NaNo Fic: Find Your Way Through Me (ATWT, Luke/Noah, AU) - Chapter Fourteen

[freakykat]

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Title: Find Your Way Through Me
Author: freakykat
Rating: NC-17
Chapter: Chapter Fourteen
Pairing: Luke/Noah, some other surprise pairings
Summary: Where there is darkness, find your way through me.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything.
Beta: Thanks to noelleleithe for her always awesome ninja skills
W/C: 3680
Warnings: MAJOR ANGST, some character death, violence
Author’s Note: Thanks for the being patient, guys. See! Getting better. Only a couple of weeks wait on this one, lol.
Story Notes: Found in Chapter One.

All chapters found here.







Chapter Fourteen


“Hey, baby, I'm here.”

Noah blinked several times in an effort to clear his mind and make the vision of Luke, because that was what it had to be, disappear. He couldn't handle if it was real, if he reached out and could touch Luke. He bent his head, flexing his fingers against his thighs as he sat on the bed. He started to count to ten.

Luke isn't here, he told himself.

“I'm not going away no matter how much you wish it.”

Noah covered his face with his hands and sighed. “Goddamnit, Carly.” His mother could never stay out of anything. His insides were curling around that emotion, that love, that he couldn't run from with Luke. It took every ounce of willpower to resist him on a good day.

Today wasn't a good day.

He thought if he could get Luke to leave then he could hide under the covers until morning. Noah would forget all about his drunken confessions to his mother. He could push away wanting to cling to Luke and never letting go. That wasn't something he could have.

“You need to go home, Luke.”

He glanced up, caught relief and humor in Luke's eyes as he met his gaze.

“Well, at least you're acknowledging I'm actually real. That's a step forward.”

His head was fuzzy, his fingers trembled and Noah tried to stand up, to make Luke go away before he said things he couldn't take back. Like how much he missed him and needed him. Except that when he pushed to his feet, the room began to spin and he fell back against the bed.

That wasn't exactly the best sign.

“Fuck. Noah.”

He looked up at the sound of Luke's voice, edged with anger and something more that he couldn't let himself hear or he'd grab Luke, flip him on the mattress and kiss him until they couldn't breathe. Probably even past that. But that was another bad idea.

Luke's warm hands were cradling his face and Noah leaned into them, gasped when that pinprick of awareness rose in his nerves. It was always like this, being with Luke. Not just feeling it on his body but in his heart and mind. He shivered, shook his head.

“I can't kiss you.”

Luke's hands stopped their soothing and Noah met stormy gold-brown. “You can always kiss me.”

Noah snorted because that wasn't true. “No. I won't. Don't want you to taste,“ and he made a vague gesture to his mouth. He watched confusion form on Luke's face and made a frustrated sound, “you know, too much.” He couldn't remember the right word.

Luke started to laugh, shaking with mirth. “You think I'm going to get drunk from all the alcohol you might have consumed?” Noah glared at Luke until he stopped giggling. He sobered up fast, studying Noah for a long time before nodding. “Actually, that's probably a good point. How much did you have tonight, babe?”

Not enough if he could still follow the conversation, he thought.

“I'm not sure you are following it.”

Noah blinked. Had he said that out loud?

Luke snorted. “Yeah, you did.” He stood over Noah, arms crossed. “Which means it was more than fucking enough.” Before Noah could protest, Luke grabbed his shoulders, guiding him toward the bathroom. This wasn't exactly new with them and it brought back a rush of memories – early morning showers where they were fuzzy and pliant, late night baths when one of them had had a particularly bad day, one extremely memorable afternoon where Luke had fucked him through the tiled floor...

Noah shivered as Luke's fingers worked the buttons of his shirt. He reached for Luke's hands, pushing them away but received a smack on his arm in return. He glanced up at Luke, catching the angry glare he was sending Noah. “Let me help you.”

Noah shook his head. He couldn't think with Luke so close (and he was already having problems with that). He didn't want to say or do anything he couldn't take back. “I'm not an invalid. Just drunk.” The words were slightly slurred and the corner of Luke's mouth quirked up despite the heat in his eyes.

“Right. So your coordination isn't exactly the best right now, Noah. Stop fighting and let me do this.” Luke cleared his throat, fingers brushing lightly over the skin he was exposing as he went. “Not like it's the first time I've done it.”

Noah closed his eyes, remembered how he'd melt under Luke's touch whenever he'd gotten in the mood to take care of him. Not that Luke ever stopped taking care of Noah. There were just times that all Luke wanted was to touch him. To rub against his skin and kiss it. Make Noah open to him. Those were the moments when their connection had been the most overwhelming. Noah would end up feeling everything Luke felt mixed with his own emotions. It was breathtaking and frightening, addicting in the best sense.

He shook away, stepping back from Luke, his hand warding him off. “I said stop it. I don't need your help. What I need is for you to go home. Now.” The words were stilted, his voice held no passion or conviction. It was all he could do to even utter them when what he wanted was to feel Luke's skin on his, to take his comfort where he'd always found it.

Luke said nothing as he moved around Noah toward the shower, turning it on full blast, testing the water. When he finally looked over at Noah, his mouth was a hard line. “Why are you doing this?”

Noah took a deep breath. The question was like a punch to his gut. Luke had never asked him that directly. He'd never pushed Noah, letting him go on like he had indefinitely. “I've done enough damage to you -”

Luke waved a hand to cut him off. “Do not!” He breathed harshly, eyes narrowed at Noah. “It was never your fault. You know that.” Luke closed his eyes and Noah could tell he was counting in his head. One of the few ways that Dr. Martin had taught Luke to center himself.

Before Noah could respond, Luke opened his eyes, strode over with determination and stepped into Noah's space. His hands reached for Noah's open shirt and pushed it down his shoulders, running one hand over the bare skin. He pressed his forehead into the warm nook between Noah's neck and shoulder, placed a kiss there.

Noah's hands fisted into the fabric of Luke's shirt, clenching hard, and he shuddered under the attention. Luke sighed, the hot breath hitting Noah's skin and making him bite his lip to keep a groan inside. “Luke.”

“Right. No. Yeah.” Luke pulled back, stepped aside to let Noah further into the room. He looked like he was contemplating saying something else but in the end he motioned toward the door. “I'm going to make you some tea, maybe toast.”

“I don't need --”

Luke paused at the door, not looking back as he said, “I don't care,” closing the door behind him softly.

Noah braced his hands on the sink, pushed away the tears that wanted to escape. His fingers trembled and his chest ached with every single thing he wanted to have.

**

As the water beat down on his head, clearing away the remnants of the alcohol, Noah felt his resolve harden. He wiped water from his face, listing in his head the stupid reasons (and contrary to what anyone thought, he knew they were stupid) for not being with Luke. Every time he had to face that choice it became more difficult to actually believe he was doing the right thing.

He wondered why he kept pushing Luke away when all they had ever needed was each other. The answer was easier than he thought. Shutting off the shower, he stepped on the cold tile floor, shivering at the contact. The steamed up mirror reflected a blurred version of himself. If that wasn't symbolic, Noah didn't know what was.

He dried off, walking into the bedroom to find his pajamas already lying on the bed.

It was like so many times before that it made his stomach twist with all the memories that simple gesture carried.

Noah sighed.

It was time.

Dressed and ready for whatever was going to happen, he made his way out into the living room, pausing at the entrance from the hall to watch Luke move quietly around the room. He was making up the couch, intent on staying despite whatever Noah had said.

“You never did listen.”

Luke tensed and shrugged without glancing back. “It's one of my best qualities.”

Noah snorted. “You keep telling yourself that, Snyder.” He watched Luke as he kept his back to him. He could read in his movements, the way he held his head and arms, that Luke was in battle mode. Noah understood. This – this had been a long time coming.

Luke grabbed one of the pillows, rearranging it on the couch, not looking directly at Noah. “I'm so mad at you sometimes that I can't even see straight.”

Noah wasn't surprised about that. He felt the same way at the beginning.

Luke finally turned, and they stared at each other from fifteen feet apart, Luke's smirk familiar, irritating in a way only Luke could be.

“At least you admit it now.”

Luke raised an eyebrow. “I'm sorry, admit what?”

Noah didn't have to say it and he knew the moment it dawned on Luke what he meant. His face turned red, heat flaring in his eyes and he shook his head.

“What the fuck, Noah? Don't you dare try to make it sound like I have ever blamed you! It wasn't your -”

Noah's hands clenched into fists at his sides. “Then whose fault was it?! It wasn't yours for trying to save me. It wasn't Liberty's for dying.” His voice had risen in volume and for a second he watched Luke's eyes widen at that. Then the surprise was gone and left in its place was anger.

“Maybe it was the crazy psycho that was holding you in that room and had killed four people before Liberty?” His voice was calm when he spoke but Noah knew better because Luke was trembling with contained fury.

“I was supposed to protect you!”

Luke threw his hands in the air. “Oh, I get it! I couldn't risk my life but if it had been me in that position, if Justin had managed to grab me, tie me to a chair and torture me while making me watch him kill someone I knew and cared about, then you doing whatever necessary to save me, that would have been okay.”

Out of nowhere, something soft hit Noah's face hard enough to sting. It took him several seconds to realize that, yes, Luke had just smacked him with a throw pillow.

“Fuck you, Noah. No, really. Fuck you.”

The air in the apartment was getting thicker by the minute. Tension blanketed them as they stared hard at one another.

“It was my job.”

The excuse was weak even to his own ears and Noah knew Luke felt the same way when he glared at him.

Luke shook his head. “I was – am – your partner. The guy you share all your worries with. The one who supports you when you need it. Not some helpless prince in a story, okay? Me? I'm real. We are real. And that means, I get to rescue you when you need it. No matter what. You don't get to make that choice for me.” Luke took a deep breath, eyes closing. “Anymore than I get to choose for you.”

Noah breathed in, trying to remember all the reasons he did what he did. They didn't come to him anymore, had changed over time. Because the guilt and the remorse he felt were different.

“I left you.”

It was that simple.

Luke grimaced, swallowed and nodded. “I know.”

Noah looked at him, brow furrowed. “Why don't you hate me for it?” He met Luke's gaze. “I don't understand that.”

Luke sighed, crossing his arms. “I'm sorry if I gave you the impression that I'm not pissed at you for making me wait this long. Because if it makes you feel better I am. Very angry. But I could never and will never hate you.”

Noah shook his head. “I don't -”

“Don't you finish that sentence, Noah.”

“It's how I feel!” Noah threw his hands up, shaking from all those things he'd felt being let loose for once. “I left you. After I swore I never would. I lost myself when all that should have mattered was you.”

Noah shut his eyes, taking a steadying breath and he spoke so quietly that he wasn't sure Luke could hear him.

“There was nothing.”

The words were out before Noah even realized he was going to say them.

Luke turned to stare at him, brow furrowed in confusion. “I don't -”

“When you were gone – in that place I couldn't reach you – it felt like I was walking through empty space. All there was around me was darkness. Complete and total. Like when I couldn't see. But even then, I had you. This time I had nothing.”

He could see the tears gathering in Luke's eyes but he couldn't stop. Once that dam was opened it was impossible to stop it up.

“Those days that turned into months, it was like I was slowly dying. I had to remind myself to breathe, to eat, how to get up in the morning. I swear to God, Luke, if I could have laid down on that bed and disappeared with you, I would have.”

His voice was shaking, choked with hot tears that he hadn't cried. “And that all turned into hate. At myself, at you, at Justin, at the whole fucking world. It was ugly and mean and when I found Justin, I let that take over and I... I can't change that.”

Noah was shaking, voice faltering. “I made it possible for them to take you away. Instead of helping you...I made it worse.” He waved one trembling hand in the air, not meeting Luke's pained stare. “And now... it's happening again and I couldn't stop it. I couldn't save her.”

He started to fold when the rush of all the guilt and anger and sadness burst out of the cage he'd kept them in, overwhelming him. His past and present all merging together. Noah wanted to be stronger, needed to be the one that didn't break, but it was too much.

When he felt Luke's hands on him, rush of electricity that meant they were connected again, that Luke was there with him, that he wasn't alone, he let loose the tears that had been coiled in his chest. He buried his face in Luke's neck, clung to his arms. It was something he'd denied himself for so long that he wasn't sure he could ever move from the spot he was now in.

Luke was the first to take a step back, looking up with eyes that shone with every emotion he felt for Noah.

He knew that look. One that had been aimed at him his whole life. It had never changed, no matter what happened between them, it was always there.

“Luke, I -”

Luke's mouth cut off his words, warm and demanding in every way Noah remembered and in some that he'd never known. His hands delved into Luke's hair, holding him steady, releasing a whimper and plundering with tongue and teeth. Their hands roamed over and under clothes to touch skin, dig nails into flesh and leave their marks where they could be seen. Noah wretched his mouth off Luke's, head thrown back and gasped when Luke bit on the tendon of his neck, licking the sting away almost immediately.

Noah shuddered, walked them through the hall, stopping to kiss Luke against a wall once, hands bracketed on either side of Luke's head. He felt his heart beating, loud and fast, in his chest. His skin tingled, that sensation that he associated with touching Luke, running through his veins.

The thought of stopping crossed his mind briefly. If this happened, if he and Luke did this then there would be no way of going back. He wouldn't give it up again.

They reached the bedroom and Noah's eyes widened as he fell back onto the mattress, Luke pulling frantically at his shirt. He flung it away, undoing his pants and shoving them to the floor. Noah followed the jutting line of Luke's dick under the black briefs that were the only barrier between them. He kept silent as Luke crawled toward him, pushed his shirt and sleep pants out of the way. When their skin touched for the first time, they let out a combined gasp, fingers searching over pliable flesh. Noah swallowed, meeting Luke's unguarded look.

He frowned at Luke when his roaming hands were pushed down.

Luke pinned him with a look, a quiet “I'm here, baby,” the only explanation he received before Luke's mouth fused to Noah's skin. Noah arched up into the warmth, breath caught in his throat, hands reaching for Luke's head. He was hard and aching. He could feel Luke's erection straining against his hip and he lifted his legs, pushed at the offending material of their underwear until Luke got the hint and shimmied his hips to help. He assisted Noah with his own, smiling against Noah's chest when the glide of their cocks made Noah groan out a “Fuck.”

“I'm trying, honey.”

Noah would have laughed if he had been able to think at all.

Once they were naked, skin on skin, Luke's concentration turned back to Noah. It had, at times, been too much, all that focus, leaving Noah completely undone with just Luke's touch or his lips or his eyes. But in that moment, Noah ached for it, needed to taste and touch and smell Luke.

Luke's tongue circled the tight peak of Noah's nipple, biting then sucking hard, making Noah's vision cloud with pent up want, sending a shiver down his spine. He tightened his grip on Luke's head, pulling hard, hearing that tell of Luke's pleased hum.

He needed to touch but Luke dodged his hands, moved slowly down Noah's skin, nosing over the ridges of Noah's defined stomach, dropping small kisses along the way. When he bit down on the fleshy inside of Noah's thigh, all Noah could do was moan Luke's name, drawn out and pleading.

He let go of Luke's head, his hands fisting in the sheets, and he glanced down, meeting Luke's almost shy look. He released a half-sob, half prayer as the heat of Luke's mouth surrounded his aching cock. Noah's eyes closed, mouth hung open in a silent moan and he arched up, seeking the wet warmth. He trembled, breathing harsh and he felt that slow build of light flowing under his skin.

Everything they felt was always magnified.

Luke hummed around him and Noah choked back on a scream. In the part of his brain that was still functioning, he had a flash of that first time with Luke, of how he'd stopped breathing, so overwhelmed from the wave of want and happiness that had rushed through them.

That connection had never faltered.

His orgasm began to build from his toes, brushing its way through his limbs to pool at the base of his spine and then burst like lightning all the way to his chest. His skin was on fire, singed by Luke's touch. Noah gripped Luke's head again, trying to pull his mouth off, to warn him, but Luke didn't move, only taking Noah deeper.

Noah arched, head thrown back as he spilled white hot into Luke's mouth, shivering when he felt Luke's throat work to swallow Noah. He floated in sensations for several minutes, or hours for all he knew, and when he came back down Luke was taking his time sucking gently, licking clean Noah's cock before sliding up his body. He paused to lock their eyes before leaning in and kissing him, letting Noah taste himself on Luke's tongue.

He shuddered, gripping Luke's shoulders before pulling away to bury his nose in the crook of Luke's neck.

“I missed you.”

Luke's stuttered laugh, wet and breathy, made Noah glance up. He ran his hand down Luke's back and over his hip, reaching under to grasp him. He needed to feel Luke's weight in his hand, his mouth.

Luke fumbled for Noah's hand, guiding it back up to his lips, dropping kisses on the knuckles and at the frown Noah gave him, he brushed one at the corner of Noah's mouth.

“It's okay, baby.”

Noah tried to move his hands back down. “I want to, Luke.”

Luke gave him a sheepish look then moved their joined hands down, smearing Noah's fingers in the drying come spilling on Noah's thigh. He looked up with wide eyes, his quiet “oh” making Luke grin sleepily at him.

Noah felt that bubble of light rise up in his chest and he smiled, wrapping arms around Luke.

Luke sighed, burying his nose in Noah's neck and gripped back, strong and sure.

Noah played with Luke's hands, soft caresses, relearning the skin there, twining fingers together. He listened as Luke's breath deepened as he fell toward sleep.

“If you change your mind in the morning, I will kill you, Mayer.”

Noah gave him a squeeze as his answer and closed his eyes when Luke responded with his own in return.



|Part Fifteen|

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♥