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freakykatTitle: Drink You In [2/2]
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
freakykat
Pairing/Characters: Van/Jake
Rating: NC-17 (but not quite the full enchilada)
Word Count: 4135
Spoilers/Warnings: Not real? Little bit of angst.
Summary: He needed Jake in his life. Every day.
Disclaimer: I don't know either Jake or Van. This is entirely from my crazy RPS-ing mind. Not real. NOT. No offense meant so if this ain't your thing, don't read, please. Also, I make no money from this. Thanks.
Author's Notes: Written forbluejeanbaby01. Also for Van/Jake fanfic 100 prompt 039. Taste. Big thanks to jyl22075 and sweetiejelly for putting up with this craziness! Also, Mayah for the pushing of posting. Feedback appreciated. :)
Part One
Drinking You In
- Part Two -
August 2008
Van had no idea what had changed between him and Jake. It wasn’t anything he could pinpoint. They still hung out every chance they had in and out of the studio. Van was the first person Jake called when anything of significance happened - like the commercial he booked that was getting national play - which they were currently celebrating with a Dexter marathon and Chinese.
Being here with Jake, sitting together in his living room, he could forget that sometimes he’d catch himself watching the way Jake’s lashes curled against his skin, or how his mouth …
Van closed his eyes, throwing one hand over his face.
“I think I’m going to be sick.”
“Be sick in the other direction, then.”
“Your concern is touching, Silbermann, really.”
“Did I tell you to eat all the Crab Ragoon by yourself? I did not. Therefore, no sympathy.”
Van rolled his head to the side, making a face at Jake, who sat sprawled on the opposite end of his couch. Jake laughed - the one that somehow managed to make Van feel Jake - and leaned forward, shirt rising over his hip, teasing skin. Van closed his eyes - breathing in deeper now. When his eyes re-opened, Jake was staring at him, concern etched on his face.
Eyes traced over Van’s face, down neck and chest, pausing for a millisecond and then flicking back to meet his stare.
His skin felt overheated - tingling. Something in the pit of his stomach, fluttering around. His heart was pounding so hard he was afraid it was echoing in the room.
Van opened his mouth to reassure Jake when he slid closer, one hand coming to rest on Van’s stomach, rubbing gentle circles. “You okay? Are you really sick?” Blue met his gaze and suddenly Van’s mind whirled with memories he’d chosen to forget.
Jake’s eyes looked different now, darker, wider and Van bit back a wobbly smile. “You know you have really fucking pretty eyes.” One hand reached up to brush dark hair away from Jake’s forehead, letting more light hit them. “I remember them first.” His tongue was numb so his words sounded wrong even to his ears but whatever he had said couldn’t have been so bad since Jake’s face flushed pink.
Warm hands gripped his shoulders and Jake’s eyes were gone, hidden behind closed lids, but now his head had closed the distance, leaning against Van’s. “I’m drunk, man. But not drunk enough that I won’t remember this. So, if you don’t…” Eyes opened to look directly into Van’s.
Van jerked away, getting to his feet, ignoring the rolling of his stomach and reaching for the bottle on the table. He gulped down half the water, taking his time to reign in all the conflicted feelings running through his mind and heart.
Jake had said that nothing had happened.
He’d told him he hadn’t said anything that night.
Jake had lied.
Van felt the anger course through him followed immediately by the hopeless thought that Jake had been too embarrassed to admit what might have been happening. Or worse yet, he hadn’t wanted to reject Van because he was his friend. When he turned, Jake was sitting with his hands on his knees, staring up at Van with so much concern it actually hurt Van to look at him.
“Van? What’s going on?”
He didn’t know what he was supposed to say. He didn’t think I think I might be a little bit in love with you would go over well. Not if Jake had gone to the trouble of avoiding talking about drunk Van’s almost declarations.
Taking a deep breath, he shook his head. “Nothing. Just. You know, queasy.”
Jake’s eyes softened, giving Van such a sweet smile that he had to look away.
“That’s what you get. I told you. Crab Ragoon so not a good thing.”
Van swallowed, false grin on his face. “I guess I like things that aren’t good for me.” His tone was sharper then he meant and Jake’s smile faltered, the dig having hit its target. He didn’t waver when Jake stood up, grabbing the mess on the table and heading to the kitchen. He watched Jake pause at the sink before turning around, his smile as stiff as the one Van had given him earlier. “That only pertains to food?”
Van raised an eyebrow, low ebb of anger vibrating in the air. “Not always.”
Their eyes met and Jake’s face closed off, head nodding in Van’s direction. “Right.” He wiped hands on his jeans, glancing back up, “I’m a little tired. Maybe rain check on the marathon?”
Van nodded. “That’s probably a good idea.”
He followed him to the door. They stood awkwardly where normally there would have been a hug. Jake waved a hand, halfway out the door, and quietly said, “Good night, Van.”
“Good night, Jake.”
He closed the door behind him, head leaning on its hard surface.
Shit.
*
Van pushed his feet forward, sliding them on the hallway carpet with a whooshing sound. He could barely keep his eyes open, having spent most of his days off fretting over his feelings for Jake which meant he’d gotten zero sleep.
Jake.
He had scenes with Jake today and he had no clue how he was supposed to react.
There was laughter echoing down the hall and recognizing the deep tremble of one as Jake’s, he glanced around. Seeing Marnie’s door, he knocked, not waiting for her response before he entered, closing it quickly behind him.
Marnie blinked at him in surprise, smiling slowly. “Hey, Van. Everything ok?”
He opened his mouth to say something and jumped at the knock on the door. It hit him in the back when Billy swung it open and they stared at each other. He caught movement in the hall, knew that it was Jake.
“Um, thanks, Marnie.”
She looked confused but waved good-bye, and Van caught the look she gave Billy as he turned to leave. “Anytime.”
Jake smiled at him as he passed him by and Van returned it stiffly. “Hey.”
“Hey.” Jake started to follow and Van picked up his pace. “I have some scenes with Larry so I’m going to…there.”
He ignored Jake’s crestfallen face as he walked away.
*
Billy poked his head into Van’s dressing room, grinning. “Wanna get something to drink?”
Van smiled up, almost nodded, then thinking better of it, he asked. “Who else is going?”
He got a strange look in return, small shrug. “Usual gang.”
Which meant Jake. So…
“You know, I actually need to get home. Early call tomorrow. But - thanks.”
Billy stared at him for a long moment before closing the door quietly.
Van breathed out, leaned his head down on the vanity.
This sucked.
*
It was the worst date he’d been on in forever. Darren was a freelance journalist. He had no idea why Nick set them up. (Van conveniently forgot that he’s practically begged for the distraction.) They spent most of the night talking about Van’s job and how he felt about his impact and influence on the television community. It felt like an interview except that he didn‘t have Jake there to interject with inside jokes and his smile. In the end, he muttered his responses, counting under his breath to one hundred.
Darren didn’t seem to notice.
Van glanced up, freezing, when he caught sight of Jake at the entrance. He was followed immediately by his mother and the twins. Somehow they saw him before Jake, grinning and waving. Van waved back. He couldn’t help it. One of them spoke to Jake and he turned, smiling. He waved at him, too. Cautiously.
Van tried to smile, giving a wave and returned his attention to his date. He pretended not to notice where Jake and his family were seated.
Every time Jake looked his way, Van pretended he couldn’t feel it.
He was so screwed.
*
“Okay, dude. Whatever Jake did, just forgive him already.”
Van looked up from his script. “Huh?”
He hadn’t actually been concentrating. He’d been trying to figure out a way to actually deal with the Jake situation.
Billy crossed his arms, leaning on Van’s vanity. “He is fucking miserable, Van. This not talking. It’s killing him.”
“We talk.”
“No, you don’t. You act together - and that’s been totally thrown off kilter by the way, just letting you know as an observer - but you don’t talk to him. Not really.”
Van took a deep breath. Maybe he’d overreacted. He was aware. After kicking Jake out of his apartment, Van had started kicking himself. Jake hadn’t deserved that. He probably didn’t even remember that night which was probably for the best. But afterwards, Van couldn’t look at Jake. Not knowing now exactly what he wanted.
So he’d shut down. And he’d avoided. And that wasn’t fair.
Van rubbed his eyes. “I’ll straighten it out.”
Billy smiled, relieved. “Good. Cause you mean a lot to him, Van. More than you realize.”
Van glanced up at that but Billy was already out the door. Okay. He could do this. He had to do this. Van missed Jake. So much it was painful. Whatever he had to do - however, he’d have to deal with his feelings, he would. He needed Jake in his life. Every day.
Van took a deep breath, sucked in oxygen and courage, opened his door, intent on finding Jake…who stood in the hallway outside his dressing room.
“Jake.”
He received a nervous nod before Jake stepped into the room. “Van, I don’t know what I did…”
“Nothing.”
Jake turned, unbelieving look on his face. “Really?”
Van nodded. “Really. This…this was me, Jake. I…” He had no idea how to explain without actually telling Jake how he felt.
Jake’s face softened, hand coming up to touch Van’s shoulder. “You can tell me anything, Van. I thought you knew that.” Fingers skimmed skin and Van bit back a shuddering breath. He wasn’t sure whether to laugh or cry. He could tell Jake anything except for this.
“I know.” Van’s hand found Jake’s, pulling gently, and ignoring the slightly hurt look in Jake’s eyes, he squeezed it before releasing. “I’m just having -- I am so sorry if I made you feel bad.”
“It’s been two weeks.”
Van rubbed his head. “I know.”
Jake stood closer, heat radiating against Van, hand rubbing his shoulders. “Why?”
“Cause I’m an idiot”
He hadn’t actually meant to say it out loud.
Jake frowned, shaking his head. “Don’t be stupid.”
Van laughed at that and turned, meeting Jake’s eyes. “Can we just - can you forget I’ve been a jerk lately?”
Jake tilted his head to one side, eyes narrowed, and he shrugged. “Maybe. On one condition.”
Van smirked. “And what’s that?”
Jake moved a little closer, and Van resisted the urge to take a step back and the need to lean in.
“I get to cash in that rain check.”
Van laughed for the first time in two weeks.
*
In the flickering light of his television, Jake looked so different, almost otherworldly. Of course, Van thought it could have been the half dozen beers he’d drunk while they had finally watched their unfinished marathon. He forced his eyes to stay on the screen, concentrate on the action there but they kept sliding over to watch Jake’s profile.
Van loved watching him while he was concentrating. Eyebrows scrunched in, lips between teeth when there was tension, and the wide eyes when something unexpected happened.
He leaned his head back, closing his own eyes.
Jesus.
He was so fucking screwed.
“You asleep?” Jake whispered and Van rolled his head, opening his eyes and finding Jake rightthere.
He shook his head, leaning in without thinking, lips finding the softness of cheek, and pressed a kiss there. Fast and light. It twisted in his stomach, that desire from always. That coiling need at the base of his spine, constant and sharp.
Jake’s eyes widened, all blue gone and Van smiled. “I’m sorry I was such an ass.” He didn’t wait for a response, letting his head fall to Jake’s shoulder. After some time, Jake relaxed and Van heard a soft sigh. His body molded to Jake’s side, pliant against sharp angles, fitting like jigsaw pieces. Forming an entirely different picture.
Van closed his eyes and pretended that picture was possible.
*
October 2008
When Van finally broke, it wasn’t in a drunken stupor or even a particularly close moment between them. Jake was standing in the path between Van’s kitchen and the living room, extolling the virtues of vampires over zombies as movie monsters, hands waving slightly in an effort to make his point more valid and when Van surged forward, mouth swallowing the last of Jake’s words, he knew that it could be the dumbest thing he had ever done.
It didn’t stop him from fisting his hands in Jake’s shirt, though, or probing gently at his mouth, angling to deepen the kiss when Jake responded with that groan. The one that was so familiar to him and still completely different. Van felt the warmth of Jake’s hands against his skin, delving under loose shirt to palm his back, fingers digging into flesh. His mind registered the fact that Jake’s tongue dueled with his own, that he was fervently kissing Van back , and he quickly dismissed the panic, enjoying the feel of Jake in his mouth.
Van had always been slightly intimidated by Jake’s kisses - the way he concentrated so thoroughly on them, giving himself to the moment and the scene. How real they felt even when they weren’t. They could make him weak in the knees even when he knew they weren’t meant for him. It was the reason Van had always been so careful, so cautious.
Experiencing that should have prepared him for this.
It hadn’t.
Jake’s kisses are like nothing Van’s tasted before. The intensity in them left him craving more and he unclenched his hands, still curled in Jake’s shirt, sliding then under arms and over shoulder, clutching tightly. Jake pulled away, letting loose a long breath and diving back in, one hand grasping Van’s head. The other tugged at Van’s shirt, leaving his mouth again for only a moment to yank it over Van’s head.
They moved past furniture and hallways, into Van’s bedroom, mouths fused together gliding tongues and lips. Van’s hands shoved at material to find naked skin and sinew. Fingers danced across muscle and he breathed Jake in. He wasn’t sure how but they were on the bed, skin pressed against skin. Van moaned low, found strength and pulled back, eyes finding deep blue.
He wanted to know.
He needed to.
“Yes.” Jake nodded, hand caressing Van’s face softly. “I’m sure.” His eyes traveled down Van’s face, shoulders, chest, and he swallowed deep when he reached the buckle in Van‘s suddenly too-tight jeans, looking back up. “Jesus fucking Christ, yes.”
They came together again. Van pushing jeans down and off, fumbling for Jake’s until he finally succeeded in getting them naked. Van closed his hands over bunched muscles and, ohgod, Jake felt so good, hard and hot everywhere. Jake’s hands roamed over and under and between. His lips followed the course his fingers set out, openmouthed kisses from neck to chest and Van’s back arched at the touch of tongue on heated skin. Biting hard then soothing with soft kisses. Jake took his time, that intensity now on everything that was Van.
Jake seemed to become obsessed with the curve of Van’s hipbones, the crease where leg and groin connected, tongue bathing, tasting and Van gripped hands into dark hair, muttering unintelligible words. He felt the rumble of Jake’s laugh on his legs and glanced down, raising an eyebrow. “Something amusing, Silbermann?” He barely got the words past his throat, mouth going dry when Jake looked up at him under his impossibly long eyelashes.
Van swallowed audibly. Oh, god, he was beautiful. He was ready to say it out loud but Jake’s tongue found the long vein of Van’s cock and all thoughts shattered completely. He licked leisurely, watching Van the whole time, half smile forming when Van let go of Jake, fisting hands into bed sheets, head tilted back to expose his neck, throat working against moans that filtered out. His skin burned and he couldn’t breathe properly. Jake’s mouth covered him, firm and warm, pulling at Van, pushing deep. Jake gripped hips, angled upward and moved slow and steady.
One hand grasped Jake’s head once more, threading through damp hair, fingers scraping against scalp. Van’s stomach quivered, everything curling from his feet up, rushing inside his blood. Jake hummed when Van jerked in time with his movements and he held him down, teeth scraping lightly, sending Van into convulsions, groans emanating into the room. Jake moved faster, one hand gripping Van‘s shaft, sliding up to meet his mouth. Jake hollowed out his cheeks, sucking deep and long.
It all became white noise and edges of gray everywhere.
Van cried out with sharp relief, Jake’s name rolling from his lips repeatedly as white ribbons spurted on skin, hot and sticky, wet. Van felt boneless, limbs tangled with Jake’s, feeling their skin brush together as Jake moved back up. He stopped to wipe off Van’s chest and stomach with the edge of the cover.
When he finished, Van opened his eyes, and there Jake was, face inches from his own, grin large, eyes shining deeper blue then he’d ever seen. Van traced his cheek with one finger, down to follow the line of Jake‘s lips, smiling when Jake caught it in his mouth. Van’s eyes widened when Jake sucked lightly. He pulled his finger away, replacing it with his mouth. Pushing with his arms, Van rolled them over, laughing at the surprise and delight on Jake’s face when he was pinned under him.
He ran hands through sweaty strands of dark hair, pushing it away to look at Jake’s face. There it was, that look that Van had imagined was only in his mind. He smiled in return, dropping soft kisses on Jake’s pliant, moist lips. “So.”
Jake grinned, arms circling loosely around Van’s back. “So.”
“We could have been doing this all along, huh.”
Jake tilted his head, feigning thoughtfulness, then nodded. “Probably at least within the first hour, yeah.”
Van grinned. “We’re fucking morons.” He captured Jake’s laugh in his mouth.
*
Van wasn’t sure what to expect.
He was afraid to open his eyes and find that last night hadn’t happened. Or that if it had, Jake regretted it. Which, okay, was probably stupid since he was the one that had been having his own personal queen out over it for months. He knew how Jake felt. Probably had for a long time. He’d been in denial. Wanting to believe it was only him. It was in his mind.
Because if Jake wanted him back then everything they had was at risk and if it didn’t work out - he’d lose the person he cared about most. It was why falling in love with friends led to disaster. Why he hadn’t wanted to go there.
“Stop freaking out.”
Van startled at Jake’s voice, turning to face the other side of the bed, meeting Jake’s amused - hopeful - expression.
“Sorry.”
Jake shrugged. “It’s okay.” He pulled Van closer, arm thrown loosely over Van’s waist, fingers drawing a path over hip and back. “It’s a lot to take in. Just - stay with me. Don’t run away again.”
Van nodded, focusing on Jake’s lips, the pillow crease across his cheek, the sleepy eyes that looked at him. “I promise.” He took a deep breath, finding Jake’s other hand, running fingers over palm and hand. “It’s just - it’s big, you know?”
He glanced up at Jake, catching the crinkle at the corners of blue, grin wide and Van slapped his chest, rolling his eyes. “Oh my god. I swear you are, like, twelve sometimes.”
Jake scooted in, dropping small kisses on Van’s face and cheeks and mouth. They caught each other, running hands over hair and skin, tasting. Jake stopped, pushing up to look at Van, making him pause, breath caught at the look in Jake’s eyes. “It’s you and me.”
And that was all Van needed.
*
December 2008
“So.”
Van stopped eating, looking at Jake sitting across from him at the table, finishing his own breakfast. Van waited for whatever it was he wanted to say.
Jake didn’t look at him. “I kinda love you.”
If he hadn’t been sitting down already, he would have fallen on the floor.
“I just wanted you to know.”
Then Jake’s fork scrapped against his plate and he continued to eat.
Van listened to it.
“Stop freaking out.”
Van smiled softly and shook his head.
That was getting scary.
*
January 2009
He moved his mouth against Jake’s, fingers digging into hair, holding firm and steady. These were his favorite Jake kisses. Long and drawn out and tasting of everything between them. Van nipped at swollen lips, grinning when Jake made that noise at the back of his throat.
Van loved that noise.
Hands roamed under shirt and across warm skin and Van pushed, covering the long form beneath him with his own heat. Jake’s head arched back, exposing lean tendons of neck and Van ducked in, licking a long stripe up and across until he reached Jake’s jaw. He bit hard, tongue bathing the sting away.
Jake’s hand found their way under jeans, palming Van’s ass, kneading them with deft fingers.
“Too many clothes.”
Van nuzzled Jake’s face, kissing a path to his mouth. “You know, I think this kink you have with my ass is a little unhealthy, baby.”
Jake replied with a quiet “Hmmm” searching for Van’s mouth as he did.
Van’s heart tripped over itself at the sound and he pulled away, hands framing Jake’s face, bringing his attention to him. “Hey.”
It took a moment for Jake’s eyes to focus on Van. He leaned in, lips to lips and whispered, “I kinda love you, too.”
Jake blinked.
Then he grinned wide, chuckling. “Well, duh.”
Van proceeded to shut him right up.
*
March 2009
Van groaned and threw his script to the floor, letting his head fall back against the couch. He glanced over at Jake, deep in concentration with his own script and Van watched him, smiling softly at all the scrunched brow, biting lip going on.
“Why are you staring at me? It’s kind of creepy, Van.”
“What?” He crawled across the space between them, head falling on Jake’s lap, grinning. “I can’t stare at the hot boyfriend?”
Jake blushed and Van grinned harder. He didn’t even realize it. That was the one of the reasons he loved him so much.
He grabbed the hand that wasn’t holding onto the script, clasping and unclasping their fingers together. “So, I was thinking.”
“Never a good sign.” Jake said, without glancing up.
Van smacked his thigh hard. “Be quiet, asshole, and let me finish.”
“Finish.”
“After the cruise -”
“The one where we can’t touch or kiss or act in any way like a couple?”
Van rolled his eyes and snorted. “Seriously, did he think we’d fuck on deck or something?”
Jake shook his head. “Dickhead.”
Van wasn’t sure how Chris had figured out what was going on but he had. And even though he’d been “supportive”, he’d told them to keep their hands off each other at work and wait before going public. Then he’d lectured about proper behavior on their upcoming fan cruise. “Really.”
Jake grasped his fingers and Van’s attention focused on their hands.
“So, what were you going to say?”
Van took a deep breath. They’d had this conversation so many times over the last five months. Jake had always said it was Van’s call.
“I think - I want to -”
“You want to tell the world you’re head over heels- totally crazy in love with me, Hansis? Is that it?”
Van grinned, head moving back to look up at Jake. “No, I want to tell them you’re hot for my bod, actually.”
Jake paused then nodded. “Also true.”
Van laughed. “I knew it. You just want me for the pretty.”
He felt Jake’s stare and met it, sobering up at the question that he wasn’t asking. He answered it. “Yeah. I want to tell. At least the important people.”
Jake leaned down, kissing him hard and long.
Van opened his eyes when Jake pulled away and Jake watched him closely.
“You ready to do this?”
Van touched his face, fingers grazing over stubble and skin.
“Yeah, I’m ready.”
End.
Author:
freakykatPairing/Characters: Van/Jake
Rating: NC-17 (but not quite the full enchilada)
Word Count: 4135
Spoilers/Warnings: Not real? Little bit of angst.
Summary: He needed Jake in his life. Every day.
Disclaimer: I don't know either Jake or Van. This is entirely from my crazy RPS-ing mind. Not real. NOT. No offense meant so if this ain't your thing, don't read, please. Also, I make no money from this. Thanks.
Author's Notes: Written for
bluejeanbaby01. Also for Van/Jake fanfic 100 prompt 039. Taste. Big thanks to jyl22075 and sweetiejelly for putting up with this craziness! Also, Mayah for the pushing of posting. Feedback appreciated. :)Part One
Drinking You In
- Part Two -
August 2008
Van had no idea what had changed between him and Jake. It wasn’t anything he could pinpoint. They still hung out every chance they had in and out of the studio. Van was the first person Jake called when anything of significance happened - like the commercial he booked that was getting national play - which they were currently celebrating with a Dexter marathon and Chinese.
Being here with Jake, sitting together in his living room, he could forget that sometimes he’d catch himself watching the way Jake’s lashes curled against his skin, or how his mouth …
Van closed his eyes, throwing one hand over his face.
“I think I’m going to be sick.”
“Be sick in the other direction, then.”
“Your concern is touching, Silbermann, really.”
“Did I tell you to eat all the Crab Ragoon by yourself? I did not. Therefore, no sympathy.”
Van rolled his head to the side, making a face at Jake, who sat sprawled on the opposite end of his couch. Jake laughed - the one that somehow managed to make Van feel Jake - and leaned forward, shirt rising over his hip, teasing skin. Van closed his eyes - breathing in deeper now. When his eyes re-opened, Jake was staring at him, concern etched on his face.
Eyes traced over Van’s face, down neck and chest, pausing for a millisecond and then flicking back to meet his stare.
His skin felt overheated - tingling. Something in the pit of his stomach, fluttering around. His heart was pounding so hard he was afraid it was echoing in the room.
Van opened his mouth to reassure Jake when he slid closer, one hand coming to rest on Van’s stomach, rubbing gentle circles. “You okay? Are you really sick?” Blue met his gaze and suddenly Van’s mind whirled with memories he’d chosen to forget.
Jake’s eyes looked different now, darker, wider and Van bit back a wobbly smile. “You know you have really fucking pretty eyes.” One hand reached up to brush dark hair away from Jake’s forehead, letting more light hit them. “I remember them first.” His tongue was numb so his words sounded wrong even to his ears but whatever he had said couldn’t have been so bad since Jake’s face flushed pink.
Warm hands gripped his shoulders and Jake’s eyes were gone, hidden behind closed lids, but now his head had closed the distance, leaning against Van’s. “I’m drunk, man. But not drunk enough that I won’t remember this. So, if you don’t…” Eyes opened to look directly into Van’s.
Van jerked away, getting to his feet, ignoring the rolling of his stomach and reaching for the bottle on the table. He gulped down half the water, taking his time to reign in all the conflicted feelings running through his mind and heart.
Jake had said that nothing had happened.
He’d told him he hadn’t said anything that night.
Jake had lied.
Van felt the anger course through him followed immediately by the hopeless thought that Jake had been too embarrassed to admit what might have been happening. Or worse yet, he hadn’t wanted to reject Van because he was his friend. When he turned, Jake was sitting with his hands on his knees, staring up at Van with so much concern it actually hurt Van to look at him.
“Van? What’s going on?”
He didn’t know what he was supposed to say. He didn’t think I think I might be a little bit in love with you would go over well. Not if Jake had gone to the trouble of avoiding talking about drunk Van’s almost declarations.
Taking a deep breath, he shook his head. “Nothing. Just. You know, queasy.”
Jake’s eyes softened, giving Van such a sweet smile that he had to look away.
“That’s what you get. I told you. Crab Ragoon so not a good thing.”
Van swallowed, false grin on his face. “I guess I like things that aren’t good for me.” His tone was sharper then he meant and Jake’s smile faltered, the dig having hit its target. He didn’t waver when Jake stood up, grabbing the mess on the table and heading to the kitchen. He watched Jake pause at the sink before turning around, his smile as stiff as the one Van had given him earlier. “That only pertains to food?”
Van raised an eyebrow, low ebb of anger vibrating in the air. “Not always.”
Their eyes met and Jake’s face closed off, head nodding in Van’s direction. “Right.” He wiped hands on his jeans, glancing back up, “I’m a little tired. Maybe rain check on the marathon?”
Van nodded. “That’s probably a good idea.”
He followed him to the door. They stood awkwardly where normally there would have been a hug. Jake waved a hand, halfway out the door, and quietly said, “Good night, Van.”
“Good night, Jake.”
He closed the door behind him, head leaning on its hard surface.
Shit.
Van pushed his feet forward, sliding them on the hallway carpet with a whooshing sound. He could barely keep his eyes open, having spent most of his days off fretting over his feelings for Jake which meant he’d gotten zero sleep.
Jake.
He had scenes with Jake today and he had no clue how he was supposed to react.
There was laughter echoing down the hall and recognizing the deep tremble of one as Jake’s, he glanced around. Seeing Marnie’s door, he knocked, not waiting for her response before he entered, closing it quickly behind him.
Marnie blinked at him in surprise, smiling slowly. “Hey, Van. Everything ok?”
He opened his mouth to say something and jumped at the knock on the door. It hit him in the back when Billy swung it open and they stared at each other. He caught movement in the hall, knew that it was Jake.
“Um, thanks, Marnie.”
She looked confused but waved good-bye, and Van caught the look she gave Billy as he turned to leave. “Anytime.”
Jake smiled at him as he passed him by and Van returned it stiffly. “Hey.”
“Hey.” Jake started to follow and Van picked up his pace. “I have some scenes with Larry so I’m going to…there.”
He ignored Jake’s crestfallen face as he walked away.
Billy poked his head into Van’s dressing room, grinning. “Wanna get something to drink?”
Van smiled up, almost nodded, then thinking better of it, he asked. “Who else is going?”
He got a strange look in return, small shrug. “Usual gang.”
Which meant Jake. So…
“You know, I actually need to get home. Early call tomorrow. But - thanks.”
Billy stared at him for a long moment before closing the door quietly.
Van breathed out, leaned his head down on the vanity.
This sucked.
It was the worst date he’d been on in forever. Darren was a freelance journalist. He had no idea why Nick set them up. (Van conveniently forgot that he’s practically begged for the distraction.) They spent most of the night talking about Van’s job and how he felt about his impact and influence on the television community. It felt like an interview except that he didn‘t have Jake there to interject with inside jokes and his smile. In the end, he muttered his responses, counting under his breath to one hundred.
Darren didn’t seem to notice.
Van glanced up, freezing, when he caught sight of Jake at the entrance. He was followed immediately by his mother and the twins. Somehow they saw him before Jake, grinning and waving. Van waved back. He couldn’t help it. One of them spoke to Jake and he turned, smiling. He waved at him, too. Cautiously.
Van tried to smile, giving a wave and returned his attention to his date. He pretended not to notice where Jake and his family were seated.
Every time Jake looked his way, Van pretended he couldn’t feel it.
He was so screwed.
“Okay, dude. Whatever Jake did, just forgive him already.”
Van looked up from his script. “Huh?”
He hadn’t actually been concentrating. He’d been trying to figure out a way to actually deal with the Jake situation.
Billy crossed his arms, leaning on Van’s vanity. “He is fucking miserable, Van. This not talking. It’s killing him.”
“We talk.”
“No, you don’t. You act together - and that’s been totally thrown off kilter by the way, just letting you know as an observer - but you don’t talk to him. Not really.”
Van took a deep breath. Maybe he’d overreacted. He was aware. After kicking Jake out of his apartment, Van had started kicking himself. Jake hadn’t deserved that. He probably didn’t even remember that night which was probably for the best. But afterwards, Van couldn’t look at Jake. Not knowing now exactly what he wanted.
So he’d shut down. And he’d avoided. And that wasn’t fair.
Van rubbed his eyes. “I’ll straighten it out.”
Billy smiled, relieved. “Good. Cause you mean a lot to him, Van. More than you realize.”
Van glanced up at that but Billy was already out the door. Okay. He could do this. He had to do this. Van missed Jake. So much it was painful. Whatever he had to do - however, he’d have to deal with his feelings, he would. He needed Jake in his life. Every day.
Van took a deep breath, sucked in oxygen and courage, opened his door, intent on finding Jake…who stood in the hallway outside his dressing room.
“Jake.”
He received a nervous nod before Jake stepped into the room. “Van, I don’t know what I did…”
“Nothing.”
Jake turned, unbelieving look on his face. “Really?”
Van nodded. “Really. This…this was me, Jake. I…” He had no idea how to explain without actually telling Jake how he felt.
Jake’s face softened, hand coming up to touch Van’s shoulder. “You can tell me anything, Van. I thought you knew that.” Fingers skimmed skin and Van bit back a shuddering breath. He wasn’t sure whether to laugh or cry. He could tell Jake anything except for this.
“I know.” Van’s hand found Jake’s, pulling gently, and ignoring the slightly hurt look in Jake’s eyes, he squeezed it before releasing. “I’m just having -- I am so sorry if I made you feel bad.”
“It’s been two weeks.”
Van rubbed his head. “I know.”
Jake stood closer, heat radiating against Van, hand rubbing his shoulders. “Why?”
“Cause I’m an idiot”
He hadn’t actually meant to say it out loud.
Jake frowned, shaking his head. “Don’t be stupid.”
Van laughed at that and turned, meeting Jake’s eyes. “Can we just - can you forget I’ve been a jerk lately?”
Jake tilted his head to one side, eyes narrowed, and he shrugged. “Maybe. On one condition.”
Van smirked. “And what’s that?”
Jake moved a little closer, and Van resisted the urge to take a step back and the need to lean in.
“I get to cash in that rain check.”
Van laughed for the first time in two weeks.
In the flickering light of his television, Jake looked so different, almost otherworldly. Of course, Van thought it could have been the half dozen beers he’d drunk while they had finally watched their unfinished marathon. He forced his eyes to stay on the screen, concentrate on the action there but they kept sliding over to watch Jake’s profile.
Van loved watching him while he was concentrating. Eyebrows scrunched in, lips between teeth when there was tension, and the wide eyes when something unexpected happened.
He leaned his head back, closing his own eyes.
Jesus.
He was so fucking screwed.
“You asleep?” Jake whispered and Van rolled his head, opening his eyes and finding Jake rightthere.
He shook his head, leaning in without thinking, lips finding the softness of cheek, and pressed a kiss there. Fast and light. It twisted in his stomach, that desire from always. That coiling need at the base of his spine, constant and sharp.
Jake’s eyes widened, all blue gone and Van smiled. “I’m sorry I was such an ass.” He didn’t wait for a response, letting his head fall to Jake’s shoulder. After some time, Jake relaxed and Van heard a soft sigh. His body molded to Jake’s side, pliant against sharp angles, fitting like jigsaw pieces. Forming an entirely different picture.
Van closed his eyes and pretended that picture was possible.
October 2008
When Van finally broke, it wasn’t in a drunken stupor or even a particularly close moment between them. Jake was standing in the path between Van’s kitchen and the living room, extolling the virtues of vampires over zombies as movie monsters, hands waving slightly in an effort to make his point more valid and when Van surged forward, mouth swallowing the last of Jake’s words, he knew that it could be the dumbest thing he had ever done.
It didn’t stop him from fisting his hands in Jake’s shirt, though, or probing gently at his mouth, angling to deepen the kiss when Jake responded with that groan. The one that was so familiar to him and still completely different. Van felt the warmth of Jake’s hands against his skin, delving under loose shirt to palm his back, fingers digging into flesh. His mind registered the fact that Jake’s tongue dueled with his own, that he was fervently kissing Van back , and he quickly dismissed the panic, enjoying the feel of Jake in his mouth.
Van had always been slightly intimidated by Jake’s kisses - the way he concentrated so thoroughly on them, giving himself to the moment and the scene. How real they felt even when they weren’t. They could make him weak in the knees even when he knew they weren’t meant for him. It was the reason Van had always been so careful, so cautious.
Experiencing that should have prepared him for this.
It hadn’t.
Jake’s kisses are like nothing Van’s tasted before. The intensity in them left him craving more and he unclenched his hands, still curled in Jake’s shirt, sliding then under arms and over shoulder, clutching tightly. Jake pulled away, letting loose a long breath and diving back in, one hand grasping Van’s head. The other tugged at Van’s shirt, leaving his mouth again for only a moment to yank it over Van’s head.
They moved past furniture and hallways, into Van’s bedroom, mouths fused together gliding tongues and lips. Van’s hands shoved at material to find naked skin and sinew. Fingers danced across muscle and he breathed Jake in. He wasn’t sure how but they were on the bed, skin pressed against skin. Van moaned low, found strength and pulled back, eyes finding deep blue.
He wanted to know.
He needed to.
“Yes.” Jake nodded, hand caressing Van’s face softly. “I’m sure.” His eyes traveled down Van’s face, shoulders, chest, and he swallowed deep when he reached the buckle in Van‘s suddenly too-tight jeans, looking back up. “Jesus fucking Christ, yes.”
They came together again. Van pushing jeans down and off, fumbling for Jake’s until he finally succeeded in getting them naked. Van closed his hands over bunched muscles and, ohgod, Jake felt so good, hard and hot everywhere. Jake’s hands roamed over and under and between. His lips followed the course his fingers set out, openmouthed kisses from neck to chest and Van’s back arched at the touch of tongue on heated skin. Biting hard then soothing with soft kisses. Jake took his time, that intensity now on everything that was Van.
Jake seemed to become obsessed with the curve of Van’s hipbones, the crease where leg and groin connected, tongue bathing, tasting and Van gripped hands into dark hair, muttering unintelligible words. He felt the rumble of Jake’s laugh on his legs and glanced down, raising an eyebrow. “Something amusing, Silbermann?” He barely got the words past his throat, mouth going dry when Jake looked up at him under his impossibly long eyelashes.
Van swallowed audibly. Oh, god, he was beautiful. He was ready to say it out loud but Jake’s tongue found the long vein of Van’s cock and all thoughts shattered completely. He licked leisurely, watching Van the whole time, half smile forming when Van let go of Jake, fisting hands into bed sheets, head tilted back to expose his neck, throat working against moans that filtered out. His skin burned and he couldn’t breathe properly. Jake’s mouth covered him, firm and warm, pulling at Van, pushing deep. Jake gripped hips, angled upward and moved slow and steady.
One hand grasped Jake’s head once more, threading through damp hair, fingers scraping against scalp. Van’s stomach quivered, everything curling from his feet up, rushing inside his blood. Jake hummed when Van jerked in time with his movements and he held him down, teeth scraping lightly, sending Van into convulsions, groans emanating into the room. Jake moved faster, one hand gripping Van‘s shaft, sliding up to meet his mouth. Jake hollowed out his cheeks, sucking deep and long.
It all became white noise and edges of gray everywhere.
Van cried out with sharp relief, Jake’s name rolling from his lips repeatedly as white ribbons spurted on skin, hot and sticky, wet. Van felt boneless, limbs tangled with Jake’s, feeling their skin brush together as Jake moved back up. He stopped to wipe off Van’s chest and stomach with the edge of the cover.
When he finished, Van opened his eyes, and there Jake was, face inches from his own, grin large, eyes shining deeper blue then he’d ever seen. Van traced his cheek with one finger, down to follow the line of Jake‘s lips, smiling when Jake caught it in his mouth. Van’s eyes widened when Jake sucked lightly. He pulled his finger away, replacing it with his mouth. Pushing with his arms, Van rolled them over, laughing at the surprise and delight on Jake’s face when he was pinned under him.
He ran hands through sweaty strands of dark hair, pushing it away to look at Jake’s face. There it was, that look that Van had imagined was only in his mind. He smiled in return, dropping soft kisses on Jake’s pliant, moist lips. “So.”
Jake grinned, arms circling loosely around Van’s back. “So.”
“We could have been doing this all along, huh.”
Jake tilted his head, feigning thoughtfulness, then nodded. “Probably at least within the first hour, yeah.”
Van grinned. “We’re fucking morons.” He captured Jake’s laugh in his mouth.
Van wasn’t sure what to expect.
He was afraid to open his eyes and find that last night hadn’t happened. Or that if it had, Jake regretted it. Which, okay, was probably stupid since he was the one that had been having his own personal queen out over it for months. He knew how Jake felt. Probably had for a long time. He’d been in denial. Wanting to believe it was only him. It was in his mind.
Because if Jake wanted him back then everything they had was at risk and if it didn’t work out - he’d lose the person he cared about most. It was why falling in love with friends led to disaster. Why he hadn’t wanted to go there.
“Stop freaking out.”
Van startled at Jake’s voice, turning to face the other side of the bed, meeting Jake’s amused - hopeful - expression.
“Sorry.”
Jake shrugged. “It’s okay.” He pulled Van closer, arm thrown loosely over Van’s waist, fingers drawing a path over hip and back. “It’s a lot to take in. Just - stay with me. Don’t run away again.”
Van nodded, focusing on Jake’s lips, the pillow crease across his cheek, the sleepy eyes that looked at him. “I promise.” He took a deep breath, finding Jake’s other hand, running fingers over palm and hand. “It’s just - it’s big, you know?”
He glanced up at Jake, catching the crinkle at the corners of blue, grin wide and Van slapped his chest, rolling his eyes. “Oh my god. I swear you are, like, twelve sometimes.”
Jake scooted in, dropping small kisses on Van’s face and cheeks and mouth. They caught each other, running hands over hair and skin, tasting. Jake stopped, pushing up to look at Van, making him pause, breath caught at the look in Jake’s eyes. “It’s you and me.”
And that was all Van needed.
December 2008
“So.”
Van stopped eating, looking at Jake sitting across from him at the table, finishing his own breakfast. Van waited for whatever it was he wanted to say.
Jake didn’t look at him. “I kinda love you.”
If he hadn’t been sitting down already, he would have fallen on the floor.
“I just wanted you to know.”
Then Jake’s fork scrapped against his plate and he continued to eat.
Van listened to it.
“Stop freaking out.”
Van smiled softly and shook his head.
That was getting scary.
January 2009
He moved his mouth against Jake’s, fingers digging into hair, holding firm and steady. These were his favorite Jake kisses. Long and drawn out and tasting of everything between them. Van nipped at swollen lips, grinning when Jake made that noise at the back of his throat.
Van loved that noise.
Hands roamed under shirt and across warm skin and Van pushed, covering the long form beneath him with his own heat. Jake’s head arched back, exposing lean tendons of neck and Van ducked in, licking a long stripe up and across until he reached Jake’s jaw. He bit hard, tongue bathing the sting away.
Jake’s hand found their way under jeans, palming Van’s ass, kneading them with deft fingers.
“Too many clothes.”
Van nuzzled Jake’s face, kissing a path to his mouth. “You know, I think this kink you have with my ass is a little unhealthy, baby.”
Jake replied with a quiet “Hmmm” searching for Van’s mouth as he did.
Van’s heart tripped over itself at the sound and he pulled away, hands framing Jake’s face, bringing his attention to him. “Hey.”
It took a moment for Jake’s eyes to focus on Van. He leaned in, lips to lips and whispered, “I kinda love you, too.”
Jake blinked.
Then he grinned wide, chuckling. “Well, duh.”
Van proceeded to shut him right up.
March 2009
Van groaned and threw his script to the floor, letting his head fall back against the couch. He glanced over at Jake, deep in concentration with his own script and Van watched him, smiling softly at all the scrunched brow, biting lip going on.
“Why are you staring at me? It’s kind of creepy, Van.”
“What?” He crawled across the space between them, head falling on Jake’s lap, grinning. “I can’t stare at the hot boyfriend?”
Jake blushed and Van grinned harder. He didn’t even realize it. That was the one of the reasons he loved him so much.
He grabbed the hand that wasn’t holding onto the script, clasping and unclasping their fingers together. “So, I was thinking.”
“Never a good sign.” Jake said, without glancing up.
Van smacked his thigh hard. “Be quiet, asshole, and let me finish.”
“Finish.”
“After the cruise -”
“The one where we can’t touch or kiss or act in any way like a couple?”
Van rolled his eyes and snorted. “Seriously, did he think we’d fuck on deck or something?”
Jake shook his head. “Dickhead.”
Van wasn’t sure how Chris had figured out what was going on but he had. And even though he’d been “supportive”, he’d told them to keep their hands off each other at work and wait before going public. Then he’d lectured about proper behavior on their upcoming fan cruise. “Really.”
Jake grasped his fingers and Van’s attention focused on their hands.
“So, what were you going to say?”
Van took a deep breath. They’d had this conversation so many times over the last five months. Jake had always said it was Van’s call.
“I think - I want to -”
“You want to tell the world you’re head over heels- totally crazy in love with me, Hansis? Is that it?”
Van grinned, head moving back to look up at Jake. “No, I want to tell them you’re hot for my bod, actually.”
Jake paused then nodded. “Also true.”
Van laughed. “I knew it. You just want me for the pretty.”
He felt Jake’s stare and met it, sobering up at the question that he wasn’t asking. He answered it. “Yeah. I want to tell. At least the important people.”
Jake leaned down, kissing him hard and long.
Van opened his eyes when Jake pulled away and Jake watched him closely.
“You ready to do this?”
Van touched his face, fingers grazing over stubble and skin.
“Yeah, I’m ready.”
End.
