisan once told him, “this isn't your home, it's not where you truly want to be” and he can't disagree. He won't ever admit that, but he's self-aware enough to know truth when he hears it. He misses his parents: Neil's acerbic wit, the Allens and their unconditional acceptance and love, Allison's stupid laugh and Brad's loud colorful way of being. Kris'...everything.
Before Kris reappeared into his life, he'd been able to just push those thoughts aside, stick them in that box in his mind that he pushes all the way to the back where he doesn't have to think about it.
But now –
Now he can't because Kris brings it all back. In technicolor and surround sound. All of those buried feelings start emerging and Adam wants. He wants to be home, to see his mother laugh, to listen to his father's advice whether Adam needs to or not, to drive Neil to throw his hands up in the air and leave the room in a huff. He misses the way Alli would fall into giggles at one of his lame jokes, Brad's exasperation when Adam ignored what he said...and pretty much everything about Kris.
It doesn't matter that he's right there, that Adam can touch him...that makes it worse. Because he really needs to. Every day he sees Kris it gets more difficult not to pull him into a hug, kiss him until he stops looking so sad all the time.
He needs to not feel again.
Those thoughts are what drive him to get stupid drunk that night. He walks into Sasha's with a determined look that makes Alisan frown and when she pushes into his mind, he pushes back and slams it shut. She looks surprised, but they've had this talk. When he says no, he means it. She turns away to finish with her customer but a few minutes later Tommy is at his side. He can only assume Alisan had sent him.
“Hey.” He lays a hand on Adam's head, brushes his fingers through his hair. “You okay?”
Adam can only guess how off his grin must look by the way Tommy grimaces when he sees it. “I'm fucking peachy. Let's get some drinks over here.” He motions for one of the waiters, flirts with him as he takes their order and doesn't look toward the bar at all.
He can feel Kris' gaze on him as he orders shot after shot.
Tommy tries to get him to slow down some, but Adam isn't having any of that. He wants to be numb, to forget, to pretend. He's been trying for weeks to ignore Kris but that hasn't worked. It's like he's decided to punish Adam finally for leaving him. He deserves it, that's not even up for debate, but Kris had promised he wouldn’t.
“What?” Tommy asks him, confusion on his face.
Elves are known for their observational skills and yet Tommy really doesn't catch on quickly.”
“He promised me.” Adam slurs, taking another gulp of his drink and he wishes he could still taste it. He motions toward the bar. “Kris, he said he wouldn't – and now he's here – and I can't look at him without wanting to, like, put my mouth on some part of him and –”
“Okay, that's it! I'm cutting your ass off.” Tommy reaches for Adam's glass – the bastard – and attempts to yank it out of his hand, but Adam clutches it to his chest, shaking his head. He bats at Tommy's fingers when keeps trying to grab at Adam's drink.
“Oh my god, Adam. Gimme!” He finally manages to rip it out of Adam's grip and stares hard at him. “You need to fucking get a hold of yourself, man. If this is killing you so much Talk. To. Him.”
Adam looks to the bar. Yeah, that's what he needs to do, talk to Kris. Tell him to go home. He straightens his shirt, runs a hand over his hair and wobbles a little when he steps in Kris' direction. He can vaguely hear Tommy saying “I didn't mean now, Adam! Come back here!” but he's already weaving his way to Kris. He spots him at the end of the bar, smiling up at a customer. It doesn't reach his eyes and Adam recognizes the man in front of Kris.
Blake is a regular at the club, sometimes plays a gig or two when they are low on acts. Normally, Adam gets along fine with him. There's an unspoken truce in Sasha's club. You don't mess with others, no matter what they are. Not that Adam would. He'd been raised to respect everyone equally regardless of what they were. Vamp or not, Blake was a decent guy.
Except he seems to be hitting on Kris and it's not like Adam has any claims (he tells his inner voice which sounds remarkably like Brad to shove it when it contradicts that thought) but Kris looks uncomfortable. He knows that look. Remembers from the few times that they'd gone out and someone had come on too strong. He makes his way to where they are talking, catches the tension of Kris' shoulders and then Kris' face closes off when Blake holds on to his wrist.
Adam growls, low and dangerous
They both turn to look at him.
“Take your hand off. Now.” The words aren't as clear as he would want them to be but he thinks it's not bad for being so completely trashed.
Blake's eyes widen slightly, dark pupils rounder than usual and he takes a step back, drops the hand he'd wrapped around Kris' wrist. “Whoa.”
“He doesn't want you to talk to him.” He can sense that from Kris and is stupidly grateful that he's not blocking him out anymore.
“Adam, man, I was just looking for a good time.”
He's in Blake's space in a blink, pushing him back against the nearest wall and it takes him a moment to realize that Blake's fangs are out, his eyes shimmering. Adam's hand is gripping at Blake's neck. “He's not yours to have a good time with, understand?”
Kris is around the bar in a flash, his hand on Adam's chest, shoving to get his attention.
“It's okay. Adam. Adam, listen to me.”
He moves his gaze to Kris and loosens his hold.
“Let him go. I'm fine.”
Kris' eyes stay on Adam's until he's backed off Blake and then Kris stands between them, talking to Blake over his shoulder. “You need to get out.”
Blake looks like he wants to argue but Darren is at his side, pulling him away with a scowl and Adam can hear them arguing on the way out but he can't focus. Kris is too close, grasping his arm like he thinks Adam might go after them. Which he might so that's probably a good idea, but it aches where Kris touches him so he pulls his arm away roughly.
“This is all your fault.”
The words ring in the silence that Adam hadn't realized surrounded them and he sees Kris step back, bend a little at the waist like Adam had punched him.
He wishes he could take the words back, but Kris moves past him and disappears around the back door.
Alisan is glaring at him and Tommy looks at him like he's a moron.
Adam wakes up with the worst hangover of his life. He wants to lie on the couch and never move again, but he knows he needs to go apologize to Kris. His behavior had been –
“Fucked up. Yeah,” is all Tommy says when Adam tells him where he's going and why. He doesn't look at Adam and he's pretty sure Tommy won't until Adam makes it up to Kris.
Alisan's apartment is only a couple blocks away so Adam takes the time to figure out exactly what he needs to say. He hates feeling this way. Hates the look on Kris' face. Has been avoiding that for five years. It breaks him a little to see everything Kris wants and Adam can't give him reflected in Kris' face.
He can think clearly in the harsh, ugly light of the morning and even through his throbbing head, he recalls what he said. He could kick himself for it. Outside Ali's door, he contemplates knocking but he's never had to before, so he uses his key, stepping through the entrance. He closes the door quietly. There's noises coming from the kitchen which he knows aren't from Alisan. Taking a deep breath, he walks into the tiny room, leans against the wall to watch Kris pour some coffee, adding his ridiculous amount of cream and sugar.
“You still have coffee with your sweetener I see.”
Kris' shoulders tense for a fraction of a second before he throws a quick smile at Adam over his shoulder. “Some of us don't have cast iron lining our stomachs.” Adam knows it's fake: the smile, the friendly tone, and it makes him want to shake Kris. He used to fight Adam every step of the way when he was being a jerk. He never let him get away with anything.
“We need to talk.”
Kris nods, pointing to the living room and Adam waits until he brushes past him before following. He sees the packed suitcase in the corner and stops, his gaze falling to Kris. “You leaving?”
“That's what you want, right?”
Adam doesn't stop the word from leaving his mouth. “No.”
Kris stops drinking his coffee and glances over at Adam like he grew a second tail or something. “What?”
He missed Kris.
“I – I wasn't expecting you and it brought back everything.” Adam sits on the opposite end of the couch. He keeps his attention on everything but Kris. “After I left – you promised and I just – ” He takes a deep breath and finds the courage to look at Kris directly. “I think I'm ready to listen.”
Kris doesn't look at him as he tells Adam about the years since he's left. That they can't count on the council for help anymore. The clan members have closed ranks and done everything to keep them together. He talks about his father being sick. Adam feels sick when Kris chokes on those words, reaches a hand out to cover his but pulls it back the moment they touch.
It's when Kris explains Cowell's increase in power and how he's systematically bringing down the Royals that Adam understands just how bad it's gotten.
“Once he has power in a state, he doesn't hold back. Weres are mostly safe, even if they have to swear fidelity to his house. Anybody else is up for grabs, but most won't deal with him as long as he isn't attacking them.”
“Is he still campaigning against the humans?” Adam asks, gaze falling on the picture of Alisan and Tommy that sits on the coffee table.
“Not as vocally. As much power as he has, the council still controls the majority of the states and there are still treaties in place, old alliances that hold up from centuries ago. He can't mess with them directly. But he's careful, you know that. He never attacks first and when he does engage in battle, he wins.”
Adam stands, pacing across the room, one hand running through his hair, and he swallows. He knew that this was bad. There was no way he couldn't have heard that Cowell was causing problems but he'd ignored it. It had a quiet buzz at the back of his head but now –
“So he's gaining power by...?”
Kris shrugs, locks eyes with Adam and smirks, a little ugly. “Coercion, mostly. Some bribes, threats and sometimes he can manage a kidnapping,. They can never be traced back to him, but we know it's him.” Kris' voice tightens and Adam watches his hands clench and then unclench like what he's thinking about is personal.
There's panic rising in his chest and Adam glances away, clears his throat. “Is there – did something happen?”
Kris meets his gaze and shakes his head. “No.”
It's a lie. Adam knows it is. He can read Kris so well that it still scares him. He won't push for information now. Sighing, he sits next to Kris once more and turns his head, taking in the changes in his profile. He lifts his hand, traces a finger down a faded scar on Kris’ jaw. That hadn't been there the last time he'd seen Kris. He wonders what had happened.
Kris shivers, closing his eyes before leaning away, standing to loom over Adam. “He's got a good hold of California but we've been talking to some of the families in Central and Northern California that are willing to take a stand.”
Adam pushes away the disappointment from Kris' reaction, decides to study it more closely when he has a chance. “Okay. That's good.” It seems like Kris has it under control.
The shake of Kris' head tells Adam that maybe his ability to read Kris isn't just one-sided. Before he can ask Kris to elaborate the cell phone on the table buzzes. Kris tenses, grabbing the phone and whatever he sees on the screen makes him immediately go pale. He doesn't say anything to Adam as he presses a button, walking out of the room with the phone to his ear. The front door opens when he walks past it and Adam meets Alisan's confused stare. It turns hopeful when she sees that they were talking. Tommy enters behind her and gives Adam a tentative thumbs up.
He doesn't know what to tell them. It's not like any of this can be solved by talking with Kris. He still can't become what they need him to be. The truth of that is evident.
“What's going on?” Tommy frowns, throwing a look at the closed bedroom door where Kris had disappeared.
Adam stands up, brushing past them to the door, not sure what he's supposed to do.
“Adam, is everything okay?”
Nothing was okay. That much Adam knew for a fact. He glances over at Alisan, shrugs when she gives him that look he can't ever lie to. “I don't know. We were talking – he was telling me what I'd missed by running like a fucking coward,” he notices the way Tommy's eyebrows furrow and Alisan's lips tighten, “but then he got a call so... ”
“Did he call you that?” Tommy sounds disbelieving and Adam looks over at him, confused by the question until he runs back what he said. He shakes his head. “Of course he didn't. He would never call me that.”
Adam steps back when the door opens and Kris is holding his bag in one hand. He looks paler than when he'd gotten the call and he bites at his bottom lip when he meets Adam's eyes. “I have to go home. My dad isn't--” He's trembling, Adam can feel it from where he's standing and forgetting anything else, he moves closer, pulls Kris into a hug.
He tightens his hold when Kris shudders. It feels so fucking good to touch him. Adam blinks the moisture out of his eyes, takes in a quivering, watery breath before pulling back. His chest feels hollowed out and he can't bear the thought that he's going to lose Neil. That any of them will. “Kris. I'm sorry. If I could do anything –”
Kris pushes at Adam's chest and leans back enough that he can look at him directly.
“You can. Come with me.”
Adam hesitates, the normal answer not quite so easy this time and Kris takes that moment to shock him even more than he's managed to since he showed up in Sasha's club so many weeks ago.
“It's not forever.” At the surprise that must show on his face, Kris almost smiles. “I have a proposition for you.”
“You want to pretend that you and Adam – bonded, is that the right word here?”
Tommy isn't the only one who needs to have this explained again. “Kris – I don't even know what to say.”
One of Kris' knee is twitching, a clear sign that he's nervous but his face is completely blank. Adam doesn't want to know when Kris had managed to learn how to do that and what caused it to be a necessary skill.
He hates it.
“No. We just need to pretend that we will.”
“Oh, well, then. That's much better.” The sarcasm drips from the words and Kris narrows his eyes, sending him a glare Adam thinks Brad would be proud of.
“What does it matter?”
“Because I don't want to live a lie.” I don't want to pretend to love you because I'm kinda of dying a little from how much I already do is what he meant to say but Adam knows better than to let that bit of truth out of the bag. “I don't even understand how we would 'pretend' that.”
Kris leans forward, hands clasping in front of him. “This is simple, Adam. None of the families here or in New York have the confidence that we can fight Cowell without you. They need to see a leader that they have confidence in. I'm not that guy. You've met Daniel. It's your place. If we can get the treaties signed and show that we have the forces to stand up to that son of a bitch than we might have a chance to win this.”
Adam shakes his head. “I still don't see –”
“Basically this would be an engagement in name only?” Alisan blurts out and Adam's eyes widen when Kris nods slowly.
“Wait. Engagement?”
“They have to believe that you're coming back. So, we tell them I ran into you out here, we talked and you decided that you were ready to come home. We'll get the treaties and alliances we need. You can catch up with the family.” He's leaving something out but before Adam can ask, Kris continues. “And in the end, you get what you've wanted: your freedom.”
“I have my freedom.”
Kris smiles, sad and resigned when he says quietly. “Dad will make it official. We won't bother you again, Adam. Complete and total absence of responsibility.” Kris glances down at his watch and stands up. “I have to go.” He's in front of Adam, pulling him into a hug before Adam can blink.
“Please think about it, okay? And if you decide not to – I'll understand.” He whispers in Adam's ear and then he's out of the door and gone.
Adam breathes out; bending at the waist to keep his balance and when he glances up Tommy is staring at him.
“You're so fucked, baby boy.”
|Part Three|
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Date: 2011-08-12 09:57 am (UTC)