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freakykatTitle: All The Things We Never Were
Author(s):![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
freakykat
Rating: NC-17
Characters/Pairings: Luke Snyder/Noah Mayer
Summary: I don't wanna dream about all the things that never were.
|Prologue|
Part One
~Charleston, January 2010~
He throws up in the corner, trembles against the wall and falls to the floor, hands clutch at his skin. Luke digs his nails in, scratches against the itch that burns all through him. He can feel them biting him. “Oh god. Stop. Stop. Stop.” He tries to stand but his feet are numb and he curls into a ball.
There's the sound of the door and he makes an aborted lunge for it, feels hands grab the back of his sweat-drenched shirt to haul him away.
“Don't even think about it, Luke.”
He hates that voice so much right now. He wants to go. He needs to stop the pain.
He doesn't belong here.
“Just -”
Luke can't recognize his own voice, rasps out a curse and claws at the arms pinning him down. “Just one – please.”
“No.”
“Please.”
The sobs escape and he goes limp on the bed, shivers against the thin mattress. He dry heaves a few times, nothing left to actually come out and brings his knees to his chest. Feels a blanket wrap over him. Buries inside. Screws his eyes shut and recoils violently when Noah's face shows up.
He can't think about him.
Not about anything he did to him.
He rocks back and forth, lets the pain flow over him.
“It'll be over soon, Luke. I promise.”
It sounds like Noah's voice in his head and he wants to run away with how much that hurts.
~~~*~~~
He takes a long drag from his cigarette, cradles the phone on one shoulder and cracks his knuckles. Tries to listen to what his mother is saying. When she mentions Noah, he jerks his head up and starts to protest but it's too late.
“Hey.”
Luke closes his eyes, chest turning over at the voice, his stomach drops to his feet and he resists the urge to hang up the phone.
“Hey.”
The silence is long and awkward, something that isn't like the people they once were. Luke doesn't think they'll ever be that way again. Knows deep inside that it can't be the same.
“Anything I say is going to be stupid, isn't it?”
That surprises him and he almost smiles, shrugs even though he knows Noah can't see him.
“Nothing is stupid.”
Noah seems to think it over and then says, “I miss you.”
Luke swallows away the feelings that brings up, stores it for his therapy session later. “Yeah.”
“I'll be coming up this weekend and I thought - “
“Don't.”
Noah stops breathing, Luke notices right away and he grimaces. He hadn't meant to say it that way. He thinks fast.
“I'm not sure if I'm ready for visitors yet. Maybe the weekend after next?”
He knows Noah will do what Luke wants and he uses that.
“If that's what you need.”
Luke scrubs one hand over his face. He knows Noah isn't going to listen. He thinks that Luke just needs to see him and he'll be fine. “Yeah. Listen I gotta go, Noah. Tell the family I love them, okay.”
“We love you, too.”
He doesn't respond, hangs up the phone and moves out of the line so Ralphie can take his turn. He pats the kid's shoulder and smiles encouragement before he walks down the hall.
He doesn't think about Noah.
He can't.
~~~*~~~~
“So, you blame Noah then?”
Luke glares across the room, meets Marc's hostile eyes and shakes his head. “Why would I blame him? No. I just – I don't know what good I am. For him.”
“That's bullshit.”
He balls his hand into fists and counts to ten. He and Marc have had more than one conversation that almost ended in blows. Something about Luke sets the guy into asshole mode.
“So why the fuck won't you see him?”
He doesn't have an answer. All he knows is the thought of seeing Noah again makes his entire body revolt, makes him want to find the nearest bar, a dealer, a fucking gram of anything. That's the only way he thinks he'll be able to deal with everything that happened.
“Luke, though I think he could use a little more tact, Marc has a point.” Lisa spoke calmly, smiling her honest one and tilts her head toward him. “You can't see him. Why?”
“I don't know what to do.”
“About what?”
Luke makes a derisive sound and cocks his own head to the side to look back at her. “Oh, maybe about the fact that I was a druggie and let my dealer give me blow jobs in exchange for getting high even when I could pay. Or that I brought them into the home we shared and could have cost him everything. Or that I got so fucked out of my head that for three days I let god knows how many fucking men fuck me.” He bites back the bile that rises at that. It's a memory he doesn't ever want to fully get back and prays for at the same time. The not knowing exactly what happens kills him every day.
And the look on Noah's face when Luke had babbled it out to him while Noah held him on the way home from that horrible morning is something he won't ever forget.
“You were screwed up, man. He knows that. He seems to love you.” Ralphie says quietly from his corner and Luke tones down his anger when he looks at him. “He shows up every chance he can, Luke. Every visitor's day, he comes.”
“He shouldn't. I don't know why he does.”
It's not a feeling he admits but he hates Noah a little for not hating Luke more. For showing up and forcing Luke to hurt him. He needs him to hate Luke. And somewhere he thinks Noah does. He expects it to come out someday.
Noah can't love him the way he says.
Luke doesn't deserve that.
~Oakdale, February 2010~
Noah knows this is pathetic but he can't help it. He waits on the front porch, checks his watch every few minutes and stares down the driveway, willing a car to come up. Lily and the kids should have been back from visiting Luke already. He folds his arms over his chest and forces that sick feeling from his stomach. It's been more than a month of rehab and Luke still makes excuses not to see him.
Ed had told him that was normal. That recovering addicts have a hard time facing people. Except that Luke had called and requested a special visit with Lily and asks her to bring the kids to see him. That he was ready for that.
But he hadn't mentioned Noah.
It didn't matter because he'd be there for the next scheduled visitor days with the same treats he brought every time. He'd sit in the same chair under the tree and watch the door for hours. He'd smile when Ralphie shows up instead of Luke and he'd listen to him tell Noah funny stories about Luke. It was the closest he could get but he'd do it.
He can feel Luke drifting farther away and Noah hangs on with his bare hands, fingers clasping at whatever he can reach.
He won't give up.
Noah just needs to make sure Luke knows he's waiting. He's there for him.
The tires on gravel bring his focus away from his thoughts and he stands, brushes sweaty palms against his jeans, plasters a smile on his face when Ethan lunges for his knees. He picks him up, nods at the rapid fire sentences about Luke and ducks and a pond. Faith moves past him sadly and he makes a mental note to take her aside after dinner to talk. Nat grins at him and hugs his middle, mumbles that she wishes he could have gone.
“Me too, Nattie.”
She takes Ethan by the hand and disappears inside the house. He avoids looking at Lily as long as possible. Knows exactly what will happen when he does.
He takes a deep breath and does, finds his eyes drift to the envelope in her hands and buries that sharp pain in his chest away. He's getting used to it. When he meets her eyes, they're sad and he shrugs, takes the letter back from her.
“I'll take it to him next week.”
Lily's eyes are shiny and wet, makes Noah heart bruise more than it already is. “That's a good idea.”
Her hand sweeps through his hair and she leans in to kiss his cheek. “Come in for dinner.”
Noah nods, smiles and waits until the door closes, lets his shoulders sag.
He takes a lungful of air and then straightens before heading inside.
~~~*~~~
“I need you to stop showing up.”
Noah stops mid-sentence where he'd been telling about Ethan's new escapade with the tree house they'd built. He's been expecting this for some time, Luke's refusal to take his visit a few days ago had clued him in. Noah was surprised Luke hadn't said it earlier.
“No.” He pauses then continues with “So when Lily asked what would possess him to take that all the way up -”
“Goddamnit, Noah.” Luke sounds choked up and Noah holds still while he clears his throat to say, “I can't take you coming here. I don't want to see you.”
It's the first time Luke has said it out loud and Noah knew that. He didn't think it would hurt so much to hear it out loud. “I want to see you.”
“This isn't about you. I'm not any good, Noah. Get that? I'm not that guy you fell in love with.”
“You're still the one I love.”
Luke makes a frustrated sound. “Jesus. Why are you doing this? I'm asking you to stop.”
“I'm not letting you do this alone.”
“I already am. I don't need your pity or guilt or whatever the fuck is going on.”
Noah swallows down the anger, remembers what he's learned at Anon, what Ed tells him every time Noah starts to lose faith.
Love is worth it.
“I don't feel any of those things, Luke. I love you. I'm your partner.”
Luke snorts. “No. I don't -” he falters and Noah knows whatever he's about to say will be a lie. “I don't want that anymore.”
“Tough.”
“What?” Luke's voice is loud and pissed. Good. Noah wants him to react with anything other than apathy.
“I'm not going anywhere, Snyder.”
He hears the phone slam and then the line goes dead. Noah calmly drops the call on his end, breathes through his nose and nods.
Well, at least they'd gotten that out of the way before Luke was home. He hoped it'd make the rest of the fights easier.
~~~*~~~
~Charleston, March 2010~
Luke hugs Ralphie tight, promises to call and visit as much as he can. He knows his friend still has some time to go but Luke believes in him. Lisa kisses his cheek, hands him a card with some numbers on it. It's his sponsor and she pushes him to call as soon as he gets to Oakdale. He thanks her and stops to hug a few more staff and patients, nods at Marc, who rolls his eyes at him before turning away.
His throat hurts from keeping in the screams of fear that want to escape. Luke isn't sure he can do this but Dr. Owen thinks it's time. That Luke has recovered as much as he can in here. He has the tools, the support and all he has to remember is that it's just one step in front of the other. One day at a time.
He walks out into the bright sunshine and halts in his path when he sees Noah leaning on his truck. He doesn't expect the way his heart trips in his chest and that familiar burst of want mixed with love makes him realize how much he missed Noah. Luke knew he'd been ignoring that while trying to learn to deal with his addiction and sort out what was left of his life.
It hits him hard when Noah glances up and at seeing him, his face burst into such a look of love and adoration that Luke feels sick instantly. He'll have to deal with that as soon as he can. Forcing a smile on his face, he meets Noah halfway, tenses when Noah hugs him but manages to wrap one arm around him loosely before pulling away.
“I thought Mom was coming to get me.”
Noah smiles softly, eyes hesitant and Luke hates that he does that now. “I kinda convinced her to let me. I wanted a few minutes with you because once we get home, it'll be impossible."
Luke's grimace is quick but not quick enough. Noah brushes his shoulder and Luke takes the smallest step back. They stare at each other for what seems forever before Noah says, “They just really missed you. We all did.”
He knows that. The letters and care packages and calls were endless, sometimes too choking and part of Luke almost wished they didn't care that much. It was too hard. Too much pressure. He thinks of the unopened stack of letters from Noah he left in the desk drawer. The thoughts make him ache for that damn numbness so he closes his eyes, breathes deep, and counts to ten. When he opens them again, Noah is quietly waiting by the car, watching him. His gaze flicks away as soon as Luke glances at him. It's the first time that Luke realizes that maybe Noah isn't as put together as he thought.
That makes his resolve harden.
Too much damage would leave a wreckage that Luke knew they couldn't fix.
He climbs in the car and smiles at Noah then turns his gaze back to the street, readies for what he has to face back home.
~~~*~~~
One week...
“Who thought this was a good idea?”
Noah grins slowly at him and shrugs. “Lily figured you might want some new clothes.”
Fresh start, Luke thinks. Noah doesn't say it but the words hang on the end of his sentence. He can't help the humorless laugh that escapes. “I don't think a new pair of jeans is going to make anyone forget about the addict.”
He watches Noah's jaw clench, stormy blue eyes find his.
“That's not what this is about.”
“What is it about then?” Luke grits his teeth. He knows that Noah isn't his mother, that it wasn't his idea to be here but he's an easy target and Luke isn't in the mood to be discriminatory.
“She was helping me spend some time with you.” Noah says softly, studies the shirt in his hand and turns to another rack.
Luke feels a jab in his chest but ignores it, turns away from Noah and pretends he can't understand Noah's silence.
~~~*~~~
Two weeks...
Nat's rendition of Casey and Noah's last epic battle over Superman versus Batman makes Luke laugh for the first time since he got home. He almost chokes on the lasagna he'd been scarfing down. When he looks over at Noah, his grin is huge and Luke reaches out to touch his face. Noah leans in, kissing his thumb softly as it slides near his mouth.
Then Luke remembers.
He pulls away fast, doesn't glance back to see Noah's face fall. It's an image he can't bear even when he knows it might be better that way.
He meets his grandmother’s gaze and flinches slightly.
She corners him later, shakes her head at him. “What are you doing, Luciano?”
It's serious business if she's using his given name but he can't start to care because it's none of hers. Lucinda Walsh can't begin to understand or make any of this better. It's up to him. He says those exact words and she startles before looking away.
Her sigh is deep and painful.
“He loves you.”
Luke nods.
“I know that.”
She glances back, meets his shuttered glare and nods. “That's the problem, isn't it?” She doesn't wait for his answer, just brushes past him and Luke drops his head.
Her voice drifts toward him from the door.
“We can't understand, Luke. But we can be here. That's all we can do. All we have to give. You need to let us.”
~~~*~~~
Three weeks...
Living with Noah was a study in not screaming every minute. He could feel Noah all around him. And that was too much. He couldn't touch. He wouldn't let Noah touch him. So, every night it was the same. Two people trying not to cross lines and barriers.
Noah slept on the couch from the day that Luke arrived. He never complained.
But Luke felt his eyes on him every night as he went to bed. Hopeful. Kind. Loving.
When he found himself staring at the bottle of vodka during his grocery run, Luke knew what he had to.
He realizes it's fucked up to have walked out with no explanation. Luke had stared at the blank of paper for almost an hour. In the end, he'd left it wordless, picked up the one bag he'd managed to pack and left.
The knock on the door shouldn't startle him the way it does. He'd been expecting it all day. When he opens his bedroom door, Noah is leaning on the frame, face set in a hard line.
This Luke can do. He can take anger.
“Noah.”
He watches Noah's eyes narrow slightly but then he leans forward, moves past Luke into the room, throws a bag on the bed. Luke doesn't understand what just happened so he waits.
Noah stands by the window for a long moment, sighs as he speaks. “Why didn't you tell me?”
Luke stands straighter and starts to say he doesn't owe Noah an explanation but that's a lie. Technically, they still shared one life and he does. “I just – I thought it might be easier this way. You would have wanted to talk me out of it.”
Noah shakes his head. “No, I would have just wanted to understand.”
It makes him mad and his face contorts with it. Noah makes a sound that comes very close to a snort and Luke glances up, their glares clashing. “What?”
“That was the wrong thing to say apparently. I should want to keep you at the apartment against your will?”
Luke raises an eyebrow, smirk ugly but before he can respond, Noah crosses the room, invades his space and Luke forgets to breathe for a moment. His skin prickles and he wants to touch so much he can't even remember for a second why he shouldn't.
Noah's mouth closes over his and he gasps a surprise, keeps his arms firmly at his side, fists clenching where they want to clutch at Noah. His mouth betrays him, though. Remembers what this is, opens for a moment, and Luke moans softly.
The sudden image of Greyson fucking him, of Luke's numbed acceptance, flashes in his mind and he pushes Noah away, wipes his mouth with the back of his hand. “I – no. I can't be – we can't do this.”
Noah reaches for him and Luke takes a step back, head shaking.
“Talk to me. Please.”
He'd told Noah about that night, in his drugged up state the morning he found him, it had all spilled out but the details had remained with Luke. He couldn't do that to them. He sidesteps Noah when he moves in closer, opens the door wide.
“Luke.”
“Go home, Noah.”
~~~*~~~
Six weeks...
He feels as it gets worse, the desperation to get away from Noah, to not have to face what Luke knows is inevitable.
So he avoids. For as long and as much as he can.
Then he runs into Damian at his mother's and it's like every emotion he'd worked through, had somehow figured out how to control springs up. He sees red when they pull apart as he walks in. Damian smiles at him, happy for some insane reason that Luke can't fathom. His biological father knows that Luke had refused to see him, both before, during, and now after rehab. He just doesn't get it. Never understood why Luke hates him so much.
And that makes it so much worse.
The fight is fast and ugly, leaves Lily crying, Damian furious and upset and Luke...
Luke is on the verge of breaking down.
The want for relief, a drink, a hit, anything to make him forget is a daily struggle. On days like he is having, it's torture. He calls Alan, his take no prisoners sponsor, and yells for an hour, until his voice is hoarse. Alan lets him then finally tells Luke that he needs to expect to feel this way for the rest of his life and he's the only one who can decide how to deal with that.
Luke breaks down and buys the pack of cigarettes he's been craving since he'd gotten back home. He smokes half the pack, lets each one burn down to the filter in his fingers and thinks. It's a constant loop of voices and images. Noah and his father. Damian and his mother. Greyson, Marc, his grandmother. He hides in the barn, keeps his back to Skywalker's stall. He hasn't ridden in months. Since his dad died. It's empty for him, this place is colorless without Holden and Luke can't bear to think of ever being able to get on a horse again without bursting into sobs.
But he can sit and feel his father around him.
The noise at the barn door makes him tense and when he sees a familiar tall figure walk toward him, every bit of anger and hate and love and failure he feels rushes up. He stands and stares at Noah. All he wants is one fucking moment of peace.
“Did they send you?”
Noah startles and finds Luke's glare with wide blue eyes, shakes his head. “I didn't know you were here, Luke. Emma asked me to get –“
“A report on me?” He knows this isn't fair. Inside his head, the rational side of his mind is screaming at him to shut up.
But he can't.
Noah blinks and opens his mouth to respond, then to Luke's frustration, he shakes his head again. “I didn't know – I'm sorry.” He seems to gather some kind of courage and steps closer, his beautiful eyes sad. “Can I help at all?”
Luke snorts meanly and raises an eyebrow. “No, Noah. You can't fucking help. It's not like I had a bad day at work. This is my life. I feel useless and helpless and angry. I hate everything. Everyone.” He lets that hang in the air, ignores the stab of pain he sees in Noah's face, before he continues. “And it's not fair. Because it's not about anyone else. It's me. I want to drink so bad every minute of every day that it aches.”
Noah takes another step and Luke's traitorous body feels it, wakes up to his proximity and he can't do this. He can't have Noah here and deal with everything. It's like a balancing act. Too many emotions at once and he'll fall off the precipice into the abyss around him.
And Noah.
Noah is every emotion he's ever had all balled into one person. He's love and pain and need and want and everything.
“I know I can't begin to understand but – baby, I want --”
Luke brings his hands to his face, scrambles away, breathes harshly. He shakes hard and when he looks up at Noah, he says, “You're hurting me.”
Noah stills, stares, arms drop slowly to his side.
“Don't you understand? You make me feel this big," he pinches his thumb and forefinger together, “and when you touch me – I want to crawl out of my skin. When you look at me like you do, I want to jump head first into a drink, a hit. I can't do this.”
The words came in a rush and Luke clamps his hand over his mouth. He didn't even know –
He looks at Noah and freezes at his expression. Luke doesn't think he's ever seen it before and his stomach turns.
When he takes a step forward, Noah moves back. His eyes look wet from this distance and he only nods, voice breaks with his, “I see.” He's stiff as he walks away, slow and deliberate, like if Noah makes any sudden movement, he'll blow apart.
Luke follows calling out, “Noah.”
Noah stops, turns in the doorway and blank eyes look at him.
“I just – I don't know anything right now.”
There's a sudden rush of anger in Noah's face and Luke swallows when that look falls on him. “I understand that. But – “ Noah takes a deep breath and glances behind Luke. “When the man I love hurts, I want to ask what's wrong. I want to help. I want to be there.”
Luke shakes his head. He knew that – that wasn't what he meant.
“When I touch you, the man I love, I would rather it not disgust you.”
“That's not what I said.”
Noah gives him a look so sharp that Luke can't move.
“When I'm with you, I want that ache to be less not more.”
Luke shakes his head again.
Noah rubs one hand down his face. “I'm sorry I'm not enough, Luke. I thought I could be.” The look Noah sends him feels like a punch in Luke's gut. Noah takes a step toward him but then remembers and turns away.
He wants to say something but watches Noah's back as he heads to the house instead, leaving him in the quiet night with his thoughts and reckless words in the air between them.
His legs go numb and he falls to the ground.
That's where Aaron finds him, he doesn't know how much time later, and when he looks at his brother's face, he knows that it all happened, that he'd just pushed Noah so far away, Luke didn't think he'd ever come back.
His brother sits down at his side, slides one arm around his shoulder and with that gesture, Luke lets his tears fall unrelenting and his I'm sorrys pour into his brother's shirt.
Aaron rubs his head and says, “I know you are.”
~~~*~~~
Noah can't breathe. He doesn't remember how he made it from the barn to the house. He held a conversation with Emma before kissing her cheek, lingering a little more than usual in her hug and waving away her questioning look. He'd walked out of the house and to his truck but his shaking hands told him driving would be a bad idea.
So he left the truck and walked toward the road, calling a cab.
He leans back against the magnolia tree at the edge of the drive, feels the sick recoil of his stomach as Luke's words echo in his head.
“You're hurting me.”
Noah closes his eyes, hands cover his face and he feels the wet heat trickle down.
“You make me feel this big and when you touch me – I want to crawl out of my skin.”
Noah's body shudders when the sobs pour out and he slides to the ground, head against his knees.
“When you look at me like you do, I want to jump head first into a drink, a hit.”
The bile rises fast and Noah scrambles on his knees to the side and throws up at the foot of his favorite tree.
“I can't do this.”
He wipes his eyes and nose, tries to breathe but all he smells is the sickness around him. He doesn't know what to do. Where to go. He can't even think straight.
Aaron is standing in front of him and Noah flinches back.
“What happened?”
He doesn't look up at him. He can't. “I -”
Aaron bends to meet his eyes and whatever he sees makes his face twist in pain. “Noah...”
Noah feels the tears burn his eyes and he tries to breathe but all he can manage is a series of hiccups and pants so he lets Aaron rub his back until it stops.
“I don't understand what's going on, Noah.”
He doesn't either. Except that maybe he does.
There's only one way he can think to help Luke. He sees the light of the taxi coming up the driveway just as the thought becomes clear in his head. He turns to Aaron and pulls the other man into a hug. “Do me a favor?”
Aaron holds him tight. “Anything, bro.”
“Take care of him for me.”
“Wait, Noah...”
“Just promise me.”
The pause is pregnant with so many things but Aaron nods against Noah's shoulder and that's all he needs. He lets go and moves fast.
He opens the door, glances back at the farm and when he gives the driver the address, he sinks back into his seat and expels a breath, steeling himself for what would have to come next.
~~~*~~~
Lucinda used to scare Noah. It's not something he likes to admit to anyone but when you first meet her, it takes every ounce of willpower not to run the other way. She can look right through you so lying is impossible. She tells you truth whether you want it or not. She can be ruthless.
And if you're family, and she loves you, she can be deadly.
When he arrives at her mansion it's nearly eleven o'clock so Noah isn't surprised at her worried expression as she meets him in the hall. She takes one look at Noah's bloated, pink face and steers him to her den. After Langston brings them both tea, she states simply, “This is about Luke.”
That seems to be enough and Noah pours the whole story out. The weeks of trying to be there, trying to understanding, failing Luke, failing himself and how he can't hurt Luke.
“I'm not sure I understand that clearly, sweetheart.”
Noah thinks of a way to tell her what happened without having to repeat the words Luke had said.
“I'm getting in his way.”
Lucinda shakes her head. “That's ridiculous.”
But it isn't. That's the problem. Some place between the barn and the Walsh mansion, Noah saw the truth in what Luke was telling him. Sometimes the more you loved someone, the more you hurt them. Trying to save them, he could destroy them completely.
He looks up to find Lucinda watching his face closely. He gives her a sad smile and meets her gaze.
“You remember when you insisted that I join Al-Anon?”
She nods at him and he thinks she's already where he is.
“I hated the idea.”
“You're not exactly an open book so I imagine that was a bit like hell for you, darling.”
He nods, sniffles and gives her a look. “That would be an understatement if I ever heard one. But you were right.”
“Of course I was, dear.”
He smiles despite what he has to say. “There was something George said to me that I didn't really understand until now.” Noah picks at his fingers and he can't quite meet Lucinda's stare. “He said that sometimes it's not what you give, it's what you don't.”
When he looks at Lucinda, his voice is thick and it catches as he speaks. “We love each other too much. That's the problem.” He holds up his hand when Lucinda begins to protest, “I know it sounds ridiculous even as I say it but – he can't want my happiness more than his own. He can't think about me, Lucinda. He can't handle any of that. And I can't not love him. I can't not want him. In the end, I'll break him and I can't live with that.”
It's the only time Noah has ever seen Lucinda look defeated. She takes a deep breath, grabs his hand and asks, “What can I do?”
For family, she'd move mountains.
He won't ask for that much.
“I need your help.”
~~~*~~~
It takes Lucinda less than a day to call Noah with the news that she found him what he was looking for. “Meet me for lunch today.”
He's at the Lakeview early and sits to look over the crowds coming in and out of the restaurant. He feels connected to this town. He knows names and histories. Who hates who. The family connections. Even things he shouldn't know he knows. Noah feels a pang when he thinks that he wouldn't just be losing the love of his life but the whole world he loves.
He makes a resolution in that moment and when Lucinda sits at the table, smiles at him, he gives her a hopeful look.
“I called an old friend to see if maybe he would know where I could start making inquires and it turns out that he knew of a position. So he agreed to meet us here.” She glances up, smiles wide at someone behind Noah, and when he turns, he blinks a couple of times.
He stands and grips the hand given to him.
“Brian.”
“Hello, Noah.” Brian smiles kindly at him and they sit at the table. Noah isn't sure how to feel about it but Brian had proved to be more than just the jerk they had thought. He knew Luke still worked with Brian when it came to foundation business and, from what Noah could see of the conversation going on in front of him, Brian and Lucinda had remained friends.
So when Brian lays it out for Noah, he listens.
The job is a production assistant position at a television station in Chicago. Brian makes it clear that it was just entry level so the pay wasn't great but he offered Noah a place to stay until he had his feet on the ground.
“Starting over is hard. I know that. So I want to help. I owe you that.”
Noah shakes his head. “You don't owe me anything.”
Brian gives him a hard look. “I think I do.”
He wants to argue but at the expression on Brian's face he doesn't. It would be nice to know someone there.
Lucinda gives Noah a questioning brow. “What do you say, darling? Is this what you really still want to do?”
Noah thinks of Luke, nods and asks Brian, “What do I have to do?”
~~~*~~~
The hardest part is telling Luke.
He shows up at the farm, waits in the kitchen and when Luke hesitates at the door, Noah's heart leaps to his throat. He loves him so much it's an actual physical ache and if that's scary for him, he can't imagine what it does to Luke because Noah guesses that it can't help him at all.
He smiles at Luke's wary expression. “Hey.” He was determined to walk out of here with Luke's friendship, with him still in his life.
Noah would learn to live with that. He'd have to.
“Hi.”
Luke stands a few feet away, arms crossed protectively, wary gaze aimed at Noah and that more than anything convinces him that he made the right decision. Standing in the middle of the farm kitchen where they'd fallen in love repeatedly, he feels further from Luke than he's ever felt before.
It was sad and difficult and awkward.
They were never awkward, not even at the beginning so Noah's at a loss as what to do, how to talk to Luke now. He closes his eyes and chooses the only option he has: the truth.
“I've been offered a job in Chicago.”
He senses Luke go still and, at the pained look in Luke's eyes, he wants to take it back. He could drown there. Always could. He shakes his head, breathes deep and finishes what he had practiced for days.
“It's not a great position but it's a start. Foot in the door, you know?”
“Noah, I -”
“I know you do.”
Luke's face crumbles for a moment but he finds strength from somewhere and takes a step closer to Noah. “I didn't mean those things.”
Noah wishes that was true. “Yes, you did.” He holds up his hand when Luke starts to protest. “I know you didn't mean to say it that way, baby.” He sees Luke's face soften at that, watches the tears gather in his eyes and he can't help it. He moves closer, touches his face gently, thumb wipes the wet away. “But they weren't lies.”
The ache is solid in his chest, choking but he forces the words out.
“I'm not doing you any good here.”
“That's not true.” Luke's hands reach for Noah, holding his shoulders before pulling away, like he was stung. Noah makes a sound, desperate and pained. He needs to feel Luke's touch. Sometimes, like he needs to breathe.
“I need you, Luke.”
He sees the panic but he plows ahead. Noah needs to say this.
“Whenever you walk in a room, I want to touch you. It's like a burning in my hands, you understand? I want to kiss you and hold you. I want to talk to you about everything. I want to be in our apartment, in our bed. And you can't handle any of that. Not now.”
He might never be able to but Noah doesn't say that. He brushes the hair out of Luke's face.
“I can't be here and not do those things. Luke, it'll kill me a little every day to have you right here and not be with you. And in the end, that would kill you because I know you love me and I know you hate hurting me. I know that.” He moves a hand carefully over Luke's shoulder and up his neck, feels him tense and Noah's heart breaks more. “This needs to be about you. You need to think about yourself. It's all that matters. Keeping you above water.”
Luke nods fervently, holds Noah's hands, unable to stop his trembling lips and stutters a quiet, “I do love you.”
Noah runs a hand over his hair. “I know that.”
He swallows, tugs a little at the hair at Luke's nape, makes him look up. “If I'm not here, you can feel free. You can heal. Get better.”
“If you leave...”
Noah shakes his head again. “You'll get better. You have family that loves you. Brothers and sisters. Friends.”
Luke shakes his head. “I can't lose you, Noah.”
Noah makes a derisive sound, his own eyes filling up now. “You think you can get rid of me that easy?” He gives Luke a watery smile. “You are my best friend. My soulmate. And nothing...nothing changes that. And I'll be here for you. Always, baby.” In whatever capacity he could be.
Luke pulls him in, buries his face in Noah's shirt and his hot tears sting against Noah skin. He fastens onto Luke's back and pretends this isn't a goodbye to who they were together.
That whatever they are now will be enough for him.
~~~*~~~
A week later he says his goodbye to his family, his only home, and climbs in his car, waves as he pulls out.
When he glances in the rear view mirror, he can see Luke standing the in driveway, his form getting smaller and smaller until he disappears entirely.
|Part Two|
Author(s):
freakykatRating: NC-17
Characters/Pairings: Luke Snyder/Noah Mayer
Summary: I don't wanna dream about all the things that never were.
|Prologue|
Part One
~Charleston, January 2010~
He throws up in the corner, trembles against the wall and falls to the floor, hands clutch at his skin. Luke digs his nails in, scratches against the itch that burns all through him. He can feel them biting him. “Oh god. Stop. Stop. Stop.” He tries to stand but his feet are numb and he curls into a ball.
There's the sound of the door and he makes an aborted lunge for it, feels hands grab the back of his sweat-drenched shirt to haul him away.
“Don't even think about it, Luke.”
He hates that voice so much right now. He wants to go. He needs to stop the pain.
He doesn't belong here.
“Just -”
Luke can't recognize his own voice, rasps out a curse and claws at the arms pinning him down. “Just one – please.”
“No.”
“Please.”
The sobs escape and he goes limp on the bed, shivers against the thin mattress. He dry heaves a few times, nothing left to actually come out and brings his knees to his chest. Feels a blanket wrap over him. Buries inside. Screws his eyes shut and recoils violently when Noah's face shows up.
He can't think about him.
Not about anything he did to him.
He rocks back and forth, lets the pain flow over him.
“It'll be over soon, Luke. I promise.”
It sounds like Noah's voice in his head and he wants to run away with how much that hurts.
~~~*~~~
He takes a long drag from his cigarette, cradles the phone on one shoulder and cracks his knuckles. Tries to listen to what his mother is saying. When she mentions Noah, he jerks his head up and starts to protest but it's too late.
“Hey.”
Luke closes his eyes, chest turning over at the voice, his stomach drops to his feet and he resists the urge to hang up the phone.
“Hey.”
The silence is long and awkward, something that isn't like the people they once were. Luke doesn't think they'll ever be that way again. Knows deep inside that it can't be the same.
“Anything I say is going to be stupid, isn't it?”
That surprises him and he almost smiles, shrugs even though he knows Noah can't see him.
“Nothing is stupid.”
Noah seems to think it over and then says, “I miss you.”
Luke swallows away the feelings that brings up, stores it for his therapy session later. “Yeah.”
“I'll be coming up this weekend and I thought - “
“Don't.”
Noah stops breathing, Luke notices right away and he grimaces. He hadn't meant to say it that way. He thinks fast.
“I'm not sure if I'm ready for visitors yet. Maybe the weekend after next?”
He knows Noah will do what Luke wants and he uses that.
“If that's what you need.”
Luke scrubs one hand over his face. He knows Noah isn't going to listen. He thinks that Luke just needs to see him and he'll be fine. “Yeah. Listen I gotta go, Noah. Tell the family I love them, okay.”
“We love you, too.”
He doesn't respond, hangs up the phone and moves out of the line so Ralphie can take his turn. He pats the kid's shoulder and smiles encouragement before he walks down the hall.
He doesn't think about Noah.
He can't.
~~~*~~~~
“So, you blame Noah then?”
Luke glares across the room, meets Marc's hostile eyes and shakes his head. “Why would I blame him? No. I just – I don't know what good I am. For him.”
“That's bullshit.”
He balls his hand into fists and counts to ten. He and Marc have had more than one conversation that almost ended in blows. Something about Luke sets the guy into asshole mode.
“So why the fuck won't you see him?”
He doesn't have an answer. All he knows is the thought of seeing Noah again makes his entire body revolt, makes him want to find the nearest bar, a dealer, a fucking gram of anything. That's the only way he thinks he'll be able to deal with everything that happened.
“Luke, though I think he could use a little more tact, Marc has a point.” Lisa spoke calmly, smiling her honest one and tilts her head toward him. “You can't see him. Why?”
“I don't know what to do.”
“About what?”
Luke makes a derisive sound and cocks his own head to the side to look back at her. “Oh, maybe about the fact that I was a druggie and let my dealer give me blow jobs in exchange for getting high even when I could pay. Or that I brought them into the home we shared and could have cost him everything. Or that I got so fucked out of my head that for three days I let god knows how many fucking men fuck me.” He bites back the bile that rises at that. It's a memory he doesn't ever want to fully get back and prays for at the same time. The not knowing exactly what happens kills him every day.
And the look on Noah's face when Luke had babbled it out to him while Noah held him on the way home from that horrible morning is something he won't ever forget.
“You were screwed up, man. He knows that. He seems to love you.” Ralphie says quietly from his corner and Luke tones down his anger when he looks at him. “He shows up every chance he can, Luke. Every visitor's day, he comes.”
“He shouldn't. I don't know why he does.”
It's not a feeling he admits but he hates Noah a little for not hating Luke more. For showing up and forcing Luke to hurt him. He needs him to hate Luke. And somewhere he thinks Noah does. He expects it to come out someday.
Noah can't love him the way he says.
Luke doesn't deserve that.
~Oakdale, February 2010~
Noah knows this is pathetic but he can't help it. He waits on the front porch, checks his watch every few minutes and stares down the driveway, willing a car to come up. Lily and the kids should have been back from visiting Luke already. He folds his arms over his chest and forces that sick feeling from his stomach. It's been more than a month of rehab and Luke still makes excuses not to see him.
Ed had told him that was normal. That recovering addicts have a hard time facing people. Except that Luke had called and requested a special visit with Lily and asks her to bring the kids to see him. That he was ready for that.
But he hadn't mentioned Noah.
It didn't matter because he'd be there for the next scheduled visitor days with the same treats he brought every time. He'd sit in the same chair under the tree and watch the door for hours. He'd smile when Ralphie shows up instead of Luke and he'd listen to him tell Noah funny stories about Luke. It was the closest he could get but he'd do it.
He can feel Luke drifting farther away and Noah hangs on with his bare hands, fingers clasping at whatever he can reach.
He won't give up.
Noah just needs to make sure Luke knows he's waiting. He's there for him.
The tires on gravel bring his focus away from his thoughts and he stands, brushes sweaty palms against his jeans, plasters a smile on his face when Ethan lunges for his knees. He picks him up, nods at the rapid fire sentences about Luke and ducks and a pond. Faith moves past him sadly and he makes a mental note to take her aside after dinner to talk. Nat grins at him and hugs his middle, mumbles that she wishes he could have gone.
“Me too, Nattie.”
She takes Ethan by the hand and disappears inside the house. He avoids looking at Lily as long as possible. Knows exactly what will happen when he does.
He takes a deep breath and does, finds his eyes drift to the envelope in her hands and buries that sharp pain in his chest away. He's getting used to it. When he meets her eyes, they're sad and he shrugs, takes the letter back from her.
“I'll take it to him next week.”
Lily's eyes are shiny and wet, makes Noah heart bruise more than it already is. “That's a good idea.”
Her hand sweeps through his hair and she leans in to kiss his cheek. “Come in for dinner.”
Noah nods, smiles and waits until the door closes, lets his shoulders sag.
He takes a lungful of air and then straightens before heading inside.
~~~*~~~
“I need you to stop showing up.”
Noah stops mid-sentence where he'd been telling about Ethan's new escapade with the tree house they'd built. He's been expecting this for some time, Luke's refusal to take his visit a few days ago had clued him in. Noah was surprised Luke hadn't said it earlier.
“No.” He pauses then continues with “So when Lily asked what would possess him to take that all the way up -”
“Goddamnit, Noah.” Luke sounds choked up and Noah holds still while he clears his throat to say, “I can't take you coming here. I don't want to see you.”
It's the first time Luke has said it out loud and Noah knew that. He didn't think it would hurt so much to hear it out loud. “I want to see you.”
“This isn't about you. I'm not any good, Noah. Get that? I'm not that guy you fell in love with.”
“You're still the one I love.”
Luke makes a frustrated sound. “Jesus. Why are you doing this? I'm asking you to stop.”
“I'm not letting you do this alone.”
“I already am. I don't need your pity or guilt or whatever the fuck is going on.”
Noah swallows down the anger, remembers what he's learned at Anon, what Ed tells him every time Noah starts to lose faith.
Love is worth it.
“I don't feel any of those things, Luke. I love you. I'm your partner.”
Luke snorts. “No. I don't -” he falters and Noah knows whatever he's about to say will be a lie. “I don't want that anymore.”
“Tough.”
“What?” Luke's voice is loud and pissed. Good. Noah wants him to react with anything other than apathy.
“I'm not going anywhere, Snyder.”
He hears the phone slam and then the line goes dead. Noah calmly drops the call on his end, breathes through his nose and nods.
Well, at least they'd gotten that out of the way before Luke was home. He hoped it'd make the rest of the fights easier.
~~~*~~~
~Charleston, March 2010~
Luke hugs Ralphie tight, promises to call and visit as much as he can. He knows his friend still has some time to go but Luke believes in him. Lisa kisses his cheek, hands him a card with some numbers on it. It's his sponsor and she pushes him to call as soon as he gets to Oakdale. He thanks her and stops to hug a few more staff and patients, nods at Marc, who rolls his eyes at him before turning away.
His throat hurts from keeping in the screams of fear that want to escape. Luke isn't sure he can do this but Dr. Owen thinks it's time. That Luke has recovered as much as he can in here. He has the tools, the support and all he has to remember is that it's just one step in front of the other. One day at a time.
He walks out into the bright sunshine and halts in his path when he sees Noah leaning on his truck. He doesn't expect the way his heart trips in his chest and that familiar burst of want mixed with love makes him realize how much he missed Noah. Luke knew he'd been ignoring that while trying to learn to deal with his addiction and sort out what was left of his life.
It hits him hard when Noah glances up and at seeing him, his face burst into such a look of love and adoration that Luke feels sick instantly. He'll have to deal with that as soon as he can. Forcing a smile on his face, he meets Noah halfway, tenses when Noah hugs him but manages to wrap one arm around him loosely before pulling away.
“I thought Mom was coming to get me.”
Noah smiles softly, eyes hesitant and Luke hates that he does that now. “I kinda convinced her to let me. I wanted a few minutes with you because once we get home, it'll be impossible."
Luke's grimace is quick but not quick enough. Noah brushes his shoulder and Luke takes the smallest step back. They stare at each other for what seems forever before Noah says, “They just really missed you. We all did.”
He knows that. The letters and care packages and calls were endless, sometimes too choking and part of Luke almost wished they didn't care that much. It was too hard. Too much pressure. He thinks of the unopened stack of letters from Noah he left in the desk drawer. The thoughts make him ache for that damn numbness so he closes his eyes, breathes deep, and counts to ten. When he opens them again, Noah is quietly waiting by the car, watching him. His gaze flicks away as soon as Luke glances at him. It's the first time that Luke realizes that maybe Noah isn't as put together as he thought.
That makes his resolve harden.
Too much damage would leave a wreckage that Luke knew they couldn't fix.
He climbs in the car and smiles at Noah then turns his gaze back to the street, readies for what he has to face back home.
~~~*~~~
One week...
“Who thought this was a good idea?”
Noah grins slowly at him and shrugs. “Lily figured you might want some new clothes.”
Fresh start, Luke thinks. Noah doesn't say it but the words hang on the end of his sentence. He can't help the humorless laugh that escapes. “I don't think a new pair of jeans is going to make anyone forget about the addict.”
He watches Noah's jaw clench, stormy blue eyes find his.
“That's not what this is about.”
“What is it about then?” Luke grits his teeth. He knows that Noah isn't his mother, that it wasn't his idea to be here but he's an easy target and Luke isn't in the mood to be discriminatory.
“She was helping me spend some time with you.” Noah says softly, studies the shirt in his hand and turns to another rack.
Luke feels a jab in his chest but ignores it, turns away from Noah and pretends he can't understand Noah's silence.
~~~*~~~
Two weeks...
Nat's rendition of Casey and Noah's last epic battle over Superman versus Batman makes Luke laugh for the first time since he got home. He almost chokes on the lasagna he'd been scarfing down. When he looks over at Noah, his grin is huge and Luke reaches out to touch his face. Noah leans in, kissing his thumb softly as it slides near his mouth.
Then Luke remembers.
He pulls away fast, doesn't glance back to see Noah's face fall. It's an image he can't bear even when he knows it might be better that way.
He meets his grandmother’s gaze and flinches slightly.
She corners him later, shakes her head at him. “What are you doing, Luciano?”
It's serious business if she's using his given name but he can't start to care because it's none of hers. Lucinda Walsh can't begin to understand or make any of this better. It's up to him. He says those exact words and she startles before looking away.
Her sigh is deep and painful.
“He loves you.”
Luke nods.
“I know that.”
She glances back, meets his shuttered glare and nods. “That's the problem, isn't it?” She doesn't wait for his answer, just brushes past him and Luke drops his head.
Her voice drifts toward him from the door.
“We can't understand, Luke. But we can be here. That's all we can do. All we have to give. You need to let us.”
~~~*~~~
Three weeks...
Living with Noah was a study in not screaming every minute. He could feel Noah all around him. And that was too much. He couldn't touch. He wouldn't let Noah touch him. So, every night it was the same. Two people trying not to cross lines and barriers.
Noah slept on the couch from the day that Luke arrived. He never complained.
But Luke felt his eyes on him every night as he went to bed. Hopeful. Kind. Loving.
When he found himself staring at the bottle of vodka during his grocery run, Luke knew what he had to.
He realizes it's fucked up to have walked out with no explanation. Luke had stared at the blank of paper for almost an hour. In the end, he'd left it wordless, picked up the one bag he'd managed to pack and left.
The knock on the door shouldn't startle him the way it does. He'd been expecting it all day. When he opens his bedroom door, Noah is leaning on the frame, face set in a hard line.
This Luke can do. He can take anger.
“Noah.”
He watches Noah's eyes narrow slightly but then he leans forward, moves past Luke into the room, throws a bag on the bed. Luke doesn't understand what just happened so he waits.
Noah stands by the window for a long moment, sighs as he speaks. “Why didn't you tell me?”
Luke stands straighter and starts to say he doesn't owe Noah an explanation but that's a lie. Technically, they still shared one life and he does. “I just – I thought it might be easier this way. You would have wanted to talk me out of it.”
Noah shakes his head. “No, I would have just wanted to understand.”
It makes him mad and his face contorts with it. Noah makes a sound that comes very close to a snort and Luke glances up, their glares clashing. “What?”
“That was the wrong thing to say apparently. I should want to keep you at the apartment against your will?”
Luke raises an eyebrow, smirk ugly but before he can respond, Noah crosses the room, invades his space and Luke forgets to breathe for a moment. His skin prickles and he wants to touch so much he can't even remember for a second why he shouldn't.
Noah's mouth closes over his and he gasps a surprise, keeps his arms firmly at his side, fists clenching where they want to clutch at Noah. His mouth betrays him, though. Remembers what this is, opens for a moment, and Luke moans softly.
The sudden image of Greyson fucking him, of Luke's numbed acceptance, flashes in his mind and he pushes Noah away, wipes his mouth with the back of his hand. “I – no. I can't be – we can't do this.”
Noah reaches for him and Luke takes a step back, head shaking.
“Talk to me. Please.”
He'd told Noah about that night, in his drugged up state the morning he found him, it had all spilled out but the details had remained with Luke. He couldn't do that to them. He sidesteps Noah when he moves in closer, opens the door wide.
“Luke.”
“Go home, Noah.”
~~~*~~~
Six weeks...
He feels as it gets worse, the desperation to get away from Noah, to not have to face what Luke knows is inevitable.
So he avoids. For as long and as much as he can.
Then he runs into Damian at his mother's and it's like every emotion he'd worked through, had somehow figured out how to control springs up. He sees red when they pull apart as he walks in. Damian smiles at him, happy for some insane reason that Luke can't fathom. His biological father knows that Luke had refused to see him, both before, during, and now after rehab. He just doesn't get it. Never understood why Luke hates him so much.
And that makes it so much worse.
The fight is fast and ugly, leaves Lily crying, Damian furious and upset and Luke...
Luke is on the verge of breaking down.
The want for relief, a drink, a hit, anything to make him forget is a daily struggle. On days like he is having, it's torture. He calls Alan, his take no prisoners sponsor, and yells for an hour, until his voice is hoarse. Alan lets him then finally tells Luke that he needs to expect to feel this way for the rest of his life and he's the only one who can decide how to deal with that.
Luke breaks down and buys the pack of cigarettes he's been craving since he'd gotten back home. He smokes half the pack, lets each one burn down to the filter in his fingers and thinks. It's a constant loop of voices and images. Noah and his father. Damian and his mother. Greyson, Marc, his grandmother. He hides in the barn, keeps his back to Skywalker's stall. He hasn't ridden in months. Since his dad died. It's empty for him, this place is colorless without Holden and Luke can't bear to think of ever being able to get on a horse again without bursting into sobs.
But he can sit and feel his father around him.
The noise at the barn door makes him tense and when he sees a familiar tall figure walk toward him, every bit of anger and hate and love and failure he feels rushes up. He stands and stares at Noah. All he wants is one fucking moment of peace.
“Did they send you?”
Noah startles and finds Luke's glare with wide blue eyes, shakes his head. “I didn't know you were here, Luke. Emma asked me to get –“
“A report on me?” He knows this isn't fair. Inside his head, the rational side of his mind is screaming at him to shut up.
But he can't.
Noah blinks and opens his mouth to respond, then to Luke's frustration, he shakes his head again. “I didn't know – I'm sorry.” He seems to gather some kind of courage and steps closer, his beautiful eyes sad. “Can I help at all?”
Luke snorts meanly and raises an eyebrow. “No, Noah. You can't fucking help. It's not like I had a bad day at work. This is my life. I feel useless and helpless and angry. I hate everything. Everyone.” He lets that hang in the air, ignores the stab of pain he sees in Noah's face, before he continues. “And it's not fair. Because it's not about anyone else. It's me. I want to drink so bad every minute of every day that it aches.”
Noah takes another step and Luke's traitorous body feels it, wakes up to his proximity and he can't do this. He can't have Noah here and deal with everything. It's like a balancing act. Too many emotions at once and he'll fall off the precipice into the abyss around him.
And Noah.
Noah is every emotion he's ever had all balled into one person. He's love and pain and need and want and everything.
“I know I can't begin to understand but – baby, I want --”
Luke brings his hands to his face, scrambles away, breathes harshly. He shakes hard and when he looks up at Noah, he says, “You're hurting me.”
Noah stills, stares, arms drop slowly to his side.
“Don't you understand? You make me feel this big," he pinches his thumb and forefinger together, “and when you touch me – I want to crawl out of my skin. When you look at me like you do, I want to jump head first into a drink, a hit. I can't do this.”
The words came in a rush and Luke clamps his hand over his mouth. He didn't even know –
He looks at Noah and freezes at his expression. Luke doesn't think he's ever seen it before and his stomach turns.
When he takes a step forward, Noah moves back. His eyes look wet from this distance and he only nods, voice breaks with his, “I see.” He's stiff as he walks away, slow and deliberate, like if Noah makes any sudden movement, he'll blow apart.
Luke follows calling out, “Noah.”
Noah stops, turns in the doorway and blank eyes look at him.
“I just – I don't know anything right now.”
There's a sudden rush of anger in Noah's face and Luke swallows when that look falls on him. “I understand that. But – “ Noah takes a deep breath and glances behind Luke. “When the man I love hurts, I want to ask what's wrong. I want to help. I want to be there.”
Luke shakes his head. He knew that – that wasn't what he meant.
“When I touch you, the man I love, I would rather it not disgust you.”
“That's not what I said.”
Noah gives him a look so sharp that Luke can't move.
“When I'm with you, I want that ache to be less not more.”
Luke shakes his head again.
Noah rubs one hand down his face. “I'm sorry I'm not enough, Luke. I thought I could be.” The look Noah sends him feels like a punch in Luke's gut. Noah takes a step toward him but then remembers and turns away.
He wants to say something but watches Noah's back as he heads to the house instead, leaving him in the quiet night with his thoughts and reckless words in the air between them.
His legs go numb and he falls to the ground.
That's where Aaron finds him, he doesn't know how much time later, and when he looks at his brother's face, he knows that it all happened, that he'd just pushed Noah so far away, Luke didn't think he'd ever come back.
His brother sits down at his side, slides one arm around his shoulder and with that gesture, Luke lets his tears fall unrelenting and his I'm sorrys pour into his brother's shirt.
Aaron rubs his head and says, “I know you are.”
~~~*~~~
Noah can't breathe. He doesn't remember how he made it from the barn to the house. He held a conversation with Emma before kissing her cheek, lingering a little more than usual in her hug and waving away her questioning look. He'd walked out of the house and to his truck but his shaking hands told him driving would be a bad idea.
So he left the truck and walked toward the road, calling a cab.
He leans back against the magnolia tree at the edge of the drive, feels the sick recoil of his stomach as Luke's words echo in his head.
“You're hurting me.”
Noah closes his eyes, hands cover his face and he feels the wet heat trickle down.
“You make me feel this big and when you touch me – I want to crawl out of my skin.”
Noah's body shudders when the sobs pour out and he slides to the ground, head against his knees.
“When you look at me like you do, I want to jump head first into a drink, a hit.”
The bile rises fast and Noah scrambles on his knees to the side and throws up at the foot of his favorite tree.
“I can't do this.”
He wipes his eyes and nose, tries to breathe but all he smells is the sickness around him. He doesn't know what to do. Where to go. He can't even think straight.
Aaron is standing in front of him and Noah flinches back.
“What happened?”
He doesn't look up at him. He can't. “I -”
Aaron bends to meet his eyes and whatever he sees makes his face twist in pain. “Noah...”
Noah feels the tears burn his eyes and he tries to breathe but all he can manage is a series of hiccups and pants so he lets Aaron rub his back until it stops.
“I don't understand what's going on, Noah.”
He doesn't either. Except that maybe he does.
There's only one way he can think to help Luke. He sees the light of the taxi coming up the driveway just as the thought becomes clear in his head. He turns to Aaron and pulls the other man into a hug. “Do me a favor?”
Aaron holds him tight. “Anything, bro.”
“Take care of him for me.”
“Wait, Noah...”
“Just promise me.”
The pause is pregnant with so many things but Aaron nods against Noah's shoulder and that's all he needs. He lets go and moves fast.
He opens the door, glances back at the farm and when he gives the driver the address, he sinks back into his seat and expels a breath, steeling himself for what would have to come next.
~~~*~~~
Lucinda used to scare Noah. It's not something he likes to admit to anyone but when you first meet her, it takes every ounce of willpower not to run the other way. She can look right through you so lying is impossible. She tells you truth whether you want it or not. She can be ruthless.
And if you're family, and she loves you, she can be deadly.
When he arrives at her mansion it's nearly eleven o'clock so Noah isn't surprised at her worried expression as she meets him in the hall. She takes one look at Noah's bloated, pink face and steers him to her den. After Langston brings them both tea, she states simply, “This is about Luke.”
That seems to be enough and Noah pours the whole story out. The weeks of trying to be there, trying to understanding, failing Luke, failing himself and how he can't hurt Luke.
“I'm not sure I understand that clearly, sweetheart.”
Noah thinks of a way to tell her what happened without having to repeat the words Luke had said.
“I'm getting in his way.”
Lucinda shakes her head. “That's ridiculous.”
But it isn't. That's the problem. Some place between the barn and the Walsh mansion, Noah saw the truth in what Luke was telling him. Sometimes the more you loved someone, the more you hurt them. Trying to save them, he could destroy them completely.
He looks up to find Lucinda watching his face closely. He gives her a sad smile and meets her gaze.
“You remember when you insisted that I join Al-Anon?”
She nods at him and he thinks she's already where he is.
“I hated the idea.”
“You're not exactly an open book so I imagine that was a bit like hell for you, darling.”
He nods, sniffles and gives her a look. “That would be an understatement if I ever heard one. But you were right.”
“Of course I was, dear.”
He smiles despite what he has to say. “There was something George said to me that I didn't really understand until now.” Noah picks at his fingers and he can't quite meet Lucinda's stare. “He said that sometimes it's not what you give, it's what you don't.”
When he looks at Lucinda, his voice is thick and it catches as he speaks. “We love each other too much. That's the problem.” He holds up his hand when Lucinda begins to protest, “I know it sounds ridiculous even as I say it but – he can't want my happiness more than his own. He can't think about me, Lucinda. He can't handle any of that. And I can't not love him. I can't not want him. In the end, I'll break him and I can't live with that.”
It's the only time Noah has ever seen Lucinda look defeated. She takes a deep breath, grabs his hand and asks, “What can I do?”
For family, she'd move mountains.
He won't ask for that much.
“I need your help.”
~~~*~~~
It takes Lucinda less than a day to call Noah with the news that she found him what he was looking for. “Meet me for lunch today.”
He's at the Lakeview early and sits to look over the crowds coming in and out of the restaurant. He feels connected to this town. He knows names and histories. Who hates who. The family connections. Even things he shouldn't know he knows. Noah feels a pang when he thinks that he wouldn't just be losing the love of his life but the whole world he loves.
He makes a resolution in that moment and when Lucinda sits at the table, smiles at him, he gives her a hopeful look.
“I called an old friend to see if maybe he would know where I could start making inquires and it turns out that he knew of a position. So he agreed to meet us here.” She glances up, smiles wide at someone behind Noah, and when he turns, he blinks a couple of times.
He stands and grips the hand given to him.
“Brian.”
“Hello, Noah.” Brian smiles kindly at him and they sit at the table. Noah isn't sure how to feel about it but Brian had proved to be more than just the jerk they had thought. He knew Luke still worked with Brian when it came to foundation business and, from what Noah could see of the conversation going on in front of him, Brian and Lucinda had remained friends.
So when Brian lays it out for Noah, he listens.
The job is a production assistant position at a television station in Chicago. Brian makes it clear that it was just entry level so the pay wasn't great but he offered Noah a place to stay until he had his feet on the ground.
“Starting over is hard. I know that. So I want to help. I owe you that.”
Noah shakes his head. “You don't owe me anything.”
Brian gives him a hard look. “I think I do.”
He wants to argue but at the expression on Brian's face he doesn't. It would be nice to know someone there.
Lucinda gives Noah a questioning brow. “What do you say, darling? Is this what you really still want to do?”
Noah thinks of Luke, nods and asks Brian, “What do I have to do?”
~~~*~~~
The hardest part is telling Luke.
He shows up at the farm, waits in the kitchen and when Luke hesitates at the door, Noah's heart leaps to his throat. He loves him so much it's an actual physical ache and if that's scary for him, he can't imagine what it does to Luke because Noah guesses that it can't help him at all.
He smiles at Luke's wary expression. “Hey.” He was determined to walk out of here with Luke's friendship, with him still in his life.
Noah would learn to live with that. He'd have to.
“Hi.”
Luke stands a few feet away, arms crossed protectively, wary gaze aimed at Noah and that more than anything convinces him that he made the right decision. Standing in the middle of the farm kitchen where they'd fallen in love repeatedly, he feels further from Luke than he's ever felt before.
It was sad and difficult and awkward.
They were never awkward, not even at the beginning so Noah's at a loss as what to do, how to talk to Luke now. He closes his eyes and chooses the only option he has: the truth.
“I've been offered a job in Chicago.”
He senses Luke go still and, at the pained look in Luke's eyes, he wants to take it back. He could drown there. Always could. He shakes his head, breathes deep and finishes what he had practiced for days.
“It's not a great position but it's a start. Foot in the door, you know?”
“Noah, I -”
“I know you do.”
Luke's face crumbles for a moment but he finds strength from somewhere and takes a step closer to Noah. “I didn't mean those things.”
Noah wishes that was true. “Yes, you did.” He holds up his hand when Luke starts to protest. “I know you didn't mean to say it that way, baby.” He sees Luke's face soften at that, watches the tears gather in his eyes and he can't help it. He moves closer, touches his face gently, thumb wipes the wet away. “But they weren't lies.”
The ache is solid in his chest, choking but he forces the words out.
“I'm not doing you any good here.”
“That's not true.” Luke's hands reach for Noah, holding his shoulders before pulling away, like he was stung. Noah makes a sound, desperate and pained. He needs to feel Luke's touch. Sometimes, like he needs to breathe.
“I need you, Luke.”
He sees the panic but he plows ahead. Noah needs to say this.
“Whenever you walk in a room, I want to touch you. It's like a burning in my hands, you understand? I want to kiss you and hold you. I want to talk to you about everything. I want to be in our apartment, in our bed. And you can't handle any of that. Not now.”
He might never be able to but Noah doesn't say that. He brushes the hair out of Luke's face.
“I can't be here and not do those things. Luke, it'll kill me a little every day to have you right here and not be with you. And in the end, that would kill you because I know you love me and I know you hate hurting me. I know that.” He moves a hand carefully over Luke's shoulder and up his neck, feels him tense and Noah's heart breaks more. “This needs to be about you. You need to think about yourself. It's all that matters. Keeping you above water.”
Luke nods fervently, holds Noah's hands, unable to stop his trembling lips and stutters a quiet, “I do love you.”
Noah runs a hand over his hair. “I know that.”
He swallows, tugs a little at the hair at Luke's nape, makes him look up. “If I'm not here, you can feel free. You can heal. Get better.”
“If you leave...”
Noah shakes his head again. “You'll get better. You have family that loves you. Brothers and sisters. Friends.”
Luke shakes his head. “I can't lose you, Noah.”
Noah makes a derisive sound, his own eyes filling up now. “You think you can get rid of me that easy?” He gives Luke a watery smile. “You are my best friend. My soulmate. And nothing...nothing changes that. And I'll be here for you. Always, baby.” In whatever capacity he could be.
Luke pulls him in, buries his face in Noah's shirt and his hot tears sting against Noah skin. He fastens onto Luke's back and pretends this isn't a goodbye to who they were together.
That whatever they are now will be enough for him.
~~~*~~~
A week later he says his goodbye to his family, his only home, and climbs in his car, waves as he pulls out.
When he glances in the rear view mirror, he can see Luke standing the in driveway, his form getting smaller and smaller until he disappears entirely.
|Part Two|
