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freakykat
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qafmaniac Title: The way your innocence tastes
Author: (
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freakykat) Pairing: Brian/Justin
Fandom: Queer as Folk
Theme: ROCK Alt. Choice #31 “Better Than Me” by Hinder
Rating: PG-13
Content: mostly angst, implied slash
Word Count: 650
Summary: He always knew…
Disclaimer: Don’t own Queer as Folk. They belong to CowLip, Ron and Dan and Showtime, who should have treated them better. I only like to play with them. When I’m done I’ll wipe them off and put them back.
A/N: Written for
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30_ballads challenge for Alt. Choice #31, "Better Than Me” by Hinder. Much thanks and love to my beta wouldbedorothy . This is basically a 220 gap filler. Don't ask, I have no idea where this came from... The way your innocence tastes
It’s the quiet he can‘t stand now.
It used to be different. There was a time when all he ever wanted was silence. It suited him once. The vast emptiness he was surrounded with until it seeped inside and he pretended it just was.
Now it was thick and suffocating.
He hears the scrape of metal, the sound echoing through the loft, and that final boom as the door closes. The soft padding of his shoes starts and stops across the bare floor. Brian can feel him. He can always feel Justin. He allows his eyes to find him, half hidden in the darkness. And, even from this distance… one that’s more than mere feet… he can tell that he is breaking.
He’d known it for a long time. Everyone liked to think he was oblivious, that he could give a shit, and the truth was, he preferred it that way. The numbness had served him well. But alone, in the absence of light, Brian had known. You didn’t sleep next to someone every night and not know. He felt the loss… the growing resentment… the space between them. He still wonders why he chose to ignore it and refuses to examine the truth that screams inside his head.
His chest tightens as he watches him slowly walk forward, feet dragging as he comes to stand at the foot of the bed. Their eyes meet, and Brian can see it clearly now. Those things he’d ignored before: the pain in his eyes, the despair sketched across his face, the hopelessness that he’d thought they’d manage to banish away under blue lights and silk.
But it’s all there between the light and shadow sketched across his skin as he pulls off his shirt, eyes not quite meeting Brian’s anymore. He drops it softly, and Brian swallows back what he refuses to name. He remembers when they bought it… their hands melding together in the dressing room, skin against skin, the soft moans against his throat… and he fights the blur of his vision.
He stood before him now, clad only in his underwear, tired and confused and needing…
And, in that moment, Brian knew.
Knew that Justin would leave him. Knew that he would choose to retain some of the innocence that had been taken from him. Choose what he needed over what he wanted.
And it was how it should be.
It’s instinct, he tells himself, that makes him pull back the cover and allow him into their - his bed. That fucking desire he still has to make it better. To fix what he helped break inside Justin.
He watches him crawl up the bed, wraps him inside the warmth of his scent… wanting to leave his mark, no matter how temporary… and rests his arm across him. He grabs one wrist, thumb stroking the skin gently, and then moves to the next, following the same pattern. Speaking in actions those words he can’t - he won’t. He can feel his pain coursing through him and wonders why someone so young - barely nineteen - deserved that.
He didn’t.
He deserved more. Better than him.
Brian knew that.
He would ease it somehow. Make it less for him.
He told himself he wouldn’t miss him. Wouldn’t remember the smell of his skin. The feel of his hair on his face. The way his innocence tasted. The sound of his voice as he chattered on about his day. He wouldn’t miss the light…
Because he would let it sink into his skin. He would hold him now, close his eyes, and let that be enough. Let that be all.
He would let him go… and shove what was left into that box inside. And, in the end, it would just be like everything else there. Memories that sustained him.
It was enough.
It had to be.
ã
copyright 2008 Kat Caraballo
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Date: 2007-10-29 07:02 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-10-29 07:15 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-10-29 08:04 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-10-30 05:24 am (UTC)my dad's currently custodian of my data. :-)
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Date: 2007-10-30 05:56 pm (UTC)And April finished beta'ing your story and I will work on it after class so I'll get it back to you in a little bit. :)
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Date: 2007-10-29 08:03 pm (UTC)I feel flattered that you read all my stuff. *big hugs* Justin will go home...eventually. Oh Ian in Indebted...lol...yeah he's around for a little longer but not much and OMG LMAO! I love what you want to see in Say It Right lol....
How's everything with your computer going?!
P.S. I'm not pysched and knew this was you. I read the other post lol.
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Date: 2007-10-29 12:04 pm (UTC)He’d known it for a long time. Everyone liked to think he was oblivious, that he could give a shit, and the truth was, he preferred it that way. The numbness had served him well. But alone, in the absence of light, Brian had known. You didn’t sleep next to someone every night and not know.
*nods* Brian is the king of denial, but he knew. Justin wasn't exactly hiding his feelings. :-(
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Date: 2007-10-29 08:07 pm (UTC)Brian knew. It really wasn't something you couldn't feel or see. But like you said, King of Denial...and you know Brian...he never thought he was good enough for Justin.
Thanks for the lovely comments and for reading!
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Date: 2007-10-29 12:43 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-10-29 08:17 pm (UTC)How many of the ballads? Or just how many fics total lol? Cause if it's the ballads, technically I'll be writing 33 of them. Fic in general...not a freaking clue.
Thank you for reading!
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Date: 2007-10-29 12:50 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-10-29 08:19 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-10-29 05:53 pm (UTC)Hugs,
Arlad
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Date: 2007-10-29 08:26 pm (UTC)Don't be ded though! Then you can't write and that's not fair lol.
Thank you for the wonderful comments! *hugs* AND holy crap!! I love that icon of yours!
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Date: 2007-10-29 06:21 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-10-29 08:29 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-10-29 06:28 pm (UTC)Cheers
sme
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Date: 2007-10-29 08:30 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-10-29 07:10 pm (UTC)Perfectly written.
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Date: 2007-10-29 08:32 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-10-29 07:59 pm (UTC)Susanne
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Date: 2007-10-29 08:08 pm (UTC)Isn't she awesome?? :)
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Date: 2007-10-29 08:36 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-10-29 08:40 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-10-29 08:35 pm (UTC)That scene always makes me cry. It was the saddest but the most beautiful scene because you really SAW what it was doing to Brian to see Justin suffering and what it would do to him to let him go.
I think that line is so true. There was massive amounts of guilt inside Brian for what happened.
Thank you so much for reading Susanne!
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Date: 2007-10-29 08:44 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-10-30 03:32 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-10-29 09:01 pm (UTC)Just listened to the song and was already crying before I started reading your ficlet. The lyrics are so fitting for 220 ...
And, in that moment, Brian knew.
Knew that Justin would leave him. Knew that he would choose to retain some of the innocence that had been taken from him. Choose what he needed over what he wanted.
He grabs one wrist, thumb stroking the skin gently, and then moves to the next, following the same pattern. Speaking in actions those words he can’t - he won’t.
You describe it so perfectly, and the pain is just overwhelming.
Just thinking about this scene kills me, and not anywhere near the good way. The looks in their eyes. They both know what will happen, and deep down they also both know that it's stupid and not what they really want, but neither of them is saying a word.
Can't watch it anymore. All I would do is scream: you stupid morons, SAY something, for f*** sake!
Because he would let it sink into his skin. He would hold him now, close his eyes, and let that be enough. Let that be all.
Ok, you wonderful, wonderful writer, this is beyond amazing. And I'm going to be dead now for a while.
CU ...
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Date: 2007-10-30 03:35 am (UTC)Can't watch it anymore. All I would do is scream: you stupid morons, SAY something, for f*** sake!
It's one the hardest scenes to watch cause you KNOW all Brian has to say is "Stay" and Justin would have but at the same time, it's not fair to Brian. He can't do that precisely for that reason because he BELIEVES Justin would leave him eventually.
It's just so screwed up and sad ad ugh...
Ok, you wonderful, wonderful writer, this is beyond amazing. And I'm going to be dead now for a while.
CU ...
I love your feedback and all the wonderful comments! They make my day! *hugs*
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Date: 2007-10-30 07:39 am (UTC)It's just so screwed up and sad ad ugh...
Yeah, that's exactly it.
And maybe in that moment Brian WANTS to say 'stay', but forces himself not to, because the decision is Justin's to make.
Oh, our wonderful, fucked up boys. *sighs* *lol*
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Date: 2007-10-30 05:51 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-10-30 06:41 pm (UTC)Thank you, darling, for saying that. I feel exactly the same way. And totally agree with everything else you said.
Yes, it's heartbreaking to watch, BUT it also HAD to happen this way.
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Date: 2007-10-30 02:56 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-10-30 03:46 am (UTC)You see why it kept getting in the way lol?
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Date: 2007-10-30 09:36 am (UTC)The ending was poignantly done:
He would let him go… and shove what was left into that box inside. And, in the end, it would just be like everything else there. Memories that sustained him.
It was enough.
It had to be. *sniffle*
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Date: 2007-10-30 05:49 pm (UTC)Thank you for reading and the lovely comments.
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Date: 2007-10-30 01:35 pm (UTC)Well done.
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Date: 2007-10-30 05:54 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-11-01 06:48 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-11-01 08:30 pm (UTC)Thank you so much for reading and the lovely comments! This scene kills me every time but I totally had to use it. :)
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Date: 2007-11-02 05:23 am (UTC)Good thanks :-) I hope you are the same? Although unfortunately my RL is keeping me busy enough that I barely have time enough to read around here let alone write lol.
I know what you mean. Its part of why you just HAD to love QAF and Brian. Just as you're railing against his behaviour you see something like that to remind you that he's always hardest on himself aaaw.
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Date: 2009-02-18 11:38 pm (UTC)It had to be. "
psh!
No, it's not.
It most definately doesn't have to be.
[throws something at you]
See the pouting is totally over.
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Date: 2009-11-20 06:57 pm (UTC)I am such a brat.
I'd say I'll never do it again but we both know what a lie that would be.