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freakykatTitle: take this cover up (2/3)
Author(s):![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
freakykat
Rating: R
Characters: Luke Snyder/Noah Mayer, Noah Mayer/OMC, Luke Snyder/OMC
Word Count: 3580
Disclaimer: Don't own the boys, unfortunately. No money made. Not even a little bit. Not even at all.
Summary: Noah is getting married. Luke is hiding some truths.
Author’s Notes: I have no idea. It's this song's fault. I apologize profusely. There is...angst. Thanks tonoelleleithe for the beta. Mad ninja skills, that one. Song and lyrics from "Congratulations" by Blue October feat. Imogen Heap
1. my chance of being open is broken...
2. my heart, my pain won't cover up...
Noah believes in fairy tales.
At least he used to.
He remembers being invited to a Didi Watson's birthday part when he was six. The only other boys there were Didi's brothers and one of the general's kids. They were pretty much outnumbered so when it was time to watch a movie, Cinderella was the hands down winner.
After ten minutes, the other boys left the room, wanting to play at something else, but Noah had been entranced by what was happening on the screen. He grinned through the music, the colors so bright , the story that he knew from the old fairytales one of his babysitters used to read him seemed more believable and when it ended, he felt happy.
Good people won their happy endings.
The older he’d gotten, the harder it had become for him to believe.
Then he met Luke Snyder.
And he’d known.
--
“Honey?”
“Hmm?”
Noah looks up from his position on the couch, laptop balanced on his knees. He pulls his concentration away from the notes he’s been taking, smiling at the perplexed look on James face. It looks like he’s holding two identical ties in his hand.
“Something wrong?”
“What’s the difference between this one” -- he holds up one blue striped tie -- “and this one again?” and holds up the other one. “Lucinda insists there’s one but --”
“I have no idea.”
James laughs, warm, familiar and Noah's smile stretches as he watches him shake his head, laying the ties on the coffee table where Noah’s feet are reclined. “Did you want lunch?”
“That’d be nice.”
James starts to say something when the doorbell rings. They blink at each other for a second. “You expecting someone?”
Noah shakes his head. “Nope.”
He stands as James walks around the corner, disappearing to answer the door. He hears James' distant greeting, tone surprised but happy and it’s enough to make Noah curious. He grimaces at the cramp in his shoulder and closes his laptop, stretches his arms up and reaches over his head, toes pointed. There’s a crack in his spine and he moans at the release.
“That’s a hell of a way to greet a guest, Mayer.”
His heart topples in his chest and he fumbles in his haste to turn around. Luke is leaning against the entryway, lips twitching up in amusement. Noah blinks once and then he’s wrapping his arms around Luke, lifting him up just slightly.
“What the hell are you doing here?”
He feels Luke burrow into his shoulder, the sigh he gives lost into Noah’s skin and he’s not sure what is going on but something is different. He pushes Luke away to see his face. Sometimes it’s the only way Noah can gauge anything when it comes to Luke.
“You okay?”
He gets a quick nod and a hand wave but no real answer.
James enters and Noah glances at him, meets his eyes and he knows James understands when he stops next to Luke, one arm flung over his shoulder. “You hungry, man?”
Luke smiles, bright and Noah feels it right in his gut. Like he always does. It’s something that takes getting used to but it’s who they are. He can’t help smile when Luke leans into James, one arm coming around his waist and says, “Feed me, Seymour.” Noah laughs as they turn towards the kitchen. Luke lets go of James then pauses to look back at Noah, eyes warm and smile wide. “You better come too or I’m going to eat it all.”
Noah rolls his eyes and follows.
--
It took them a long time to get to where they are.
Noah remembers once thinking he would never be able to look at Luke without it hurting too much.
It hurts.
But in a different way then he'd thought.
There's no explosion of pain where he can't even breathe. Not anymore. It's a soft touch of regret, longing that hits him sometimes when he looks at Luke. It's familiar and not completely unwanted.
He watches Luke listen intently as James tells him about the meeting he's dreading, the gift James' mother had sent him when she'd received their wedding invitation (“A singles cruise.” James laughs at Luke's pissed off glare. “Exactly.”), and the hilarity of their fumbling through marriage plans. Noah keeps his eyes on Luke, gaze falling to his mouth as he grins and he smiles at the memories that brings. When he looks up, Luke flicks his gaze away fast and Noah frowns.
He doesn't know what to think.
--
Despite everything they'd done to each other, Noah had believed that one day he'd get that happy ending with Luke. He was willing to wait for it. After Reid's death, which changed them both, he thought that time would make it better, heal what Luke felt.
Then, Paolo happened.
He doesn’t pretend to understand what that was about. All he still knows is that Luke broke his heart. It had taken everything in his power not to fall apart. He’d managed to survive but his anger had been overwhelming.
Luke’s calls and emails, letters and apologies made him irrational to the point where he was afraid if he saw Luke, he might actually hit him. (He once slammed the door in Luke’s face to avoid that.) And that would have ended up destroying him. It brought back all the pain from Reid. The doubts that Luke had ever loved him if he was capable of choosing other people over him every time.
He knows better now.
James had fallen into Noah’s life at a point where he wasn’t expecting him and despite still loving Luke, somehow, he’d found that he could love James as much.
It was just different.
Maybe not with the depth he had Luke but that was something James (and by extension Luke) had shown him. That love could be all consuming or it could be quiet and steady. That you could burn up with it. Or it could be the calm in your storm.
Neither way of loving was less.
--
“So.”
Luke glances up at him, smiles so deeply that Noah's breath catches for a moment before Luke turns his gaze out the window. “It's time, right?”
Noah knows his answer isn't required.
After dropping James off at the airport that morning, Noah had detoured to the hotel that Luke was staying at. He'd paused before entering Luke's room, a quick succession of images flashing across his mind, but Luke had grinned at seeing him and Noah pushed the thoughts away. They'd had lunch on Luke's balcony, enjoying the view as the waves broke against the sand, and talked about everything and nothing.
But Noah knew Luke. Better than probably most people.
He'd watched Luke tell animated tales about Ethan's adventures in school, Lucinda's on again/off again relationship with John, his parents always irritating see-sawing, the girls' giving him heart attacks with their horrendous taste in men, don't laugh, Noah, it's not funny (Noah chose not to mention that Nat was only fourteen and her boyfriend was as adorable as she was), and life in Oakdale.
The conversation had tapered off some time ago, leaving them looking out over the sand and water or at each other.
So. Yeah. It was time.
“I think I'd like to know the real reason you're here.” At no point had he actually bought the foundation business bullshit.
Luke brings his gaze back to Noah, something pained behind it and Noah's heart flutters a little, remembers what that look once meant leveled at him. It's gone too quickly for him to be sure it was even there. He watches Luke jerk his head in the direction of the beach and waits for it to be a spoken question.
“Would you like to take a walk with me?”
--
They walk for what seems like hours to Noah. Slow, unhurried gait as they pass the crowded, popular parts of Santa Monica Beach, the Pier with its people and vendors and noise. (Noah makes Luke take off his shoes about a mile down the beach because they cost more than my whole wardrobe, Snyder, seriously.) At some point Luke joins their hands together, swinging them between their bodies as they move along, connecting them even at a distance. Noah flicks nervous looks at Luke's profile, throat a little too dry to speak. He doesn't know what he would say anyway.
This is Luke's show.
Eventually they reached a deserted area, one that Noah hasn't even explored before, and after a minute he sees the private property signs.
“Luke, this isn't for --”
“It's okay. I took care of it.”
Noah looks at him but doesn't say anything else as Luke takes a sit on the sand. He glances up at Noah, pats the spot next to him. “Come on.” When Noah doesn't move right away, Luke laces his fingers through Noah's, pulls him down until his ass hits the hard grains.
“Ouch.”
“Well, you always have to make it difficult.” Luke gives him a mock scowl, flashing a grin as he focuses his attention on the incoming waves. High-tide is coming pretty soon. Noah wonders if Luke realizes he's about to ruin those pants. His eyes roam up Luke's legs – and he follows Luke's example, swinging his stare to the horizon.
They sit in silence for several long minutes and Noah watches Luke's face twitch with suppressed thoughts and emotions. He knows that look. It means Luke is gathering his words carefully which makes whatever he is going to say important. Noah busies himself taking off his own shoes then socks, making sure they stay together so he doesn't lose them. He digs his toes in the cool, grainy sand and tries to remember the first time he ever experienced that.
Luke's loud sigh brings his attention back to him. His head is bent low and Noah's stomach drops.
He's about to demand that Luke spill it already because he was starting to freak out when Luke shifts around until he's sideways to Noah. Without thinking, Noah turns to do the same and they're facing each other. Luke gives him a smile, his eyes bright in the sun and he takes both of Noah's hands in his.
“There's no way to say this except to, you know, say it.”
Noah blinks, thousands of scenarios racing through his head about the family, about Casey, about Luke. He squeezes Luke's hand tightly. “Tell me, Luke.”
Luke glances down, nods and when he speaks again, it's directed at the sand, the smallest laugh of words. “I love you.”
Noah freezes, blinks, waits for something more but Luke's inability to look at him doesn't make any sense. “I know that – you're my best --”
Luke shakes his head, draws in a deep breath and finally raises his eyes to meet Noah's.
“I'm in love with you, Noah.”
Noah's world tilts a little off its axis.
--
When Noah decided to say yes to James, it had been with the clear knowledge that this was the path he wanted to take. He'd loved two men in his life, still did, and that had shaped what he wanted from his life. He was happy. It wasn't something he told himself to feel the loss of Luke less.
That never really lessened.
It was because James made him feel that he could have all those things he'd wanted with Luke and thought he couldn't get. He'd experienced love with all the traps and pitfalls. It was nice to have it easy, even when he'd fought against it.
James had made him understand a lot about the love of his life.
It was surreal.
But it was what it was.
He was happy.
--
Noah always laughed at the phrase “It was like time stood still” but he thinks he'll never do that again because everything slows down to just the two of them, their hands entwined, his heart beating so hard against his chest it feels like it's rattling loose. Luke's eyes stay firm on his. It takes a moment to get his wits together and when he does, he feels that rush of anger that he thought had burned out long ago.
He tries to pull his hands away but there's a distinct tightening of Luke's hands. Noah breathes harshly, voice stuck in his throat, something burning in his eyes. “What – why? Why are you doing this?”
Luke's own eyes are wet and he pushes forward, their knees touching, and he speaks quietly, carves his words into Noah's skin. “Listen to me. I'm not trying to – I know you love, James. I know you really love him. Hell, I love him. He's a great guy. And you've always deserved greatness.” Noah stills, watches emotions play across Luke's face. “We made a lot of mistakes, Noah. But I think we've made it through them and by some miracle, we're sitting here, maybe not whole but we're here.”
Luke stops, bites his lip and Noah sees the tremble, hears the slight crumble in his voice. “I never meant to hurt you. Not with Reid. I did love him, maybe not the way I did you, but I did. He taught me a lot and in the end, he made me understand what we had better.”
Noah stops trying to move, listens, his fingers curling around Luke's. “And Paolo?”
“Paolo was grief. Fear. Probably the biggest mistake I made in my life. At that time, I just – I didn't – there's no real excuse for what I did, Noah.”
Luke takes a moment to find Noah's gaze.
“I just don't want you to think – I don't want you going into this thinking that people don't love for the long haul.” He tries to move his head away but Luke holds on to the back of his neck, makes him meet his gaze. “Love was never the problem. I will always love you. That won't ever stop. No matter where I end up.”
Noah nods, choking on tears he doesn't want to let loose. “You left me.”
Luke closes his eyes, nods. “You left me, too.”
Their foreheads touch, tears and breathes mingle, Noah feels something crack inside that he'd long thought healed. He cries hard, Luke's hands carding through his hair, murmuring comfort and love, love, love.
They stay that way until Noah's legs cramp and even then he just clutches more at Luke's shoulders, hands smoothing his jacket gently. “I love you. You know that, right?”
Noah feels Luke's nod. “I do.”
--
Noah's way of coping with loving Luke had started with ignoring it. Then denying it. Then accepting it. Thriving in it. Needing it beyond reason. And eventually mourning it.
There had been anger and hate -- he thinks those were the worst moments, hating someone you couldn't live without.
Learning to love Luke completely and without justification came later.
It was another thing he found when he looked outside of the boys they had been, realized that happiness doesn't always arrive when you want it.
But it does arrive.
--
“Do you believe in alternate universes?”
Luke is leaning against his chest, Noah's arms wrapped around him, legs tangled. They talked until the sun set, pink and yellow and purple warring for attention in the sky, the color dimming into darkness, pinpoints of light spread above their heads. About what they'd never admitted. About what they hoped their lives became.
They'd moved further back, waves almost touching them but retreating before they made contact.
It was ridiculously symbolic.
Noah nods. “I think there are different paths we choose and where they take us changes everything.”
Luke swallows hard. “Do you think we ever got it right?”
Noah smiles a little. “Hell yes.”
The laugh is one he remembers with longing, the one that shakes Luke all the way through his core. “I bet they fight all the time.”
Noah nuzzles Luke's ear, breathes deep. “Luke is annoying, of course they do.” Luke whacks him across the thigh and Noah ignores how that stirs everything up. They aren't doing that. This is for them. This is what they should have done long ago. “They're probably living in Oakdale, house, kids, car, the whole nine yards.”
Luke sighs. “I'm happy for them.”
Noah hugs him tighter. “Me, too.”
--
James told him about Max about three months into their relationship when Noah had argued that he couldn't understand where he was coming from.
Max had been James' high school sweetheart. They'd been together, through everything imaginable. Families opposing, careers, fights, temptation, everything. Sure in the fact that it would never change because they could sustain whatever hit them.
Until a stray bullet from a robber proved them wrong.
“Luke didn't die, James.”
James had given him that soft look he reserved for Noah. “To you, he kind of did.”
--
They lie on Luke's hotel bed, bodies almost touching at points: feet, knees, thighs, chest, noses. He memorizes the slant of moonlight across Luke's cheeks, the changes in his eyes, thinness in his cheeks, the tilt of mouth, touches with his finger the curve of his cheek, breathes deep to have him everywhere.
“Are you going to be alright?”
Luke smiles, nods. “I think so. Carrying this around --”
“Had to be hard.” Noah traces his fingers under Luke's eyes to the dark skin there.
“But it'll get better.”
“Hmm.”
They drift in and out of sleep, in and out of conversation, in and out of each other's arms. It helps to have this, to know that the love he keeps isn't by itself. It stirs something inside Noah.
“I don't regret waiting for you.”
Luke opens his eyes, one finger poking Noah's cheek. “I regret making you wait.”
--
His love for Luke is never far.
Sometimes it's a quiet rumble in his chest. Other times a cacophony that won't ever stop.
It doesn't change the promises he's made or what they mean to him.
Loving someone shouldn't be a burden.
--
“Are you going to tell James?”
Noah blinks his eyes open to meet Luke's warm brown, nods. “Yeah. I don't think he'll be surprised. I almost feel he'll be glad.”
Luke raises an eyebrow. “I'd be pissed.”
“Well, I don't think he'll be thrilled about this --” Noah waves at them, the bed, the room. “Green will definitely rear its head. But we'll work past it. We always do.”
Luke's brow furrows but Noah waves it off. “What will you do when you get home?”
“Sleep.”
Noah laughs. “And after?”
Luke smiles wide. “I think I'll roll with the punches.”
--
Noah likes the man he's become, the life he leads and how he got here.
It's not something he takes for granted.
--
“I think I was holding on to it so hard because it fit with the boy you were. I fit with him.”
Noah bites his tongue against the instinct to say they still fit.
He pulls Luke in, brushes a kiss against his forehead and lets it go.
--
The next morning is nothing like he thinks it will be. They get up together, take turns in the bathroom and fall back into the pattern of their friendship. Luke comments on the meeting he has (Noah is actually shocked that was true) and the changes he's making to the foundation. He orders breakfast for them and they eat in the same spot they had the afternoon before.
There's an easiness now that hadn't been there earlier and Noah doesn't look at it too closely.
“You promise to call, right? I'm not going to have to fly down to Oakdale to get my best friend to talk to me.”
Luke smiles. “You can't get rid of me, you know that.”
Noah accepts the hug, lingers inside Luke's warmth until he thinks he can walk away without stumbling on his feet. He steps into the hallway, turning to watch Luke at the door. He bites his tongue on the words, waves and disappears around the corner to the elevator bay.
He doesn't do anything different on his way home. Stops to buy milk, picks up the dry cleaning. Checks his texts and messages. Warms when he sees James arrived safe. Laughs at the bored text Luke sends him.
It hits him when he steps inside his door.
The pain so sharp and surprising that he almost buckles. He manages to fight it off, long enough to put the milk away and walk to the bedroom. Stripping, he discards his clothes in the hamper, reaches for his sleep pants, climbs into his bed.
He stares at the ceiling until the prickle of heat starts in his eyes, the stutter in breath picks up sped and he bites his lip. He trembles as the tears come and he feels something tear.
Noah closes his eyes and lets it break.
3. I wanted to give you something I’ve been wanting to give to you for years...my heart.
♥
Author(s):
freakykat Rating: R
Characters: Luke Snyder/Noah Mayer, Noah Mayer/OMC, Luke Snyder/OMC
Word Count: 3580
Disclaimer: Don't own the boys, unfortunately. No money made. Not even a little bit. Not even at all.
Summary: Noah is getting married. Luke is hiding some truths.
Author’s Notes: I have no idea. It's this song's fault. I apologize profusely. There is...angst. Thanks to
noelleleithe for the beta. Mad ninja skills, that one. Song and lyrics from "Congratulations" by Blue October feat. Imogen Heap1. my chance of being open is broken...
2. my heart, my pain won't cover up...
Noah believes in fairy tales.
At least he used to.
He remembers being invited to a Didi Watson's birthday part when he was six. The only other boys there were Didi's brothers and one of the general's kids. They were pretty much outnumbered so when it was time to watch a movie, Cinderella was the hands down winner.
After ten minutes, the other boys left the room, wanting to play at something else, but Noah had been entranced by what was happening on the screen. He grinned through the music, the colors so bright , the story that he knew from the old fairytales one of his babysitters used to read him seemed more believable and when it ended, he felt happy.
Good people won their happy endings.
The older he’d gotten, the harder it had become for him to believe.
Then he met Luke Snyder.
And he’d known.
--
“Honey?”
“Hmm?”
Noah looks up from his position on the couch, laptop balanced on his knees. He pulls his concentration away from the notes he’s been taking, smiling at the perplexed look on James face. It looks like he’s holding two identical ties in his hand.
“Something wrong?”
“What’s the difference between this one” -- he holds up one blue striped tie -- “and this one again?” and holds up the other one. “Lucinda insists there’s one but --”
“I have no idea.”
James laughs, warm, familiar and Noah's smile stretches as he watches him shake his head, laying the ties on the coffee table where Noah’s feet are reclined. “Did you want lunch?”
“That’d be nice.”
James starts to say something when the doorbell rings. They blink at each other for a second. “You expecting someone?”
Noah shakes his head. “Nope.”
He stands as James walks around the corner, disappearing to answer the door. He hears James' distant greeting, tone surprised but happy and it’s enough to make Noah curious. He grimaces at the cramp in his shoulder and closes his laptop, stretches his arms up and reaches over his head, toes pointed. There’s a crack in his spine and he moans at the release.
“That’s a hell of a way to greet a guest, Mayer.”
His heart topples in his chest and he fumbles in his haste to turn around. Luke is leaning against the entryway, lips twitching up in amusement. Noah blinks once and then he’s wrapping his arms around Luke, lifting him up just slightly.
“What the hell are you doing here?”
He feels Luke burrow into his shoulder, the sigh he gives lost into Noah’s skin and he’s not sure what is going on but something is different. He pushes Luke away to see his face. Sometimes it’s the only way Noah can gauge anything when it comes to Luke.
“You okay?”
He gets a quick nod and a hand wave but no real answer.
James enters and Noah glances at him, meets his eyes and he knows James understands when he stops next to Luke, one arm flung over his shoulder. “You hungry, man?”
Luke smiles, bright and Noah feels it right in his gut. Like he always does. It’s something that takes getting used to but it’s who they are. He can’t help smile when Luke leans into James, one arm coming around his waist and says, “Feed me, Seymour.” Noah laughs as they turn towards the kitchen. Luke lets go of James then pauses to look back at Noah, eyes warm and smile wide. “You better come too or I’m going to eat it all.”
Noah rolls his eyes and follows.
--
It took them a long time to get to where they are.
Noah remembers once thinking he would never be able to look at Luke without it hurting too much.
It hurts.
But in a different way then he'd thought.
There's no explosion of pain where he can't even breathe. Not anymore. It's a soft touch of regret, longing that hits him sometimes when he looks at Luke. It's familiar and not completely unwanted.
He watches Luke listen intently as James tells him about the meeting he's dreading, the gift James' mother had sent him when she'd received their wedding invitation (“A singles cruise.” James laughs at Luke's pissed off glare. “Exactly.”), and the hilarity of their fumbling through marriage plans. Noah keeps his eyes on Luke, gaze falling to his mouth as he grins and he smiles at the memories that brings. When he looks up, Luke flicks his gaze away fast and Noah frowns.
He doesn't know what to think.
--
Despite everything they'd done to each other, Noah had believed that one day he'd get that happy ending with Luke. He was willing to wait for it. After Reid's death, which changed them both, he thought that time would make it better, heal what Luke felt.
Then, Paolo happened.
He doesn’t pretend to understand what that was about. All he still knows is that Luke broke his heart. It had taken everything in his power not to fall apart. He’d managed to survive but his anger had been overwhelming.
Luke’s calls and emails, letters and apologies made him irrational to the point where he was afraid if he saw Luke, he might actually hit him. (He once slammed the door in Luke’s face to avoid that.) And that would have ended up destroying him. It brought back all the pain from Reid. The doubts that Luke had ever loved him if he was capable of choosing other people over him every time.
He knows better now.
James had fallen into Noah’s life at a point where he wasn’t expecting him and despite still loving Luke, somehow, he’d found that he could love James as much.
It was just different.
Maybe not with the depth he had Luke but that was something James (and by extension Luke) had shown him. That love could be all consuming or it could be quiet and steady. That you could burn up with it. Or it could be the calm in your storm.
Neither way of loving was less.
--
“So.”
Luke glances up at him, smiles so deeply that Noah's breath catches for a moment before Luke turns his gaze out the window. “It's time, right?”
Noah knows his answer isn't required.
After dropping James off at the airport that morning, Noah had detoured to the hotel that Luke was staying at. He'd paused before entering Luke's room, a quick succession of images flashing across his mind, but Luke had grinned at seeing him and Noah pushed the thoughts away. They'd had lunch on Luke's balcony, enjoying the view as the waves broke against the sand, and talked about everything and nothing.
But Noah knew Luke. Better than probably most people.
He'd watched Luke tell animated tales about Ethan's adventures in school, Lucinda's on again/off again relationship with John, his parents always irritating see-sawing, the girls' giving him heart attacks with their horrendous taste in men, don't laugh, Noah, it's not funny (Noah chose not to mention that Nat was only fourteen and her boyfriend was as adorable as she was), and life in Oakdale.
The conversation had tapered off some time ago, leaving them looking out over the sand and water or at each other.
So. Yeah. It was time.
“I think I'd like to know the real reason you're here.” At no point had he actually bought the foundation business bullshit.
Luke brings his gaze back to Noah, something pained behind it and Noah's heart flutters a little, remembers what that look once meant leveled at him. It's gone too quickly for him to be sure it was even there. He watches Luke jerk his head in the direction of the beach and waits for it to be a spoken question.
“Would you like to take a walk with me?”
--
They walk for what seems like hours to Noah. Slow, unhurried gait as they pass the crowded, popular parts of Santa Monica Beach, the Pier with its people and vendors and noise. (Noah makes Luke take off his shoes about a mile down the beach because they cost more than my whole wardrobe, Snyder, seriously.) At some point Luke joins their hands together, swinging them between their bodies as they move along, connecting them even at a distance. Noah flicks nervous looks at Luke's profile, throat a little too dry to speak. He doesn't know what he would say anyway.
This is Luke's show.
Eventually they reached a deserted area, one that Noah hasn't even explored before, and after a minute he sees the private property signs.
“Luke, this isn't for --”
“It's okay. I took care of it.”
Noah looks at him but doesn't say anything else as Luke takes a sit on the sand. He glances up at Noah, pats the spot next to him. “Come on.” When Noah doesn't move right away, Luke laces his fingers through Noah's, pulls him down until his ass hits the hard grains.
“Ouch.”
“Well, you always have to make it difficult.” Luke gives him a mock scowl, flashing a grin as he focuses his attention on the incoming waves. High-tide is coming pretty soon. Noah wonders if Luke realizes he's about to ruin those pants. His eyes roam up Luke's legs – and he follows Luke's example, swinging his stare to the horizon.
They sit in silence for several long minutes and Noah watches Luke's face twitch with suppressed thoughts and emotions. He knows that look. It means Luke is gathering his words carefully which makes whatever he is going to say important. Noah busies himself taking off his own shoes then socks, making sure they stay together so he doesn't lose them. He digs his toes in the cool, grainy sand and tries to remember the first time he ever experienced that.
Luke's loud sigh brings his attention back to him. His head is bent low and Noah's stomach drops.
He's about to demand that Luke spill it already because he was starting to freak out when Luke shifts around until he's sideways to Noah. Without thinking, Noah turns to do the same and they're facing each other. Luke gives him a smile, his eyes bright in the sun and he takes both of Noah's hands in his.
“There's no way to say this except to, you know, say it.”
Noah blinks, thousands of scenarios racing through his head about the family, about Casey, about Luke. He squeezes Luke's hand tightly. “Tell me, Luke.”
Luke glances down, nods and when he speaks again, it's directed at the sand, the smallest laugh of words. “I love you.”
Noah freezes, blinks, waits for something more but Luke's inability to look at him doesn't make any sense. “I know that – you're my best --”
Luke shakes his head, draws in a deep breath and finally raises his eyes to meet Noah's.
“I'm in love with you, Noah.”
Noah's world tilts a little off its axis.
--
When Noah decided to say yes to James, it had been with the clear knowledge that this was the path he wanted to take. He'd loved two men in his life, still did, and that had shaped what he wanted from his life. He was happy. It wasn't something he told himself to feel the loss of Luke less.
That never really lessened.
It was because James made him feel that he could have all those things he'd wanted with Luke and thought he couldn't get. He'd experienced love with all the traps and pitfalls. It was nice to have it easy, even when he'd fought against it.
James had made him understand a lot about the love of his life.
It was surreal.
But it was what it was.
He was happy.
--
Noah always laughed at the phrase “It was like time stood still” but he thinks he'll never do that again because everything slows down to just the two of them, their hands entwined, his heart beating so hard against his chest it feels like it's rattling loose. Luke's eyes stay firm on his. It takes a moment to get his wits together and when he does, he feels that rush of anger that he thought had burned out long ago.
He tries to pull his hands away but there's a distinct tightening of Luke's hands. Noah breathes harshly, voice stuck in his throat, something burning in his eyes. “What – why? Why are you doing this?”
Luke's own eyes are wet and he pushes forward, their knees touching, and he speaks quietly, carves his words into Noah's skin. “Listen to me. I'm not trying to – I know you love, James. I know you really love him. Hell, I love him. He's a great guy. And you've always deserved greatness.” Noah stills, watches emotions play across Luke's face. “We made a lot of mistakes, Noah. But I think we've made it through them and by some miracle, we're sitting here, maybe not whole but we're here.”
Luke stops, bites his lip and Noah sees the tremble, hears the slight crumble in his voice. “I never meant to hurt you. Not with Reid. I did love him, maybe not the way I did you, but I did. He taught me a lot and in the end, he made me understand what we had better.”
Noah stops trying to move, listens, his fingers curling around Luke's. “And Paolo?”
“Paolo was grief. Fear. Probably the biggest mistake I made in my life. At that time, I just – I didn't – there's no real excuse for what I did, Noah.”
Luke takes a moment to find Noah's gaze.
“I just don't want you to think – I don't want you going into this thinking that people don't love for the long haul.” He tries to move his head away but Luke holds on to the back of his neck, makes him meet his gaze. “Love was never the problem. I will always love you. That won't ever stop. No matter where I end up.”
Noah nods, choking on tears he doesn't want to let loose. “You left me.”
Luke closes his eyes, nods. “You left me, too.”
Their foreheads touch, tears and breathes mingle, Noah feels something crack inside that he'd long thought healed. He cries hard, Luke's hands carding through his hair, murmuring comfort and love, love, love.
They stay that way until Noah's legs cramp and even then he just clutches more at Luke's shoulders, hands smoothing his jacket gently. “I love you. You know that, right?”
Noah feels Luke's nod. “I do.”
--
Noah's way of coping with loving Luke had started with ignoring it. Then denying it. Then accepting it. Thriving in it. Needing it beyond reason. And eventually mourning it.
There had been anger and hate -- he thinks those were the worst moments, hating someone you couldn't live without.
Learning to love Luke completely and without justification came later.
It was another thing he found when he looked outside of the boys they had been, realized that happiness doesn't always arrive when you want it.
But it does arrive.
--
“Do you believe in alternate universes?”
Luke is leaning against his chest, Noah's arms wrapped around him, legs tangled. They talked until the sun set, pink and yellow and purple warring for attention in the sky, the color dimming into darkness, pinpoints of light spread above their heads. About what they'd never admitted. About what they hoped their lives became.
They'd moved further back, waves almost touching them but retreating before they made contact.
It was ridiculously symbolic.
Noah nods. “I think there are different paths we choose and where they take us changes everything.”
Luke swallows hard. “Do you think we ever got it right?”
Noah smiles a little. “Hell yes.”
The laugh is one he remembers with longing, the one that shakes Luke all the way through his core. “I bet they fight all the time.”
Noah nuzzles Luke's ear, breathes deep. “Luke is annoying, of course they do.” Luke whacks him across the thigh and Noah ignores how that stirs everything up. They aren't doing that. This is for them. This is what they should have done long ago. “They're probably living in Oakdale, house, kids, car, the whole nine yards.”
Luke sighs. “I'm happy for them.”
Noah hugs him tighter. “Me, too.”
--
James told him about Max about three months into their relationship when Noah had argued that he couldn't understand where he was coming from.
Max had been James' high school sweetheart. They'd been together, through everything imaginable. Families opposing, careers, fights, temptation, everything. Sure in the fact that it would never change because they could sustain whatever hit them.
Until a stray bullet from a robber proved them wrong.
“Luke didn't die, James.”
James had given him that soft look he reserved for Noah. “To you, he kind of did.”
--
They lie on Luke's hotel bed, bodies almost touching at points: feet, knees, thighs, chest, noses. He memorizes the slant of moonlight across Luke's cheeks, the changes in his eyes, thinness in his cheeks, the tilt of mouth, touches with his finger the curve of his cheek, breathes deep to have him everywhere.
“Are you going to be alright?”
Luke smiles, nods. “I think so. Carrying this around --”
“Had to be hard.” Noah traces his fingers under Luke's eyes to the dark skin there.
“But it'll get better.”
“Hmm.”
They drift in and out of sleep, in and out of conversation, in and out of each other's arms. It helps to have this, to know that the love he keeps isn't by itself. It stirs something inside Noah.
“I don't regret waiting for you.”
Luke opens his eyes, one finger poking Noah's cheek. “I regret making you wait.”
--
His love for Luke is never far.
Sometimes it's a quiet rumble in his chest. Other times a cacophony that won't ever stop.
It doesn't change the promises he's made or what they mean to him.
Loving someone shouldn't be a burden.
--
“Are you going to tell James?”
Noah blinks his eyes open to meet Luke's warm brown, nods. “Yeah. I don't think he'll be surprised. I almost feel he'll be glad.”
Luke raises an eyebrow. “I'd be pissed.”
“Well, I don't think he'll be thrilled about this --” Noah waves at them, the bed, the room. “Green will definitely rear its head. But we'll work past it. We always do.”
Luke's brow furrows but Noah waves it off. “What will you do when you get home?”
“Sleep.”
Noah laughs. “And after?”
Luke smiles wide. “I think I'll roll with the punches.”
--
Noah likes the man he's become, the life he leads and how he got here.
It's not something he takes for granted.
--
“I think I was holding on to it so hard because it fit with the boy you were. I fit with him.”
Noah bites his tongue against the instinct to say they still fit.
He pulls Luke in, brushes a kiss against his forehead and lets it go.
--
The next morning is nothing like he thinks it will be. They get up together, take turns in the bathroom and fall back into the pattern of their friendship. Luke comments on the meeting he has (Noah is actually shocked that was true) and the changes he's making to the foundation. He orders breakfast for them and they eat in the same spot they had the afternoon before.
There's an easiness now that hadn't been there earlier and Noah doesn't look at it too closely.
“You promise to call, right? I'm not going to have to fly down to Oakdale to get my best friend to talk to me.”
Luke smiles. “You can't get rid of me, you know that.”
Noah accepts the hug, lingers inside Luke's warmth until he thinks he can walk away without stumbling on his feet. He steps into the hallway, turning to watch Luke at the door. He bites his tongue on the words, waves and disappears around the corner to the elevator bay.
He doesn't do anything different on his way home. Stops to buy milk, picks up the dry cleaning. Checks his texts and messages. Warms when he sees James arrived safe. Laughs at the bored text Luke sends him.
It hits him when he steps inside his door.
The pain so sharp and surprising that he almost buckles. He manages to fight it off, long enough to put the milk away and walk to the bedroom. Stripping, he discards his clothes in the hamper, reaches for his sleep pants, climbs into his bed.
He stares at the ceiling until the prickle of heat starts in his eyes, the stutter in breath picks up sped and he bites his lip. He trembles as the tears come and he feels something tear.
Noah closes his eyes and lets it break.
3. I wanted to give you something I’ve been wanting to give to you for years...my heart.
♥
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Date: 2011-02-09 05:27 am (UTC)