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FIC: take this cover up (ATWT, Luke/Noah, post show AU) - 3/3
Title: take this cover up (3/3)
Author(s):![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
freakykat
Rating: R
Characters: Luke Snyder/Noah Mayer, Noah Mayer/OMC, Luke Snyder/OMC
Word Count: 5860
Disclaimer: Don't own the boys, unfortunately. No money made. Not even a little bit. Not even at all.
Summary: Noah is getting married. Luke is hiding some truths.
Author’s Notes: I have no idea. It's this song's fault. I apologize profusely. There is...angst. Thanks tonoelleleithe for the beta. Mad ninja skills, that one. Song and lyrics from "Congratulations" by Blue October feat. Imogen Heap. Sorry for the delay. Hope it's worth it. :)
1. my chance of being open is broken...
2. my heart, my pain won't cover up...
3. I wanted to give you something I’ve been wanting to give to you for years…my heart.
Casey is waiting for him when he steps off the escalator into baggage claim. He smiles wide, waves as he moves around people, gives Casey a tight hug when he finally reaches him. “Thanks for picking me up, man.”
Casey shakes his head. “Don’t even worry about it.” He searches Luke’s face, some mixture of relief and sadness in his own when he finds whatever he was looking for. He takes Luke’s bag, guides him toward the exit.
“I think we need some tacos. And pizza.”
Luke chuckles at the combination of comfort food they’ve managed to make a tradition over the years.
“Bless your heart, Casey Hughes.”
Casey squeezes Luke’s wrist and they share a look.
“I’m sorry.”
Luke shakes his head. “I’m not.”
Noah still loves him. Even if they aren’t together, even if they never will be, Luke knows that fact won’t ever change.
--
“So.”
Luke wipes his mouth with a napkin, tries to swallow his taco before answering.
“So?”
“Everything is okay between you guys?”
Casey seems tentative with his questioning, like he thinks he’ll poke at some open wound that’s healing.
He’s always been pretty astute, that one.
“It hurts. I’m not going to lie about that. I love him. Sometimes, I can’t breathe when I think about him with anyone else. But -- he’s happy. I can’t take that away.”
Casey stares at him for several long seconds, searching for something that Luke can’t quite pinpoint. He glances down, concentrating hard on his hands. “I want you both to be happy.”
Luke smiles softly, reaches out to squeeze Casey’s hand. “I will be. One day.” He won’t lie to Casey and pretend that he doesn’t ache to have a life with Noah, to be able to call him his again but that’s not going to happen. Luke can accept that. It will take time to move past Noah (there’s not a chance in hell Luke will ever get over him) but he’ll do it.
He can adapt to a lot of things when he tries hard enough
--
It doesn’t go how he thinks it would have.
“Say something.”
Noah watches James warily from across the room. He’s sitting on their couch -- the one it took them an entire month to pick out -- staring at nothing in particular, hands folded together on his knees. When Noah speaks, he looks up at him and smiles wryly.
“What do you want me to say?”
“I don’t know, James. Something.” They’ve never been the type to keep things bottled up. It’s why he loves James. He helped him understand how speaking your mind was important if they were going to make this work.
“Am I okay with what happened?” James shrugs. “Not really, Noah. But I think you both needed that. Closure.” He studies Noah’s face, raises an eyebrow and asks quietly. “It was closure, right?”
Noah pauses and answers truthfully. “I don’t know. It felt like a big period at the end of what we were.”
James nods in satisfaction. “Okay.” He stands up, walking toward Noah and envelops him in a hug, pressing a kiss to his neck. Noah’s heart lifts in relief and he brings his hands up to James head, keeps him there.
“Are we okay?”
“We will be.” James mutters into his skin and Noah breathes deep, nods in return.
--
Surprisingly nothing really changes between them. Not on a major, huge level. Noah calls every week to relay news about California. Luke asks about the wedding plans and he means it when he laughs at the stories that Noah has to tell. It's never quite as easy as it used to be to ignore that pang deep in his chest when Noah laughs back. Luke starts to avoid the late night calls they once had whenever James was gone because it's too much to listen to Noah breathe over the line and not imagine himself in that bed with him, warm and happy.
Luke works hard on not thinking too much on it.
Noah calls him on it.
“I miss you, too, you know.”
Luke closes his eyes, clears his throat to make the lump that forms loosen. “Yeah. I know.”
“Then stop thinking that you’re the only one this hurts.”
They don’t talk about it directly after that but it’s always hanging there between them.
It’s his grandmother (and this doesn’t surprise Luke when he really thinks about it) who finally gives the perspective he needs. She doesn’t beat around the bush either.
“I understand you paid a visit to our lovely boy.”
Luke pauses with his fork half-way to his mouth, looking up to meet Lucinda’s calm expression, returning the eyebrow raise he receives. “I did, yes.”
“Hmmm. Is he as sweet and handsome as ever?”
He sets his fork down, leans back in his chair as he watches her study her food before biting into it. Her appetite hasn’t been the same for a while and he frowns at her, makes a mental note to talk to John.
“Of course. He’s Noah.”
She nods without looking up. “That is a wonderful point, darling.” Her nonchalance is so fake that Luke almost laughs. But it doesn’t last long as things with Lucinda aren’t prone to. It’s her bluntness he admires the most. When she meets his eyes, there’s a seriousness behind the gaze and he freezes under it. “Did you finally tell him you still love him?”
He blinks. “Have you been talking with Casey, Grandmother?”
She shakes her head. “Not recently, I have not.” He makes a gesture to indicate that he wants to know how she knew. Lucinda rolls her eyes. “Because it’s what I would have done. Fought for him.”
Luke gives her a sad smile. “I told him but there’s no fighting. He loves James. They’re getting married.” He tries to find the right words. “He needed to know the truth so he could let himself be happy. There’s no fighting.”
She stares at him for a long moment and then does the most undignified thing he’s ever seen her do: she snorts.
“That was complete and utter bullshit, Luciano.”
“Grandmother!”
She leans forward, hands on the table. “Listen to me carefully, sweetheart. You may not see it but you are waiting. And you are waiting because you believe somewhere inside that there’s still a chance.”
He doesn’t respond.
--
Noah takes another deep breath and checks the mirror for the hundredth time. He can't quite relate the man reflected there with the kid he still sees in his head whenever he looks at himself. He knows it's stupid. He hasn't been that freaked out kid for years now. It shouldn't feel like a lie but it kinda does. He turns in one direction then another and back again.
“Is everything all right, Mr. Mayer?”
He sees the worried expression on the tailor's face reflected in the mirror as Noah continues to look at himself. He tries to picture himself walking down the aisle with James at his side. Their families gathered to celebrate with them. He tries to think of the future after that.
He can't.
He loves James but he doesn't want to get married. That's the truth he needs to face. It doesn't feel right. Maybe it has to do with Luke. He can't pretend that didn't change something. But there's more to it. It's taken him way too long to feel comfortable loving someone again. James helped him realize he could do that.
Does he love James enough to marry him?
Maybe.
But he doesn't love him completely. His entire heart doesn't belong to him and Noah can't marry someone when he can't give himself over one hundred percent.
He's not built like that.
The reflection in the mirror looks determined and Noah turns around to look at the man standing nervously in the doorway.
“You did a great job, Mr. Crawford. Thank you.”
He'll still buy the tux.
--
He wraps James in his arms, tightening his hold as he speaks and whenever it feels like James wants to get up, move, get away, Noah kisses him still.
“I love you. I want this to work.”
“But you don't want to marry me.”
Noah sighs, eyes him carefully. “Let me ask you something and be honest.” It's a question he should have asked from the beginning. “Why did you ask me to marry you?”
“What?”
“You heard me.”
“Because I love you?”
“Yeah. No. That's not it. Love doesn't have to equal marriage. You were the one that told me that, remember? So why?”
“I want to build a life together.”
Noah squeezes him tighter. “We’re already doing that. Can we just -- you make me happy. That’s enough, right?”
James nods, kisses his fingers and cranes his neck to press his mouth to Noah‘s.
He closes his eyes and breathes.
--
He takes a trip to Milan to finalize the sale of the house he’d bought on his fateful trip that ended in a bitter ex-husband (he can’t believe it even now), broken hearts and disappointments. He’s not looking forward to dealing with Paolo. It’s always a balance of guilt and anger when he does. Their relationship is hostile on a good day.
Luke steps off the private plane into the rented town car and doesn’t speak to anyone except to check into his hotel. He can’t really sleep when he’s traveling and the exhaustion hits him as his gaze falls on the bed. He manages to send a text to his mother, tells her that he’s arrived then stares at his laptop for a few long seconds before deciding that his brain wasn’t functioning enough to bother. He turns off his phone, changes without unpacking and falls into sleep when his head hits the pillow.
He wakes up when the sound of a ringing phone seeps into his dreams. Luke glances at the clock on the bedside table, mutters a curse at the hour before he picks up the hotel phone. If it’s Paolo calling with some drunken rant, he’s going to kick his ass.
“This better be good.”
His voice is rough from sleep, mind still muddled in the between waking and dreaming, so it takes him a moment to process the voice and what it’s saying.
“Wait. Wait. Casey. What?”
He couldn’t have just said what he did.
Casey sighs loudly. “You heard me. Check your fucking email.” Then he hangs up, leaving Luke blinking the sleep from his eyes, heart thudding a million beats a minute. He scrambles from the bed, stands in the middle of the suite trying to orient himself. His laptop case is lying on the desk where he’d dropped it. It takes way too long to boot up and Luke taps an impatient rhythm on the varnished wood.
When he finally logs in and opens the email marked Urgent that is sent from Noah’s address, he’s close to hyperventilating. Luke knows whatever he finds there is going to change everything.
The email is simple and to the point. It thanks everyone for their support, their love. It says that the decision they’ve come to wasn’t easy but it’s the right one for them. It assures everyone that they are fine and still happy together.
It tells them the wedding is off…indefinitely.
Luke breathes through the shock, through the guilt, through the hope. He re-reads the email twenty times, focusing on the lines where Noah says that he and James are still together. Still happy. It helps keep his want from taking over.
He contemplates trying to sleep again but knows that’s not going to happen. He pulls the paperwork he has to go over with the lawyers but after ten minutes the words all just bleed together and he gives up. The clock says it’s just after four in the morning and he calculates the time in California. It’s just late night yesterday.
He turns his cell on, hits the speed dial button before he can change his mind, and forms what he’s going to say.
“Hey.”
It all chokes in his throat. Everything he thinks he should say and even those things he shouldn’t. He can’t tell Noah to choose him. To come back to him. To forget how he hadn’t done that and put them first. But that’s not fair. Because in nothing that Noah had said to them did he indicate he wasn’t still in love with James.
And James was a good man. Luke liked him.
“I just read your email.”
“Yeah?”
“Noah…if this is about what happened…if I somehow made things…”
“Shut up, Luke. It wasn’t about you.” There’s a strain in Noah’s voice when he says it and a part of Luke wants to call him out on the lie but he doesn’t. He just waits for whatever else Noah wants to say.
“I don’t regret anything we said that day, okay?”
Luke feels his heart expand and he smiles a little. “Okay.”
He should ask Noah if he wants to talk about it but Luke knows that if he hears what the problems are, he’ll do something to turn this all in his favor and that’s not right. He can’t do that to Noah.
He’ll just to wait.
He can do that.
--
For a few weeks after the email, everyone keeps looking at him expectantly like he’s supposed to be doing something he isn’t.
Luke ignores them.
He finishes arranging the sale of the house and aside from one very public fit that Paolo has (Luke is glad he only hears about it), it’s over. One of his biggest mistakes is taken care of with signatures and attorneys.
Then, Luke is free.
He feels it like he hasn’t in a long while.
Noah calls the day the sale is final and Luke loves him even more (if that’s possible) for worrying about him.
Summer passes into fall and everything goes back to normal.
Luke bides his time.
--
Noah doesn’t know what to do with his feelings for Luke and it’s becoming a constant fight with himself (and occasionally with James). It’s not like he will do anything about them. He’s committed to James, loves him and built a life on that.
Examining his love for Luke closely is something he spent too many years doing and rehashing that won’t get any of them anywhere.
So, he chooses to ignore it.
It’s his defense mechanism, anyhow.
James tries to get him to talk but for the first time since they’d moved in together he comes up against the steel wall that Noah can and has erected. It’s frustrating to him and Noah knows this. They can usually talk about everything but this was one subject Noah thought would never come up.
Because loving Luke was something he did quietly.
They don’t fight about it too much. Once in a while James tries to bring it up and Noah shuts him down.
But it doesn’t change their life and Noah just breathes through the moments where he desperately wants to hear Luke’s voice, turning his thoughts elsewhere.
Everything is fine.
Until Lucinda and John’s wedding.
They get the invitation in the mail a week before the actual ceremony. Apparently, John and Lucinda feel that they’ve “waited long enough might as well get it over with.” James and Noah laugh as they read it, deciding to go without hesitating.
It’s strange being home (no matter where he goes Noah thinks of Oakdale as home) after staying away for so long. It had been an unconscious decision that, like a lot of things, Noah doesn’t examine closely. Work prevents them from getting there any earlier than the morning of the ceremony and they rent a car to take them from the airport to the farm where everyone is getting ready.
Noah steps through the kitchen, heart stopping when Luke glances up and gives him a huge grin. “You made it!” He springs forward, hugs Noah hard, squeezing before letting go and turning to James. Faith and Nat drag him into a group hug.
He’s missed them.
Noah cranes his neck to glance back at Luke and James. He sees Luke talking fast, hands waving around and James looks about ready to laugh. He places his hand on Luke’s shoulder and shakes his head. Noah sees the line of Luke’s shoulders relax right before he hugs James again.
He turns his gaze away.
--
The wedding is crazy, with a million photographers milling around outside, tons of people Noah has never met. He’s not sure what will happen at the reception and James jokes that they may have to call in the National Guard.
Luke laughs and informs them that the reception is private, family and close friends only.
They should feel special.
Noah grins at him, their eyes catching for a moment before flicking in different directions. He catches James rolling his eyes but chooses not to say anything.
Catering outdoes itself and Noah is stuffed before the first hour is even over. He thinks John was in charge of that part because ribs, chicken and any kind of fixing you wanted plus a dessert table full of junk that might give Noah an early heart attack is not Lucinda Walsh’s style.
The band breaks into a rock rendition of some obscure song even he doesn’t know and yeah. John picked the music, too, he’s pretty sure.
“You having a good time?”
He grins before turning to answer Luke and the words stop in his throat.
There’s a tall, blond man, nice smile standing next to Luke. Actually, he’s holding on to Luke’s arm and Noah’s gaze can’t tear itself away. He knows Luke is making introductions that he should be paying attention to but his mind can’t quite understand what’s going on.
The guy is clearly Luke’s date.
And that’s… not new.
Luke has been dating for a long time.
Noah has met quite a number of them.
But this --
He wants to tear the guy’s hand off of Luke.
“Noah?”
James’ voice seems to sink through and Noah shakes his head clear, sticking his hand out to the outstretched one from…
“Oh, man. I’m sorry. I completely blanked out there. What’s your name again?”
He gets a laugh in response. “It’s okay. Ian. Nice to meet you Noah.”
“Likewise. You enjoying the craziness of the family?” He doesn’t look at Luke or James, keeps his focus on Ian.
“I’ve had previous exposure but not to this degree. It’s a little scary.”
Noah knows his smile is fake but figures the only ones that will know that are Luke and James. “Yes, they can be.”
So Ian isn’t new.
He flicks a look over to see Luke watching him carefully. Something in Noah’s face must register and Luke’s eyes soften. “Yeah. Ian is my new assistant at World Wide. He doesn’t have a lot of family in the area so Mom keeps inviting him over for food. You know how she thinks the world might starve if she doesn’t make sure she feeds them.”
Noah’s chest loosens, his smile more natural as he looks over at Ian again. “The Snyders like to pick up strays so prepare to be smothered.”
Ian laughs again then excuses himself leaving Luke, James and Noah to stare awkwardly at each other until Nat runs over, grabbing Noah’s hand to make him dance with her with a “seriously, Noah, your legs aren’t going to fall off if you do.”
Noah doesn’t think he’s ever loved the kid more.
--
He thinks that it’s going to blow over when nothing else happens on the trip. Luke doesn’t say a word about it and just talks to him like they always do. James kisses and hugs him like he always does.
Noah relaxes, relieved that maybe it wouldn’t be what it was.
Until they walk into the house in Los Angeles and James -- quiet, sweet James -- blows up.
Noah isn’t expecting it and he’s thrown for a good minute before he lets his own frustration at the whole situation out.
“Us not talking about this doesn’t make it non-existent, Noah. No matter how much you wish that was the case.”
“Not talking about it? That’s all we ,ever do anymore. Talk about it!”
“You swear up and down you want us to work but if you don’t acknowledge what this is doing to you, we might as well stop here.”
Noah tears his jacket off, flings it on the chair. “Fine. What do you want to talk about exactly, James? How I can’t seem to get over the boyfriend that dumped me years ago? Is that going to make it better?”
“At least it’s a start.” James crosses his arms, sighing deeply and Noah can tell he’s counting to ten before he starts speaking. “You were jealous.”
Noah scoffs.
James gives him a dark look. “Noah, I’ve known you almost four years now. I’ve never seen you look like that. You were ready to rip Ian’s hands off Luke. Tell me that’s not the truth.”
“I wasn’t --”
“Do not lie.” James raises a hand to stop him. “I can handle anything, Noah, but lying -- that’s non-negotiable.”
He’s never lied to James before, not on purpose, so Noah sighs, nods his head. “Okay. I was jealous.”
“Good. Now if we can get you to admit that it’s a rational response because you’re still completely in love with Luke, maybe we can get somewhere tonight.”
Noah flashes an angry glare at James. “I don’t want to talk about that. Not with you.”
“Oh, honey. See, I’m the one you need to talk about this with, okay? I’m the one who’s here.”
Noah drags his hands over his face, makes a noise he doesn’t recognize. “What good will that do?”
“It’ll force you to go for what you want, Noah. Come on.”
He takes a step towards James, waves a hand between them, “We’re together. You and me. This is what I need to focus on.”
James gives him a half smile. “Need to. Not want to.”
“Oh, Jesus, don’t turn my words around, please.”
“You’re telling me that if Luke walked in that door and declared he wanted you back, that he was willing to fight for you as long as it took, that you wouldn’t want to try again?”
Noah shakes his head. It’s a ridiculous scenario for so many different reasons but mostly because Luke wouldn’t do that. He’d been the one to always fight for them until he didn’t. “That’s not even --”
“Answer me, Noah.”
“This is stupid, James. What -- how is that even something that matters?”
“You’re stalling.”
“Let it go, James.”
“No. Tell me the truth.”
Noah throws his hands up. “Would you?!”
James’ answer stops him cold.
“In a fucking heartbeat.”
Noah meets his eyes and he doesn’t know what to say.
James walks to the window. “If Max walked in that door right now, Noah…if it was me in your situation and he’d been the one to tell me what Luke told you… I would have chosen him.” He glances back at Noah. “I still love him that much.”
Noah can’t say anything.
“Is that cruel of me to say? Because, baby, I’m not saying this to hurt you. I love you. I just-- I understand what you and Luke still have. It’s not something that goes away or that you can wish disappeared because you’re scared of what it means.”
“I’m not scared.”
James turns to look at him fully. “No. You’re terrified.”
He walks over to Noah, pushes him down on their couch, wraps an arm around him, kisses his hair. “Max is gone, Noah. He’s never walking through that door but -- if he could, what would you tell me to do?”
Noah closes his eyes. “I would want whatever makes you happy.”
“Exactly.”
Noah grips James’ shirt, turns his face into the familiar crook he’d built in James’ neck. “But you do make me happy.”
James presses his lips to Noah’s temple. “Then, choose what makes you happiest.”
--
Luke hears about the break up from Natalie first.
“Did you hear about Noah and James?”
And Luke’s heart almost climbs out of his chest.
He can’t decide what he should feel but he knows that Noah is the most important part of this. He needs to be there for him.
But he can’t.
He can’t be there with Noah.
Because there’s no one standing in his way.
And Luke…Luke knows he’ll take. Everything he wants.
That’s not right. It’s not fair. It’s not what Noah needs.
So he turns to the only other person who could understand how to help Noah.
Casey gives him a long look then smiles slowly, agrees to be there for Noah when Luke can’t. He takes a flight out as soon as it’s possible.
Luke feels better knowing that Noah has someone.
His mother and grandmother try to get him to call Noah but Luke wants to give him time.
Noah had been with James a long time.
Luke’s phone rings constantly for the two weeks that Casey is there. Noah’s in bad shape when their friend shows up, staying in bed for the first couple of days but once Casey starts his campaign to make him eat and shower, threatening to forcibly make him clean, Noah starts to come around. They start nightly video game marathons, eat lots of junk food, watch “ancient movies from before color was invented, you owe me, Snyder” and they talk. A lot.
Luke doesn’t ask about what and Casey tells him some things but Luke knows he’s holding things back.
That’s fine with him.
He doesn’t know if he can hear about how much Noah loves James, wants James back, can’t live without James. (He knows that he’s being a little overdramatic but he can’t help it.)
By the time Casey is ready to come home, Noah is talking to Luke every night. They go over their days (Noah’s much more interesting if you ask Luke), the family, movies they want to see, plans to visit, anything and everything that isn’t James.
Luke doesn’t push.
If Noah wants to talk about it, he will.
Eventually.
--
Getting over James is harder than he expects because even after he moved out, he was still a part of Noah’s life. They were friends, almost best friends, really, and Noah couldn’t go a day without talking to him. At first it’s hard because he forgets that he is alone again. Then, he remembers and he can’t breathe.
Casey helps a lot in that respect. He listens to Noah’s rants, whines, self-doubts, declarations of never finding anyone, ever. At that one, Casey snorts, shakes his head and gives him another beer.
It gets easier as the days turn to weeks and one day he realizes he’s okay when James calls to tell him he’s met someone. Noah waits for the explosion of pain in his stomach and chest. It never comes, and he sincerely tells James he’s happy for him.
Because he is .
He calls Luke to ask what he thinks Natalie might want for her birthday in a couple of months. Luke laughs, calls him a freak for shopping so early but supplies him with a list of things anyway.
The next night Noah calls to thank Luke and tell him he thinks he found the perfect present. They spend two hours on the phone talking about the birthday party that Lily is planning and Nat is dreading, Ethan’s tantrum over his new bike being taken away after he got a C on an exam, Faith and Parker’s turbulent relationship, Noah’s problems with his art director, his thoughts about moving somewhere that isn’t a huge house and anything that they can think of.
After that, it becomes a ritual to talk every night and they start treading on subjects they’d avoided before.
--
“It wasn’t that I didn’t love you, you know?”
“I know. It just felt like that.”
“I know.”
--
“Sometimes I wonder if we hadn’t broken up…
“What?”
“Would we have made it to now?”
“….”
“Noah?”
“Yeah.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. We would have.”
--
“Do you miss Oakdale?”
“At times.”
“What do you mean?”
“Sometimes I walk by this group of people that are noticeably family and I miss you all so sharply it hurts a little.”
“Hmmm. And other times?”
“I really like the quiet.”
Luke laughs hard.
--
“I didn’t marry him because I loved him.”
“Then why?”
“Because I knew I never could.”
--
“So.”
Luke brings his eyes up from the menu to meet Casey’s glare, raises an eyebrow at it.
They seem to begin a lot of their conversations this way.
“So?”
“Don’t make me wait another five fucking years, Snyder. Go get him already.”
Luke shakes his head. “Not yet.”
“Why not?”
“He’s not ready.”
Casey throws his own menu on the table, slams a hand on it and Luke shushes him. “Like hell he isn’t. What are you waiting for, Luke? Another engraved invitation mailed to the family?”
“The next one of those will have my name on it too so…”
Casey blinks at him.
Luke holds his stare. “I’m not giving him up. Ever. I’m just…biding my time. Waiting for him.”
“Waiting for him?”
Luke nods. “Yes. It’s his move. I made him wait once. I can return the favor.”
“Does he know that?”
“I’m pretty sure he does.”
They sit quietly and Luke thinks they’re done until Casey speaks again.
“How long you willing to wait?”
Luke doesn’t look up.
“Forever.”
--
Luke glances over at Noah crumpling napkins, dumping them into the trash bin before picking up his bag, the muscles on his shoulders flex when he stretches for something across the table and Luke swallows.
It’s been really hard to keep his hands to himself.
Noah turns quickly and Luke looks back down at his feet. They’d driven to the airport directly after breakfast, Noah saying his goodbyes to everyone. Luke drove, quiet as Noah talked about the project he had waiting. Back in California and away from Luke.
Three days and they haven’t talked about it.
Luke’s not complaining because the non-talking consisted of snuggling together on the couch and watching movies, whispered conversations, looks across the room at each other, laughing and smiling and touching. Lots of touching.
Luke forgot how tactile Noah really is.
They had stuck together at the party, Noah charming Nat’s friends and breaking in some new crushes. Luke hadn’t been able to take his eyes off him.
He’d tried to find the words all through the check-in and stopping for a snack, sitting across the table from Noah, being able to reach for him but he keeps hesitating.
But now, he would be leaving in minutes and…
He needed to say it out loud.
“Okay.”
Noah stops checking his flight information, turns to look at him. They are standing right outside security and this is it.
“I love you.”
Noah blinks at him.
“I know you know that but…I love you, Noah. Completely, head-over-heels, stupidly in love with you.”
There’s a flicker of something crossing Noah’s face but Luke doesn’t want to look too closely at it, pushes ahead. “I don’t want to pressure you, okay? If you still need more time after James, I understand. That was a big part of your life. I just want another chance. I want to make you happy. And I can wait. I can wait forever if you need me to.”
He walks closer, hands coming to rest on Noah’s waist as he pulls him in. “This hasn’t gone away. No matter how many times we’ve -- I’ve -- screwed up, it’s here. That means something.” There’s so much more to say but he doesn’t have the time so he says the first thought he has. “We know that we can love other people, that we can be happy. But…I’m happier with you.” Luke presses his lips against Noah’s, finds them malleable and shivers when Noah sighs into his mouth.
He pulls away before he can’t stop, forehead touching Noah’s and looks up at him. “I don’t want you to feel like you have to say anything right now. It’s okay. You’ve got to get home. I just wanted you to know that I’m going to be here, waiting. Always, baby.”
He kisses Noah once more, softly, “Call me when you get home, okay?“ then turns to the exit, doesn’t have the heart to look back because he knows he’ll beg Noah to stay and that’s not the way this need to happen.
He’s barely ten feet out the door and toward the parking lot when his phone rings and it’s Noah. Luke’s feet stutter to a halt when he picks it up.
“Hey. Did you forget something?”
“You could say that.”
Luke swallows. “Okay.”
“So this is definitely the Luke Snyder that just left me standing in the middle of the airport, right?”
Luke smiles, bites his lip. “Yeah, Noah. It’s me.”
“Oh, good. Just making sure. So, listen, I need to ask you something.”
Luke’s heart is racing and he grins because he knows this. He remembers this feeling.
“Ask.”
He hears steps behind him but doesn’t turn around.
“I think I’m going to miss my flight and will probably be sticking around Oakdale for a couple of more days. And I thought, maybe, you’d let me take you to dinner?”
Luke turns and Noah is standing a couple of feet away, eyes on Luke’s face.
“Is that something you’d like?”
His voice is soft, eyes clear blue and Luke knows that look, laughs as he closes his phone. He sniffles a little and nods, closing the distance between them, reaching for Noah.
“Yes. Absolutely, yes.”
End.
♥
Author(s):
freakykat Rating: R
Characters: Luke Snyder/Noah Mayer, Noah Mayer/OMC, Luke Snyder/OMC
Word Count: 5860
Disclaimer: Don't own the boys, unfortunately. No money made. Not even a little bit. Not even at all.
Summary: Noah is getting married. Luke is hiding some truths.
Author’s Notes: I have no idea. It's this song's fault. I apologize profusely. There is...angst. Thanks to
noelleleithe for the beta. Mad ninja skills, that one. Song and lyrics from "Congratulations" by Blue October feat. Imogen Heap. Sorry for the delay. Hope it's worth it. :)1. my chance of being open is broken...
2. my heart, my pain won't cover up...
3. I wanted to give you something I’ve been wanting to give to you for years…my heart.
Casey is waiting for him when he steps off the escalator into baggage claim. He smiles wide, waves as he moves around people, gives Casey a tight hug when he finally reaches him. “Thanks for picking me up, man.”
Casey shakes his head. “Don’t even worry about it.” He searches Luke’s face, some mixture of relief and sadness in his own when he finds whatever he was looking for. He takes Luke’s bag, guides him toward the exit.
“I think we need some tacos. And pizza.”
Luke chuckles at the combination of comfort food they’ve managed to make a tradition over the years.
“Bless your heart, Casey Hughes.”
Casey squeezes Luke’s wrist and they share a look.
“I’m sorry.”
Luke shakes his head. “I’m not.”
Noah still loves him. Even if they aren’t together, even if they never will be, Luke knows that fact won’t ever change.
--
“So.”
Luke wipes his mouth with a napkin, tries to swallow his taco before answering.
“So?”
“Everything is okay between you guys?”
Casey seems tentative with his questioning, like he thinks he’ll poke at some open wound that’s healing.
He’s always been pretty astute, that one.
“It hurts. I’m not going to lie about that. I love him. Sometimes, I can’t breathe when I think about him with anyone else. But -- he’s happy. I can’t take that away.”
Casey stares at him for several long seconds, searching for something that Luke can’t quite pinpoint. He glances down, concentrating hard on his hands. “I want you both to be happy.”
Luke smiles softly, reaches out to squeeze Casey’s hand. “I will be. One day.” He won’t lie to Casey and pretend that he doesn’t ache to have a life with Noah, to be able to call him his again but that’s not going to happen. Luke can accept that. It will take time to move past Noah (there’s not a chance in hell Luke will ever get over him) but he’ll do it.
He can adapt to a lot of things when he tries hard enough
--
It doesn’t go how he thinks it would have.
“Say something.”
Noah watches James warily from across the room. He’s sitting on their couch -- the one it took them an entire month to pick out -- staring at nothing in particular, hands folded together on his knees. When Noah speaks, he looks up at him and smiles wryly.
“What do you want me to say?”
“I don’t know, James. Something.” They’ve never been the type to keep things bottled up. It’s why he loves James. He helped him understand how speaking your mind was important if they were going to make this work.
“Am I okay with what happened?” James shrugs. “Not really, Noah. But I think you both needed that. Closure.” He studies Noah’s face, raises an eyebrow and asks quietly. “It was closure, right?”
Noah pauses and answers truthfully. “I don’t know. It felt like a big period at the end of what we were.”
James nods in satisfaction. “Okay.” He stands up, walking toward Noah and envelops him in a hug, pressing a kiss to his neck. Noah’s heart lifts in relief and he brings his hands up to James head, keeps him there.
“Are we okay?”
“We will be.” James mutters into his skin and Noah breathes deep, nods in return.
--
Surprisingly nothing really changes between them. Not on a major, huge level. Noah calls every week to relay news about California. Luke asks about the wedding plans and he means it when he laughs at the stories that Noah has to tell. It's never quite as easy as it used to be to ignore that pang deep in his chest when Noah laughs back. Luke starts to avoid the late night calls they once had whenever James was gone because it's too much to listen to Noah breathe over the line and not imagine himself in that bed with him, warm and happy.
Luke works hard on not thinking too much on it.
Noah calls him on it.
“I miss you, too, you know.”
Luke closes his eyes, clears his throat to make the lump that forms loosen. “Yeah. I know.”
“Then stop thinking that you’re the only one this hurts.”
They don’t talk about it directly after that but it’s always hanging there between them.
It’s his grandmother (and this doesn’t surprise Luke when he really thinks about it) who finally gives the perspective he needs. She doesn’t beat around the bush either.
“I understand you paid a visit to our lovely boy.”
Luke pauses with his fork half-way to his mouth, looking up to meet Lucinda’s calm expression, returning the eyebrow raise he receives. “I did, yes.”
“Hmmm. Is he as sweet and handsome as ever?”
He sets his fork down, leans back in his chair as he watches her study her food before biting into it. Her appetite hasn’t been the same for a while and he frowns at her, makes a mental note to talk to John.
“Of course. He’s Noah.”
She nods without looking up. “That is a wonderful point, darling.” Her nonchalance is so fake that Luke almost laughs. But it doesn’t last long as things with Lucinda aren’t prone to. It’s her bluntness he admires the most. When she meets his eyes, there’s a seriousness behind the gaze and he freezes under it. “Did you finally tell him you still love him?”
He blinks. “Have you been talking with Casey, Grandmother?”
She shakes her head. “Not recently, I have not.” He makes a gesture to indicate that he wants to know how she knew. Lucinda rolls her eyes. “Because it’s what I would have done. Fought for him.”
Luke gives her a sad smile. “I told him but there’s no fighting. He loves James. They’re getting married.” He tries to find the right words. “He needed to know the truth so he could let himself be happy. There’s no fighting.”
She stares at him for a long moment and then does the most undignified thing he’s ever seen her do: she snorts.
“That was complete and utter bullshit, Luciano.”
“Grandmother!”
She leans forward, hands on the table. “Listen to me carefully, sweetheart. You may not see it but you are waiting. And you are waiting because you believe somewhere inside that there’s still a chance.”
He doesn’t respond.
--
Noah takes another deep breath and checks the mirror for the hundredth time. He can't quite relate the man reflected there with the kid he still sees in his head whenever he looks at himself. He knows it's stupid. He hasn't been that freaked out kid for years now. It shouldn't feel like a lie but it kinda does. He turns in one direction then another and back again.
“Is everything all right, Mr. Mayer?”
He sees the worried expression on the tailor's face reflected in the mirror as Noah continues to look at himself. He tries to picture himself walking down the aisle with James at his side. Their families gathered to celebrate with them. He tries to think of the future after that.
He can't.
He loves James but he doesn't want to get married. That's the truth he needs to face. It doesn't feel right. Maybe it has to do with Luke. He can't pretend that didn't change something. But there's more to it. It's taken him way too long to feel comfortable loving someone again. James helped him realize he could do that.
Does he love James enough to marry him?
Maybe.
But he doesn't love him completely. His entire heart doesn't belong to him and Noah can't marry someone when he can't give himself over one hundred percent.
He's not built like that.
The reflection in the mirror looks determined and Noah turns around to look at the man standing nervously in the doorway.
“You did a great job, Mr. Crawford. Thank you.”
He'll still buy the tux.
--
He wraps James in his arms, tightening his hold as he speaks and whenever it feels like James wants to get up, move, get away, Noah kisses him still.
“I love you. I want this to work.”
“But you don't want to marry me.”
Noah sighs, eyes him carefully. “Let me ask you something and be honest.” It's a question he should have asked from the beginning. “Why did you ask me to marry you?”
“What?”
“You heard me.”
“Because I love you?”
“Yeah. No. That's not it. Love doesn't have to equal marriage. You were the one that told me that, remember? So why?”
“I want to build a life together.”
Noah squeezes him tighter. “We’re already doing that. Can we just -- you make me happy. That’s enough, right?”
James nods, kisses his fingers and cranes his neck to press his mouth to Noah‘s.
He closes his eyes and breathes.
--
He takes a trip to Milan to finalize the sale of the house he’d bought on his fateful trip that ended in a bitter ex-husband (he can’t believe it even now), broken hearts and disappointments. He’s not looking forward to dealing with Paolo. It’s always a balance of guilt and anger when he does. Their relationship is hostile on a good day.
Luke steps off the private plane into the rented town car and doesn’t speak to anyone except to check into his hotel. He can’t really sleep when he’s traveling and the exhaustion hits him as his gaze falls on the bed. He manages to send a text to his mother, tells her that he’s arrived then stares at his laptop for a few long seconds before deciding that his brain wasn’t functioning enough to bother. He turns off his phone, changes without unpacking and falls into sleep when his head hits the pillow.
He wakes up when the sound of a ringing phone seeps into his dreams. Luke glances at the clock on the bedside table, mutters a curse at the hour before he picks up the hotel phone. If it’s Paolo calling with some drunken rant, he’s going to kick his ass.
“This better be good.”
His voice is rough from sleep, mind still muddled in the between waking and dreaming, so it takes him a moment to process the voice and what it’s saying.
“Wait. Wait. Casey. What?”
He couldn’t have just said what he did.
Casey sighs loudly. “You heard me. Check your fucking email.” Then he hangs up, leaving Luke blinking the sleep from his eyes, heart thudding a million beats a minute. He scrambles from the bed, stands in the middle of the suite trying to orient himself. His laptop case is lying on the desk where he’d dropped it. It takes way too long to boot up and Luke taps an impatient rhythm on the varnished wood.
When he finally logs in and opens the email marked Urgent that is sent from Noah’s address, he’s close to hyperventilating. Luke knows whatever he finds there is going to change everything.
The email is simple and to the point. It thanks everyone for their support, their love. It says that the decision they’ve come to wasn’t easy but it’s the right one for them. It assures everyone that they are fine and still happy together.
It tells them the wedding is off…indefinitely.
Luke breathes through the shock, through the guilt, through the hope. He re-reads the email twenty times, focusing on the lines where Noah says that he and James are still together. Still happy. It helps keep his want from taking over.
He contemplates trying to sleep again but knows that’s not going to happen. He pulls the paperwork he has to go over with the lawyers but after ten minutes the words all just bleed together and he gives up. The clock says it’s just after four in the morning and he calculates the time in California. It’s just late night yesterday.
He turns his cell on, hits the speed dial button before he can change his mind, and forms what he’s going to say.
“Hey.”
It all chokes in his throat. Everything he thinks he should say and even those things he shouldn’t. He can’t tell Noah to choose him. To come back to him. To forget how he hadn’t done that and put them first. But that’s not fair. Because in nothing that Noah had said to them did he indicate he wasn’t still in love with James.
And James was a good man. Luke liked him.
“I just read your email.”
“Yeah?”
“Noah…if this is about what happened…if I somehow made things…”
“Shut up, Luke. It wasn’t about you.” There’s a strain in Noah’s voice when he says it and a part of Luke wants to call him out on the lie but he doesn’t. He just waits for whatever else Noah wants to say.
“I don’t regret anything we said that day, okay?”
Luke feels his heart expand and he smiles a little. “Okay.”
He should ask Noah if he wants to talk about it but Luke knows that if he hears what the problems are, he’ll do something to turn this all in his favor and that’s not right. He can’t do that to Noah.
He’ll just to wait.
He can do that.
--
For a few weeks after the email, everyone keeps looking at him expectantly like he’s supposed to be doing something he isn’t.
Luke ignores them.
He finishes arranging the sale of the house and aside from one very public fit that Paolo has (Luke is glad he only hears about it), it’s over. One of his biggest mistakes is taken care of with signatures and attorneys.
Then, Luke is free.
He feels it like he hasn’t in a long while.
Noah calls the day the sale is final and Luke loves him even more (if that’s possible) for worrying about him.
Summer passes into fall and everything goes back to normal.
Luke bides his time.
--
Noah doesn’t know what to do with his feelings for Luke and it’s becoming a constant fight with himself (and occasionally with James). It’s not like he will do anything about them. He’s committed to James, loves him and built a life on that.
Examining his love for Luke closely is something he spent too many years doing and rehashing that won’t get any of them anywhere.
So, he chooses to ignore it.
It’s his defense mechanism, anyhow.
James tries to get him to talk but for the first time since they’d moved in together he comes up against the steel wall that Noah can and has erected. It’s frustrating to him and Noah knows this. They can usually talk about everything but this was one subject Noah thought would never come up.
Because loving Luke was something he did quietly.
They don’t fight about it too much. Once in a while James tries to bring it up and Noah shuts him down.
But it doesn’t change their life and Noah just breathes through the moments where he desperately wants to hear Luke’s voice, turning his thoughts elsewhere.
Everything is fine.
Until Lucinda and John’s wedding.
They get the invitation in the mail a week before the actual ceremony. Apparently, John and Lucinda feel that they’ve “waited long enough might as well get it over with.” James and Noah laugh as they read it, deciding to go without hesitating.
It’s strange being home (no matter where he goes Noah thinks of Oakdale as home) after staying away for so long. It had been an unconscious decision that, like a lot of things, Noah doesn’t examine closely. Work prevents them from getting there any earlier than the morning of the ceremony and they rent a car to take them from the airport to the farm where everyone is getting ready.
Noah steps through the kitchen, heart stopping when Luke glances up and gives him a huge grin. “You made it!” He springs forward, hugs Noah hard, squeezing before letting go and turning to James. Faith and Nat drag him into a group hug.
He’s missed them.
Noah cranes his neck to glance back at Luke and James. He sees Luke talking fast, hands waving around and James looks about ready to laugh. He places his hand on Luke’s shoulder and shakes his head. Noah sees the line of Luke’s shoulders relax right before he hugs James again.
He turns his gaze away.
--
The wedding is crazy, with a million photographers milling around outside, tons of people Noah has never met. He’s not sure what will happen at the reception and James jokes that they may have to call in the National Guard.
Luke laughs and informs them that the reception is private, family and close friends only.
They should feel special.
Noah grins at him, their eyes catching for a moment before flicking in different directions. He catches James rolling his eyes but chooses not to say anything.
Catering outdoes itself and Noah is stuffed before the first hour is even over. He thinks John was in charge of that part because ribs, chicken and any kind of fixing you wanted plus a dessert table full of junk that might give Noah an early heart attack is not Lucinda Walsh’s style.
The band breaks into a rock rendition of some obscure song even he doesn’t know and yeah. John picked the music, too, he’s pretty sure.
“You having a good time?”
He grins before turning to answer Luke and the words stop in his throat.
There’s a tall, blond man, nice smile standing next to Luke. Actually, he’s holding on to Luke’s arm and Noah’s gaze can’t tear itself away. He knows Luke is making introductions that he should be paying attention to but his mind can’t quite understand what’s going on.
The guy is clearly Luke’s date.
And that’s… not new.
Luke has been dating for a long time.
Noah has met quite a number of them.
But this --
He wants to tear the guy’s hand off of Luke.
“Noah?”
James’ voice seems to sink through and Noah shakes his head clear, sticking his hand out to the outstretched one from…
“Oh, man. I’m sorry. I completely blanked out there. What’s your name again?”
He gets a laugh in response. “It’s okay. Ian. Nice to meet you Noah.”
“Likewise. You enjoying the craziness of the family?” He doesn’t look at Luke or James, keeps his focus on Ian.
“I’ve had previous exposure but not to this degree. It’s a little scary.”
Noah knows his smile is fake but figures the only ones that will know that are Luke and James. “Yes, they can be.”
So Ian isn’t new.
He flicks a look over to see Luke watching him carefully. Something in Noah’s face must register and Luke’s eyes soften. “Yeah. Ian is my new assistant at World Wide. He doesn’t have a lot of family in the area so Mom keeps inviting him over for food. You know how she thinks the world might starve if she doesn’t make sure she feeds them.”
Noah’s chest loosens, his smile more natural as he looks over at Ian again. “The Snyders like to pick up strays so prepare to be smothered.”
Ian laughs again then excuses himself leaving Luke, James and Noah to stare awkwardly at each other until Nat runs over, grabbing Noah’s hand to make him dance with her with a “seriously, Noah, your legs aren’t going to fall off if you do.”
Noah doesn’t think he’s ever loved the kid more.
--
He thinks that it’s going to blow over when nothing else happens on the trip. Luke doesn’t say a word about it and just talks to him like they always do. James kisses and hugs him like he always does.
Noah relaxes, relieved that maybe it wouldn’t be what it was.
Until they walk into the house in Los Angeles and James -- quiet, sweet James -- blows up.
Noah isn’t expecting it and he’s thrown for a good minute before he lets his own frustration at the whole situation out.
“Us not talking about this doesn’t make it non-existent, Noah. No matter how much you wish that was the case.”
“Not talking about it? That’s all we ,ever do anymore. Talk about it!”
“You swear up and down you want us to work but if you don’t acknowledge what this is doing to you, we might as well stop here.”
Noah tears his jacket off, flings it on the chair. “Fine. What do you want to talk about exactly, James? How I can’t seem to get over the boyfriend that dumped me years ago? Is that going to make it better?”
“At least it’s a start.” James crosses his arms, sighing deeply and Noah can tell he’s counting to ten before he starts speaking. “You were jealous.”
Noah scoffs.
James gives him a dark look. “Noah, I’ve known you almost four years now. I’ve never seen you look like that. You were ready to rip Ian’s hands off Luke. Tell me that’s not the truth.”
“I wasn’t --”
“Do not lie.” James raises a hand to stop him. “I can handle anything, Noah, but lying -- that’s non-negotiable.”
He’s never lied to James before, not on purpose, so Noah sighs, nods his head. “Okay. I was jealous.”
“Good. Now if we can get you to admit that it’s a rational response because you’re still completely in love with Luke, maybe we can get somewhere tonight.”
Noah flashes an angry glare at James. “I don’t want to talk about that. Not with you.”
“Oh, honey. See, I’m the one you need to talk about this with, okay? I’m the one who’s here.”
Noah drags his hands over his face, makes a noise he doesn’t recognize. “What good will that do?”
“It’ll force you to go for what you want, Noah. Come on.”
He takes a step towards James, waves a hand between them, “We’re together. You and me. This is what I need to focus on.”
James gives him a half smile. “Need to. Not want to.”
“Oh, Jesus, don’t turn my words around, please.”
“You’re telling me that if Luke walked in that door and declared he wanted you back, that he was willing to fight for you as long as it took, that you wouldn’t want to try again?”
Noah shakes his head. It’s a ridiculous scenario for so many different reasons but mostly because Luke wouldn’t do that. He’d been the one to always fight for them until he didn’t. “That’s not even --”
“Answer me, Noah.”
“This is stupid, James. What -- how is that even something that matters?”
“You’re stalling.”
“Let it go, James.”
“No. Tell me the truth.”
Noah throws his hands up. “Would you?!”
James’ answer stops him cold.
“In a fucking heartbeat.”
Noah meets his eyes and he doesn’t know what to say.
James walks to the window. “If Max walked in that door right now, Noah…if it was me in your situation and he’d been the one to tell me what Luke told you… I would have chosen him.” He glances back at Noah. “I still love him that much.”
Noah can’t say anything.
“Is that cruel of me to say? Because, baby, I’m not saying this to hurt you. I love you. I just-- I understand what you and Luke still have. It’s not something that goes away or that you can wish disappeared because you’re scared of what it means.”
“I’m not scared.”
James turns to look at him fully. “No. You’re terrified.”
He walks over to Noah, pushes him down on their couch, wraps an arm around him, kisses his hair. “Max is gone, Noah. He’s never walking through that door but -- if he could, what would you tell me to do?”
Noah closes his eyes. “I would want whatever makes you happy.”
“Exactly.”
Noah grips James’ shirt, turns his face into the familiar crook he’d built in James’ neck. “But you do make me happy.”
James presses his lips to Noah’s temple. “Then, choose what makes you happiest.”
--
Luke hears about the break up from Natalie first.
“Did you hear about Noah and James?”
And Luke’s heart almost climbs out of his chest.
He can’t decide what he should feel but he knows that Noah is the most important part of this. He needs to be there for him.
But he can’t.
He can’t be there with Noah.
Because there’s no one standing in his way.
And Luke…Luke knows he’ll take. Everything he wants.
That’s not right. It’s not fair. It’s not what Noah needs.
So he turns to the only other person who could understand how to help Noah.
Casey gives him a long look then smiles slowly, agrees to be there for Noah when Luke can’t. He takes a flight out as soon as it’s possible.
Luke feels better knowing that Noah has someone.
His mother and grandmother try to get him to call Noah but Luke wants to give him time.
Noah had been with James a long time.
Luke’s phone rings constantly for the two weeks that Casey is there. Noah’s in bad shape when their friend shows up, staying in bed for the first couple of days but once Casey starts his campaign to make him eat and shower, threatening to forcibly make him clean, Noah starts to come around. They start nightly video game marathons, eat lots of junk food, watch “ancient movies from before color was invented, you owe me, Snyder” and they talk. A lot.
Luke doesn’t ask about what and Casey tells him some things but Luke knows he’s holding things back.
That’s fine with him.
He doesn’t know if he can hear about how much Noah loves James, wants James back, can’t live without James. (He knows that he’s being a little overdramatic but he can’t help it.)
By the time Casey is ready to come home, Noah is talking to Luke every night. They go over their days (Noah’s much more interesting if you ask Luke), the family, movies they want to see, plans to visit, anything and everything that isn’t James.
Luke doesn’t push.
If Noah wants to talk about it, he will.
Eventually.
--
Getting over James is harder than he expects because even after he moved out, he was still a part of Noah’s life. They were friends, almost best friends, really, and Noah couldn’t go a day without talking to him. At first it’s hard because he forgets that he is alone again. Then, he remembers and he can’t breathe.
Casey helps a lot in that respect. He listens to Noah’s rants, whines, self-doubts, declarations of never finding anyone, ever. At that one, Casey snorts, shakes his head and gives him another beer.
It gets easier as the days turn to weeks and one day he realizes he’s okay when James calls to tell him he’s met someone. Noah waits for the explosion of pain in his stomach and chest. It never comes, and he sincerely tells James he’s happy for him.
Because he is .
He calls Luke to ask what he thinks Natalie might want for her birthday in a couple of months. Luke laughs, calls him a freak for shopping so early but supplies him with a list of things anyway.
The next night Noah calls to thank Luke and tell him he thinks he found the perfect present. They spend two hours on the phone talking about the birthday party that Lily is planning and Nat is dreading, Ethan’s tantrum over his new bike being taken away after he got a C on an exam, Faith and Parker’s turbulent relationship, Noah’s problems with his art director, his thoughts about moving somewhere that isn’t a huge house and anything that they can think of.
After that, it becomes a ritual to talk every night and they start treading on subjects they’d avoided before.
--
“It wasn’t that I didn’t love you, you know?”
“I know. It just felt like that.”
“I know.”
--
“Sometimes I wonder if we hadn’t broken up…
“What?”
“Would we have made it to now?”
“….”
“Noah?”
“Yeah.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. We would have.”
--
“Do you miss Oakdale?”
“At times.”
“What do you mean?”
“Sometimes I walk by this group of people that are noticeably family and I miss you all so sharply it hurts a little.”
“Hmmm. And other times?”
“I really like the quiet.”
Luke laughs hard.
--
“I didn’t marry him because I loved him.”
“Then why?”
“Because I knew I never could.”
--
“So.”
Luke brings his eyes up from the menu to meet Casey’s glare, raises an eyebrow at it.
They seem to begin a lot of their conversations this way.
“So?”
“Don’t make me wait another five fucking years, Snyder. Go get him already.”
Luke shakes his head. “Not yet.”
“Why not?”
“He’s not ready.”
Casey throws his own menu on the table, slams a hand on it and Luke shushes him. “Like hell he isn’t. What are you waiting for, Luke? Another engraved invitation mailed to the family?”
“The next one of those will have my name on it too so…”
Casey blinks at him.
Luke holds his stare. “I’m not giving him up. Ever. I’m just…biding my time. Waiting for him.”
“Waiting for him?”
Luke nods. “Yes. It’s his move. I made him wait once. I can return the favor.”
“Does he know that?”
“I’m pretty sure he does.”
They sit quietly and Luke thinks they’re done until Casey speaks again.
“How long you willing to wait?”
Luke doesn’t look up.
“Forever.”
--
Luke glances over at Noah crumpling napkins, dumping them into the trash bin before picking up his bag, the muscles on his shoulders flex when he stretches for something across the table and Luke swallows.
It’s been really hard to keep his hands to himself.
Noah turns quickly and Luke looks back down at his feet. They’d driven to the airport directly after breakfast, Noah saying his goodbyes to everyone. Luke drove, quiet as Noah talked about the project he had waiting. Back in California and away from Luke.
Three days and they haven’t talked about it.
Luke’s not complaining because the non-talking consisted of snuggling together on the couch and watching movies, whispered conversations, looks across the room at each other, laughing and smiling and touching. Lots of touching.
Luke forgot how tactile Noah really is.
They had stuck together at the party, Noah charming Nat’s friends and breaking in some new crushes. Luke hadn’t been able to take his eyes off him.
He’d tried to find the words all through the check-in and stopping for a snack, sitting across the table from Noah, being able to reach for him but he keeps hesitating.
But now, he would be leaving in minutes and…
He needed to say it out loud.
“Okay.”
Noah stops checking his flight information, turns to look at him. They are standing right outside security and this is it.
“I love you.”
Noah blinks at him.
“I know you know that but…I love you, Noah. Completely, head-over-heels, stupidly in love with you.”
There’s a flicker of something crossing Noah’s face but Luke doesn’t want to look too closely at it, pushes ahead. “I don’t want to pressure you, okay? If you still need more time after James, I understand. That was a big part of your life. I just want another chance. I want to make you happy. And I can wait. I can wait forever if you need me to.”
He walks closer, hands coming to rest on Noah’s waist as he pulls him in. “This hasn’t gone away. No matter how many times we’ve -- I’ve -- screwed up, it’s here. That means something.” There’s so much more to say but he doesn’t have the time so he says the first thought he has. “We know that we can love other people, that we can be happy. But…I’m happier with you.” Luke presses his lips against Noah’s, finds them malleable and shivers when Noah sighs into his mouth.
He pulls away before he can’t stop, forehead touching Noah’s and looks up at him. “I don’t want you to feel like you have to say anything right now. It’s okay. You’ve got to get home. I just wanted you to know that I’m going to be here, waiting. Always, baby.”
He kisses Noah once more, softly, “Call me when you get home, okay?“ then turns to the exit, doesn’t have the heart to look back because he knows he’ll beg Noah to stay and that’s not the way this need to happen.
He’s barely ten feet out the door and toward the parking lot when his phone rings and it’s Noah. Luke’s feet stutter to a halt when he picks it up.
“Hey. Did you forget something?”
“You could say that.”
Luke swallows. “Okay.”
“So this is definitely the Luke Snyder that just left me standing in the middle of the airport, right?”
Luke smiles, bites his lip. “Yeah, Noah. It’s me.”
“Oh, good. Just making sure. So, listen, I need to ask you something.”
Luke’s heart is racing and he grins because he knows this. He remembers this feeling.
“Ask.”
He hears steps behind him but doesn’t turn around.
“I think I’m going to miss my flight and will probably be sticking around Oakdale for a couple of more days. And I thought, maybe, you’d let me take you to dinner?”
Luke turns and Noah is standing a couple of feet away, eyes on Luke’s face.
“Is that something you’d like?”
His voice is soft, eyes clear blue and Luke knows that look, laughs as he closes his phone. He sniffles a little and nods, closing the distance between them, reaching for Noah.
“Yes. Absolutely, yes.”
End.
♥