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freakykatTitle: All The Things We Never Were
Author(s):![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
freakykat
Rating: NC-17
Characters/Pairings: Luke Snyder/Noah Mayer
Summary: I don't wanna dream about all the things that never were.
|Prologue|Part One|Part Two|Part Three|
Part Four
~Oakdale, April 2014~
Settling back into his life in Oakdale is a lot easier than Noah expects and if he'd had the time to think about it, to worry about what it could mean for him and Luke, he might not think that. It's too much to deal with the swirl of emotions he feels whenever he looks at Luke.
He tries not to focus on having Luke back in his life every day. It takes Noah a full week not to want to physically react to Luke's presence at the breakfast table. His defenses aren't quite in place yet, sleep-fogged and pliable, so he would lean into Luke's warmth whenever he was around, stare at his hands as he ate, lose himself in the rumble of his voice as he talked to Ethan or Emma. It was a little like torture of the sweetest kind.
It's simpler after they get a routine.
Chloe and Noah move into Holden and Lily's old bedroom, despite every protest Noah made about it, settle into learning how to live with the Snyder brood. He can't imagine what it's like for a baby. There's always a lot of noise, clutter, laughter, life going on around them.
Chloe thrives in the environment.
She loves the entire family.
He tries not to see more into it when she bonds instantly with Luke. It makes his heart wrench when she grins at Luke anytime he walks in the room, her little legs flailing, arms reaching out for him. Luke's face lights up each time like it's never happened before.
He thinks it should be a disappointment after all the years in California. The parties, press, the non-stop drive of making a film. Gabe calls a few times to make sure he's not coming back and when Noah tells him that he isn't, he sends his unfinished script with a note attached. It says whenever he's ready to make it, they'd be ready to back him up.
Noah hides the script in his desk drawer and only feels a twinge whenever he remembers it's there.
He's not giving up, he tells Case, when he asks him about his dreams.
He's readjusting.
It's not like managing WOAK doesn't keep Noah on his toes every day. He almost prefers the insane schedule of shooting a film, the random crazy of actors and crew then he does having to deal with Katie Perretti-Snyder. She had seen him as a threat from the beginning and it had taken Noah a week to figure out that it was personal more than professional.
She was Reid's best friend. Noah isn't really sure how that could have happened because they have absolutely nothing in common but he doesn't ask about that.
They manage to get along well enough for the first couple of months, mostly because Noah doesn't want to rock the boat so he gives her leeway.
Until he doesn't.
After two weeks of constant interference and outright disrespect, Noah puts his foot down, raises his voice to a woman for the first time in his life, and threatens her for real. He doesn't care what he has to do but he isn't joking when he tells he'll find a replacement.
She storms off the set, makes the staff rush around to find a way to fill the time and they end up airing a re-run.
He comes home early, mood foul, slamming the door before he remembers Chloe might be taking a nap. He looks chagrined at the glare he receives from Emma, apologizes quietly, and feels even worse when she waves it away, pats his cheek as she walks into the other room. He pauses on the stairs, takes a cleansing breath before he makes his way up to his room.
He freezes at the door.
Luke is lying on his bed, Chloe in his arms, humming softly into her hair. When he realizes Noah is there, he starts to smile, stops when their eyes meet, brow furrowing, and mouths, “What's wrong?”
Noah just wants to crawl into the bed, wrap his arms around the two people he loves more than anything in the world and forget that he has to deal with the fallout of today.
Before he can think twice about it, he moves across the room, chucks his jacket aside, toes his shoes off and climbs into bed. Luke's eyes widen slightly when Noah lays facing him, hand reaching out to settle on his daughter’s back, running the palm gently up and down.
He feels Luke watching him.
“Talk to me.”
It's a soft command, firm and Noah responds. He tells Luke about his problems at work, how it's making it harder to make the difference he wants there. He talks about his fear that he'll fail and let Kim down. Let himself down. He keeps his eyes on Chloe's sleeping face when he tells Luke that he thinks he's screwing her up for life. That he isn't equipped to do this.
“Noah. She loves you like crazy.”
He doesn't say anything, just continues to move his palm over her back, brushing Luke's hands as he goes.
“Do you see the way her face lights up when you walk in a room? She's a happy little girl. With a dad who moved heaven and earth to make a stable home. She's surrounded by love and family. Every single one of us would do whatever we had to for her. For the both of you.” One of Luke's hands moves to stop Noah's, thumb caressing over the skin and he has to tamp down a shiver from running down his spine.
“You're not doing anything wrong.”
Noah wants to believe that. He wakes up nights, afraid that he might lose the scrap of happiness he's found now. He didn't realize that it was just that, happiness, for some time. Hadn't known that he'd only been gliding along in his life before Chloe...before coming back home. Before being with Luke in his life every day. He's scared that someone will take them both away. That he'll let that slip from his grasp.
He closes his fingers around Luke's, settles their hands on Chloe's small back, and wishes harder than he ever has that he can keep what he has.
~~~*~~~
~August 2014~
Luke lowers his head to the table, lets out a low groan and doesn't notice the way Noah pauses for a second by the sink.
“Who knew that a one-year-old's birthday party could be that crazy?”
“You have met your family, right?”
He lets a laugh escape, rolls his head back to relieve the tension, face darkens slightly. “What the hell was Damian thinking?”
Noah makes a derisive sound, glances back at him. “I really don't think he was.”
That was true. A drunk Damian had crashed Chloe's first birthday party in the hopes of seeing Lily. His part in Holden's disappearance had finally proven to Lily that Damian was never going to be the man she needed. The ensuing argument had caused her to lose the baby that was the only link keeping them together. Almost a year later, a divorce, and Lily's intense hatred hadn't deterred Damian.
Luke hoped this time he would actually understand.
“Where did Casey and Hunter take him?” Noah asks, rinsing the plate in his hand before setting it down to dry. Luke manages to get to his feet, reaching for a dry towel to help.
“Lakeview. I think Mom was going to go talk to him. Maybe get him to finally leave.”
Noah shakes his head then winces and Luke stops to glare at him. “It's still bothering you?”
“I'll be okay.”
“Yeah, you could be bleeding on the floor and you'd say you were okay. Come here.” He lets the towel fall to the counter, brings his hands to Noah's shoulders, rolls the skin under fingers as he puts pressure right in the nook where Noah's neck meets his shoulders.
He realizes this is a bad idea.
It's like magnets, the way their bodies come together and Luke finds himself plastered against Noah's back. He can hear the intake of Noah's breath when he runs his hands down his arms, plants his forehead in between Noah's shoulder blades. They've been threading around each other more each day and it's left Luke lost. He brushes his hard cock against Noah's jeans, moans without meaning to and Noah shudders under his hands.
“Luke...”
It's choked off, wrecked and wanting enough to make Luke forget the reasons they haven't allowed this.
They jump when someone clears their throat and he pulls away when he notices Reid in the doorway. He holds up a wrapped gift, pins Luke down with his stare.
“It looks like I might be too late for the party.”
Luke almost laughs at that and turns away, steps back from Noah before he can.
It leaves him feeling empty.
~~~*~~~
~Thanksgiving 2014~
Noah studies the table around him, feels the warmth and love radiating in the room, makes a face at Chloe when she looks up at him. She gives a peal of laughter, claps her messy hands together and his heart expands twice as much. He's not sure if he can take all this aimed at him.
His eyes meet Luke's over her head and he grins, winks at Noah before spooning another bit of pumpkin mush into Chloe's mouth. She raspberries it out at Ethan who gives a loud laugh, setting her off again.
The rest of the family sit in varying degrees of fullness, chatting quietly or starting the process of cleaning up. Noah thinks he should help but the content state he's in doesn't let him move his feet at all. Meg and Eliza are slow dancing on the other end of the room, their giggles mingled with soft music. Emma and Lucinda speak in hushed tones at one side of the table. He watches Lily and Holden smile at each other, neither aware of that look on their faces. Everyone else has wandered somewhere else and he thinks that he should be careful when he steps into the living room. He's pretty sure Casey and Maddie snuck in there to do things he'd rather not think about. It's just too weird for him even after all this time. He guesses it was that way for her back in the day.
He can't help but watch Luke cajole Chloe into finishing her pie, amazed at how he can manage to get her to do that when no one else, not even Noah himself is able to. Luke cleans off her hands with the damp towel Lily hands him, wipes at her mouth until he's satisfied and then pulls her out of the high chair. Chloe's hands frame Luke's face and she leans in, smacks her mouth against his cheek and squeals out “MyLuke!”
He's pretty sure he's to blame for that. But...
Noah thinks that Luke's face every time she says it is something he can look at forever.
She turns to Noah and points, grins and calls him over. “Daddy!”
The first two words she'd ever said and he refuses to believe Casey's theory that maybe the universe is trying to tell Noah something. Casey's been talking about the universe and destiny ever since Maddie had given him a second chance.
Noah thinks people in love are annoying.
“What's up, baby?”
She grins at him, waves before Ethan distracts her with his new toy. He watches Luke carry her into the parlor, Ethan at his heels and smiles wide. Warm and fuzzy feelings running through him.
He really missed this.
Reid and Tony enter through the back door, arguing over some sport's game and what plays should have been, what was unfair, blah, blah. His eyes follow Reid as he heads to the counter. The awkward moment from months ago forgotten because that's just the way it works with them. There's an inkling in the back of his mind that he doesn't really understand Reid and Luke's relationship like he thinks he does.
He holds back a laugh when Lily rolls her eyes as Reid cuts another piece of pie, biting it off right there, munching with such delight that Noah is sure Reid's real love is food. Nothing seems to compare to that.
“I swear to god, Oliver, you have a hollow leg.” Noah calls out as he walks toward the parlor.
Reid glances up at him, smirks as he half wiggles his left leg and when Noah pauses to stare at him, he says, “Just making room”
The burst of laughter sends a pleasant buzz through his heart as he walks away.
~~~*~~~
~Christmas 2014~
Luke grips onto the large bag of gifts as he enters the room. He rues the day he lost the bet with Casey.
Everyone yells out when he appears around the corner and he notices Ethan roll his eyes when he sees him.
“I know it's you, Luke.”
Casey and Tony burst into drunken laughter. Luke forgives them because it's the holiday and he has a kind spirit, god damn it. Eliza seems wary of him, sitting back on her mother's lap when he approaches. He thinks this is a stupid idea and that maybe his dad should have done it this year.
It's when Chloe hides her face in Noah's shoulder, starts to cry a little that he can't stand it anymore. He pulls the hat and beard off, flings them to the side as he says her name. At his voice, she peeks out, grinning when she recognizes him. “MyLuke.”
That always makes him want to cry. He doesn't understand how she learned his name that way though Casey suspects that Noah might have had something to do with it. He's right of course but Luke never tells him that. Noah smiles at them and when Luke glances up, he can't help but take in his face, the way his gaze flicks between Luke's mouth and his eyes. He holds his breath, waits for Noah to do something.
It's Faith who says what Luke is thinking.
“Hey. Mistletoe, you two. Kiss! Kiss!”
Luke glances even further up, sees it hanging over their heads, starts to tell his sister to shut up when Noah's lips are on his. He sucks in a breath, leans into Noah, eyes closing with a hum. His hands move up and he's touching Noah's face, sparks of electricity shooting through his fingertips down his arms, legs, chest until the heat threatens to turn him into a pile of ashes.
When he pulls back, Noah's eyes flicker open slowly. There's a lull of conversation around them, like the room is holding its breath.
Luke smiles, wipes his thumb over Noah's lips, ignores the darkening of his eyes and turns to give Chloe a kiss on the temple, her smile wide back at him.
“Merry Christmas.”
~~~*~~~
~February 2015~
“I don't think that we're thinking this through.”
Reid turns to him and Luke expects that familiar smile that seems to hurt him every time he's on the receiving end of it.
“Don't be an idiot.”
Luke scowls, rubs his hand over his face. “Reid, we've been good. What we have, it works for us.”
“Does it?” Reid meets his eyes, makes Luke really see him and he catches the exhaustion on Reid's face, in the slope of his shoulders. He puts up a good front but Luke knows him better than most. He loves Reid. Not like he does Noah because that's impossible, he thinks. But like he does everyone else in his life. He doesn't want to lose him. Reid helped Luke find his way.
“I care about you, Reid. This wasn't – I wasn't trying to make you be someone you couldn't be.”
Reid nods, shifts so he can face Luke. “I know that. And you know I care about you. But I was trying to hide.” His face twists into a mix of pain and resignation. “I couldn't face not having what I wanted.”
Luke doesn't know all the details about what went down between Reid and Chris Hughes. He knows enough to think that neither one them had been ready for the hugeness of what love could be. He still isn't sure how that could work. Chris Hughes' coming out was an even bigger deal than Luke's. Maybe because it had happened so late in life. Because he'd hidden that part of who he was away and Luke thinks Chris might have actually succeeded in keeping it that way if Reid hadn't shown up in town.
“Is he willing to be with you?”
Reid shakes his head. “It's not about Chris. It's not even about Noah.”
Luke looks skeptical. “Then what is it?”
“We were never meant to be anything more than the friends we are, Luke. Whatever happened with us was born out of loneliness. It's not what it turned into because –“
Luke reaches for Reid's hand, clasps it in his. “Yeah.”
He leans his head on his friend's shoulder. “If I ever made you feel less...”
Reid's shoulder shakes and he presses back against Luke. “Not possible, Snyder.”
“How did I mange to put up with you this long?”
“The sex was pretty fucking good.”
Luke laughs, buries his face in Reid's sleeve but doesn't say anything. After a minute, Reid nudges him and he looks up.
“It's different now, Luke. You know that. He's not the reason you won't make it. At least not in the same way.”
Luke doesn't respond.
~~~*~~~
~April 2015~
Noah remembers that it's wrong to think your life is going perfectly when Chloe gets sick.
At first, he doesn't worry about it more than he normally would. She's had colds before and it's that time of year.
That changes quickly when her fever spikes and she throws up all over Luke. He rushes downstairs to call Reid while Luke draws a cool bath, tries to bring down her temperature. Chloe cries harder than Noah has ever seen her cry before. She calls for him between giant gulps of air and he holds her tight. When she falls silent, he doesn't think twice, runs down the stairs. He stumbles and Holden catches him, grabs Chloe before she falls, and Noah wants to resist. He can't let go of her.
“Let me drive, Noah.”
He doesn't argue, rushes into the backseat and Holden places Chloe on his lap, belting them both in. Luke sits next to him, one hand on Noah's arm the other on Chloe's head, threading fingers through her damp hair.
Reid is waiting in the ER when they come to a stop at the entrance. He reaches in for Chloe and turns, disappearing through the doors. The rest of the hour is a blur of papers to fill out, staring at the moving hands of the clock, and cups of stale coffee. The only constant comfort he has is Luke's hand on the back of his neck, his thigh, his back. It keeps him grounded.
When Susan and Reid come through the swinging doors, Noah knows from their faces that it's not good news.
Chloe has a bacterial infection, it spread to her liver and kidney. They think they've caught it in time and hope the aggressive round of antibiotics they've administered will get it under control. Reid takes Noah aside and lays it down in his blunt way, hand on his shoulder the only show of their friendship. He squeezes when he says that the infection might have damaged some of Chloe's organs. They won't know until it's cleared up.
She hasn't woken up yet and Reid doesn't know when she will. Her little body is exhausted.
“She's a fighter, Noah.”
He nods blankly, asks if he can see her. When he passes Luke, he stops and holds his hand out. Luke pauses before grasping it tightly and Noah leads them both to the room. His shock to see Chloe, hooked up to so many different machines, isn't something he can explain.
He moves haltingly closer, sits on the chair provided and holds her little hand in his. “She looks so small.”
Luke's hands fall on his back, chin resting on Noah's head, he whispers reassurances between kisses. Noah lets them flow over him.
“I should have seen it.”
“Noah.”
“I'm her dad. I should have paid more attention.”
Luke kneels down, takes Noah's chin in his fingers and makes him meet his gaze. “You are a good father, Noah Mayer. You love Chloe and she loves you. This -” he waves around them “- is not a situation anyone can predict, okay?”
Noah nods, tears falling and Luke buries his face in Noah's chest, holds him through the useless feelings.
Chloe doesn't wake up in the next three days and Noah's hope leaves him in increments. He talks to her, tells her the silly stories she likes to hear. Brings the cards Ethan makes her and places them where she can see them when she opens her eyes. He only leaves in fifteen-minute breaks until finally Luke walks in the room, followed by Lily and Emma, holding an overnight bag in her hands.
Reid makes up the end of what Noah thinks is an intervention.
“I'm not leaving.”
Reid gives an exasperated sigh, reaches for Noah's arm and hauls him up. “You're not going to be any good to her when she does wake up, Noah, if you're admitted here for exhaustion.”
He starts to argue and Luke raises an eyebrow getting his attention. “Don't think he won't do it, Noah.”
They stare hard at each other until Noah can't take it anymore, his shoulder's slumping and he brushes a hand through Chloe's hair, bends to kiss her head, and whispers, “I'll be back soon, baby.”
He steps out of the room with Luke on his heels. They walk to the car in silence. They drive with no words said. His eyelids droop as they pass the quiet streets and by the time they reach Lily's house, Noah can barely keep his eyes open. Luke guides him to the bedroom, sits him down and starts to undo Noah's shirt. He wishes he could enjoy it more, Luke touching him, but grief and weariness don't let him. He follows Luke's soft instructions, raising and lowering his arms to get his shirt off. Moves his legs when Luke pulls at his jeans. He climbs under the sheets, head on the pillow that smells so much like Luke and his eyes fall close immediately. The bed dips as Luke starts to get up but he's awake enough to snake a hand out and stop him.
“Stay.” He hears himself mumble and drifts off into the dark of sleep.
Noah's eyes flutter open hours later, the early morning light slanting through the blinds. The warmth at his back is familiar and he shifts to get closer. Luke's arm is flung over his waist, his face tucked into the back of Noah's neck, breath moist against his skin. It's like he's back before all the years and mistakes and fear got in the way. His cock is hard and leaking. Noah thinks it's the worst decision to make even as he flips over, rolls onto Luke and brushes their mouths together. He takes his time, licks and bites on Luke's lower lip, samples the taste that is at once the same and completely different. He knows the moment Luke wakes up, his body going rigid and then he melts into the bed, hands delving into Noah's hair, opens up for him immediately.
Noah lets out a long moan when Luke rolls his hips, their cocks grinding together, hot and hard. Luke tears his mouth away, head falling back into the pillow, neck exposed, and that's an invitation Noah has never been able to turn down. He nips at the exposed tendons, laves his tongue over the corded muscles, and grunts out a surprised sound when Luke's hand dives into his boxers, wraps around his dick, twists over the head. They move together in a frantic pace, desperate and hungry. The noises they make are cut off in between scorching kisses and Noah doesn't remember it being like this.
It's Luke's voice that reaches through the haze of want that Noah is lost in. He stops moving, grabs for Noah's head, tugs it up so Noah can focus on his face.
“Baby, your phone is ringing.”
It like a bucket of ice cold water and Noah pulls away, grabs for the ringing cell, breathless “Hello” that cracks as he thinks that something went wrong.
“Noah?”
Reid's voice shoves the last remnants of Noah's desire away. He rises to his feet, looks around the room for his jeans. “What happened? Is she...I'll be right there.”
“Noah. Noah. Calm down. Listen to me.” Reid waits for Noah to sound like he is actually paying attention before he says, “She woke up, Noah. It looks like she's going to be fine.”
He almost drops the phone, turns his gaze to Luke's wide, scared one and then he smiles slowly, his eyes never leaving Luke's. “Are you sure?”
“Susan and I want to run a few more tests to make sure but yes. I think she's going to be fine. You and Luke need to get here. She's asking for you both.”
“We'll be right there.”
He doesn't have to ask Luke anything, he's already moving for his clothes, and Noah thinks that they can talk after this is over.
They can figure it all out once they've seen Chloe, once everything has calmed down.
~~~*~~~
Luke can't breathe but he fakes it well. He follows Noah to the hospital in separate cars stating that he knows Noah will want to stay the night. He gets a confused look but Noah only nods and heads to his SUV.
He is grateful for the time in the car to get himself together. What had almost happened between them was like every dream Luke has had for the last few years.
Except it's not real.
The irrational part of his mind tells him that the stress, the fear, their proximity had caused that. That it wasn't Noah that wanted Luke more than it was that he needed someone to ease all the pain he was having. His more rational side tells Luke he's being a coward and is looking for an excuse.
He doesn't listen to that side often unfortunately.
They reach the hospital and Noah tugs Luke along, rushes past everyone waiting around Chloe's room and when they enter, they find her sitting in Holden's lap, pointing a picture in the book he's reading her.
“That's a horse, Grandpa.”
Holden grins big, crinkles his nose at her and she giggles. “That's right, CloJo. Like the smelly ones in the barn at the farm.”
“MyLuke has a horse.” She looks up then, tired eyes finding them at the door, and her face breaks out into a wide grin. “Daddy! MyLuke!”
He watches Noah run to her side, taking her from Holden as he slides out of the bed. When he passes Luke, he squeezes his shoulder and closes the door quietly as he leaves. Luke stares at Noah and Chloe on the bed. There's a tug in his chest, the sharp intense love he has for them wants to burst out and he thinks that he doesn't know what to do with that kind of gift.
He can't possible deserve any of it.
When they look up at him, matching grins of love and happiness, Luke forces his feet to stay in place.
He doesn't know what to do.
~~~*~~~
He ends up at Yo's.
He pauses at the door, chokes on the smell of smoke and alcohol, mouth waters instantly and he closes his eyes.
Feet take him to the bar and he places a trembling hand on the counter, looks up into familiar eyes. Joe blinks at him, surprised.
“Luke, what are you doing here, man?”
His voice holds a note of accusation, sends Luke's defenses up but when he opens his mouth all he can say is “I don't know.”
That earns him a different kind of look.
His eyes follow the glass that Joe hands a waiting customer and he wants to tackle it out of his grip. He can taste the yeasty flavor on tongue already, how it would shoot through his blood and push his doubts away.
Turning away, he forces his steps back to the door, opens it and once his on the other side, leans back against it, pulling his phone out. He pushes the speed dial button and waits until it's answered. “I need you.”
Half an hour later, he sits in Java, forehead on the cool surface of the table.
“What do you mean you don't know what to do?” Alan says, sipping his water, narrowed gaze on Luke.
“Did I stutter, man?” Luke bangs his head on the table, keeps one hand on his coffee as he does to keep it from spilling. “I have no idea where to go.”
He looks up when he's met with silence and Alan has that look – disappointed and frustrated. Luke hates that look.
“What?”
“There's nothing to do, Luke. You're doing it. You love them. That's all there is.”
“But I – Alan, I don't know how to handle that.”
“You don't know how to handle what?”
“Love.”
Luke thinks it's ridiculous but it's the truth. For all the times he accused Noah of not knowing love, of not being able to accept it, it was him in the end who didn't. He wanted too much and, when it was perfect, he couldn't handle it. His father's “death” had proved to him what he thought he knew: everything he loved was taken away from him.
“I don't think I follow.”
“I love them too much. I'm not supposed to have that.”
“Says who?”
“The world! My past! I fuck it up every time.”
Alan shakes his head, leans forward, and grabs Luke's hands. “Nothing is guaranteed in life, buddy, okay? Yeah, it sucks sometimes. We make mistakes, hurt the people we love but that doesn't mean we don't keep trying.”
He makes Luke look at him.
“Do you know what made you go into Yo's today? It isn't loving them. It's the fact that you aren't letting yourself love them. Keeping that kind of emotion in, Luke. It's not good.”
It makes sense but he can't get past that image in his head of what Noah would look like when Luke disappoints him again. He can't survive the same look on Chloe's face.
“They're better off.”
Alan stares at him hard, nods slow. “If you can't see how wrong that is, then maybe you're right.”
~~~*~~~
~October 2015~
He waits six months for Luke.
Noah thinks that's long enough to let him sort out his feelings. Their lives go back to what they were before Chloe got sick. Her second birthday passes without incident and Noah breathes a sigh of relief. He can't take any more drama than what they already have on a daily basis. It's never boring living in Oakdale.
They all have to recover from the huge storm that they get swept into when Reid and Chris go public with their relationship. Alison has especially taken it hard since she'd been holding hope when Chris had broken up with Katie abruptly. Noah tries to warn her but she doesn't listen.
It's actually Katie that causes the most problem.
Noah's not sure if the friendship she had with Reid will recover from it but he's happy for his friend. Reid smiles more now than Noah remembers him ever doing before. Which actually means once every couple of weeks as opposed to every blue moon.
The Hugheses are taking it as well as they could.
He'd tried to gauge how Luke felt about it. Two years with Reid had been significant for him. He had seemed the least surprised in the end.
Noah figures he knew more than he's letting on.
So, life goes on.
Chloe recovers beautifully and is running around the farm, coming into her version of the Terrible Twos and Noah winces when Emma pats his shoulder and tells him that she's actually not so bad.
He really can't imagine.
He keeps busy, the station expanding with some new shows. He undertakes re-painting the barn and cons Aaron into helping him. It becomes a huge project with several Snyders helping in varying degrees. It's sort of what they do.
And he waits.
It has to be Luke's decision. This is clear and he repeats it to himself any time he finds his gaze wandering to Luke's hands, his mouth, his face. He leaves the door open. Luke just needs to walk through it.
He can wait.
As long as Chloe is happy, as long as they're moving to the same point together, Noah thinks he can wait.
Until Casey tells him about Yo's.
“Joe told me he didn't actually drink, Noah.”
Noah swallows. “When was this?”
Casey looks uncomfortable and says. “Back when Chloe was in the hospital?”
Something feels like it breaks and Noah closes his eyes. Luke won't tell him anything but he knows someone who will. He had felt Luke slipping away and he should have known.
“I can't tell you what we talked about, Noah, you know that.”
He nods at Alan. “I know.” Alan relaxes and Noah says quietly. “He's scared, isn't it? That's what drove him?” He doesn't need Alan to answer, the look on his face is enough.
That was all Noah needs.
He doesn't know what to do but he knows that he needs some distance. When he gets a call from Gabe offering him a position as head of their production company, Noah takes it. The contract is for a year while Gabe and his partner film their documentary. He thinks it's enough time for them.
He breaks it to Holden first because he's going to need someone to back him up when he takes Chloe away.
Holden takes it as well as Noah expected.
“This isn't your best idea, Noah.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“Don't give me that, kiddo. You know Lily is going to freak out. Mama is going to cry for weeks. And Luke...Luke is going to get really mad at you.” Holden gives him an assessing look. “I assume you didn't even talk to him about it, did you?”
Noah shakes his head. “He's scared.” He holds his hand up and Holden waits. “This isn't...it's not like before. When I left because he couldn't love me without it hurting him. He loves me. I know that. He adores Chloe. But this has to be Luke's decision. I can't force him to be with me when he's not ready for it. Even if it's what he wants. He needs to be able to trust that he deserves it.”
Holden shakes his head. “And you think you leaving will do that?”
Noah nods. “Luke has changed a lot over the years but he is essentially the same stubborn boy I met. If you push him, he resists. If you let him be, he finds his own way.” Noah smiles as he looks at Holden. “He lost his way once before because I couldn't let him do that. I don't want to make that same mistake.”
Holden wants to argue but he can't. Noah was right.
Luke has to come to this on his own.
He has to believe.
~~~*~~~
~January 2016~
Luke wishes he could stay angry with Noah for more than a week at a time. It would have made it so much easier to not participate in letting him walk out of his life. No matter how many times Noah told him that it wasn't the case, Luke is pretty sure it is. He's moving back to California. For a year, maybe more.
And he's taking Chloe with him.
He almost smiles when he thinks how his mom and Emma had tried to get Noah to let them keep her. He had stayed out of that argument because anyone who saw Noah with his daughter knew better.
When he'd announced his plans, the family had cleared the room at the look on Luke's face. It hadn't been a pretty fight and Luke regrets a lot of things he said but in the end what Noah said to him actually managed to get through.
It was all Luke's decision.
If he had been ready right then, Noah would have stayed. It wouldn't have mattered what job he had or where they lived, he would stayed for Luke.
He realizes that he might be lying when he says he's not. He's letting his fear get the best of him but there's too much at stake. Noah loved him despite the years that had passed. Chloe was everything good that could happen to Luke. But they weren't his and he couldn't take the chance on what he could do to them.
“You need to believe.” Noah says to him, hands buried in his pockets. “I'm going to be waiting when you get to where I am.” He leans down, kisses his mouth hard and rubs his face against Luke's cheek. “Get ready for us, baby.”
He closes his eyes and watches him walk around to the driver's side of his rented truck. He moves to the open back door and leans across the expanse of the seat to drop kisses on Chloe's head, through the fabric of her purple and pink hat. “I love you, CloJo.”
She grins up at him, brings one hand to her mouth and makes a smacking noise. “Right at you, MyLuke.” When he starts to move away, she makes a sad sound and he touches their heads together.
“I promise I'll get there, sweetie. I swear.” His eyes finds Noah's in the rear view mirror, catches the way they glint softly with everything they haven't said yet but he thinks they will.
He backs away, closing the door, and patting the side of the truck to let Noah know it's ready to go.
Luke watches from the porch as the truck winds down the road, disappears around the corner until all that's left is the tracks in the snow.
|Part Five|
Author(s):
freakykatRating: NC-17
Characters/Pairings: Luke Snyder/Noah Mayer
Summary: I don't wanna dream about all the things that never were.
|Prologue|Part One|Part Two|Part Three|
Part Four
~Oakdale, April 2014~
Settling back into his life in Oakdale is a lot easier than Noah expects and if he'd had the time to think about it, to worry about what it could mean for him and Luke, he might not think that. It's too much to deal with the swirl of emotions he feels whenever he looks at Luke.
He tries not to focus on having Luke back in his life every day. It takes Noah a full week not to want to physically react to Luke's presence at the breakfast table. His defenses aren't quite in place yet, sleep-fogged and pliable, so he would lean into Luke's warmth whenever he was around, stare at his hands as he ate, lose himself in the rumble of his voice as he talked to Ethan or Emma. It was a little like torture of the sweetest kind.
It's simpler after they get a routine.
Chloe and Noah move into Holden and Lily's old bedroom, despite every protest Noah made about it, settle into learning how to live with the Snyder brood. He can't imagine what it's like for a baby. There's always a lot of noise, clutter, laughter, life going on around them.
Chloe thrives in the environment.
She loves the entire family.
He tries not to see more into it when she bonds instantly with Luke. It makes his heart wrench when she grins at Luke anytime he walks in the room, her little legs flailing, arms reaching out for him. Luke's face lights up each time like it's never happened before.
He thinks it should be a disappointment after all the years in California. The parties, press, the non-stop drive of making a film. Gabe calls a few times to make sure he's not coming back and when Noah tells him that he isn't, he sends his unfinished script with a note attached. It says whenever he's ready to make it, they'd be ready to back him up.
Noah hides the script in his desk drawer and only feels a twinge whenever he remembers it's there.
He's not giving up, he tells Case, when he asks him about his dreams.
He's readjusting.
It's not like managing WOAK doesn't keep Noah on his toes every day. He almost prefers the insane schedule of shooting a film, the random crazy of actors and crew then he does having to deal with Katie Perretti-Snyder. She had seen him as a threat from the beginning and it had taken Noah a week to figure out that it was personal more than professional.
She was Reid's best friend. Noah isn't really sure how that could have happened because they have absolutely nothing in common but he doesn't ask about that.
They manage to get along well enough for the first couple of months, mostly because Noah doesn't want to rock the boat so he gives her leeway.
Until he doesn't.
After two weeks of constant interference and outright disrespect, Noah puts his foot down, raises his voice to a woman for the first time in his life, and threatens her for real. He doesn't care what he has to do but he isn't joking when he tells he'll find a replacement.
She storms off the set, makes the staff rush around to find a way to fill the time and they end up airing a re-run.
He comes home early, mood foul, slamming the door before he remembers Chloe might be taking a nap. He looks chagrined at the glare he receives from Emma, apologizes quietly, and feels even worse when she waves it away, pats his cheek as she walks into the other room. He pauses on the stairs, takes a cleansing breath before he makes his way up to his room.
He freezes at the door.
Luke is lying on his bed, Chloe in his arms, humming softly into her hair. When he realizes Noah is there, he starts to smile, stops when their eyes meet, brow furrowing, and mouths, “What's wrong?”
Noah just wants to crawl into the bed, wrap his arms around the two people he loves more than anything in the world and forget that he has to deal with the fallout of today.
Before he can think twice about it, he moves across the room, chucks his jacket aside, toes his shoes off and climbs into bed. Luke's eyes widen slightly when Noah lays facing him, hand reaching out to settle on his daughter’s back, running the palm gently up and down.
He feels Luke watching him.
“Talk to me.”
It's a soft command, firm and Noah responds. He tells Luke about his problems at work, how it's making it harder to make the difference he wants there. He talks about his fear that he'll fail and let Kim down. Let himself down. He keeps his eyes on Chloe's sleeping face when he tells Luke that he thinks he's screwing her up for life. That he isn't equipped to do this.
“Noah. She loves you like crazy.”
He doesn't say anything, just continues to move his palm over her back, brushing Luke's hands as he goes.
“Do you see the way her face lights up when you walk in a room? She's a happy little girl. With a dad who moved heaven and earth to make a stable home. She's surrounded by love and family. Every single one of us would do whatever we had to for her. For the both of you.” One of Luke's hands moves to stop Noah's, thumb caressing over the skin and he has to tamp down a shiver from running down his spine.
“You're not doing anything wrong.”
Noah wants to believe that. He wakes up nights, afraid that he might lose the scrap of happiness he's found now. He didn't realize that it was just that, happiness, for some time. Hadn't known that he'd only been gliding along in his life before Chloe...before coming back home. Before being with Luke in his life every day. He's scared that someone will take them both away. That he'll let that slip from his grasp.
He closes his fingers around Luke's, settles their hands on Chloe's small back, and wishes harder than he ever has that he can keep what he has.
~~~*~~~
~August 2014~
Luke lowers his head to the table, lets out a low groan and doesn't notice the way Noah pauses for a second by the sink.
“Who knew that a one-year-old's birthday party could be that crazy?”
“You have met your family, right?”
He lets a laugh escape, rolls his head back to relieve the tension, face darkens slightly. “What the hell was Damian thinking?”
Noah makes a derisive sound, glances back at him. “I really don't think he was.”
That was true. A drunk Damian had crashed Chloe's first birthday party in the hopes of seeing Lily. His part in Holden's disappearance had finally proven to Lily that Damian was never going to be the man she needed. The ensuing argument had caused her to lose the baby that was the only link keeping them together. Almost a year later, a divorce, and Lily's intense hatred hadn't deterred Damian.
Luke hoped this time he would actually understand.
“Where did Casey and Hunter take him?” Noah asks, rinsing the plate in his hand before setting it down to dry. Luke manages to get to his feet, reaching for a dry towel to help.
“Lakeview. I think Mom was going to go talk to him. Maybe get him to finally leave.”
Noah shakes his head then winces and Luke stops to glare at him. “It's still bothering you?”
“I'll be okay.”
“Yeah, you could be bleeding on the floor and you'd say you were okay. Come here.” He lets the towel fall to the counter, brings his hands to Noah's shoulders, rolls the skin under fingers as he puts pressure right in the nook where Noah's neck meets his shoulders.
He realizes this is a bad idea.
It's like magnets, the way their bodies come together and Luke finds himself plastered against Noah's back. He can hear the intake of Noah's breath when he runs his hands down his arms, plants his forehead in between Noah's shoulder blades. They've been threading around each other more each day and it's left Luke lost. He brushes his hard cock against Noah's jeans, moans without meaning to and Noah shudders under his hands.
“Luke...”
It's choked off, wrecked and wanting enough to make Luke forget the reasons they haven't allowed this.
They jump when someone clears their throat and he pulls away when he notices Reid in the doorway. He holds up a wrapped gift, pins Luke down with his stare.
“It looks like I might be too late for the party.”
Luke almost laughs at that and turns away, steps back from Noah before he can.
It leaves him feeling empty.
~~~*~~~
~Thanksgiving 2014~
Noah studies the table around him, feels the warmth and love radiating in the room, makes a face at Chloe when she looks up at him. She gives a peal of laughter, claps her messy hands together and his heart expands twice as much. He's not sure if he can take all this aimed at him.
His eyes meet Luke's over her head and he grins, winks at Noah before spooning another bit of pumpkin mush into Chloe's mouth. She raspberries it out at Ethan who gives a loud laugh, setting her off again.
The rest of the family sit in varying degrees of fullness, chatting quietly or starting the process of cleaning up. Noah thinks he should help but the content state he's in doesn't let him move his feet at all. Meg and Eliza are slow dancing on the other end of the room, their giggles mingled with soft music. Emma and Lucinda speak in hushed tones at one side of the table. He watches Lily and Holden smile at each other, neither aware of that look on their faces. Everyone else has wandered somewhere else and he thinks that he should be careful when he steps into the living room. He's pretty sure Casey and Maddie snuck in there to do things he'd rather not think about. It's just too weird for him even after all this time. He guesses it was that way for her back in the day.
He can't help but watch Luke cajole Chloe into finishing her pie, amazed at how he can manage to get her to do that when no one else, not even Noah himself is able to. Luke cleans off her hands with the damp towel Lily hands him, wipes at her mouth until he's satisfied and then pulls her out of the high chair. Chloe's hands frame Luke's face and she leans in, smacks her mouth against his cheek and squeals out “MyLuke!”
He's pretty sure he's to blame for that. But...
Noah thinks that Luke's face every time she says it is something he can look at forever.
She turns to Noah and points, grins and calls him over. “Daddy!”
The first two words she'd ever said and he refuses to believe Casey's theory that maybe the universe is trying to tell Noah something. Casey's been talking about the universe and destiny ever since Maddie had given him a second chance.
Noah thinks people in love are annoying.
“What's up, baby?”
She grins at him, waves before Ethan distracts her with his new toy. He watches Luke carry her into the parlor, Ethan at his heels and smiles wide. Warm and fuzzy feelings running through him.
He really missed this.
Reid and Tony enter through the back door, arguing over some sport's game and what plays should have been, what was unfair, blah, blah. His eyes follow Reid as he heads to the counter. The awkward moment from months ago forgotten because that's just the way it works with them. There's an inkling in the back of his mind that he doesn't really understand Reid and Luke's relationship like he thinks he does.
He holds back a laugh when Lily rolls her eyes as Reid cuts another piece of pie, biting it off right there, munching with such delight that Noah is sure Reid's real love is food. Nothing seems to compare to that.
“I swear to god, Oliver, you have a hollow leg.” Noah calls out as he walks toward the parlor.
Reid glances up at him, smirks as he half wiggles his left leg and when Noah pauses to stare at him, he says, “Just making room”
The burst of laughter sends a pleasant buzz through his heart as he walks away.
~~~*~~~
~Christmas 2014~
Luke grips onto the large bag of gifts as he enters the room. He rues the day he lost the bet with Casey.
Everyone yells out when he appears around the corner and he notices Ethan roll his eyes when he sees him.
“I know it's you, Luke.”
Casey and Tony burst into drunken laughter. Luke forgives them because it's the holiday and he has a kind spirit, god damn it. Eliza seems wary of him, sitting back on her mother's lap when he approaches. He thinks this is a stupid idea and that maybe his dad should have done it this year.
It's when Chloe hides her face in Noah's shoulder, starts to cry a little that he can't stand it anymore. He pulls the hat and beard off, flings them to the side as he says her name. At his voice, she peeks out, grinning when she recognizes him. “MyLuke.”
That always makes him want to cry. He doesn't understand how she learned his name that way though Casey suspects that Noah might have had something to do with it. He's right of course but Luke never tells him that. Noah smiles at them and when Luke glances up, he can't help but take in his face, the way his gaze flicks between Luke's mouth and his eyes. He holds his breath, waits for Noah to do something.
It's Faith who says what Luke is thinking.
“Hey. Mistletoe, you two. Kiss! Kiss!”
Luke glances even further up, sees it hanging over their heads, starts to tell his sister to shut up when Noah's lips are on his. He sucks in a breath, leans into Noah, eyes closing with a hum. His hands move up and he's touching Noah's face, sparks of electricity shooting through his fingertips down his arms, legs, chest until the heat threatens to turn him into a pile of ashes.
When he pulls back, Noah's eyes flicker open slowly. There's a lull of conversation around them, like the room is holding its breath.
Luke smiles, wipes his thumb over Noah's lips, ignores the darkening of his eyes and turns to give Chloe a kiss on the temple, her smile wide back at him.
“Merry Christmas.”
~~~*~~~
~February 2015~
“I don't think that we're thinking this through.”
Reid turns to him and Luke expects that familiar smile that seems to hurt him every time he's on the receiving end of it.
“Don't be an idiot.”
Luke scowls, rubs his hand over his face. “Reid, we've been good. What we have, it works for us.”
“Does it?” Reid meets his eyes, makes Luke really see him and he catches the exhaustion on Reid's face, in the slope of his shoulders. He puts up a good front but Luke knows him better than most. He loves Reid. Not like he does Noah because that's impossible, he thinks. But like he does everyone else in his life. He doesn't want to lose him. Reid helped Luke find his way.
“I care about you, Reid. This wasn't – I wasn't trying to make you be someone you couldn't be.”
Reid nods, shifts so he can face Luke. “I know that. And you know I care about you. But I was trying to hide.” His face twists into a mix of pain and resignation. “I couldn't face not having what I wanted.”
Luke doesn't know all the details about what went down between Reid and Chris Hughes. He knows enough to think that neither one them had been ready for the hugeness of what love could be. He still isn't sure how that could work. Chris Hughes' coming out was an even bigger deal than Luke's. Maybe because it had happened so late in life. Because he'd hidden that part of who he was away and Luke thinks Chris might have actually succeeded in keeping it that way if Reid hadn't shown up in town.
“Is he willing to be with you?”
Reid shakes his head. “It's not about Chris. It's not even about Noah.”
Luke looks skeptical. “Then what is it?”
“We were never meant to be anything more than the friends we are, Luke. Whatever happened with us was born out of loneliness. It's not what it turned into because –“
Luke reaches for Reid's hand, clasps it in his. “Yeah.”
He leans his head on his friend's shoulder. “If I ever made you feel less...”
Reid's shoulder shakes and he presses back against Luke. “Not possible, Snyder.”
“How did I mange to put up with you this long?”
“The sex was pretty fucking good.”
Luke laughs, buries his face in Reid's sleeve but doesn't say anything. After a minute, Reid nudges him and he looks up.
“It's different now, Luke. You know that. He's not the reason you won't make it. At least not in the same way.”
Luke doesn't respond.
~~~*~~~
~April 2015~
Noah remembers that it's wrong to think your life is going perfectly when Chloe gets sick.
At first, he doesn't worry about it more than he normally would. She's had colds before and it's that time of year.
That changes quickly when her fever spikes and she throws up all over Luke. He rushes downstairs to call Reid while Luke draws a cool bath, tries to bring down her temperature. Chloe cries harder than Noah has ever seen her cry before. She calls for him between giant gulps of air and he holds her tight. When she falls silent, he doesn't think twice, runs down the stairs. He stumbles and Holden catches him, grabs Chloe before she falls, and Noah wants to resist. He can't let go of her.
“Let me drive, Noah.”
He doesn't argue, rushes into the backseat and Holden places Chloe on his lap, belting them both in. Luke sits next to him, one hand on Noah's arm the other on Chloe's head, threading fingers through her damp hair.
Reid is waiting in the ER when they come to a stop at the entrance. He reaches in for Chloe and turns, disappearing through the doors. The rest of the hour is a blur of papers to fill out, staring at the moving hands of the clock, and cups of stale coffee. The only constant comfort he has is Luke's hand on the back of his neck, his thigh, his back. It keeps him grounded.
When Susan and Reid come through the swinging doors, Noah knows from their faces that it's not good news.
Chloe has a bacterial infection, it spread to her liver and kidney. They think they've caught it in time and hope the aggressive round of antibiotics they've administered will get it under control. Reid takes Noah aside and lays it down in his blunt way, hand on his shoulder the only show of their friendship. He squeezes when he says that the infection might have damaged some of Chloe's organs. They won't know until it's cleared up.
She hasn't woken up yet and Reid doesn't know when she will. Her little body is exhausted.
“She's a fighter, Noah.”
He nods blankly, asks if he can see her. When he passes Luke, he stops and holds his hand out. Luke pauses before grasping it tightly and Noah leads them both to the room. His shock to see Chloe, hooked up to so many different machines, isn't something he can explain.
He moves haltingly closer, sits on the chair provided and holds her little hand in his. “She looks so small.”
Luke's hands fall on his back, chin resting on Noah's head, he whispers reassurances between kisses. Noah lets them flow over him.
“I should have seen it.”
“Noah.”
“I'm her dad. I should have paid more attention.”
Luke kneels down, takes Noah's chin in his fingers and makes him meet his gaze. “You are a good father, Noah Mayer. You love Chloe and she loves you. This -” he waves around them “- is not a situation anyone can predict, okay?”
Noah nods, tears falling and Luke buries his face in Noah's chest, holds him through the useless feelings.
Chloe doesn't wake up in the next three days and Noah's hope leaves him in increments. He talks to her, tells her the silly stories she likes to hear. Brings the cards Ethan makes her and places them where she can see them when she opens her eyes. He only leaves in fifteen-minute breaks until finally Luke walks in the room, followed by Lily and Emma, holding an overnight bag in her hands.
Reid makes up the end of what Noah thinks is an intervention.
“I'm not leaving.”
Reid gives an exasperated sigh, reaches for Noah's arm and hauls him up. “You're not going to be any good to her when she does wake up, Noah, if you're admitted here for exhaustion.”
He starts to argue and Luke raises an eyebrow getting his attention. “Don't think he won't do it, Noah.”
They stare hard at each other until Noah can't take it anymore, his shoulder's slumping and he brushes a hand through Chloe's hair, bends to kiss her head, and whispers, “I'll be back soon, baby.”
He steps out of the room with Luke on his heels. They walk to the car in silence. They drive with no words said. His eyelids droop as they pass the quiet streets and by the time they reach Lily's house, Noah can barely keep his eyes open. Luke guides him to the bedroom, sits him down and starts to undo Noah's shirt. He wishes he could enjoy it more, Luke touching him, but grief and weariness don't let him. He follows Luke's soft instructions, raising and lowering his arms to get his shirt off. Moves his legs when Luke pulls at his jeans. He climbs under the sheets, head on the pillow that smells so much like Luke and his eyes fall close immediately. The bed dips as Luke starts to get up but he's awake enough to snake a hand out and stop him.
“Stay.” He hears himself mumble and drifts off into the dark of sleep.
Noah's eyes flutter open hours later, the early morning light slanting through the blinds. The warmth at his back is familiar and he shifts to get closer. Luke's arm is flung over his waist, his face tucked into the back of Noah's neck, breath moist against his skin. It's like he's back before all the years and mistakes and fear got in the way. His cock is hard and leaking. Noah thinks it's the worst decision to make even as he flips over, rolls onto Luke and brushes their mouths together. He takes his time, licks and bites on Luke's lower lip, samples the taste that is at once the same and completely different. He knows the moment Luke wakes up, his body going rigid and then he melts into the bed, hands delving into Noah's hair, opens up for him immediately.
Noah lets out a long moan when Luke rolls his hips, their cocks grinding together, hot and hard. Luke tears his mouth away, head falling back into the pillow, neck exposed, and that's an invitation Noah has never been able to turn down. He nips at the exposed tendons, laves his tongue over the corded muscles, and grunts out a surprised sound when Luke's hand dives into his boxers, wraps around his dick, twists over the head. They move together in a frantic pace, desperate and hungry. The noises they make are cut off in between scorching kisses and Noah doesn't remember it being like this.
It's Luke's voice that reaches through the haze of want that Noah is lost in. He stops moving, grabs for Noah's head, tugs it up so Noah can focus on his face.
“Baby, your phone is ringing.”
It like a bucket of ice cold water and Noah pulls away, grabs for the ringing cell, breathless “Hello” that cracks as he thinks that something went wrong.
“Noah?”
Reid's voice shoves the last remnants of Noah's desire away. He rises to his feet, looks around the room for his jeans. “What happened? Is she...I'll be right there.”
“Noah. Noah. Calm down. Listen to me.” Reid waits for Noah to sound like he is actually paying attention before he says, “She woke up, Noah. It looks like she's going to be fine.”
He almost drops the phone, turns his gaze to Luke's wide, scared one and then he smiles slowly, his eyes never leaving Luke's. “Are you sure?”
“Susan and I want to run a few more tests to make sure but yes. I think she's going to be fine. You and Luke need to get here. She's asking for you both.”
“We'll be right there.”
He doesn't have to ask Luke anything, he's already moving for his clothes, and Noah thinks that they can talk after this is over.
They can figure it all out once they've seen Chloe, once everything has calmed down.
~~~*~~~
Luke can't breathe but he fakes it well. He follows Noah to the hospital in separate cars stating that he knows Noah will want to stay the night. He gets a confused look but Noah only nods and heads to his SUV.
He is grateful for the time in the car to get himself together. What had almost happened between them was like every dream Luke has had for the last few years.
Except it's not real.
The irrational part of his mind tells him that the stress, the fear, their proximity had caused that. That it wasn't Noah that wanted Luke more than it was that he needed someone to ease all the pain he was having. His more rational side tells Luke he's being a coward and is looking for an excuse.
He doesn't listen to that side often unfortunately.
They reach the hospital and Noah tugs Luke along, rushes past everyone waiting around Chloe's room and when they enter, they find her sitting in Holden's lap, pointing a picture in the book he's reading her.
“That's a horse, Grandpa.”
Holden grins big, crinkles his nose at her and she giggles. “That's right, CloJo. Like the smelly ones in the barn at the farm.”
“MyLuke has a horse.” She looks up then, tired eyes finding them at the door, and her face breaks out into a wide grin. “Daddy! MyLuke!”
He watches Noah run to her side, taking her from Holden as he slides out of the bed. When he passes Luke, he squeezes his shoulder and closes the door quietly as he leaves. Luke stares at Noah and Chloe on the bed. There's a tug in his chest, the sharp intense love he has for them wants to burst out and he thinks that he doesn't know what to do with that kind of gift.
He can't possible deserve any of it.
When they look up at him, matching grins of love and happiness, Luke forces his feet to stay in place.
He doesn't know what to do.
~~~*~~~
He ends up at Yo's.
He pauses at the door, chokes on the smell of smoke and alcohol, mouth waters instantly and he closes his eyes.
Feet take him to the bar and he places a trembling hand on the counter, looks up into familiar eyes. Joe blinks at him, surprised.
“Luke, what are you doing here, man?”
His voice holds a note of accusation, sends Luke's defenses up but when he opens his mouth all he can say is “I don't know.”
That earns him a different kind of look.
His eyes follow the glass that Joe hands a waiting customer and he wants to tackle it out of his grip. He can taste the yeasty flavor on tongue already, how it would shoot through his blood and push his doubts away.
Turning away, he forces his steps back to the door, opens it and once his on the other side, leans back against it, pulling his phone out. He pushes the speed dial button and waits until it's answered. “I need you.”
Half an hour later, he sits in Java, forehead on the cool surface of the table.
“What do you mean you don't know what to do?” Alan says, sipping his water, narrowed gaze on Luke.
“Did I stutter, man?” Luke bangs his head on the table, keeps one hand on his coffee as he does to keep it from spilling. “I have no idea where to go.”
He looks up when he's met with silence and Alan has that look – disappointed and frustrated. Luke hates that look.
“What?”
“There's nothing to do, Luke. You're doing it. You love them. That's all there is.”
“But I – Alan, I don't know how to handle that.”
“You don't know how to handle what?”
“Love.”
Luke thinks it's ridiculous but it's the truth. For all the times he accused Noah of not knowing love, of not being able to accept it, it was him in the end who didn't. He wanted too much and, when it was perfect, he couldn't handle it. His father's “death” had proved to him what he thought he knew: everything he loved was taken away from him.
“I don't think I follow.”
“I love them too much. I'm not supposed to have that.”
“Says who?”
“The world! My past! I fuck it up every time.”
Alan shakes his head, leans forward, and grabs Luke's hands. “Nothing is guaranteed in life, buddy, okay? Yeah, it sucks sometimes. We make mistakes, hurt the people we love but that doesn't mean we don't keep trying.”
He makes Luke look at him.
“Do you know what made you go into Yo's today? It isn't loving them. It's the fact that you aren't letting yourself love them. Keeping that kind of emotion in, Luke. It's not good.”
It makes sense but he can't get past that image in his head of what Noah would look like when Luke disappoints him again. He can't survive the same look on Chloe's face.
“They're better off.”
Alan stares at him hard, nods slow. “If you can't see how wrong that is, then maybe you're right.”
~~~*~~~
~October 2015~
He waits six months for Luke.
Noah thinks that's long enough to let him sort out his feelings. Their lives go back to what they were before Chloe got sick. Her second birthday passes without incident and Noah breathes a sigh of relief. He can't take any more drama than what they already have on a daily basis. It's never boring living in Oakdale.
They all have to recover from the huge storm that they get swept into when Reid and Chris go public with their relationship. Alison has especially taken it hard since she'd been holding hope when Chris had broken up with Katie abruptly. Noah tries to warn her but she doesn't listen.
It's actually Katie that causes the most problem.
Noah's not sure if the friendship she had with Reid will recover from it but he's happy for his friend. Reid smiles more now than Noah remembers him ever doing before. Which actually means once every couple of weeks as opposed to every blue moon.
The Hugheses are taking it as well as they could.
He'd tried to gauge how Luke felt about it. Two years with Reid had been significant for him. He had seemed the least surprised in the end.
Noah figures he knew more than he's letting on.
So, life goes on.
Chloe recovers beautifully and is running around the farm, coming into her version of the Terrible Twos and Noah winces when Emma pats his shoulder and tells him that she's actually not so bad.
He really can't imagine.
He keeps busy, the station expanding with some new shows. He undertakes re-painting the barn and cons Aaron into helping him. It becomes a huge project with several Snyders helping in varying degrees. It's sort of what they do.
And he waits.
It has to be Luke's decision. This is clear and he repeats it to himself any time he finds his gaze wandering to Luke's hands, his mouth, his face. He leaves the door open. Luke just needs to walk through it.
He can wait.
As long as Chloe is happy, as long as they're moving to the same point together, Noah thinks he can wait.
Until Casey tells him about Yo's.
“Joe told me he didn't actually drink, Noah.”
Noah swallows. “When was this?”
Casey looks uncomfortable and says. “Back when Chloe was in the hospital?”
Something feels like it breaks and Noah closes his eyes. Luke won't tell him anything but he knows someone who will. He had felt Luke slipping away and he should have known.
“I can't tell you what we talked about, Noah, you know that.”
He nods at Alan. “I know.” Alan relaxes and Noah says quietly. “He's scared, isn't it? That's what drove him?” He doesn't need Alan to answer, the look on his face is enough.
That was all Noah needs.
He doesn't know what to do but he knows that he needs some distance. When he gets a call from Gabe offering him a position as head of their production company, Noah takes it. The contract is for a year while Gabe and his partner film their documentary. He thinks it's enough time for them.
He breaks it to Holden first because he's going to need someone to back him up when he takes Chloe away.
Holden takes it as well as Noah expected.
“This isn't your best idea, Noah.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“Don't give me that, kiddo. You know Lily is going to freak out. Mama is going to cry for weeks. And Luke...Luke is going to get really mad at you.” Holden gives him an assessing look. “I assume you didn't even talk to him about it, did you?”
Noah shakes his head. “He's scared.” He holds his hand up and Holden waits. “This isn't...it's not like before. When I left because he couldn't love me without it hurting him. He loves me. I know that. He adores Chloe. But this has to be Luke's decision. I can't force him to be with me when he's not ready for it. Even if it's what he wants. He needs to be able to trust that he deserves it.”
Holden shakes his head. “And you think you leaving will do that?”
Noah nods. “Luke has changed a lot over the years but he is essentially the same stubborn boy I met. If you push him, he resists. If you let him be, he finds his own way.” Noah smiles as he looks at Holden. “He lost his way once before because I couldn't let him do that. I don't want to make that same mistake.”
Holden wants to argue but he can't. Noah was right.
Luke has to come to this on his own.
He has to believe.
~~~*~~~
~January 2016~
Luke wishes he could stay angry with Noah for more than a week at a time. It would have made it so much easier to not participate in letting him walk out of his life. No matter how many times Noah told him that it wasn't the case, Luke is pretty sure it is. He's moving back to California. For a year, maybe more.
And he's taking Chloe with him.
He almost smiles when he thinks how his mom and Emma had tried to get Noah to let them keep her. He had stayed out of that argument because anyone who saw Noah with his daughter knew better.
When he'd announced his plans, the family had cleared the room at the look on Luke's face. It hadn't been a pretty fight and Luke regrets a lot of things he said but in the end what Noah said to him actually managed to get through.
It was all Luke's decision.
If he had been ready right then, Noah would have stayed. It wouldn't have mattered what job he had or where they lived, he would stayed for Luke.
He realizes that he might be lying when he says he's not. He's letting his fear get the best of him but there's too much at stake. Noah loved him despite the years that had passed. Chloe was everything good that could happen to Luke. But they weren't his and he couldn't take the chance on what he could do to them.
“You need to believe.” Noah says to him, hands buried in his pockets. “I'm going to be waiting when you get to where I am.” He leans down, kisses his mouth hard and rubs his face against Luke's cheek. “Get ready for us, baby.”
He closes his eyes and watches him walk around to the driver's side of his rented truck. He moves to the open back door and leans across the expanse of the seat to drop kisses on Chloe's head, through the fabric of her purple and pink hat. “I love you, CloJo.”
She grins up at him, brings one hand to her mouth and makes a smacking noise. “Right at you, MyLuke.” When he starts to move away, she makes a sad sound and he touches their heads together.
“I promise I'll get there, sweetie. I swear.” His eyes finds Noah's in the rear view mirror, catches the way they glint softly with everything they haven't said yet but he thinks they will.
He backs away, closing the door, and patting the side of the truck to let Noah know it's ready to go.
Luke watches from the porch as the truck winds down the road, disappears around the corner until all that's left is the tracks in the snow.
|Part Five|
