FIC: Say It Right: Part Five (Gale/Randy, RPS)

[freakykat]

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Disclaimer: I neither know nor own Gale or Randy. Nor any of the other peoples. This is NOT real. It is fiction based on an overactive imagination and lots of QAF viewing. None of the events in this story have happened. Thank you for your time!

Title: Say It Right (5/12)
Author: freakykat
Pairing: Gale/Randy...in the end
Rating: R
Series/Sequel: Part 5
Summary: Sometimes saying the right words is the hardest thing to do.
Warnings: m/m sex, if you don't like that kind of thing, away with you. If you do, enjoy! Tons of language, slight angst, illness, but much humor in this part.
Author's Notes: Deepest thanks to plumduff for beta'ing and her encouragement! Thank you dearest! The story seems to be moving now so I hope I can keep up. Feedback loved, nurtured and petted!

Parts: |1|2|3|4|


Say It Right (5/12)
These are the times
I wanna crawl in a hole

And these are the rhymes
that try to soothe my soul

But your grace is the drug
that makes the pain worthwhile

And your face shows the love
that reminds me how to smile

These are the days
that just won’t let me win ~ AHS


Gale wanted to punch…someone…something.

Hard.

Whether it was the doctor that kept feeding him the poison that had him, at that very moment, curled up into a ball on his side, or the nurse that always gave him a sweet smile while she adjusted the needle inserted into his arm. He just knew he wanted someone else to experience the kind of pain he did every time he had to allow strangers to stick endless amounts of garbage into his body.

It was beginning to frighten him. The intensity of his hate toward the people that surrounded him. He knew that deep down, it was a lie. That he didn’t want anyone to go through what he was.

On his good days, the guilt of those thoughts would stop him in his tracks and he’d call Peter or Neil or he’d let Randy stay during the procedure, just so that he could hear familiar voices and know that his unwarranted evil thoughts hadn’t caused any real damage.

But on his bad days, which came often with the newest round of treatment, he wanted nothing to do with them. Couldn’t look at Peter or hear his laugh or listen to his chatter about life. He’d turn away from Neil’s face as he looked at Peter. He resented them their health. Their happiness…the beginnings they seemed to have while his ending hovered on the horizon.

And he hated Randy. As deeply and absolutely as he loved him. He hated that no matter what he said to him, he’d never leave. Sometimes Gale realized it was almost like one of those horrible scripts they’d had to go through during Brian’s cancer. It would have made him laugh if he weren’t working so hard at making the words sound sincere. He’d scream at him to go home to Simon. That Randy had a life he was letting drift away while he watched Gale die.

Those were the times Randy would flinch. He hated Gale using the word die.

When that didn’t work, Gale would revert to pretending Randy wasn’t there. Refusing to engage in conversation. He’d stare out the window, or at the images flickering across the television screen while he tried to filter out the noises that Randy made around him.

In the end, he’d almost beg him to leave. To save himself from watching the disease eat him alive. He’d ask what Simon thought of it. He’d tell him he loved him too much to let him do this.

And each time Randy had the same reply.

“If you love me, then you will let me do this..”

How the fuck was he supposed to argue with that? He couldn’t…though that didn’t stop him from trying.

It was on a particularly bad day, when the pain was unbearable and he’d wanted to peel his skin off to stop it from throbbing that he hit Randy’s threshold. He seemed to be having a bad day as well and his patience, which Gale had learned had unfathomable depths, just snapped. Gale knew the moment it had. The blue eyes had flashed something hard at him.

“I can’t take this.” He’d pushed Randy’s hands away, the ones holding his medication. “I don’t want to do this anymore.”

Randy had raised an eyebrow. “It’ll get better, Gale.”

Gale had snorted, turning on his side and he’d heard Randy’s deep intake of breath. He could almost hear him counting to ten.

“Gale. It’s supposed to get worse before it gets better.”

“What the fuck -- is that supposed to make me feel comforted, Randy? I fucking hate when you sound like those goddamn doctors!”

“Those goddamn doctors are trying to save your life.”

Randy’s voice was steady, firm and in control.

And it pissed him off.

“The treatments aren’t supposed to be fun. They’re to fight this fucking thing. Those are your choices, Gale. Fight or be dead.”

He’d turned his head and stared straight into clear blue eyes. The weeks of exhaustion and sickness catching up with him. The constant pain inside and outside his body. The wanting of something he couldn’t have. It all coiled around his heart and Gale spoke what he felt. The truth in that moment for him.

“I’d rather be dead. “

Randy recoiled as if slapped or rather punched from the way he held a hand to his gut. He stared at Gale for a long moment. Then, quietly, he’d placed the meds on the tableside with the bottle of water and walked out of the room. A few minutes later, Gale heard the front door open and then close with a restrained force.

Gale had turned and curled up, ignoring that voice that told him he’d just royally fucked up.

Less than an hour later, the door to his rented house opened and was closed with a loud slam. “Gale!”

Fuck. Neil.

He didn’t bother to respond. It wasn’t like he could move fast enough to hide. So he’d just stayed curled up on his side. Waiting.

His eyes were closed but he’d felt Neil’s shadow fall over his face, blocking the light. “Fuck off, Harris.”

“Oh, I don’t think so.”

Gale opened one eye, catching the anger light up blue eyes, the flaring of nostrils and turn of lips. “I don’t want to --”

“No. I don’t care.” Neil stood, arms crossed, hands balled into fists and Gale knew that if he hadn’t been sick, he’d be getting his ass kicked at the moment.

Of course, he’d never act like the total shit he had if he wasn’t sick. Double-edged sword.

“I didn’t mean it.”

“The fuck you didn’t.” Neil sneered. “That’s the problem. You did. That was what made him walk out and over to Peter’s. Remember Peter? The guy that rented out a place up here to support his sick friend?”

Gale sighed. “I know, Neil.”

“Do you? Really?” Neil sat on the edge of the bed, staring at the wall. “Cause I can’t imagine that if you knew…really knew, that you’d say something like what you did.” He glanced at Gale. “It was beyond shitty, Gale.”

Fuck. It was.

“Yeah.”

Neil sighed. “I can’t begin to imagine what kind of hell you live in, Gale. What kind of pain and fear you go through on an hourly basis. How fucking tired you must be every minute of every damn day. I can‘t understand that.” He reached for Gale’s hand, clutching on tightly. “But you can’t possibly understand what it’s been like to watch you suffer. What it’s like to see you struggle and hurt. It’s a fucking nightmare for me and for Peter but -- jesus, Gale. Randy is here every day. Every. Day.”

“I don’t want him to --”

“To what? Care? Too late, man. He does.” Neil rubbed circles over the skin on Gale’s hand. “Look, you know I didn’t think the best of Randy at first. I thought he’d just walked out. Left without so much as a word. But I was wrong. He came back. He put his life on hold to help you.” He smiled a little. “And I know you’d do the same for him. That’s love, Gale. He loves you. Maybe not the exact way you want. Maybe not enough that it’ll work out. But enough to help you fight.” Neil shook his hand until Gale looked up at him. “Don’t let it be in vain, man. He deserves that you give this your all.”

Gale had looked away, knowing this was the truth. He’d managed a quick nod before clearing his throat. “Is he still over at Peter’s?”

Neil shook his head, letting his hand go. “No. He said he needed a few days. Had some errands to run. I think he went back…”

“Home. To Simon.” Gale nodded. “Good. His life is falling away from him. That’s not fair.”

“No, it’s not. But he knows what he’s doing, Gale.”

“Sometimes I wonder if he does.”

Neil nodded sagely. “He does.” He tilted his head. “When you survive this, what are you going to do?” Neil frowned. “He’s not ready…I mean. He has a plan. A life. I don’t think --”

“He won’t. He shouldn’t.”

Neil nodded. “What will you do when he’s gone?”

Gale shrugged. “What I do best. Cope.”

“That’s fucking sad.”

Gale blinked at him. “No shit. I’ll be the one living it.”

Neil laughed a little. “No, what I mean is that the least you can do when you survive this fucking disease, is find a way to be happy.”

“Happy is pushing it, Neil.”

Neil rolled his eyes. “Okay, fine. Then at least content.”

Gale stared at him. “Content.” He thought of what that would entail. Of the truths he would have to tell. The walls he’d built around him would have to fall. His entire life had been one lie after another. Constant moving, change, always new ideas…new situations. He’d never settled because if he did…it would catch up to him. But now…

He glanced over at Neil and smiled slightly. “Content seems like a good plan.”

But for the moment, his goal was to find a way to make it up to Randy. The only way he knew how was to find a way to deal with the pain and look somewhere inside himself for the strength to continue to fight.

The following days were hell. Not just because the rounds of chemo were wrecking havoc on his system but because he felt Randy’s absence everywhere. Inside and out. Peter and Neil came to stay until Randy returned and they tried. They would talk with him. Hold his hand when he gagged on his newest med. Hold his head when his dinner made an encore appearance.

The problem, and he knew this, was that Neil and Peter walked around him like he was a sick person. He was, of course, but with Randy, he’d never felt like one. Randy didn’t coddle him. He didn’t allow him to fall into self-pity. He refused to let him wallow in it. Gale had no idea how Randy managed it, but whenever he was around, all he could do was feel…life.

It took his leaving for Gale to see that.

Four days and Randy hadn’t yet returned. Gale was convinced he never would.

Fortunately, Gale thought, it was his worst day so far and the constant burning pain through every body part was keeping him distracted enough that he couldn‘t dwell on his loss. It had started out to be his best day. His skin hadn’t felt like it was covered with ants and he could breathe easily without hurting anywhere. He’d managed to convince Peter and Neil to get the hell out of the house for the day and enjoy themselves. It was only after he had managed three jumping jacks in a row without keeling over that Neil had agreed to leave. Gale had felt fine and was relieved that no-one had to watch him for once. He hadn’t been alone in so long, he couldn’t remember the last time.

That feeling lasted all of one hour.

He recognized the sharp ache that ran through him like a spear but ignored it, hoping it would pass. He wanted to sit on his couch and watch television. Something he had been unable to do in months. He realized ten minutes into an episode of Psych that he was leaning forward, clutching his stomach. Less than a minute later, he was leaning over the toilet, his lunch making a reappearance.

Laying on the cold tile floor, he drifted to sleep and when he woke up, he was shivering and sweating. He had a fever. Mustering as much strength as he could, he crawled into the adjoining bedroom. Maybe he could reach his cell phone…no. He could handle this. He would have to learn to cope on his own. He managed to drag his body into his bedroom and once he felt the itchy material of the carpet on his skin, he lay his head down and closed his eyes.

This was good.

The next thing he was aware of was someone grasping his arms and pulling him up. “Peter?” He couldn’t quite open his eyes. The hands stroked the back of his neck, rubbing soothingly and he recognized that touch.

“Randy.”

“Who else?”

There was a second pair of hands around his waist and he forced his eyes open to look over his shoulder. The image was blurry but he could have sworn-

“D?”

“Aha. So, you do still remember me?” Her smile was warm, at least it seemed that way through his haze. She gently tugged on his waist. “Lift up a little sweetheart. We need to get you under the covers.” Before he knew it, he was cocooned inside his warm bed, staring up into sapphire blue eyes.

“You came back.”

Randy reached over, pushing Gale’s damp hair away from his forehead. “Of course I did.” He smiled softly, then glanced around, his face falling. “Why are you alone? Where are Neil and Peter?”

“They went out.”

“Out?”

Gale knew that tone and quickly placed his hand on Randy’s tense arm. “I insisted that they go out and get some air, some food from a real restaurant.”

“Uh-huh. And they listened to you?”

“I was pretty convincing. Even did some jumping jacks.” Gale’s dry lips attempted to crack a smile. “Besides I was great this morning. It just hit me hard is all.”

“So you basically ran them off to be alone?”

Gale snorted. The guy apparently knew him damn well. “Something like that.”

Dolores appeared at his other side, and with Randy’s help sat him up, handing him a cup of what he assumed was apple juice. He took a long sip, coughing when it hit his parched thoart. Randy patted him on the back until he stopped. Once he had recovered, he opened his eyes and directed his next question to Dolores. “D, what the hell are you doing here?”

“Well, I think I should let Randy explain that part to you. I’m going to get acquainted with the house. Where do you keep all your meds?”

Gale motioned weakly to the bathroom. He heard her grumble about the inconvenience of that, watched as she moved toward the room and closed the door partway. He guessed to give him some privacy with Randy. He turned his head and asked again. “What is she doing here?”

Randy cocked an eyebrow, pursing his lips. “She’s here to help you.”

Gale started to protest but remembering that what he wanted was for Randy to keep the life he had intact, he nodded instead. “Okay. So, she’ll be -- here with me now?”

Randy stared at him for a moment then nodded slowly. “Something like that.”

Gale tried to smile. “I see.” He took a breath, pausing when it hurt, and asked what he didn’t want to know. “When are you leaving?”

Randy blinked. “Leaving?” He sat on the edge of the bed, shaking his head. “I’m not going anywhere.”

“What? But then--” Gale waved in the direction where he could hear Dolores muttering to herself. “I mean…”

Randy sighed, crossing his arms. “I have to be in Berkshire for the season. It starts in about three weeks. I’ve agreed to two plays.”

“Okay….that’s good. You’re going to be in Stockbridge? Right?”

Randy nodded. “Sure, I’ll be staying there for most of the week, when I’m performing. Dolores will be taking care of you part-time, when she has her shifts, Peter and Neil will take over. We’re dark on Mondays so I’ll drive up here after my matinee on Sunday and drive back on Tuesday mornings. The rest of the week, I’ll be keeping in touch with Dolores on the phone --”

“Rand. No. This is like your vacation. You love the time you spend there.”

“Shut up, Gale. Anyway, I have a break between the first play and the second so I’ll come up for the week. Then we’ll go back to the same schedule during for the second play. When it’s done, then --”

“Then, you go home.”

Randy glanced away. “Gale…I promised -”

“You promised to be here with me while I went through the worst. By the time the plays end, I’ll be done with my treatments. I won’t need you anymore” His voice faltred slightly on the last word but he ignored it, looking up as he said. “You’ll be able to go back to your life, Rands.” Gale reached over and squeezed Randy’s warm hand.

Their fingers found one another, entwining mindlessly and Gale smiled as brightly as he could manage. “This is going to be a lot for you, Randy. You know, you can stay in Berkshire for -”

“It’s only a two hour drive from here to Stockbridge.” Randy brought one of Gale‘s hands to his lips, pressing a kiss to the knuckles. There was a spark between them -- like there always was.. “No more trying to stop me from helping you, ok?”

Gale nodded. “Okay.” He swallowed, his mouth dry from the feel of Randy on his skin. He blew out a long breath, counting until his heart rate had slowed once more. Then he added quickly. “About what I said, Rands…”

“It’s okay…”

“No, it’s not. You didn’t deserve that. And I didn’t mean it -” He paused at the look Randy sent him. “Fine. I may have meant it in that moment, but I don’t feel that way right now. And I shouldn’t have said it. I know how hard the doctors work to help me…how difficult it is for you to…I should know better.”

“No argument there.”

“That’s a first.”

“Don’t push it, Harold” Randy cleared his throat. “I think this is good. My going to do the plays. It will help us both cope better with…everything.”

Gale agreed, not quite meeting the blue gaze on him. “I’m still really sorry--”

Randy shook his head. “Don’t worry about it. I know you were frustrated. I shouldn’t have walked out.”

“Yes you should have.” Gale smirked. “I was an asshole.”

“Yes, that’s true.” Randy winked at him and smiled at Gale’s soft laugh.”But I’m stuck with you that way.”

“That you are.” Gale sensed the heavy blanket of sleep falling over him. “I think I’m a little tired.”

“Have you been sleeping?”

“Yes, Mother.”

Randy rolled his eyes. “Try to refrain from being so much of an asshole, Gale.” There was humor and warmth in his voice and Gale smiled as his eyes drooped shut. He could feel Randy’s fingers trailing up and down his arm, a soothing gesture that had helped him through the worst of his bad days. Randy was here -- with him -- for now.

Gale knew that would end soon enough. As it should.

But for the moment, he could be happy that Randy had come back. That when he opened his eyes, he would see him again. Gale sighed. “Rands?”

“Yeah?” It was a quiet response.

“Love you…”

He faded into obilvion, missing the gentle kiss to his mouth and the soft whisper of “Me, too.” on his lips…


|6|

Comments

[lenastockton.livejournal.com]

Okay... I just read this story and it's amazing! Please work on it more! I usually don't like to read stories until they are finished but there was something about the title that made me want to read it. Great job! Please update again soon!

[freakykat.livejournal.com]

Absolutely! I will be updating it very soon. :) Thank you for the lovely compliments.