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NaNo Fic: Find Your Way Through Me (ATWT, Luke/Noah, AU) - Chapter Twelve
It's back finally! Sorry about the delay and to anyone that is wanting to read this still, check out the author's note about new posting schedule.
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kari77 - thank you so much, sweetie!
Title: Find Your Way Through Me
Author:freakykat
Rating: NC-17
Chapter: Chapter Twelve
Pairing: Luke/Noah, some other surprise pairings
Summary: Where there is darkness, find your way through me.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything.
Beta: The phenomenal and wonderfulnoelleleithe who has steadily and patiently been kicking my ass to finish this.
W/C: 3925
Warnings: MAJOR ANGST, some character death, violence
Author’s Note: Hey guys, sorry about the three month delay. Big Bang kicked my ass. However, since the new NaNo is just around the corner I will be posting at least one chapter every Sunday (possibly more) until it's finally all up. Thanks for the patience.
Story Notes: Found in Chapter One.
All chapters found here.
Chapter Twelve
Luke leaned his head back, watching the stars appear in the night sky and he took another sip of Emma’s hot chocolate. It could cure everything.
Except his fights with Noah.
Those were far and few between but when they happened - they were rough. They were both stubborn. And they both loved each other too much to hold back. Which was really fucked up but at least it was honest.
He hadn’t wanted to have his parent’s relationship. Threading around each other while you lied. Hurting each other every day. Never dealing with what was in front of them.
That wasn’t how it was supposed to work.
So, no matter how much it hurt, he and Noah never shoved anything aside.
He didn’t look up when he heard the creak of the porch door. Just pushed gently against the floor with bare feet and set the porch swing in motion.
Noah took the seat next to his, tucking his feet up on the padded bench and turning sideways to lean against the wooden arm. There was a rustling sound and Luke was too curious not to glance over. Noah held a paper bag from Al’s in his hand.
“You think bringing Vienna’s peanut butter cookies is going to make me stop thinking you’re a jackass?”
Noah glanced up, raising an eyebrow. “Who said they were for you?”
Luke snorted but said nothing as he gulped another bit of his chocolate.
They sat in silence for some time, the only sounds being the quiet squeak of the swing, Noah’s soft munching and Luke’s occasional sips. Maybe a random cricket or two made it into the symphony they had going.
Luke knew Noah was going to speak and he cut him off quickly. “If this is the start of another ‘I’m not good father material’ speech, you can save it.”
Noah cleared his throat and Luke looked over reluctantly. He knew Noah believed that somehow being the Colonel’s son made him unworthy or unable to be a parent. It didn’t help that Jack and Carly had barely made a stable home for him.
“I’m scared to screw it up, Luke.” He held up his hand when Luke started to argue and continued. “And this doesn’t have anything to do with Carly. Because yeah - she fucked up a lot - but I never thought she didn’t love me. That’s the one thing I know about my mother. She loves me.”
Luke set his cup down on the floor and turned to face Noah.
“Then what is it?”
“I love you. I love you so much it fucking hurts.”
Luke swallowed and reached his hand out to take Noah’s. “I’m there with you, baby.” He waited while Noah gathered his thoughts or courage to keep talking. “Go ahead.”
Noah set the bag aside and scooted up until their knees touched and he could grip the back of Luke’s head. “I don’t want to screw this up and I - I don’t know if you - what if you decide one day that you‘ve had enough of my bullshit?”
Luke blinked at Noah. “Wait. You think I’m - baby, I’m not going anywhere.” He pulled their heads together. “And please. I think my shit beats yours any day of the week, okay? Are you planning on walking away?”
Noah shook his head. “I couldn’t even if I wanted to.”
Luke smiled, fingers sliding down Noah’s face gently. “Okay, then. Good. But what does that have to do with having kids?”
Noah glanced away, a muscle in his jaw ticking, and Luke knew the words before they came out. “What if I’m not good enough for that? DNA talks, Luke. And my father -”
“Was an asshole who never loved anyone. That’s not you.”
Noah shook his head and looked away. Luke sighed, grabbing his chin and forcing his gaze back, locking it with his own. “Listen to me, Mayer. You are one of the most decent men I have ever known. You’re kind and fair. You live - literally - to protect others. You love so deeply that it scares me sometimes. I’ve seen you with my brother and sisters. They love you. Ethan thinks you hung the moon. I've watched you raise your brothers and sister. You’d die for them. For me. For anyone you love. You will be a great father.”
Luke kissed Noah’s rebuttal away, holding his face with both hands, until he felt Noah give way, open up to him. When he pulled back, Noah’s eyes fluttered open and he grinned at Luke. “Your powers of persuasion are mighty, Snyder.”
Luke laughed, shaking his head. “You are a dork.”
Noah nodded. “But you love me anyway.”
“Sadly this is true.”
“Oh, fuck you.”
Noah’s face turned serious and he sighed. “I want everything with you, Luke. But I’m not sure I’m ready yet.”
Luke rolled his eyes. “No shit. I wasn’t talking about going out and adopting tomorrow. I just - I want to have a family someday. With you. I just want that option.”
Noah nodded, leaning back and Luke repositioned himself, back to Noah’s chest, sighing when warm arms wrapped around him.
“I’m open to that option.”
Luke grinned, turning his head slightly to accept a kiss. “Good.” He glanced down at the fallen bag and raised an eyebrow. “What do you say we seal the deal? You give me some o' them there cookies and I’ll let you have some of Emma’s hot chocolate.”
Noah’s laugh rumbled out into the night.
*
Jade stood near the back door watching as her cousin, her best friend, stared unseeing out into the moon-shadowed fields. She bit back a sigh, rolling her head slowly to ease the tension that had gathered at the base of her spine. Closing her eyes, she tried not to see Vienna's pale, cold body as it had been when she'd taken Henry down to the morgue to identify his wife. It was a part of it, especially in a town like Oakdale, to expect to know some of the bodies that she might run across in the course of her job. It wasn't the first time.
She feared it wouldn't be the last.
It was a scary thought. Oakdale wasn't a mecca for most anything but it had its fair share of crime for a town with such a small population. Sometimes, Jade thought she might want to take her chances in the city. The crime rate was higher but so was the number of people; it made the odds stack more in your favor.
Jade shivered as a crisp wind blew around them, drifting through the mesh of the screen door. Her eyes fell on Luke once more and she didn't want to think about what it had been like before, when they'd all thought he was lost to them.
She remembered the look on Noah's face then. The same one she'd seen on Henry's tonight. Her chest tightened at the thought of the little boy who would never know his mother. Nikolas was too young to be able to understand what happened. The older he grew, the more faded the memories of his mother would become until there was nothing left but a vague shape in his mind.
Noah had told her once that all he ever remembered of his birth mother was that she smelled like apples.
Rubbing a hand over her face, she shook her head, cleared it of all that emotional crap that clouded her mind. She needed to focus, to look at the case from all angles and try to help Noah and Harrison figure it out. She had to catch the son of a bitch who did this.
“Don't you do anything stupid.”
Jade jumped at the sound of Luke's voice, met his eyes as he stared back at her and she frowned. Opening the screen door slowly, she checked his hands for anything that might have been hers.
He laughed softly. “I'm not doing my mumbo jumbo on you. I just know you.”
Jade rolled her eyes, walking over to sit next to him, bumping their shoulders together. “Smart ass.”
He gave her a sweet smile, brought his hand to wrap over her shoulders and let her lean into him, head resting next to his. They sat in silence, watching the night pass by, letting the sadness of the day wash over them and Jade felt the tension coil tighter in Luke before he spoke.
“I fucking hate this.”
She nodded, holding his hand in hers. “I know.”
“I can't even be there, you know?”
She squeezed his fingers gently. “You are there, though. Luke, you're always with him.”
Luke made a quiet derisive sound, rubbed his hand on her arm and shook his head. “Not the same.”
After a stretch, she said quietly, “He was taking Henry home first.” She watched Luke close his eyes and swallow back tears.
“I can't even imagine what Henry is going through.”
“Me neither.”
She felt the words leaving her mouth before she could think to stop them. “In case you don't know or I haven't told you enough... I love you, Luke.”
Luke dropped a kiss on her temple.
“I love you back.”
*
Harrison leaned against the door frame, taking in the sight of the long body bent over the desk, fingers flying over the keyboard with an ease he could never manage. Reports were an every day part of his work but he'd never really mastered the art of writing them. Jade tended to make fun of him for that.
The typing stopped for a moment and his gaze followed the stretch of arms, falling on the exposed skin that peeked out over the crisp white button down shirt. His fingers itched to press there, to smooth out the tension he knew he'd find in those muscles.
He glanced at the wall clock, noting that if he managed to get them out of the office in the next few minutes, maybe dinner, a real one, would be a possibility. Mentally crossing his fingers, he quietly stepped through the door, his feet sinking into the plush carpet. The typing commenced with some fervor and Harrison frowned at the deep lines of concentration he could see from even this distance.
He paused at the edge of the desk, placed one hand on the back of JJ's neck and rubbed his thumb over the soft hair there.
“Hey.”
JJ turned into the caress, closing his eyes and breathing deep. “Hi.” He canted his face up to look at him and Harrison knew that invitation too well. Leaning down, he brushed his lips over JJ's, caught the quick inhale of breath and pressed firmly. He felt JJ give in, mouth opening under his and the heat that was always simmering inside Harrison ignited fast.
He could stay like that for as long as it was possible.
Which was never long enough, he thought, as JJ pulled back and away, scooting his chair an inch over.
Harrison knew the drill by now.
Trailing his hand down JJ's neck to his back, he rubbed a soothing pattern into the stiff shoulders, working out the tension while he asked the big question of the night.
“You ready to go home?”
He already knew the answer.
“Not tonight.”
Biting back the retort that had immediately formed on his tongue, Harrison let his hands fall away, turning the chair around to face him. The defiant look was there before he'd even had one word out. He weighed in his mind how badly he wanted to win this. How important it was to make sure JJ ate something that wasn't from a vending machine. That he slept in a bed instead of the torture device in his office he called a couch.
He wanted to bury his face in JJ's warm skin, breath him in, forget that he'd found Vienna dead. Lose himself in his – he wasn't even sure how to finish that thought. What they were or would be was a mystery Harrison was afraid he'd never figure out.
He met stormy gray eyes and sighed. “Okay.” Like always, he would take what he could get.
At that response, the look in JJ's eyes warmed, his smile almost sweet and he reached for Harrison's hands, tracing his knuckles softly. “I just – it's Vienna.” He looked at him, like he knew Harrison would understand because it was what they did. Their jobs were their lives and this – this was more than just another case for Harrison to solve. It was more than just a killer that JJ would have to put away for good.
This was about family.
And Harrison wanted to hold the person that represented his family, tell him about his day. Let his anger and pain loose, knowing that someone would catch him. He needed them to be more than they were.
But that wasn't how it worked.
He'd known that going in.
He bent down, dropped a kiss on JJ's forehead, enjoying the closeness for a long moment before he stepped away, brushing his fingers over JJ's face. “Don't work too hard, Joseph.”
JJ shook his head. “I won't. You get some rest.”
Harrison nodded, smiled one last time and turned, walking steadily to the door. He felt JJ's gaze on him all the way out in the hall.
He didn't want to think what that might mean.
*
Carly wiped her eyes with a napkin, closing them in order to calm down before she headed back into her living room and Henry. Her heart gave a twist at the pain she knew her friend was feeling. This feeling of helplessness that was all too familiar when it came to the men she loved. She had never been able to be what Jack needed. She had failed her sons. And now –
Shaking her head clear, she mentally kicked herself for turning this into something about her. Henry's wife was dead. That was the fact that she needed to focus on. Helping her best friend deal with his loss was her first priority. Her mind flashed to Noah's face and she felt that lurch once more.
They were her first priority.
Someone crossed the doorway and she turned, blinked when she saw Neil in the doorway. He stared back at her and she felt that rush of warmth that looking at her husband always gave her. In the back of her mind, she knew his love for her was greater and the guilt gnawed at her some nights when her dreams would turn to someone else.
But she loved him as much as she could and they had promised to be there for each other. He'd never failed her in that and she hoped she wouldn't ever fail him.
“What are you doing here?”
His smile was sad. “Noah called. I took the first flight out of New York.”
Of course Noah had called him. That was her kid. Always thinking of others before he thought of himself.
Neil dropped his bag, opened his arms and she was in them before either of them could blink. The tears she'd been holding back stung her eyes and Neil's hand soothed down her back. They stood that way for several moments until she remembered why she'd been in there. Pulling away, she kissed Neil soundly, sweet and this side of longing before letting go. He wiped her face with his thumbs and nodded his understanding.
Turning to pick up the tea she had prepared, she threw him one last small smile, breathed deep as she walked into her living room. The sight of Henry and Katie, their arms around each other, faces slanted with grief and pain almost made Carly fall to her knees. It was palpable, their aching and she thought it would be best if she gave them each other. Setting the tray down, she brushed a hand over Katie's head as she passed by and stopped to drop a kiss on Henry's.
Stepping around the couch, she picked up her phone and jacket, heading to the door. Once outside she could breathe fully again and did as she bundled into her jacket before pressing the right button on her cell. It rang and rang and rang which made her frown.
Voicemail picked up while she tried not to worry too much.
“You've reached Noah Mayer, please leave a message and I'll return your call as soon as I can. Thanks.”
She opened her mouth to tell him that he needed to make sure to call her. Or to assure him that Henry was okay. Or even to ask if he'd spoken to Luke, which had always been what Noah did when he was upset. He found his comfort in Luke.
But none of those things came out when she spoke.
“Hey, baby. Not to sound like Stevie Wonder, and is that dating me or what, I just called to say I love you.”
It was all she knew he could probably handle and all she could really do.
*
Casey eyed Noah's phone as it began to ring again for the fourth time in the last half hour. The name on the display read Mom and he turned to let Noah know, when he caught the hunted look in his friend's eyes. He watched Noah swallow the last dregs from the bottom of his beer bottle and get up, heading to the kitchen for another.
Daisy looked up from her playpen as he passed by, grinning when she saw Noah, her little hand reaching up to hand him her stuffed frog, Clyde (the frog had been from Noah, the name from Luke). “Nono!”
That stopped Noah dead in his tracks and when he glanced down at Casey's daughter, his face cleared. “For me, Ladybug?” He stooped to grab Clyde, met the little girl eye to eye and peppered kisses on Daisy's forehead. Casey smiled when she giggled, chubby fingers grabbing Noah's cheeks.
Noah smiled wide and picked Daisy up, his trip to the kitchen forgotten. Turning back toward the sofa, he took the seat next to Casey, placing Daisy between them where they could both find comfort her innocence and sweetness.
Casey waited patiently, playing peek-a-boo with his daughter, his heart expanding every time her tinkling laughter filled the air. It helped with the fear that had burrowed its way there. He couldn't imagine how Henry felt. Every memory he had of Vienna had come rushing back the moment he'd heard and that had been...
There was no description for what Henry must have been going through.
“I thought I had been wrong.”
Casey glanced up at Noah, watched the emotions that were never easy to read flash across his friend's face and felt his stomach clench. He remembered that look, hated it with an intensity he could never really explain. Noah had twisted himself into a complicated pretzel of guilt and Casey knew – from experience – that nothing anyone could say to him would change that.
But that wasn't going to stop him from trying.
“Noah. Don't.”
Noah looked over at him, eyes brimmed with tears. “Don't what? Tell the truth?” He wiped a hand over his face, making the wetness disappear and taking a deep breath before he continued. “When I left Luke...”
Casey closed his eyes because this conversation was a long time coming and what he needed to say – he had to be careful.
Noah cleared his throat and stared down at his hands. “I spent months doubting the decision to leave him.”
Casey raised an eyebrow. He'd known that but hearing it from Noah was unexpected. It was the first time Noah had acknowledged having done that. This conversation wasn't going as Casey expected.
“Every time I saw him – saw the pain he was in – all I wanted to do was to beg him to come home. To make him stay here. Make him stay safe. He's been waiting for me, Case.”
“I know.”
“But I wasn't wrong. I can't keep anyone safe. Anyone. He's better off and this?” Noah waved around him and met Casey's stare. The pain there made Casey's chest hurt. “This makes it clear.” When Casey tried to speak Noah cut him off. “He woke up from a coma I put him in and the only thing I could see clearly was that I couldn't save him when he needed me to. I wasn't enough. I never would be.”
Noah laughed mirthlessly. “Damian was right. Nothing I do will ever make up for doing that to him. Nothing I do will make up for losing Liberty...for losing Vienna.”
Casey shook his head. “Stop it.”
Noah opened his mouth but Casey held up his hand. “Don't take this on your shoulders. It's not your fault, Noah. It's never been your fault. What happened then happened because a crazy psycho fucked with your life. And this? This is the same thing, man, this isn't your fault.” He played with Daisy's fingers as she tipped her head back against his chest, her eyes so like her mother making Casey lose his train of thought for a second. She smiled up at him sleepily and snuggled closer. He looked up to find Noah watching them, his eyes softening, open and unguarded like was rare.
Casey took the chance.
“When I left Jade -”
Noah blinked at him and waited. Casey never talked about any of that. It had been the hugest mistake in a life full of mistakes that he could never ever make up for.
“When I left Jade, it wasn't because that's what she wanted or needed. I knew better. I knew that if I stayed, she'd forgive me. Eventually.” He sighed and locked eyes with his best friend. “I left because I couldn't handle knowing that. Knowing that someone loved me so much she could forgive that kind of betrayal. She was my wife and I couldn't let myself see how much I loved her.”
Noah didn't say anything just studied Casey's face as he told his truth.
“I was a fucking coward, Noah.”
He kissed his daughter's head and said quietly. “Don't be me now.”
Noah's response broke his heart. “I already am.”
Casey shook his head. “You've never been a coward. You've never given up, Noah. Not really. Don't start now.”
Noah's head dropped and he closed his eyes, letting out a ragged, watery sigh. “What if I can't fix this? Find justice for Vienna? Find my way back to Luke?”
Casey didn't know what to say so he did the only thing he could. He held onto his sleeping daughter and scooted closer to Noah. Noah raised his head to look at him and Casey hunched up one shoulder. It wasn't much but it was what he could give his friend. Noah almost smiled before leaning his head on Casey's shoulder.
They sat in silence listening to Daisy's quiet breathing.
-Chapter Thirteen-
banner made by
kari77 - thank you so much, sweetie!Title: Find Your Way Through Me
Author:
freakykatRating: NC-17
Chapter: Chapter Twelve
Pairing: Luke/Noah, some other surprise pairings
Summary: Where there is darkness, find your way through me.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything.
Beta: The phenomenal and wonderful
noelleleithe who has steadily and patiently been kicking my ass to finish this.W/C: 3925
Warnings: MAJOR ANGST, some character death, violence
Author’s Note: Hey guys, sorry about the three month delay. Big Bang kicked my ass. However, since the new NaNo is just around the corner I will be posting at least one chapter every Sunday (possibly more) until it's finally all up. Thanks for the patience.
Story Notes: Found in Chapter One.
All chapters found here.
Chapter Twelve
Luke leaned his head back, watching the stars appear in the night sky and he took another sip of Emma’s hot chocolate. It could cure everything.
Except his fights with Noah.
Those were far and few between but when they happened - they were rough. They were both stubborn. And they both loved each other too much to hold back. Which was really fucked up but at least it was honest.
He hadn’t wanted to have his parent’s relationship. Threading around each other while you lied. Hurting each other every day. Never dealing with what was in front of them.
That wasn’t how it was supposed to work.
So, no matter how much it hurt, he and Noah never shoved anything aside.
He didn’t look up when he heard the creak of the porch door. Just pushed gently against the floor with bare feet and set the porch swing in motion.
Noah took the seat next to his, tucking his feet up on the padded bench and turning sideways to lean against the wooden arm. There was a rustling sound and Luke was too curious not to glance over. Noah held a paper bag from Al’s in his hand.
“You think bringing Vienna’s peanut butter cookies is going to make me stop thinking you’re a jackass?”
Noah glanced up, raising an eyebrow. “Who said they were for you?”
Luke snorted but said nothing as he gulped another bit of his chocolate.
They sat in silence for some time, the only sounds being the quiet squeak of the swing, Noah’s soft munching and Luke’s occasional sips. Maybe a random cricket or two made it into the symphony they had going.
Luke knew Noah was going to speak and he cut him off quickly. “If this is the start of another ‘I’m not good father material’ speech, you can save it.”
Noah cleared his throat and Luke looked over reluctantly. He knew Noah believed that somehow being the Colonel’s son made him unworthy or unable to be a parent. It didn’t help that Jack and Carly had barely made a stable home for him.
“I’m scared to screw it up, Luke.” He held up his hand when Luke started to argue and continued. “And this doesn’t have anything to do with Carly. Because yeah - she fucked up a lot - but I never thought she didn’t love me. That’s the one thing I know about my mother. She loves me.”
Luke set his cup down on the floor and turned to face Noah.
“Then what is it?”
“I love you. I love you so much it fucking hurts.”
Luke swallowed and reached his hand out to take Noah’s. “I’m there with you, baby.” He waited while Noah gathered his thoughts or courage to keep talking. “Go ahead.”
Noah set the bag aside and scooted up until their knees touched and he could grip the back of Luke’s head. “I don’t want to screw this up and I - I don’t know if you - what if you decide one day that you‘ve had enough of my bullshit?”
Luke blinked at Noah. “Wait. You think I’m - baby, I’m not going anywhere.” He pulled their heads together. “And please. I think my shit beats yours any day of the week, okay? Are you planning on walking away?”
Noah shook his head. “I couldn’t even if I wanted to.”
Luke smiled, fingers sliding down Noah’s face gently. “Okay, then. Good. But what does that have to do with having kids?”
Noah glanced away, a muscle in his jaw ticking, and Luke knew the words before they came out. “What if I’m not good enough for that? DNA talks, Luke. And my father -”
“Was an asshole who never loved anyone. That’s not you.”
Noah shook his head and looked away. Luke sighed, grabbing his chin and forcing his gaze back, locking it with his own. “Listen to me, Mayer. You are one of the most decent men I have ever known. You’re kind and fair. You live - literally - to protect others. You love so deeply that it scares me sometimes. I’ve seen you with my brother and sisters. They love you. Ethan thinks you hung the moon. I've watched you raise your brothers and sister. You’d die for them. For me. For anyone you love. You will be a great father.”
Luke kissed Noah’s rebuttal away, holding his face with both hands, until he felt Noah give way, open up to him. When he pulled back, Noah’s eyes fluttered open and he grinned at Luke. “Your powers of persuasion are mighty, Snyder.”
Luke laughed, shaking his head. “You are a dork.”
Noah nodded. “But you love me anyway.”
“Sadly this is true.”
“Oh, fuck you.”
Noah’s face turned serious and he sighed. “I want everything with you, Luke. But I’m not sure I’m ready yet.”
Luke rolled his eyes. “No shit. I wasn’t talking about going out and adopting tomorrow. I just - I want to have a family someday. With you. I just want that option.”
Noah nodded, leaning back and Luke repositioned himself, back to Noah’s chest, sighing when warm arms wrapped around him.
“I’m open to that option.”
Luke grinned, turning his head slightly to accept a kiss. “Good.” He glanced down at the fallen bag and raised an eyebrow. “What do you say we seal the deal? You give me some o' them there cookies and I’ll let you have some of Emma’s hot chocolate.”
Noah’s laugh rumbled out into the night.
*
Jade stood near the back door watching as her cousin, her best friend, stared unseeing out into the moon-shadowed fields. She bit back a sigh, rolling her head slowly to ease the tension that had gathered at the base of her spine. Closing her eyes, she tried not to see Vienna's pale, cold body as it had been when she'd taken Henry down to the morgue to identify his wife. It was a part of it, especially in a town like Oakdale, to expect to know some of the bodies that she might run across in the course of her job. It wasn't the first time.
She feared it wouldn't be the last.
It was a scary thought. Oakdale wasn't a mecca for most anything but it had its fair share of crime for a town with such a small population. Sometimes, Jade thought she might want to take her chances in the city. The crime rate was higher but so was the number of people; it made the odds stack more in your favor.
Jade shivered as a crisp wind blew around them, drifting through the mesh of the screen door. Her eyes fell on Luke once more and she didn't want to think about what it had been like before, when they'd all thought he was lost to them.
She remembered the look on Noah's face then. The same one she'd seen on Henry's tonight. Her chest tightened at the thought of the little boy who would never know his mother. Nikolas was too young to be able to understand what happened. The older he grew, the more faded the memories of his mother would become until there was nothing left but a vague shape in his mind.
Noah had told her once that all he ever remembered of his birth mother was that she smelled like apples.
Rubbing a hand over her face, she shook her head, cleared it of all that emotional crap that clouded her mind. She needed to focus, to look at the case from all angles and try to help Noah and Harrison figure it out. She had to catch the son of a bitch who did this.
“Don't you do anything stupid.”
Jade jumped at the sound of Luke's voice, met his eyes as he stared back at her and she frowned. Opening the screen door slowly, she checked his hands for anything that might have been hers.
He laughed softly. “I'm not doing my mumbo jumbo on you. I just know you.”
Jade rolled her eyes, walking over to sit next to him, bumping their shoulders together. “Smart ass.”
He gave her a sweet smile, brought his hand to wrap over her shoulders and let her lean into him, head resting next to his. They sat in silence, watching the night pass by, letting the sadness of the day wash over them and Jade felt the tension coil tighter in Luke before he spoke.
“I fucking hate this.”
She nodded, holding his hand in hers. “I know.”
“I can't even be there, you know?”
She squeezed his fingers gently. “You are there, though. Luke, you're always with him.”
Luke made a quiet derisive sound, rubbed his hand on her arm and shook his head. “Not the same.”
After a stretch, she said quietly, “He was taking Henry home first.” She watched Luke close his eyes and swallow back tears.
“I can't even imagine what Henry is going through.”
“Me neither.”
She felt the words leaving her mouth before she could think to stop them. “In case you don't know or I haven't told you enough... I love you, Luke.”
Luke dropped a kiss on her temple.
“I love you back.”
*
Harrison leaned against the door frame, taking in the sight of the long body bent over the desk, fingers flying over the keyboard with an ease he could never manage. Reports were an every day part of his work but he'd never really mastered the art of writing them. Jade tended to make fun of him for that.
The typing stopped for a moment and his gaze followed the stretch of arms, falling on the exposed skin that peeked out over the crisp white button down shirt. His fingers itched to press there, to smooth out the tension he knew he'd find in those muscles.
He glanced at the wall clock, noting that if he managed to get them out of the office in the next few minutes, maybe dinner, a real one, would be a possibility. Mentally crossing his fingers, he quietly stepped through the door, his feet sinking into the plush carpet. The typing commenced with some fervor and Harrison frowned at the deep lines of concentration he could see from even this distance.
He paused at the edge of the desk, placed one hand on the back of JJ's neck and rubbed his thumb over the soft hair there.
“Hey.”
JJ turned into the caress, closing his eyes and breathing deep. “Hi.” He canted his face up to look at him and Harrison knew that invitation too well. Leaning down, he brushed his lips over JJ's, caught the quick inhale of breath and pressed firmly. He felt JJ give in, mouth opening under his and the heat that was always simmering inside Harrison ignited fast.
He could stay like that for as long as it was possible.
Which was never long enough, he thought, as JJ pulled back and away, scooting his chair an inch over.
Harrison knew the drill by now.
Trailing his hand down JJ's neck to his back, he rubbed a soothing pattern into the stiff shoulders, working out the tension while he asked the big question of the night.
“You ready to go home?”
He already knew the answer.
“Not tonight.”
Biting back the retort that had immediately formed on his tongue, Harrison let his hands fall away, turning the chair around to face him. The defiant look was there before he'd even had one word out. He weighed in his mind how badly he wanted to win this. How important it was to make sure JJ ate something that wasn't from a vending machine. That he slept in a bed instead of the torture device in his office he called a couch.
He wanted to bury his face in JJ's warm skin, breath him in, forget that he'd found Vienna dead. Lose himself in his – he wasn't even sure how to finish that thought. What they were or would be was a mystery Harrison was afraid he'd never figure out.
He met stormy gray eyes and sighed. “Okay.” Like always, he would take what he could get.
At that response, the look in JJ's eyes warmed, his smile almost sweet and he reached for Harrison's hands, tracing his knuckles softly. “I just – it's Vienna.” He looked at him, like he knew Harrison would understand because it was what they did. Their jobs were their lives and this – this was more than just another case for Harrison to solve. It was more than just a killer that JJ would have to put away for good.
This was about family.
And Harrison wanted to hold the person that represented his family, tell him about his day. Let his anger and pain loose, knowing that someone would catch him. He needed them to be more than they were.
But that wasn't how it worked.
He'd known that going in.
He bent down, dropped a kiss on JJ's forehead, enjoying the closeness for a long moment before he stepped away, brushing his fingers over JJ's face. “Don't work too hard, Joseph.”
JJ shook his head. “I won't. You get some rest.”
Harrison nodded, smiled one last time and turned, walking steadily to the door. He felt JJ's gaze on him all the way out in the hall.
He didn't want to think what that might mean.
*
Carly wiped her eyes with a napkin, closing them in order to calm down before she headed back into her living room and Henry. Her heart gave a twist at the pain she knew her friend was feeling. This feeling of helplessness that was all too familiar when it came to the men she loved. She had never been able to be what Jack needed. She had failed her sons. And now –
Shaking her head clear, she mentally kicked herself for turning this into something about her. Henry's wife was dead. That was the fact that she needed to focus on. Helping her best friend deal with his loss was her first priority. Her mind flashed to Noah's face and she felt that lurch once more.
They were her first priority.
Someone crossed the doorway and she turned, blinked when she saw Neil in the doorway. He stared back at her and she felt that rush of warmth that looking at her husband always gave her. In the back of her mind, she knew his love for her was greater and the guilt gnawed at her some nights when her dreams would turn to someone else.
But she loved him as much as she could and they had promised to be there for each other. He'd never failed her in that and she hoped she wouldn't ever fail him.
“What are you doing here?”
His smile was sad. “Noah called. I took the first flight out of New York.”
Of course Noah had called him. That was her kid. Always thinking of others before he thought of himself.
Neil dropped his bag, opened his arms and she was in them before either of them could blink. The tears she'd been holding back stung her eyes and Neil's hand soothed down her back. They stood that way for several moments until she remembered why she'd been in there. Pulling away, she kissed Neil soundly, sweet and this side of longing before letting go. He wiped her face with his thumbs and nodded his understanding.
Turning to pick up the tea she had prepared, she threw him one last small smile, breathed deep as she walked into her living room. The sight of Henry and Katie, their arms around each other, faces slanted with grief and pain almost made Carly fall to her knees. It was palpable, their aching and she thought it would be best if she gave them each other. Setting the tray down, she brushed a hand over Katie's head as she passed by and stopped to drop a kiss on Henry's.
Stepping around the couch, she picked up her phone and jacket, heading to the door. Once outside she could breathe fully again and did as she bundled into her jacket before pressing the right button on her cell. It rang and rang and rang which made her frown.
Voicemail picked up while she tried not to worry too much.
“You've reached Noah Mayer, please leave a message and I'll return your call as soon as I can. Thanks.”
She opened her mouth to tell him that he needed to make sure to call her. Or to assure him that Henry was okay. Or even to ask if he'd spoken to Luke, which had always been what Noah did when he was upset. He found his comfort in Luke.
But none of those things came out when she spoke.
“Hey, baby. Not to sound like Stevie Wonder, and is that dating me or what, I just called to say I love you.”
It was all she knew he could probably handle and all she could really do.
*
Casey eyed Noah's phone as it began to ring again for the fourth time in the last half hour. The name on the display read Mom and he turned to let Noah know, when he caught the hunted look in his friend's eyes. He watched Noah swallow the last dregs from the bottom of his beer bottle and get up, heading to the kitchen for another.
Daisy looked up from her playpen as he passed by, grinning when she saw Noah, her little hand reaching up to hand him her stuffed frog, Clyde (the frog had been from Noah, the name from Luke). “Nono!”
That stopped Noah dead in his tracks and when he glanced down at Casey's daughter, his face cleared. “For me, Ladybug?” He stooped to grab Clyde, met the little girl eye to eye and peppered kisses on Daisy's forehead. Casey smiled when she giggled, chubby fingers grabbing Noah's cheeks.
Noah smiled wide and picked Daisy up, his trip to the kitchen forgotten. Turning back toward the sofa, he took the seat next to Casey, placing Daisy between them where they could both find comfort her innocence and sweetness.
Casey waited patiently, playing peek-a-boo with his daughter, his heart expanding every time her tinkling laughter filled the air. It helped with the fear that had burrowed its way there. He couldn't imagine how Henry felt. Every memory he had of Vienna had come rushing back the moment he'd heard and that had been...
There was no description for what Henry must have been going through.
“I thought I had been wrong.”
Casey glanced up at Noah, watched the emotions that were never easy to read flash across his friend's face and felt his stomach clench. He remembered that look, hated it with an intensity he could never really explain. Noah had twisted himself into a complicated pretzel of guilt and Casey knew – from experience – that nothing anyone could say to him would change that.
But that wasn't going to stop him from trying.
“Noah. Don't.”
Noah looked over at him, eyes brimmed with tears. “Don't what? Tell the truth?” He wiped a hand over his face, making the wetness disappear and taking a deep breath before he continued. “When I left Luke...”
Casey closed his eyes because this conversation was a long time coming and what he needed to say – he had to be careful.
Noah cleared his throat and stared down at his hands. “I spent months doubting the decision to leave him.”
Casey raised an eyebrow. He'd known that but hearing it from Noah was unexpected. It was the first time Noah had acknowledged having done that. This conversation wasn't going as Casey expected.
“Every time I saw him – saw the pain he was in – all I wanted to do was to beg him to come home. To make him stay here. Make him stay safe. He's been waiting for me, Case.”
“I know.”
“But I wasn't wrong. I can't keep anyone safe. Anyone. He's better off and this?” Noah waved around him and met Casey's stare. The pain there made Casey's chest hurt. “This makes it clear.” When Casey tried to speak Noah cut him off. “He woke up from a coma I put him in and the only thing I could see clearly was that I couldn't save him when he needed me to. I wasn't enough. I never would be.”
Noah laughed mirthlessly. “Damian was right. Nothing I do will ever make up for doing that to him. Nothing I do will make up for losing Liberty...for losing Vienna.”
Casey shook his head. “Stop it.”
Noah opened his mouth but Casey held up his hand. “Don't take this on your shoulders. It's not your fault, Noah. It's never been your fault. What happened then happened because a crazy psycho fucked with your life. And this? This is the same thing, man, this isn't your fault.” He played with Daisy's fingers as she tipped her head back against his chest, her eyes so like her mother making Casey lose his train of thought for a second. She smiled up at him sleepily and snuggled closer. He looked up to find Noah watching them, his eyes softening, open and unguarded like was rare.
Casey took the chance.
“When I left Jade -”
Noah blinked at him and waited. Casey never talked about any of that. It had been the hugest mistake in a life full of mistakes that he could never ever make up for.
“When I left Jade, it wasn't because that's what she wanted or needed. I knew better. I knew that if I stayed, she'd forgive me. Eventually.” He sighed and locked eyes with his best friend. “I left because I couldn't handle knowing that. Knowing that someone loved me so much she could forgive that kind of betrayal. She was my wife and I couldn't let myself see how much I loved her.”
Noah didn't say anything just studied Casey's face as he told his truth.
“I was a fucking coward, Noah.”
He kissed his daughter's head and said quietly. “Don't be me now.”
Noah's response broke his heart. “I already am.”
Casey shook his head. “You've never been a coward. You've never given up, Noah. Not really. Don't start now.”
Noah's head dropped and he closed his eyes, letting out a ragged, watery sigh. “What if I can't fix this? Find justice for Vienna? Find my way back to Luke?”
Casey didn't know what to say so he did the only thing he could. He held onto his sleeping daughter and scooted closer to Noah. Noah raised his head to look at him and Casey hunched up one shoulder. It wasn't much but it was what he could give his friend. Noah almost smiled before leaning his head on Casey's shoulder.
They sat in silence listening to Daisy's quiet breathing.
-Chapter Thirteen-