FIC: Indebted (QaF, B/J) - Chapter 1: What Makes You Happy

[freakykat]

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Title: Indebted
Chapter: One - What Makes You Happy
Sequel/Series: series...I hope.
Author: freakykat
Time Frame: Takes place during 3rd season after 3.04 - AU timelime
Summary: Justin asks Brian for a favor
Rating: R
Warnings: Justin/Ethan implied
Notes: Thanks to wouldbedorothy for beta-reading as usual. Everyone can blame thank her for the story. She gave me the plot!bunny that grew into whatever its become. This story has facets of the real storylines from 3rd and 4th season thrown in. Some with the same results and others with different. A different way Brian/Justin could have gotten back together. Feedback appreciated and loved!
Disclaimer: I own none of this - they belong to Showtime, Cowlip and others. I only play with them a little. Once I'm done, I'll dust them off and give them back.


Indebted

Chapter 1: What Makes You Happy


Why the fuck was it that whenever he stood in front of this damn door it felt right? No matter where he went, how long he was gone or who he was with, returning here felt like coming home. It should never be the shock it always was. This had been where he lived for the better part of two years.

But when he lived with his parents, it had never felt that way. He’d wanted out. Hadn’t felt as if he had ever fit in. And he hadn’t. He’d only begun to find who he was right behind the closed door. With the man Justin knew he would find there. He glanced at his watch, choking down the curses that threatened to spill out. He was sure Brian would still be home. The only question was…would he find him alone?

Jealousy bloomed quick and sharp before he could shake it off.

It wasn’t fair, Justin realized as his fist pounded on the door, that he still felt the green grip of that ugly emotion. He was with Ethan. He loved Ethan. He woke up and went to sleep with Ethan every night. He ignored that, sometimes, between sleep and awake, he would feel large, warm hands. Ache for the familiar expert touch on his morning hard-on. It startled him whenever callused, rough, most times clammy hands would jolt him from his sleep.

But that was normal. He’d been sleeping next to Brian for so long, he couldn’t remember the days when he hadn’t. All he needed with Ethan was time. He ran that thought over and over in his mind. He banged against the steel frame once more and, after a long silence, figured he’d been wrong.

Apparently Brian started earlier these days. He could feel the disgust, the anger that came with that thought and, scowling, turned to the stairs. He had barely taken one step when the door slid open. Brian raised a single eyebrow, surprise evident on his face. Justin took in the white wife beater and worn jeans, button undone, and his mouth went dry.

How the fuck did he manage to make old, torn denim look so good?

“Hey.”

Brian seemed at a loss for a fraction of a second. He nodded, face unreadable, and spoke cautiously. “Hey.” He stared at Justin expectantly.

Justin scrambled for the words to explain why he was there. There was a sound in the loft and he felt that familiar stab of something he shouldn’t be feeling. “Company?” He heard the accusations in his voice and inwardly cringed.

Brian almost smirked, and Justin was glad he didn‘t. It saved him from getting punched. “Yes.” From behind him came laughter, and suddenly Emmett appeared in the doorway.

“Justin, honey!” He rushed toward him, and a crushing hug followed instantly. Justin caught Ted and Michael’s faces as they watched from inside. They exchanged a look he couldn’t understand completely.

“Hi, Em.”

“It’s good to see you.” Emmett pulled away, grinning.

“It’s been a while.” Ted also smiled, though not as warmly, Justin noted. Something in his eyes seemed…cold? It was his imagination. “Hi, Teddy.”

“Hi, Jus.” He glanced over to Brian. “Do you want us to go ahead and you meet us later?”

Brian glanced at Ted, then at Michael, holding the look for several beats, and nodded at them. “Yeah. Go ahead.”

“Okay,” Michael responded, grabbing Ted’s elbow and practically hauling them all out the door. He gave Justin a quick nod before disappearing down the stairs. Justin stared after them for a moment, something odd in their behavior, then returned his eyes to Brian.

“Sorry if I’m interrupting something… I can come back…” He was tongue-tied, which he never was. He let out a frustrated sigh, jumping when he felt Brian’s hand on his arm. Rush of heat spread across his skin, inside his chest, setting off shivers that ran up his spine. He was pulled inside and watched as Brian slid the door shut.

Stepping inside the loft, Justin pushed away the jumble of memories and feelings that tumbled through him. He turned and, finding the courage to speak, he blurted out the words… “I need a favor.”

“Uh-huh.”

Justin swallowed. “I know that’s…I mean I don’t expect you to help but if you could…it would…I just want…fuck.”

Brian tilted his head to one side, pulling a cigarette from the packet on the table and smirking in Justin’s direction. “I don’t recall you having speech problems when we were--you lived here.”

“Me neither. “ Justin ran a hand over his hair. Fuck it. He spilled it out quickly. “I need your help to take pictures for the new ‘King of Babylon’ contest.” He waited for a moment before meeting Brian’s confused stare.

“What?”

He sighed, letting his bag fall from his shoulder, opening it and digging until he found what he wanted. He handed it to Brian. The paper was wrinkled, folded and stained, but it was still readable. He pointed out a section and said, “After I won, they had me sign the disclosure papers or whatever, and there was an addendum where I agreed to pose for the following year’s contest poster.”

Brian nodded. “I can read. What the fuck does that have to do with me?”

“They contacted me and told me it was time. They wanted me to come down and pose at some studio and…” Justin shook his head. He knew without looking at him that Brian understood. It was still hard for him to be around strangers or large groups. He hated it, in all honesty. He especially hated being touched or fondled or simply stared at by people he didn‘t know. “They would need me to pose --”

“Naked.”

Justin almost blushed. Almost. It was ridiculous that he could after everything he and Brian had…well, he didn’t need or want to think of that right at the moment. “Yeah.”

“And you’re uncomfortable with it.”

Justin nodded. “Not the naked.” He smiled sheepishly. “Just having someone else…I’m still not…I don’t…” He really was quite eloquent tonight, wasn’t he?

Brian tilted his head, staring hard. “You hate people. In general, you still don’t like strangers touching you. You can’t stand attention. I remember,” he finished softly. He pointed at himself. “I still don’t get why you need my help.”

“I talked them into letting someone else take the picture, and in exchange I would make the poster for free.”

“So you want me to recommend some photographers?” Brian headed to his desk, mentally tallying and discarding as he went. There was only a handful he could trust. And of those only a few he knew would make Justin feel comfortable.

“No. I already know who.”

Brian halted, turned to look at Justin. “Oh?” Then what the hell did he need from him? Justin could practically see the thought form in Brian’s mind. It was now or never. He took a deep breath and plunged.

“You.”

“I beg your pardon?”

“I said you, Brian. I want you to take it.”

The silence was deafening and seemed to stretch forever, until finally Brian cleared his throat, saying quietly, “You want me to do this?” When Justin nodded, he asked, “Why?”

“I trust you.”

The words came out without warning, before Justin even knew he was going to say them. It was the truth, he knew. Whatever may have happened between them, he knew that he could trust Brian. At least with this. “And you were there.”

Their eyes met briefly and held. Justin swallowed against the lump invading his throat. “You understand…how sometimes I can’t…you know. You won’t push me when I can’t take it. You’ll take your time. You won’t…hurt me.”

“I see.”

Justin waited, seeing and empathizing with the struggle in Brian. “I know it’s a lot to ask, and you don’t owe me anything…seeing as…”

“Don’t.” Brian held up a hand, cutting Justin off quickly. “It’s done. And you didn’t do anything to me.”

“So, you’ll do it?”

Brian sighed. “I’m not a photographer.”

“I’ve seen some of your work, though, Brian. You’re good. I just need something to work with. It has to be…sexy…unique. I know you can do that.”

He watched as Brian’s mouth curved up on one side. “Flattery will get you everything, Taylor.” He nodded and then asked, “When do you want to do this?”

“How long will it take, do you think?”

Brian shrugged, thinking before answering. “You’ll want choices for the poster, so we‘ll need several shots… set-up time… It could take an hour, maybe two.”

“No better time than the present, I guess.”

Brian glanced around them. “Now? Here?”

Justin nodded. “I feel at…ease here. And the sooner I get it done, the sooner it’s finished.”

Brian searched around Justin. “Do you have anything to wear? Isn’t there a crown and a cape and whatever the hell else they wear in the poster?”

Justin shrugged. “I want to get this done quickly. I can just add those in digitally later.”

Brian paused. “Does your boyfriend know about this?”

“Does it matter?”

“Not to me, but I’d think…”

“Ethan knows how I feel, Brian. He trusts me.”

The implications of that resonated between them, and Brian seemed to accept Justin’s statement. No other questions followed. He motioned toward the couch before disappearing into the bedroom. Justin shrugged out of his jacket and, with a heavy sigh, flopped onto the soft cushions. It was new…and leather. Justin ran his hands over the soft coldness. He breathed deep, surrounding his senses with Brian’s scent. It clung to everything in the loft.

That had been a blessing when he lived there. It had made it easier, especially in those first days, when Brian wasn’t around, to still feel his presence…his strength. Later, it had turned into a prison…something he couldn’t escape, no matter how much he tried.

There was a thud from somewhere inside Brian’s bedroom, and Justin rose slightly, worry creasing his forehead. He called out tentatively. “Brian?”

“What?”

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah. I just forgot how heavy this fucker was.” Brian reappeared through the entrance of his bedroom. Justin watched as he fiddled with, what from his viewpoint was a huge black box, but he guessed was the camera.

“It’s really…big.”

Justin caught a glimpse of a smile forming on Brian’s mouth and bit the inside of his own to keep from smiling at what he knew would be the inevitable response.

“Well, you know what I’ve always said about size…” Brian threw him a quick grin before returning his full attention to the equipment in his hands. Justin took the chance to study him, seeing slight differences in his face and body. He seemed strained, more tired than he remembered. Justin frowned, his eyes roving over Brian’s body. He looked thinner, as well. His face slightly…paler than Justin had ever seen. Fear unfurled in his guts as he kept steady eyes on Brian.

Something was off.

“You can take a picture when I get this fucking thing working, it‘ll last longer,” Brian stated quietly. Taking a seat on his new Italian leather couch, he continued to work on the camera, a small crease of frustration evident on his forehead. Justin couldn’t tell what was making him anxious…the camera or his attention.

Was that a grimace on Brian’s face when he sat down? Justin paced slowly, eyes flicking back to Brian every few seconds. He waited some minutes until he could trust his voice enough to speak. He took in the changes around him. Most noticeably, the lights over Brian‘s bed. The blue had been replaced by -- orange. Justin smiled at that. Orange was the new blue, according to the latest rumblings of the art world.

Leave it to Brian to know that instinctively.

He glanced back at him and finally spoke quietly.

“Is everything okay, Brian?”

He caught the slight pause in Brian’s hands before he answered, looking at him directly. “As soon as I can get this goddamn camera to work, we can get started.”

Justin sighed, knowing better than to push Brian to answer the question the way he wanted. Maybe he could ask Michael or Debbie. They were bound to know if something was going on with Brian. As soon as he started his shift tomorrow, he’d casually start interrogating Deb. With a definite plan of action, and feeling slightly better for it, he moved closer to where Brian sat. “Can I do anything to help move it along?”

He expected Brian to tell him to fuck off, but instead received a probing stare from him. After a long moment, Brian shrugged. “You could clear out some space by the wall.” He pointed behind him. “And move the standing lamps over here. Better lighting.”

Justin got to work, clearing the needed space and relocating two of the standing lamps to where they would best work. Brian gave him directions once or twice as he worked. It was familiar…comfortable. But it wasn’t. Justin knew if things had been like they were before (he was careful not to think should have been…Ethan…Ethan…), he would be talking a mile a minute. Telling stories about classes, or something Debbie had said. Maybe even about his new painting. Brian would act annoyed but he’d ask the right questions, proving that he was listening and enjoying it. Of course, Emmett would start sleeping with dykes again before Brian would admit that.

Justin recalled those nights when they hadn’t spoken. When they’d just sat there, watching an old movie…or Brian working and Justin sketching…their connection always between them. They’d always ended up fucking in a heap on the floor or the couch or wherever they’d fallen, too overcome with lust and desire to give a shit. He shook his head free from the memories.

This was good, too. This…whatever they had. This quiet that fell over them. The silence was neither oppressive nor intimate now.

It just was.

And, for the moment, Justin was grateful for that.

“Okay.” He glanced over his handiwork, satisfied with what he saw, and turned, catching Brian as he looked down and away quickly. Justin ordered his pulse to go back to its normal rate and smiled. “I think we’re ready, maestro.”

Brian nodded, rising slowly -- a bit too slowly for Justin’s liking -- and positioned the, Justin assumed, now working camera onto the tripod that had been set up as well. “Let’s get the party started.” Justin groaned and Brian bit his lip to hide his smile. “What? Too corny?”

“To say the least, Brian. Please.”

“Fine, then. Time to get nekkid, Ms. November!” Brian’s eyes glittered with amusement, and Justin laughed at the lecherous stare sent his way.

“You have issues.” Justin unbuttoned his shirt, keeping his eyes away from the hazel gaze directed at him.

“So I’ve heard.” Brian’s voice broke and Justin paused, daring to look up. He caught that same retreating glance from before and his hands began to shake. Shit.

Shitshitshitshit.

This had been a bad idea. He opened his mouth to say so, but Brian cut him off. “We can do this, Justin.” Their eyes met and Brian nodded at him. “I’ve seen you.” Justin felt -- actually fucking *felt* -- those words inside him and bit back a groan. He nodded and resumed unbuttoning his shirt, his hands now trembling. The cold air of the loft hit his skin and he sucked in a breath, goosebumps covering him.

Brian seemed to be concentrating on his positioning of the equipment, and Justin knew he was giving him some room to get used to it. Justin undid his jeans buttons, pushing down and stepping out of them quickly. He bent, making sure to keep his front to Brian, and picked them up. Taking an inordinate amount of time folding and refolding them in an attempt to get a hold of his nerves. This was just Brian, remember…not a hundred strangers putting their hands on him. It was just a picture.

He turned to find Brian’s sharp gaze focused on him. He nodded jerkily. “I’m ready.”

Brian’s eyebrow rose. “Are you sure?”

“I’m sure.”

“‘Cause, from where I’m standing, it doesn’t look that way.”

Justin bit out his name. “Brian.” Blue eyes clashed with hazel. “Take the fucking picture.”

“It won’t do any good if you don’t look like you’re enjoying this. You’re supposed to be King of Babylon. Proud, regal, sex personified.” Brian squinted at him. “Right now all I see is….”

Justin’s eyes narrowed dangerously. “What?”

Brian shrugged. “Frigid virgin queen.”

Justin’s mouth fell open. Brian’s eyes challenged him, and he knew just what he was doing. “Trying to piss me off?”

“There’s no one that compares to you when you’re angry. Believe me.” Brian clicked on the shutter, the snap of it taking Justin by surprise. He was acutely aware of the camera, of all the people that would be looking at him. He rolled his shoulders to assuage the tension…trying desperately not to see the faces in his mind. Trying to forget the hands, cold, hard, sometimes brutal…

He stumbled out his response. “Is that why you went out of your way to piss me off?”

Brian smiled. “What, you think I like fighting all the time?”

Justin nodded. “Yes.”

“Good answer.” Brian paused, staring at him. “You need to get comfortable, Justin.”

“I’m trying.”

“You haven’t even taken off…”

“I’m aware of that.”

Brian sighed. “What’s going on? You stripped at Babylon without a problem.”

Justin snorted. “Right.” He tried to push off the wave of anxiety that reminder brought him. Men touching him when he didn’t want them. The blur of nights passing…the look on Brian’s face…Sap’s hands over him like he owned him. He shuddered, wanting to forget that time. Hating it more now than he did then. He closed his eyes.

“Justin. Look at me.”

Justin did as he was told, looking straight into the eyes that probed now. He could feel Brian’s hesitation and hoped that he wouldn’t ask. But he would. So he answered first. “I barely got through that. All those people’s hands on me. Touching and jerking and owning… I felt like shit.“ He watched Brian’s eyes widen. “I wanted to crawl inside a hole and never come out. I hated it.”

“Why didn’t you tell me it was…hurting you?”

“Because you were already against it. You never said it, but I saw it. I saw the disappointment in your face every time I ‘sold’ myself. You would have made me stop.”

“Damn right, I would have.”

Justin could almost feel it surface…love. Right at the edge, right underneath…and he pushed it back down into the box where he kept it hidden from everyone. Especially himself. “And I would never have learned what I needed to learn. It worked out in the end.”

Brian ran a hand through his hair, eyes blazing. Justin watched him shake it off. He scrubbed his hands on his face before asking, “Okay. So how did you get through that? Maybe it can help now.”

He hesitated and Brian caught it.

“What?”

Justin sighed. “I was pretty fucking high most of the time, Brian. Whatever that powder was that Sap gave us worked really well. Combined with drinks, and I barely felt anything for a lot of it. And when that didn’t work…”

Brian encouraged him. “You what?”

Justin brought steady eyes to meet Brian’s curious ones. “I thought of you.”

He saw the surprise filter across Brian’s colorless face. He had started his confession, he might as well finish it. “I would close my eyes and pretend it was you. See you. Feel you. And I could get through it. I’d find the strength I needed there.” Justin shrugged. “You were that for me then.”

He waited for some derisive comment. Some putdown or insult to follow, but there was nothing except Brian’s steady gaze.

“Okay,” he said slowly. “Then try that.”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea, Brian.”

He watched as the other man smirked. “Think of whatever gives you strength now, Justin.” Before he realized it, Brian had moved to stand in front of him. His normally warm hands seemed cooler, but their touch still sent shivers up Justin’s spine. He gulped when Brian leaned into his ear and commanded, “Close your eyes, Sunshine.”

He let his eyes flutter closed and his body, attuned to Brian, responded. He breathed in shallow puffs of air. The knot in his chest tightened and he itched to reach out. To touch and feel, but he clenched his hands against the urge. He listened to Brian’s voice.

“Picture whatever gives you strength. Whatever it is that makes you happy.”

One finger trailed around his neck, up and underneath his ear, to his cheek. Justin willed his legs to stay steady, to remain upright.

He felt Brian’s breath on his skin, his cheek…and suddenly hovering over his lips. He shuddered in a breath, inhaling Brian’s heat and scent, somehow different but still all his. They were an inch apart, skin brushing against cloth. He gulped against the painful jerk in his cock and knew that Brian could feel his hardness against his leg.

There was a soft peck once, twice, and Brian breathed words against his mouth. “Do you have it in your mind?”

Justin opened his eyes, meeting Brian’s intense, scrutinizing glare. If he moved just a bit, they would be touching…and he ached for that. He knew he did. But he wouldn’t. He knew Brian… This was a test. Of Justin. Maybe of himself. He swallowed past need and gave a slight nod. “I can do it now.”

He could see Brian’s almost smile and breathed a silent sigh of relief when he backed away, heading slowly back to the camera. Justin relaxed, knowing that had been Brian’s intent. To try and make him comfortable the only way he thought he could. It made something inside Justin shift. Brian was repositioning the tripod and looked up at him once he was done. He eyed him warmly and motioned to his underwear. “You can remove those now.”

Justin gripped the band of his black shorts, keeping his gaze steady on Brian’s. He stopped in the process, his mind rejecting the idea. He knew that Brian could see the effect he’d had on him. It was understandable. Nobody could resist him.

Brian saw his fear and quietly repeated the same encouragement as before, his voice full of things Justin didn’t want to hear. “I’ve seen you, Sunshine. It’s okay.” When that didn’t work, Brian continued, “Close your eyes. Think of…whatever makes you happy now.”

Justin nodded, pushing his underwear down, letting it fall gracelessly to his feet, and stepping out. He closed his eyes…seeing only Brian…and, opening them, he stared at that same image across from him.

“I’m ready.”


|Chapter 2|

Comments

[freakykat.livejournal.com]

I'm so glad you liked and commented! There's a lot that's going on with Justin. I always thought there was during that time. If Brian hadn't so effectively pushed him away in 305, I think we would have seen Justin realizing what he had with Brian. Not because of Ethan's betrayal but because he would have noticed from a distance everything he wouldn't let himself see from close up.

And here, Brian has to be more open...for his own reasons.

I'm liking writing them quite a bit in this story. More as soon as I'm done with my exam today. :)