![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
freakykatTitle: All The Things We Never Were
Author(s):![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
freakykat
Rating: NC-17
Characters/Pairings: Luke Snyder/Noah Mayer
Summary: I don't wanna dream about all the things that never were.
|Prologue|Part One|Part Two|
Part Three
~Los Angeles, February 2013 ~
Noah stares at his reflection in the mirror, eyes the cut of the suit, rolling his shoulders in an effort to make it fall better over his shoulders. He's never going to be a suit guy, he thinks. Maybe it was that he was required to wear one every Sunday from when he was five until he was eighteen. His father insisted. It was never him. Noah prefers to be comfortable and low key.
But he tends to put that aside for special occasions. Especially when he’s a prominent figure in those particular occasions. He pats his pocket, finds the bulge of the ring and breathes.
Abe would kill him if he lost it.
He isn't sure how he finds himself as the best man in his ex-wife's wedding.
All Noah knows is that if he hadn't reconnected with Ameera when he'd moved to California, he wouldn't have survived the last year. He still doesn't even know how it all went down. He'd called her when he'd arrived, asked her to lunch and it was like what it should have been so many years before. She hugged him, forced him to admit why he and Luke had broken up (not the tame version he told the rest of the world but the real, gut-wrenching truth that he forced himself not to think about), and he’d since endured her constant pushing that he rethink it and go after Luke.
It was all his fault that she acted that way.
When she'd left for California, he'd given her Abe's number, thinking that it would be a good idea for her to know someone. Noah and Abe had been close friends through his last couple of years of high school and had kept in touch. He'd been someone Noah was able to share his love of film with. They'd planned to go to Hollywood together one day and blow up: Abe, writing. Noah, directing. Things had never worked out but Abe had made it and he figured his two friends should meet.
He wasn't expecting them to fall in love and when they did, that their lives would become as crazy as they had.
Abe's family had always frowned on his friendship with Noah (he’s pretty sure now that it was because Mrs. Parker had known Noah was gay), had always preferred their children to interact strictly with people from their temple circle. Abe had explained that his family's belief had left them very little room to be flexible. He was supposed to marry within the Orthodox religion. He was supposed to stay close to his family and community. He was supposed to give up who he wanted to be.
That hadn't worked and Abe had left home at eighteen, his family cutting all ties with him and Noah thinks now that it's for the best.
Ameera and Abe's relationship would not have gone over well if he still had family.
He smiles at his reflection and thinks it's probably why they had become so close. They constantly said he was their family, the one they chose and he's grateful to have that in his life.
He misses his own so much.
Reaching for the tie, he pauses when the door opens and his heart skips that beat when Luke sticks his head around the corner. “Hey.”
“Hey yourself.”
He enters the room, dark gray suit fitting the line of his shoulder perfectly, light gray shirt opened two buttons, his own tie slung around his neck loosely. Noah can't even think straight when he stares at him.
Luke grins, hands on his hips. “Are you having second thoughts?”
“I'm not the one getting married.”
“Not this time, no. I think you learned your lesson.”
“Yeah. Don't marry a girl. Doesn't work out for me.”
Luke chuckles, moves forward and grabs the lapels of Noah's jacket. Noah breathes through it and wonders who he should kill (or thank, really) for making Luke so tactile. When Luke reaches for his tie, Noah blinks back the deja vu and raises an eyebrow.
“What are you doing?”
Luke glances up as his fingers work the knot, under and over and through the loop, never faltering one moment. “You were never any good at this, Noah.”
Noah snorts. “I was always good at this. I just used it as an excuse.”
Luke smirks, smoothes a hand down the front of his shirt, tucks the perfect Windsor knot in place. “Oh-ho. So, that's what your game plan was.”
“What can I say, you're hard to resist.”
He flexes his hands at his side, refuses to give in to that constant urge but when Luke smiles up at him, he has to close them into fists to keep from pulling him in.
“You better believe it, baby.” He kisses Noah’s cheek, winks on the way out as he calls over his shoulder, “Abe is freaking out, come on.”
Noah lets his head drop onto his chest and sighs.
Sometimes he hated Luke Snyder almost as much as he loved him.
~~~*~~~
The wedding reception is in full swing and Noah relaxes for the first time all day. It's been non-stop go from the moment Ameera had called him up to tell him that Abe had proposed and that he was going to be their joint best man/maid of honor (he still doesn't know how he feels about that). They'd decided on a quick wedding, and neither one adhering to their religious upbringings much, they'd gone for a civil ceremony.
Noah had wondered why they were in a rush but they'd been adamant that they simply wanted to be together.
It wasn't until Ameera started throwing up two weeks before the wedding that they'd told him the other reason.
He was happy for them.
Luke practically had kittens when Ameera called him to share the news.
Somehow after Noah's confession to Ameera, she had reached out to Luke and they'd become the fast friends they never could have been before. When Noah couldn't make it home for the holidays (he and Matt had gone to his family that year), Abe and Ameera had taken his place.
He looks around the room, half full of Snyders and smiles. There's nothing like being surrounded by everyone he loves in the world. His gaze falls to Luke, head thrown back at whatever Abe had just said to him and lets himself look. It's been a long time since he allowed it. Luke's hair is longer than it’s been for a while, strands hanging down over his forehead, light blonde. Noah remembers how soft it is.
Two arms twine over his neck and he doesn't have to turn to know who it is.
“You should tell him.”
He can see her reflection in the mirrored wall across the room. She’s beautiful, more breathtaking than he'd ever seen her.
Noah shakes his head, sighs as he glances behind at her. “Ameera.” He sometimes misses the shy girl he knew once. This woman she is – in love and about to have a family – is wonderful and confident.
And pushy like no one would believe if he told them.
“He's alone.”
Noah takes a sip of his water. “Because Reid had surgery today,”
“You're alone.”
He flicks his gaze at her. “Because Matt is on location.”
Ameera stares at him hard. “You two are really going to make this difficult, aren't you?”
“We aren't.”
She shakes her head, grips his arms tight as she nods towards Luke. “Tell me you don't love him.”
He loves her like sister and for the most part, Ameera's steadfast belief that he and Luke belonged together was a balm for Noah, even when he knew it was impossible. But sometimes...it felt like an open wound being poked at.
He sets his glass of water on the table, takes her hand from his arm and blocks her view of Luke.
“Do you know what it's like to watch the one person you love the most in the world fall apart at the seams?” His mind wanders through the memories, the nightmares that plagued him. “Any idea, Ameera, what it does to you to know, to realize, that you're the reason they can't be fixed? That you can't help them.” He swallows down the anger at himself, at Luke, at all the ways they would never be. “It killed me to walk away from him. But if I hadn't, he would never have been able to get to where he is.”
He can hear Luke's laugh and it's like the sign he needs to know it was worth it.
“He's happy, Ameera. Everything else isn't important.”
He stops talking when he sees her heartbroken expression and when she starts to apologize he hugs her quickly.
“I'm sorry, Noah. I didn't know.”
He didn't either.
~~~*~~~
Luke keeps his gaze on Noah as he walks across the room toward his grandmother, smiles when Noah kisses her cheek softly and whispers something in Lucinda’s ear to make her laugh. It sends that familiar thrill through his blood, makes him wish things that can't happen. He's learned to ignore the innate reaction to wanting Noah. It's the way it is.
His eyes follow the tray of champagne as it floats by, sharp kick of thirst in his stomach and he glances away. He forgets how much harder these days can be when it's all around him.
Noah's laugh is loud, brings Luke's attention back to him.
Sometimes he's not sure which need is worse.
He watches Noah guide Lucinda to the floor and grins when they stumble together to the quiet song over the speakers. He can't imagine it's easy to lead with Lucinda Walsh as your partner. They sway around for a few minutes, talking animatedly about Luke could not guess what.
Something he doesn't recognize drives him forward. He downs the soda in his glass, drops it on a passing tray and makes his way across the room to greet them.
Luke has no idea what's changing but there's a new awareness he hadn't had for years now. Reid thinks it's the book.
He’s right.
When he reaches the dancing pair's side, he clears his throat and two set of curious eyes turn to him.
“Do you mind if I cut in?”
Noah gives him a soft smile and starts to step away, offering Luke his grandmother's hand as he does, freezing when Luke takes his instead.
“You don't mind do you, Grandmother?”
She smiles at them, sweeping one hand over Luke's shoulders as she walks back to her table. “Of course not, darling.”
Noah hesitates only a second before accepting Luke's other hand, and they pick up the beat on the next turn. They were always good at this part, their bodies syncing together like they were meant to do that. Luke leans his head on Noah's shoulder, fingers rubbing gently on his upper arm. He can pretend better this way.
They stay that way from one song to the next, never changing the pace or their distance.
Luke takes a deep breath as he says, “Did I tell you I sold the book?”
Noah pushes back an inch, eyebrows at his hairline. “You didn't?”
Luke grins and then laughs when Noah picks him off his feet in a hug.
“Why didn't you tell me?”
This is what he misses most, sharing his life with Noah, the details that make it important.
“I wasn't sure until earlier today.”
He'd wanted to tell Noah first. The idea for the book had spawned from their late night conversations and Noah had encouraged Luke to tell his story, their story in any way he could.
They're standing in the middle of the dance floor, no longer moving, and Luke realizes in just that moment that nothing has changed how he feels. It's a frightening thought and when he sees the pride shining in Noah's eyes it takes him back to the beginning of where they found themselves. He can't handle that yet.
He buries his face in Noah chest and lets the warmth of Noah's hand on his back seep through his clothes, over his skin and inside.
“I knew you could do it.”
Luke nods, the softness of the shirt caressing his skin and he just holds on. “You always believe in me.”
Noah's other hand delves into Luke's hair, curves at the back of his neck and Noah's lips touch his temple softly.
“And I always will.”
Some things change.
Some things never will.
~~~*~~~
~Oakdale, August 2013~
Noah opens his phone again, re-dials Luke's number, cursing when it goes straight to voice mail. He contemplates trying Lily's but it's been doing the same thing.
“The storm's been cutting out service.”
He glances up at the cab driver. That would make sense. Noah realizes driving into a possible tornado isn't the smartest idea but he doesn't know what else to do. He doesn't say anything, just grunts and forces his hands to unclench. The grip of uncertainty in his heart and stomach are harder to control.
It never fails to shock him how his life can change from one minute to the next.
Noah thinks it's ridiculous that eight hours ago he'd been lying in his empty bed, script and breakdowns spread over his covers. He'd been excited, happy that Gabe had approved his idea for a documentary. An old script dealing with his father and how he'd shaped Noah's life. He'd abandoned it when his father had tried to take him away from Oakdale in his last ditch effort to save Noah. There had been plenty of footage at the time but Noah had burned it all in a show of release.
He wished he hadn't.
His first thought was to call Luke, tell him all about it but one glance over at the empty side of his bed and he squelched it. Matt deserved that Noah try to put him first.
When the phone rang, he'd jumped and glanced at the clock. He was expecting Matt's call so he picked up without thinking to check who it was.
“Hello.”
He could hear breathing, fast and unsteady.
“Matt?”
Faith's voice greeted him. “Noah?”
His heart had stopped. It was three in the morning. Luke.
“Is it...what's going on, Faith.”
The call kept fading out and Noah's hand tightened on his phone as he tried to make out what Faith was saying.
“You need to come....he's here....Noah, we don't know....and Luke....needs you...”
That was the last he'd heard but that had been enough. Noah was out of his bed, shoving his legs into his jeans, calling to get a flight to Oakdale, racing to shove whatever clothes he could find in a bag and running out the door. He'd caught his flight, trying anyone back home and getting nothing.
His anxiety had increased when the pilot mentioned the horrible storm hitting their destination and the possibility they would have to turn around. Noah prayed that wasn't the case. He had no idea what the hell was going on. Someone had been listening because when he'd landed in Oakdale, the storm had hit hard enough that they closed down the airport but he'd made it there first.
The cab driver assures him that they're safe at the moment and Noah doesn't hear anything else. When they turn into the farm's driveway, he shoves a fifty at him, grabs his bag, and starts at a run for the house. The rain is coming down in pelts and he doesn't head around to the kitchen. The parlor entrance is closer so he makes towards it. Reaching the door, he bends to grab the extra key under the mat, thinks that maybe they need to find a new spot for it. He rams the key into the lock, turns and the door creaks open. He falls into the hall entrance, dripping wet all over the floor. Dropping his bag, he enters into the living room and stops dead in his tracks.
Luke is sitting on the couch, head bent into his hands, shoulders shaking slightly.
Noah lets the relief wash over him, forces the fear that he'd find Luke hurt or worse away.
“Luke?”
His voice startles them both, makes Luke raise his head, eyes red from crying and that panic is back.
“What happened?”
Luke shakes his head, tries to say something but the sob that comes out does nothing to make Noah feel anything other than complete fear. He moves towards him, reaches for his face.
“Baby, what's going on? What is it?”
One of the kids was hurt. Lily. Or Emma was sick. Reid had been an accident. Casey was... every horrible thought he could ever have, tumbles through his mind. Luke's fingers clutch at his dripping clothes and when he looks up at Noah, something in his eyes makes him pause.
There was a light there Noah hadn't seen in too long.
“I don't understand.”
From the corner of his eye he catches movement and pulls his gaze away from Luke to focus on it. Everything slows down, his head spins and he grips Luke's shoulders, fingers digging into skin.
He is losing his mind.
Standing between Lily and Emma – who are looking back at him with joy and disbelief – is Holden Snyder.
Breathing and alive and so colorful that Noah thinks he isn't real.
He is losing his mind.
Luke's fingers are on his face and his voice is full of wonder. “It's really him, Noah.”
That can't be possible, he thinks. But then Holden meets his wide stare and smiles gently.
“Hey there, kiddo.”
Noah keeps his feet under him even when his knees threaten to give out, flicks his gaze from Holden to Luke, who gives him a watery grin and back. Letting go of Luke, he crosses the room, takes note that Lily and Emma are holding Holden up and doesn't care to ask why yet. He throws his arms around Holden's shoulders, grips the back of his shirt and tucks his face into Holden's neck.
He feels the rumble of a laugh against him and Holden's amused voice say, “It's good to see you, too, Noah.”
Noah laughs through his tears and holds on tighter.
~~~*~~~
Noah opens his eyes when someone sits next to him, presses their shoulder against his. He rolls his head to look over at Reid, smiles wide. “How is he?”
“For a dead guy, he's remarkably healthy.”
Noah snorts a little, jostles his arm against Reid. “Be nice.”
“Oh, come on, Noah. I mean, Jesus Christ, what the hell is in the water in this town? Tell me it doesn't freak you out that randomly people just pop up from the dead. It's not normal.”
He grins at Reid, settles against the solid warmth and understands a little more why he likes the son of a bitch so much. “You do realize that if it is the water, you're fucked.”
Reid puffs out a laugh and levels him with an amused stare. “I only drink bottled water.”
Noah's smile falls a little and Reid catches it, sighs and answers his original question. “He's a little weak but that's to be expected. Guy has been in a coma for four years. I won't know the extent of whatever cerebral damage he may have received until I talk to the attending doctor in Richmond.”
Noah shakes his head. “This isn't making sense, though. When Holden died, his face was all over the papers. Shouldn't somebody have recognized him?”
It's a question he knows everyone is asking themselves. They shouldn't have missed the fact that Holden wasn't the body in the truck.
“Better question is – how did the lab mix up Holden's DNA with someone else? It's a pretty accurate science. Add to that the dental records and it's just not a mistake they should have made.”
There's a flicker of a thought that filters through Noah's mind, sinister and dark, but he shoves it aside for the moment. They need to focus on the positive. Holden alive and back with them.
Reid's hand touches Noah's forehead and he frowns. “You should have probably gotten out of the wet clothes, Noah.”
For some reason it makes Noah laugh, makes him double over and when he catches the slight redness in Reid's cheeks, he loses it even more. It's stress relief. He's been running on adrenaline and caffeine for the last few hours.
“Don't strain anything, Mayer.”
Noah wipes at his eyes and shakes his head. “It's just – something Luke once said to me.” When Reid raises his eyebrow in question, Noah waves his hand at him, shrugging. “He said once we couldn't even do a break up right.”
“He has a point. I've never known two people who still felt the way you two do, act the way you do.”
Noah doesn't acknowledge what that could mean.
“Did everyone seem calm?”
Reid nods. “Luke and his siblings are thrilled. They don't want to leave Holden's side, no matter how much I keep saying that he needs his rest.”
“Understandable, though.”
Reid rolls his eyes. “I suppose. Lily seems to be fairing alright. I insisted she lay down. She's already had enough problems with her pregnancy.”
Noah winces. “That has to be a conversation she's not looking forward to.” He looks over at Reid and tries to keep back the grin that wants to spread across his face. “Damian know yet?”
Reid doesn't hide his own glee at all. “Indeed he does.”
“How'd he take it?”
“Not well at all.”
Noah pumps a fist into the air and gets a real laugh from Reid. “Serves him right.”
“I think I might sympathize with Damian a little on this.”
Noah makes a face at Reid who tilts his head to meet his gaze. “It's hard to compete with the love of someone's life.”
Oh, this is not a path they want to thread.
Noah simply nods, hmmms in response but Reid isn't finished yet and when he stands Noah looks up to see his face as he says, “It's why I never tried.” He gives him a meaningful look, pats Noah's shoulder and walks back into the house.
Noah thinks he might not like him as much as he thought.
~~~*~~~
Luke can't stop looking at his dad. He sits as close as he can without getting in anyone else's way. He watches carefully that Holden isn't too tired and when he seems to get that way, he kicks everyone but his mother out. He can see all the questions in his dad's eyes when he sees Lily's slightly swollen belly. Luke knows exactly when they've had that talk. Holden's eyes close off when Damian walks in to claim his wife and Luke grits his teeth.
Noah is in the room, quietly whispering with Holden and they both freeze, give Damian the same narrowed glare.
Luke realizes he actually is the cliche of someone who fell in love with a person who reminded them of their father.
Holden seems to recover quickly and is walking around easily after a couple of days. He hugs Noah goodbye when he leaves and watches them when Luke walks Noah out. Their hug is longer than usual and Noah whispers that he's happy for him. Luke wants to do more than say thanks but it's all he does.
The car disappears around the corner while Luke stands in the drive. He feels a hand on his shoulder and turns, still shocked to see his dad. He smiles bright, hugs him when Holden smiles back, and asks to take a walk.
Luke keeps Holden's elbow in his hand as they walk slowly toward the barn. Holden wants to see the horses, says he missed them.
They're looking in at a few of the new foals when Holden looks at him. “What happened with you and Noah, Luke?”
It's not a question he's prepared for so he stumbles with the answer, giving a weak excuse about growing up, drifting apart.
He feels his dad's eyes on him and sighs softly. Holden isn't easily fooled and Luke had forgotten that somehow.
“I'm not sure if I should believe any of that, son. It doesn't look to me like you two are any less in love than you were before I was gone.”
Luke wants to lie. He doesn't want to tell his dad the mess he made of his life. But he realizes eventually Holden would learn the truth.
So he starts to tell his story, tries to find a way to explain what it was like for him with Holden gone. How he lost his way and when he wanted to find his way back, he couldn't do it with Noah. That to save the love they had, he'd asked Noah to give it up. He talked about the last few years, rebuilding and renewing, the friends he'd made. Everything that was significant in any way, Luke tells his father about.
When he is finished, Holden gets up and moves to the nearest stall, smoothes a hand over Skywalker's mane. “I'm sorry about that. I should have been here.”
“Dad, no, it wasn't your fault.” Luke rises, his voice slightly panicked. That wasn't what he wanted. “All the mistakes I made are mine. I don't blame anyone but me for them, okay?”
Holden nods, asking after a long pause.
“Do you still love him?”
Luke nods immediately. “Always.”
“Then, maybe things can be different now.”
His silence is answer enough.
~~~*~~~
~Los Angeles, November 2013~
It never ceases to amaze Noah how things change in the blink of an eye. He stares down at the two freshly dug graves, listens to the quiet murmur of the crowd dispersing and drops the roses in his hand on each mound of dirt. The headstones won't arrive for another day but he has the inscriptions memorized, had written them himself. There's never enough room to say what you want.
Ameera and Abraham Parker died November 12th , 2013, killed by a drunk driver on their way home from a party.
Noah doesn't think it's quite sunk in yet. He keeps waiting for Ameera to call with the newest story about what amazing things Chloe Joy had learned that day. He expects Abe to show up at his door with beer and beg Noah to hide him from his excitable wife and equally energetic baby daughter.
The thought of Chloe makes Noah’s stomach clench violently.
When Chloe Joy had been born, Abe and Ameera had asked Noah to be her godfather of sorts. Neither one of them actually believed in that but they wanted Noah to be a part of their daughter’s life. He would be like her uncle. Noah had been thrilled to take the position. He remembered how much he loved watching Ethan grow up and he really wasn't sure if he would be having a family of his own. He knew that Matt wasn't the kind to be satisfied with a house and kids and a dog.
He can't regret that decision even when it's left him where he is.
He thanks whatever gods exist that Chloe hadn't been in the car with her parents. That was something at least.
Turning away from the graves, he sees Luke standing, under the grouping of trees to his right, with his parents and half the Snyder brood. He moves toward them and when he gets to them, they envelop him into the fold, different arms patting and caressing. But he only feels Luke's hands as they wrap around his waist, Luke's face pressed against his chest and he feels free in that moment to let the tears he’s kept in fall.
~~~*~~~
“I imagine it's a little bit of a shock, Mr. Mayer.”
Noah stares at the letter in his hand. The one Abe and Ameera had written almost a year before when they'd realized they were going to parents for the first time. He runs his fingers over the pretty, neat handwriting.
It’s less shocking than it should have been.
He just doesn't know what he should be feeling.
Pride, love, hate, anger, fear.
He feels them all at once and it’s overwhelming.
The letter is asking him to step up and take their place. To be the parent, that for whatever reason they now can't be. It talks about his ability to love. His loyalty and kindness when it comes to those in his life. It assures him he will be the best guardian their daughter could have. The best father she could ever want.
It tells Noah that his whole world is changing.
That’s the way it always is with him.
Some force of nature or fate is constantly veering the course of his life from where Noah is sure it was supposed to go.
“It seems they loved you very much, Mr. Mayer.”
Noah glances up at the nervous, portly little man that was Ameera and Abe's lawyer. He doesn't smile but nods at that statement.
They had given him the one thing they loved the most in the universe.
They had given him Chloe.
~~~*~~~
Noah continues to pack his clothes neatly into the suitcase, sorting through his mind what he might need and what he could just leave behind. He wasn't sure how much room they would have and he figures Chloe's things are more important than his own.
Storage might be the way to go.
“So that's it? We can't talk about.”
Noah throws Matt a guarded look. He's leaning against the door frame in the room that until a few weeks before they had shared.
“I think you walking out on me when I told you about Chloe speaks for itself, Matt.”
“It was shocking, Noah.”
He realizes that and maybe, it's not fair to Matt but he needs someone who won’t walk out on him the way Matt had.
“I just think that maybe there's a solution you're not looking at.”
Noah turns around and stares at Matt hard. “What solution is that, Matt?” He's angry that he could have been wrong about someone he cared for. They'd shared a life for two years. “Am I supposed to find the parents that threw Abe out when he was barely old enough to survive on his own and ask them to take in the granddaughter they can neither love or accept? Or maybe I should just drop Chloe off at an orphanage, let her get lost in the child care system?”
Matt manages to look guilty and Noah huffs out an incredulous laugh. “Jesus Christ, Matt.”
He watches the display of emotions cross his ex-lover's face, feels a pang because this wasn't supposed to end this way.
“I've been sharing you with Luke this entire time, Noah. And that was okay. I could understand that. Because at least I still had a part of you. But I see how you look at that little girl. I can tell that you love her like she's your own already. That's only going to grow stronger. What does that leave me?” Matt shakes his head, steps away from the door to dig in his pocket and drops his keys on the dresser. “There's not enough room in your heart for the three of us.” He looks directly at Noah. “I know Chloe is part of a package deal now. But – are you willing to let go of Luke to let me have space?”
Noah wishes he could do that but it's a promise he'd break because no matter what Luke would always be first.
“That's what I thought.”
Matt walks toward him, stops when he reaches Noah and leans up to kiss his mouth quickly before turning, disappearing through the door.
It shuts quietly in his wake.
~~~*~~~
Noah makes the decision fairly quickly.
He can't raise Chloe on his own. He doesn't know the first thing about being a father. He's barely capable enough to take care of himself let alone a five month old baby.
So, Noah does the one thing he knows he can do.
He turns to his family.
It takes a few weeks but he puts everything they won't need into storage and books two flights to Oakdale. He figures Lily had called in a favor or two when he receives a call from Kim Hughes, a few days before his return trip, offering him a position as the new manager for WOAK. It seems Kim is semi-retiring and needs someone to take over in her stead.
Noah doesn't think too hard on why she's asking and accepts.
Six weeks after Ameera and Abe's death, Noah knocks on the back door of the farm, Chloe cradled on his hip and smiles tentatively when Luke opens it.
His eyes widen when he sees Noah and it takes a long moment before either one of them says anything.
Noah breaks the silence.
“You planning to let me and my kid in there or what?”
Luke grins and steps aside to let them pass. “Welcome home.”
|Part Four|
Author(s):
freakykatRating: NC-17
Characters/Pairings: Luke Snyder/Noah Mayer
Summary: I don't wanna dream about all the things that never were.
|Prologue|Part One|Part Two|
Part Three
~Los Angeles, February 2013 ~
Noah stares at his reflection in the mirror, eyes the cut of the suit, rolling his shoulders in an effort to make it fall better over his shoulders. He's never going to be a suit guy, he thinks. Maybe it was that he was required to wear one every Sunday from when he was five until he was eighteen. His father insisted. It was never him. Noah prefers to be comfortable and low key.
But he tends to put that aside for special occasions. Especially when he’s a prominent figure in those particular occasions. He pats his pocket, finds the bulge of the ring and breathes.
Abe would kill him if he lost it.
He isn't sure how he finds himself as the best man in his ex-wife's wedding.
All Noah knows is that if he hadn't reconnected with Ameera when he'd moved to California, he wouldn't have survived the last year. He still doesn't even know how it all went down. He'd called her when he'd arrived, asked her to lunch and it was like what it should have been so many years before. She hugged him, forced him to admit why he and Luke had broken up (not the tame version he told the rest of the world but the real, gut-wrenching truth that he forced himself not to think about), and he’d since endured her constant pushing that he rethink it and go after Luke.
It was all his fault that she acted that way.
When she'd left for California, he'd given her Abe's number, thinking that it would be a good idea for her to know someone. Noah and Abe had been close friends through his last couple of years of high school and had kept in touch. He'd been someone Noah was able to share his love of film with. They'd planned to go to Hollywood together one day and blow up: Abe, writing. Noah, directing. Things had never worked out but Abe had made it and he figured his two friends should meet.
He wasn't expecting them to fall in love and when they did, that their lives would become as crazy as they had.
Abe's family had always frowned on his friendship with Noah (he’s pretty sure now that it was because Mrs. Parker had known Noah was gay), had always preferred their children to interact strictly with people from their temple circle. Abe had explained that his family's belief had left them very little room to be flexible. He was supposed to marry within the Orthodox religion. He was supposed to stay close to his family and community. He was supposed to give up who he wanted to be.
That hadn't worked and Abe had left home at eighteen, his family cutting all ties with him and Noah thinks now that it's for the best.
Ameera and Abe's relationship would not have gone over well if he still had family.
He smiles at his reflection and thinks it's probably why they had become so close. They constantly said he was their family, the one they chose and he's grateful to have that in his life.
He misses his own so much.
Reaching for the tie, he pauses when the door opens and his heart skips that beat when Luke sticks his head around the corner. “Hey.”
“Hey yourself.”
He enters the room, dark gray suit fitting the line of his shoulder perfectly, light gray shirt opened two buttons, his own tie slung around his neck loosely. Noah can't even think straight when he stares at him.
Luke grins, hands on his hips. “Are you having second thoughts?”
“I'm not the one getting married.”
“Not this time, no. I think you learned your lesson.”
“Yeah. Don't marry a girl. Doesn't work out for me.”
Luke chuckles, moves forward and grabs the lapels of Noah's jacket. Noah breathes through it and wonders who he should kill (or thank, really) for making Luke so tactile. When Luke reaches for his tie, Noah blinks back the deja vu and raises an eyebrow.
“What are you doing?”
Luke glances up as his fingers work the knot, under and over and through the loop, never faltering one moment. “You were never any good at this, Noah.”
Noah snorts. “I was always good at this. I just used it as an excuse.”
Luke smirks, smoothes a hand down the front of his shirt, tucks the perfect Windsor knot in place. “Oh-ho. So, that's what your game plan was.”
“What can I say, you're hard to resist.”
He flexes his hands at his side, refuses to give in to that constant urge but when Luke smiles up at him, he has to close them into fists to keep from pulling him in.
“You better believe it, baby.” He kisses Noah’s cheek, winks on the way out as he calls over his shoulder, “Abe is freaking out, come on.”
Noah lets his head drop onto his chest and sighs.
Sometimes he hated Luke Snyder almost as much as he loved him.
~~~*~~~
The wedding reception is in full swing and Noah relaxes for the first time all day. It's been non-stop go from the moment Ameera had called him up to tell him that Abe had proposed and that he was going to be their joint best man/maid of honor (he still doesn't know how he feels about that). They'd decided on a quick wedding, and neither one adhering to their religious upbringings much, they'd gone for a civil ceremony.
Noah had wondered why they were in a rush but they'd been adamant that they simply wanted to be together.
It wasn't until Ameera started throwing up two weeks before the wedding that they'd told him the other reason.
He was happy for them.
Luke practically had kittens when Ameera called him to share the news.
Somehow after Noah's confession to Ameera, she had reached out to Luke and they'd become the fast friends they never could have been before. When Noah couldn't make it home for the holidays (he and Matt had gone to his family that year), Abe and Ameera had taken his place.
He looks around the room, half full of Snyders and smiles. There's nothing like being surrounded by everyone he loves in the world. His gaze falls to Luke, head thrown back at whatever Abe had just said to him and lets himself look. It's been a long time since he allowed it. Luke's hair is longer than it’s been for a while, strands hanging down over his forehead, light blonde. Noah remembers how soft it is.
Two arms twine over his neck and he doesn't have to turn to know who it is.
“You should tell him.”
He can see her reflection in the mirrored wall across the room. She’s beautiful, more breathtaking than he'd ever seen her.
Noah shakes his head, sighs as he glances behind at her. “Ameera.” He sometimes misses the shy girl he knew once. This woman she is – in love and about to have a family – is wonderful and confident.
And pushy like no one would believe if he told them.
“He's alone.”
Noah takes a sip of his water. “Because Reid had surgery today,”
“You're alone.”
He flicks his gaze at her. “Because Matt is on location.”
Ameera stares at him hard. “You two are really going to make this difficult, aren't you?”
“We aren't.”
She shakes her head, grips his arms tight as she nods towards Luke. “Tell me you don't love him.”
He loves her like sister and for the most part, Ameera's steadfast belief that he and Luke belonged together was a balm for Noah, even when he knew it was impossible. But sometimes...it felt like an open wound being poked at.
He sets his glass of water on the table, takes her hand from his arm and blocks her view of Luke.
“Do you know what it's like to watch the one person you love the most in the world fall apart at the seams?” His mind wanders through the memories, the nightmares that plagued him. “Any idea, Ameera, what it does to you to know, to realize, that you're the reason they can't be fixed? That you can't help them.” He swallows down the anger at himself, at Luke, at all the ways they would never be. “It killed me to walk away from him. But if I hadn't, he would never have been able to get to where he is.”
He can hear Luke's laugh and it's like the sign he needs to know it was worth it.
“He's happy, Ameera. Everything else isn't important.”
He stops talking when he sees her heartbroken expression and when she starts to apologize he hugs her quickly.
“I'm sorry, Noah. I didn't know.”
He didn't either.
~~~*~~~
Luke keeps his gaze on Noah as he walks across the room toward his grandmother, smiles when Noah kisses her cheek softly and whispers something in Lucinda’s ear to make her laugh. It sends that familiar thrill through his blood, makes him wish things that can't happen. He's learned to ignore the innate reaction to wanting Noah. It's the way it is.
His eyes follow the tray of champagne as it floats by, sharp kick of thirst in his stomach and he glances away. He forgets how much harder these days can be when it's all around him.
Noah's laugh is loud, brings Luke's attention back to him.
Sometimes he's not sure which need is worse.
He watches Noah guide Lucinda to the floor and grins when they stumble together to the quiet song over the speakers. He can't imagine it's easy to lead with Lucinda Walsh as your partner. They sway around for a few minutes, talking animatedly about Luke could not guess what.
Something he doesn't recognize drives him forward. He downs the soda in his glass, drops it on a passing tray and makes his way across the room to greet them.
Luke has no idea what's changing but there's a new awareness he hadn't had for years now. Reid thinks it's the book.
He’s right.
When he reaches the dancing pair's side, he clears his throat and two set of curious eyes turn to him.
“Do you mind if I cut in?”
Noah gives him a soft smile and starts to step away, offering Luke his grandmother's hand as he does, freezing when Luke takes his instead.
“You don't mind do you, Grandmother?”
She smiles at them, sweeping one hand over Luke's shoulders as she walks back to her table. “Of course not, darling.”
Noah hesitates only a second before accepting Luke's other hand, and they pick up the beat on the next turn. They were always good at this part, their bodies syncing together like they were meant to do that. Luke leans his head on Noah's shoulder, fingers rubbing gently on his upper arm. He can pretend better this way.
They stay that way from one song to the next, never changing the pace or their distance.
Luke takes a deep breath as he says, “Did I tell you I sold the book?”
Noah pushes back an inch, eyebrows at his hairline. “You didn't?”
Luke grins and then laughs when Noah picks him off his feet in a hug.
“Why didn't you tell me?”
This is what he misses most, sharing his life with Noah, the details that make it important.
“I wasn't sure until earlier today.”
He'd wanted to tell Noah first. The idea for the book had spawned from their late night conversations and Noah had encouraged Luke to tell his story, their story in any way he could.
They're standing in the middle of the dance floor, no longer moving, and Luke realizes in just that moment that nothing has changed how he feels. It's a frightening thought and when he sees the pride shining in Noah's eyes it takes him back to the beginning of where they found themselves. He can't handle that yet.
He buries his face in Noah chest and lets the warmth of Noah's hand on his back seep through his clothes, over his skin and inside.
“I knew you could do it.”
Luke nods, the softness of the shirt caressing his skin and he just holds on. “You always believe in me.”
Noah's other hand delves into Luke's hair, curves at the back of his neck and Noah's lips touch his temple softly.
“And I always will.”
Some things change.
Some things never will.
~~~*~~~
~Oakdale, August 2013~
Noah opens his phone again, re-dials Luke's number, cursing when it goes straight to voice mail. He contemplates trying Lily's but it's been doing the same thing.
“The storm's been cutting out service.”
He glances up at the cab driver. That would make sense. Noah realizes driving into a possible tornado isn't the smartest idea but he doesn't know what else to do. He doesn't say anything, just grunts and forces his hands to unclench. The grip of uncertainty in his heart and stomach are harder to control.
It never fails to shock him how his life can change from one minute to the next.
Noah thinks it's ridiculous that eight hours ago he'd been lying in his empty bed, script and breakdowns spread over his covers. He'd been excited, happy that Gabe had approved his idea for a documentary. An old script dealing with his father and how he'd shaped Noah's life. He'd abandoned it when his father had tried to take him away from Oakdale in his last ditch effort to save Noah. There had been plenty of footage at the time but Noah had burned it all in a show of release.
He wished he hadn't.
His first thought was to call Luke, tell him all about it but one glance over at the empty side of his bed and he squelched it. Matt deserved that Noah try to put him first.
When the phone rang, he'd jumped and glanced at the clock. He was expecting Matt's call so he picked up without thinking to check who it was.
“Hello.”
He could hear breathing, fast and unsteady.
“Matt?”
Faith's voice greeted him. “Noah?”
His heart had stopped. It was three in the morning. Luke.
“Is it...what's going on, Faith.”
The call kept fading out and Noah's hand tightened on his phone as he tried to make out what Faith was saying.
“You need to come....he's here....Noah, we don't know....and Luke....needs you...”
That was the last he'd heard but that had been enough. Noah was out of his bed, shoving his legs into his jeans, calling to get a flight to Oakdale, racing to shove whatever clothes he could find in a bag and running out the door. He'd caught his flight, trying anyone back home and getting nothing.
His anxiety had increased when the pilot mentioned the horrible storm hitting their destination and the possibility they would have to turn around. Noah prayed that wasn't the case. He had no idea what the hell was going on. Someone had been listening because when he'd landed in Oakdale, the storm had hit hard enough that they closed down the airport but he'd made it there first.
The cab driver assures him that they're safe at the moment and Noah doesn't hear anything else. When they turn into the farm's driveway, he shoves a fifty at him, grabs his bag, and starts at a run for the house. The rain is coming down in pelts and he doesn't head around to the kitchen. The parlor entrance is closer so he makes towards it. Reaching the door, he bends to grab the extra key under the mat, thinks that maybe they need to find a new spot for it. He rams the key into the lock, turns and the door creaks open. He falls into the hall entrance, dripping wet all over the floor. Dropping his bag, he enters into the living room and stops dead in his tracks.
Luke is sitting on the couch, head bent into his hands, shoulders shaking slightly.
Noah lets the relief wash over him, forces the fear that he'd find Luke hurt or worse away.
“Luke?”
His voice startles them both, makes Luke raise his head, eyes red from crying and that panic is back.
“What happened?”
Luke shakes his head, tries to say something but the sob that comes out does nothing to make Noah feel anything other than complete fear. He moves towards him, reaches for his face.
“Baby, what's going on? What is it?”
One of the kids was hurt. Lily. Or Emma was sick. Reid had been an accident. Casey was... every horrible thought he could ever have, tumbles through his mind. Luke's fingers clutch at his dripping clothes and when he looks up at Noah, something in his eyes makes him pause.
There was a light there Noah hadn't seen in too long.
“I don't understand.”
From the corner of his eye he catches movement and pulls his gaze away from Luke to focus on it. Everything slows down, his head spins and he grips Luke's shoulders, fingers digging into skin.
He is losing his mind.
Standing between Lily and Emma – who are looking back at him with joy and disbelief – is Holden Snyder.
Breathing and alive and so colorful that Noah thinks he isn't real.
He is losing his mind.
Luke's fingers are on his face and his voice is full of wonder. “It's really him, Noah.”
That can't be possible, he thinks. But then Holden meets his wide stare and smiles gently.
“Hey there, kiddo.”
Noah keeps his feet under him even when his knees threaten to give out, flicks his gaze from Holden to Luke, who gives him a watery grin and back. Letting go of Luke, he crosses the room, takes note that Lily and Emma are holding Holden up and doesn't care to ask why yet. He throws his arms around Holden's shoulders, grips the back of his shirt and tucks his face into Holden's neck.
He feels the rumble of a laugh against him and Holden's amused voice say, “It's good to see you, too, Noah.”
Noah laughs through his tears and holds on tighter.
~~~*~~~
Noah opens his eyes when someone sits next to him, presses their shoulder against his. He rolls his head to look over at Reid, smiles wide. “How is he?”
“For a dead guy, he's remarkably healthy.”
Noah snorts a little, jostles his arm against Reid. “Be nice.”
“Oh, come on, Noah. I mean, Jesus Christ, what the hell is in the water in this town? Tell me it doesn't freak you out that randomly people just pop up from the dead. It's not normal.”
He grins at Reid, settles against the solid warmth and understands a little more why he likes the son of a bitch so much. “You do realize that if it is the water, you're fucked.”
Reid puffs out a laugh and levels him with an amused stare. “I only drink bottled water.”
Noah's smile falls a little and Reid catches it, sighs and answers his original question. “He's a little weak but that's to be expected. Guy has been in a coma for four years. I won't know the extent of whatever cerebral damage he may have received until I talk to the attending doctor in Richmond.”
Noah shakes his head. “This isn't making sense, though. When Holden died, his face was all over the papers. Shouldn't somebody have recognized him?”
It's a question he knows everyone is asking themselves. They shouldn't have missed the fact that Holden wasn't the body in the truck.
“Better question is – how did the lab mix up Holden's DNA with someone else? It's a pretty accurate science. Add to that the dental records and it's just not a mistake they should have made.”
There's a flicker of a thought that filters through Noah's mind, sinister and dark, but he shoves it aside for the moment. They need to focus on the positive. Holden alive and back with them.
Reid's hand touches Noah's forehead and he frowns. “You should have probably gotten out of the wet clothes, Noah.”
For some reason it makes Noah laugh, makes him double over and when he catches the slight redness in Reid's cheeks, he loses it even more. It's stress relief. He's been running on adrenaline and caffeine for the last few hours.
“Don't strain anything, Mayer.”
Noah wipes at his eyes and shakes his head. “It's just – something Luke once said to me.” When Reid raises his eyebrow in question, Noah waves his hand at him, shrugging. “He said once we couldn't even do a break up right.”
“He has a point. I've never known two people who still felt the way you two do, act the way you do.”
Noah doesn't acknowledge what that could mean.
“Did everyone seem calm?”
Reid nods. “Luke and his siblings are thrilled. They don't want to leave Holden's side, no matter how much I keep saying that he needs his rest.”
“Understandable, though.”
Reid rolls his eyes. “I suppose. Lily seems to be fairing alright. I insisted she lay down. She's already had enough problems with her pregnancy.”
Noah winces. “That has to be a conversation she's not looking forward to.” He looks over at Reid and tries to keep back the grin that wants to spread across his face. “Damian know yet?”
Reid doesn't hide his own glee at all. “Indeed he does.”
“How'd he take it?”
“Not well at all.”
Noah pumps a fist into the air and gets a real laugh from Reid. “Serves him right.”
“I think I might sympathize with Damian a little on this.”
Noah makes a face at Reid who tilts his head to meet his gaze. “It's hard to compete with the love of someone's life.”
Oh, this is not a path they want to thread.
Noah simply nods, hmmms in response but Reid isn't finished yet and when he stands Noah looks up to see his face as he says, “It's why I never tried.” He gives him a meaningful look, pats Noah's shoulder and walks back into the house.
Noah thinks he might not like him as much as he thought.
~~~*~~~
Luke can't stop looking at his dad. He sits as close as he can without getting in anyone else's way. He watches carefully that Holden isn't too tired and when he seems to get that way, he kicks everyone but his mother out. He can see all the questions in his dad's eyes when he sees Lily's slightly swollen belly. Luke knows exactly when they've had that talk. Holden's eyes close off when Damian walks in to claim his wife and Luke grits his teeth.
Noah is in the room, quietly whispering with Holden and they both freeze, give Damian the same narrowed glare.
Luke realizes he actually is the cliche of someone who fell in love with a person who reminded them of their father.
Holden seems to recover quickly and is walking around easily after a couple of days. He hugs Noah goodbye when he leaves and watches them when Luke walks Noah out. Their hug is longer than usual and Noah whispers that he's happy for him. Luke wants to do more than say thanks but it's all he does.
The car disappears around the corner while Luke stands in the drive. He feels a hand on his shoulder and turns, still shocked to see his dad. He smiles bright, hugs him when Holden smiles back, and asks to take a walk.
Luke keeps Holden's elbow in his hand as they walk slowly toward the barn. Holden wants to see the horses, says he missed them.
They're looking in at a few of the new foals when Holden looks at him. “What happened with you and Noah, Luke?”
It's not a question he's prepared for so he stumbles with the answer, giving a weak excuse about growing up, drifting apart.
He feels his dad's eyes on him and sighs softly. Holden isn't easily fooled and Luke had forgotten that somehow.
“I'm not sure if I should believe any of that, son. It doesn't look to me like you two are any less in love than you were before I was gone.”
Luke wants to lie. He doesn't want to tell his dad the mess he made of his life. But he realizes eventually Holden would learn the truth.
So he starts to tell his story, tries to find a way to explain what it was like for him with Holden gone. How he lost his way and when he wanted to find his way back, he couldn't do it with Noah. That to save the love they had, he'd asked Noah to give it up. He talked about the last few years, rebuilding and renewing, the friends he'd made. Everything that was significant in any way, Luke tells his father about.
When he is finished, Holden gets up and moves to the nearest stall, smoothes a hand over Skywalker's mane. “I'm sorry about that. I should have been here.”
“Dad, no, it wasn't your fault.” Luke rises, his voice slightly panicked. That wasn't what he wanted. “All the mistakes I made are mine. I don't blame anyone but me for them, okay?”
Holden nods, asking after a long pause.
“Do you still love him?”
Luke nods immediately. “Always.”
“Then, maybe things can be different now.”
His silence is answer enough.
~~~*~~~
~Los Angeles, November 2013~
It never ceases to amaze Noah how things change in the blink of an eye. He stares down at the two freshly dug graves, listens to the quiet murmur of the crowd dispersing and drops the roses in his hand on each mound of dirt. The headstones won't arrive for another day but he has the inscriptions memorized, had written them himself. There's never enough room to say what you want.
Ameera and Abraham Parker died November 12th , 2013, killed by a drunk driver on their way home from a party.
Noah doesn't think it's quite sunk in yet. He keeps waiting for Ameera to call with the newest story about what amazing things Chloe Joy had learned that day. He expects Abe to show up at his door with beer and beg Noah to hide him from his excitable wife and equally energetic baby daughter.
The thought of Chloe makes Noah’s stomach clench violently.
When Chloe Joy had been born, Abe and Ameera had asked Noah to be her godfather of sorts. Neither one of them actually believed in that but they wanted Noah to be a part of their daughter’s life. He would be like her uncle. Noah had been thrilled to take the position. He remembered how much he loved watching Ethan grow up and he really wasn't sure if he would be having a family of his own. He knew that Matt wasn't the kind to be satisfied with a house and kids and a dog.
He can't regret that decision even when it's left him where he is.
He thanks whatever gods exist that Chloe hadn't been in the car with her parents. That was something at least.
Turning away from the graves, he sees Luke standing, under the grouping of trees to his right, with his parents and half the Snyder brood. He moves toward them and when he gets to them, they envelop him into the fold, different arms patting and caressing. But he only feels Luke's hands as they wrap around his waist, Luke's face pressed against his chest and he feels free in that moment to let the tears he’s kept in fall.
~~~*~~~
“I imagine it's a little bit of a shock, Mr. Mayer.”
Noah stares at the letter in his hand. The one Abe and Ameera had written almost a year before when they'd realized they were going to parents for the first time. He runs his fingers over the pretty, neat handwriting.
It’s less shocking than it should have been.
He just doesn't know what he should be feeling.
Pride, love, hate, anger, fear.
He feels them all at once and it’s overwhelming.
The letter is asking him to step up and take their place. To be the parent, that for whatever reason they now can't be. It talks about his ability to love. His loyalty and kindness when it comes to those in his life. It assures him he will be the best guardian their daughter could have. The best father she could ever want.
It tells Noah that his whole world is changing.
That’s the way it always is with him.
Some force of nature or fate is constantly veering the course of his life from where Noah is sure it was supposed to go.
“It seems they loved you very much, Mr. Mayer.”
Noah glances up at the nervous, portly little man that was Ameera and Abe's lawyer. He doesn't smile but nods at that statement.
They had given him the one thing they loved the most in the universe.
They had given him Chloe.
~~~*~~~
Noah continues to pack his clothes neatly into the suitcase, sorting through his mind what he might need and what he could just leave behind. He wasn't sure how much room they would have and he figures Chloe's things are more important than his own.
Storage might be the way to go.
“So that's it? We can't talk about.”
Noah throws Matt a guarded look. He's leaning against the door frame in the room that until a few weeks before they had shared.
“I think you walking out on me when I told you about Chloe speaks for itself, Matt.”
“It was shocking, Noah.”
He realizes that and maybe, it's not fair to Matt but he needs someone who won’t walk out on him the way Matt had.
“I just think that maybe there's a solution you're not looking at.”
Noah turns around and stares at Matt hard. “What solution is that, Matt?” He's angry that he could have been wrong about someone he cared for. They'd shared a life for two years. “Am I supposed to find the parents that threw Abe out when he was barely old enough to survive on his own and ask them to take in the granddaughter they can neither love or accept? Or maybe I should just drop Chloe off at an orphanage, let her get lost in the child care system?”
Matt manages to look guilty and Noah huffs out an incredulous laugh. “Jesus Christ, Matt.”
He watches the display of emotions cross his ex-lover's face, feels a pang because this wasn't supposed to end this way.
“I've been sharing you with Luke this entire time, Noah. And that was okay. I could understand that. Because at least I still had a part of you. But I see how you look at that little girl. I can tell that you love her like she's your own already. That's only going to grow stronger. What does that leave me?” Matt shakes his head, steps away from the door to dig in his pocket and drops his keys on the dresser. “There's not enough room in your heart for the three of us.” He looks directly at Noah. “I know Chloe is part of a package deal now. But – are you willing to let go of Luke to let me have space?”
Noah wishes he could do that but it's a promise he'd break because no matter what Luke would always be first.
“That's what I thought.”
Matt walks toward him, stops when he reaches Noah and leans up to kiss his mouth quickly before turning, disappearing through the door.
It shuts quietly in his wake.
~~~*~~~
Noah makes the decision fairly quickly.
He can't raise Chloe on his own. He doesn't know the first thing about being a father. He's barely capable enough to take care of himself let alone a five month old baby.
So, Noah does the one thing he knows he can do.
He turns to his family.
It takes a few weeks but he puts everything they won't need into storage and books two flights to Oakdale. He figures Lily had called in a favor or two when he receives a call from Kim Hughes, a few days before his return trip, offering him a position as the new manager for WOAK. It seems Kim is semi-retiring and needs someone to take over in her stead.
Noah doesn't think too hard on why she's asking and accepts.
Six weeks after Ameera and Abe's death, Noah knocks on the back door of the farm, Chloe cradled on his hip and smiles tentatively when Luke opens it.
His eyes widen when he sees Noah and it takes a long moment before either one of them says anything.
Noah breaks the silence.
“You planning to let me and my kid in there or what?”
Luke grins and steps aside to let them pass. “Welcome home.”
|Part Four|
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2010-08-09 04:01 am (UTC)Luke practically had kittens when Ameera called him to share the news.
Because, are you kidding me??? Best line. Possibly ever. :D!!!!!!!
no subject
Date: 2010-08-15 08:10 am (UTC)I'm so happy you liked that part!!!! And you KNOW he totally would have. COME ON.
no subject
Date: 2010-08-11 05:49 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-08-15 08:12 am (UTC)And hey! Not cool, lady!!!! :P
no subject
Date: 2010-08-12 08:38 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-08-15 08:12 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-08-15 02:59 pm (UTC)The tears count ratchets ever upwards! I've figured out why I'm all weepy (apart from the fact that I'm a sap) when I read this. It's because the epilogue and Part 1 had so successfully and completely established the hearbreaking premise upon which everything that happens now is built. It's like I'm always on the verge of having my heart squeezed or pushed up to my throat. Then you'd write something, a plot twist or just a turn of phrase, that would cause said jerking of heart.
Before getting into this part, I'd forgotten to mention when I read Part 2, that I hoped you would give us a little more of the Damian/Lily story, especially when it's obvious how practically everyone dislikes and distrusts him. And now you've sort of transplanted canon events (re Holden) into your AU, except three years later, and I'm sure we'll get that Damian/Lily story now! And I'm guessing that Damian has something to do with the DNA shenanigans, even if only indirectly!
Oh, Ameera! When I read that she was pregnant when she married Abe, I half expected that her child would end up as Noah's daughter that was mentioned in the summary. Not that being prepared stopped me from crying when reading about the accident; because Ameera endeared herself to me so much in that small, but lovely scene when she talked to Noah about Luke. It makes sense that Ameera would be a Nuke cheerleader all these years later, because she had been there and witnessed first hand what they were like together.
He swallows down the anger at himself, at Luke, at all the ways they would never be. “It killed me to walk away from him. But if I hadn't, he would never have been able to get to where he is.”
What Noah said here got me thinking about whether he's completely right about this. Or if you, with authorial authority (ack! at the choice of words, but I hope you get my meaning) intended Noah to speak the internal truth of your story. Maybe it's not even really important to the larger picture of this work, but it IS interesting to me; could Luke have healed and their relationship survived if Noah hadn't walked away? I guess it's all chaos theory and flapping of butterfly wings.
The part that got to me the most was Luke telling Noah about his book. It's kind of a smallish plot development in this chapter in which some MAJOR shit goes down, but it was so affecting and intimate. For me personally, the large dramatic moments make my pulse race, but it's the small moments that stop my heart completely. This particular moment, with them dancing and sharing good news so quietly, just knocked the breath out of me.
Major plot twists! Holden's alive! Oh, it's delicious! All that dramatic potential with Damian and Lily! And it was a reason for Noah to have that most interesting conversation with Reid. Was Reid doing a little bit of territorial-marking at the end there? I think it'd be entirely in character for him to do that :).
Best thing about Holden being alive? (Well, apart from the fact that being alive means being NOT DEAD, which is usually the best thing about being alive.) Dramatic parallels with Luke's situation; descent into hell and losing himself when he thought his father was dead, possible ascent to paradise and finding himself again now that Holden is alive? I hope this is where you're going, because the symbolic parallel is so beautiful.
Noah became a father in such awful circumstances, and then he had to suffer through a break-up with Matt on top of it. I love how you used that break-up to reinforce that Luke will always come first for Noah. It's not particularly kind to Matt, but it's the truth and I'm glad that Matt walked away because it was probably the best thing he could do for himself. This did make me think (yeah, tendency to not just enjoy anything at face value) about how difficult it must be to be Matt and Reid in this Luke/Noah situation. I sort of admire them for sticking with it for as long as they have, but I don't think I could ever do it myself.
Despite the sadness of Noah's situation, you ended this chapter optimistically, with Noah going home! And I'm all hope and sunshine about the next part.
no subject
Date: 2010-09-02 03:25 am (UTC)Where to start... well, when it comes to Damian and Lily I didn't want to focus TOO much on that. Just enough to show how what they were going through would affect Luke and Noah but no more than was necessary. (Personally, it's because the show focused TOO much on it, lol) I hope that what I did give though, was enough.
Not that being prepared stopped me from crying when reading about the accident; because Ameera endeared herself to me so much in that small, but lovely scene when she talked to Noah about Luke. It makes sense that Ameera would be a Nuke cheerleader all these years later, because she had been there and witnessed first hand what they were like together.
Another character the show did a disservice to if you ask me. Ameera had so much potential, ESP. if they had gone the route the interim writers started and had made her Noah's sister. OHMYGOD. That would have been just... \O/! I wanted her to have a significant part -- not just by giving Noah, Chloe -- but by allowing Noah to tell the reader where he stood at that point.
Which brings me to your question about whether or not Noah was talking out of his ass or really making a specific point. I left it up to reader, really, but in my head, he was talking for me. When Luke broke it was ugly and deep. Being around someone like Noah, who made him feel everthing so strongly would have made it near impossible to focus inward. At least that was what my muse told me, lol. And can I say I love that you think about thes things.
I agree about the little moments being so much bigger sometimes than the major ones. They develop so much more at times.
Holden alive! I just -- I remember starting this story and CLEARLY in my head seeing that scene with Noah and Holden and Luke. And wow -- now that you mention it MAYBE it REALLY was a parallel of where Luke found himself. I love your mind so much, Rikki!
Oh, that was my favorite Reid and Noah moment in this story. I love that conversation because it shows so much of who they are as people and to each other.
Chloe is the catalyst to Noah's life that he's needed. Basically, up to now, he's been swimming along in a straight line on a calm ocean, not letting himself feel too much or too little. Her arrival in his life as his daughter causes him to change his course in life which changes EVERYTHING.
I admire Matt and Reid as well. They love these guys but both know somewhere in the back of their mind they have an expiration date of sorts. They just react to it differently.
*flails* I can't wait to get to the next part, LOL.
no subject
Date: 2010-08-18 12:28 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-11-10 04:02 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-11-10 02:27 pm (UTC)YAY!
no subject
Date: 2011-01-08 06:33 am (UTC)Reid is so wise here!
Ameera and Abe. :(
Glad Matt did the thing he did. I thought that was smart of him.
no subject
Date: 2011-02-26 07:33 am (UTC)