FIC: The way your innocence tastes, brian/justin (qaf), Alt choice #31, 30 ballads challenge

[freakykat]

banner made by qafmaniac 

Title: The way your innocence tastes
Author: (freakykat)
Pairing: Brian/Justin
Fandom: Queer as Folk
Theme: ROCK Alt. Choice #31 “Better Than Me” by Hinder
Rating: PG-13
Content: mostly angst, implied slash
Word Count: 650
Summary: He always knew…
Disclaimer: Don’t own Queer as Folk. They belong to CowLip, Ron and Dan and Showtime, who should have treated them better. I only like to play with them. When I’m done I’ll wipe them off and put them back.
A/N: Written for 30_ballads challenge for Alt. Choice #31, "Better Than Me” by Hinder. Much thanks and love to my beta wouldbedorothy . This is basically a 220 gap filler. Don't ask, I have no idea where this came from...

   
The way your innocence tastes


It’s the quiet he can‘t stand now.

It used to be different. There was a time when all he ever wanted was silence. It suited him once. The vast emptiness he was surrounded with until it seeped inside and he pretended it just was.

Now it was thick and suffocating.

He hears the scrape of metal, the sound echoing through the loft, and that final boom as the door closes. The soft padding of his shoes starts and stops across the bare floor. Brian can feel him. He can always feel Justin. He allows his eyes to find him, half hidden in the darkness. And, even from this distance… one that’s more than mere feet… he can tell that he is breaking.

He’d known it for a long time. Everyone liked to think he was oblivious, that he could give a shit, and the truth was, he preferred it that way. The numbness had served him well. But alone, in the absence of light, Brian had known. You didn’t sleep next to someone every night and not know. He felt the loss… the growing resentment… the space between them. He still wonders why he chose to ignore it and refuses to examine the truth that screams inside his head.

His chest tightens as he watches him slowly walk forward, feet dragging as he comes to stand at the foot of the bed. Their eyes meet, and Brian can see it clearly now. Those things he’d ignored before: the pain in his eyes, the despair sketched across his face, the hopelessness that he’d thought they’d manage to banish away under blue lights and silk.

But it’s all there between the light and shadow sketched across his skin as he pulls off his shirt, eyes not quite meeting Brian’s anymore. He drops it softly, and Brian swallows back what he refuses to name. He remembers when they bought it… their hands melding together in the dressing room, skin against skin, the soft moans against his throat… and he fights the blur of his vision.

He stood before him now, clad only in his underwear, tired and confused and needing…

And, in that moment, Brian knew.

Knew that Justin would leave him. Knew that he would choose to retain some of the innocence that had been taken from him. Choose what he needed over what he wanted.

And it was how it should be.

It’s instinct, he tells himself, that makes him pull back the cover and allow him into their - his bed. That fucking desire he still has to make it better. To fix what he helped break inside Justin.

He watches him crawl up the bed, wraps him inside the warmth of his scent… wanting to leave his mark, no matter how temporary… and rests his arm across him. He grabs one wrist, thumb stroking the skin gently, and then moves to the next, following the same pattern. Speaking in actions those words he can’t - he won’t. He can feel his pain coursing through him and wonders why someone so young - barely nineteen - deserved that.

He didn’t.

He deserved more. Better than him.

Brian knew that.

He would ease it somehow. Make it less for him.

He told himself he wouldn’t miss him. Wouldn’t remember the smell of his skin. The feel of his hair on his face. The way his innocence tasted. The sound of his voice as he chattered on about his day. He wouldn’t miss the light…

Because he would let it sink into his skin. He would hold him now, close his eyes, and let that be enough. Let that be all.

He would let him go… and shove what was left into that box inside. And, in the end, it would just be like everything else there. Memories that sustained him.

It was enough.

It had to be. 

ã

copyright 2008 Kat Caraballo

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

aaahhhhwwww, girl... fuck... no words, only buckets and buckets of tears... not sure who's in more agony, me or Brian... your introspective pieces always shatters my heart - I should know by now not to read it at the office!!!! not that it will be any less painful at home... I shouldn't actually read it all, I don't do despair well! but you know I can't resist anything that's got your name to it. now, please make it all better... please take Justin home (your Time-series) and get rid of Ian (Indebted) and get Randy to jump Gale (The right words story - sorry, don't think I've got the title right!). please...

[secretsolitaire.livejournal.com]

Ah, this scene kills me. I love it, but it kills me.

He’d known it for a long time. Everyone liked to think he was oblivious, that he could give a shit, and the truth was, he preferred it that way. The numbness had served him well. But alone, in the absence of light, Brian had known. You didn’t sleep next to someone every night and not know.

*nods* Brian is the king of denial, but he knew. Justin wasn't exactly hiding his feelings. :-(

[sexy-pumpkin.livejournal.com]

Why do I read your fics? Ill tell you why, because they are so freakin awsome, but I swear you are out to kill me :D I still can't watch past 215, but I remember everything about the end of S2 & when Brian pulls back the covers for Justin, I die everytime, just to sad & perfect all at the same time, I'm sorry excuse my ignorance, but how many of these are you writing? & how often, they will be just beautiful I imagine, let me know OK, have a wonderful Monday,,hugs J.xx

[sexy-pumpkin.livejournal.com]

Ok so I saw the other entries on your LJ, but I could'nt get them up to read, are they on another site or journal, how can I read them all? let me know OK, many thanks,J.xx

[alasse.livejournal.com]

OMG. You just killed me ded with sadness here. This has to be one of the toughest, most painful scenes in the series. It makes me cry, and want to scream, and god... you captured it SO well. I'm always amazed at how stunning and *right* your characterisation of Brian is. Amazing, amazing, and painful.
Hugs,
Arlad

[elirielliri]

Absolutely beautiful..........

[sheira66.livejournal.com]

Ok that physically hurt to read it was so good...must run and find Brian now so I can give him big snuggles...
Cheers
sme

[jojothecr.livejournal.com]

Oh my... this is just wow. So sad, but so beautiful.
Perfectly written.

[bluemchenkaffee.livejournal.com]

I have tears in my eyes because your story was so sad, but it was beautiful at the same time, especially this line:

To fix what he helped break inside Justin.

Susanne

[wildsweet-angel.livejournal.com]

Beautifully written and so sad. You've managed to capture what Brian was thinking in words. You could see the pain in his face in that scene. He knew he was going to lose his Sunshine. Lovely job!

[kari77.livejournal.com]

Oh, hon, what a fantastic ficlet! My heart is bleeding all over the place. *sobs*

Just listened to the song and was already crying before I started reading your ficlet. The lyrics are so fitting for 220 ...

And, in that moment, Brian knew.

Knew that Justin would leave him. Knew that he would choose to retain some of the innocence that had been taken from him. Choose what he needed over what he wanted.

He grabs one wrist, thumb stroking the skin gently, and then moves to the next, following the same pattern. Speaking in actions those words he can’t - he won’t.

You describe it so perfectly, and the pain is just overwhelming.
Just thinking about this scene kills me, and not anywhere near the good way. The looks in their eyes. They both know what will happen, and deep down they also both know that it's stupid and not what they really want, but neither of them is saying a word.
Can't watch it anymore. All I would do is scream: you stupid morons, SAY something, for f*** sake!

Because he would let it sink into his skin. He would hold him now, close his eyes, and let that be enough. Let that be all.
Ok, you wonderful, wonderful writer, this is beyond amazing. And I'm going to be dead now for a while.
CU ...

[jans-intentions.livejournal.com]

Wow, that is such a heartbreaking scene. I really wanted to yell at Brian for being so stubborn.

[peripety]

So beautifully done and so, so sad. Brian's acceptance that Justin would leave him, in the end, is painful and real for the character and you expressed that so well.

The ending was poignantly done:
He would let him go… and shove what was left into that box inside. And, in the end, it would just be like everything else there. Memories that sustained him.

It was enough.

It had to be. *sniffle*

[ladybugkay.livejournal.com]

Feel the pain. That scene alone was enough to break my heart, but the articulation of Brian's thoughts is even more painful.

Well done.

[sannea.livejournal.com]

This is not only amazingly well written (as always) its also so painfully true to the story and the character awwww girl, you do know how to break a heart!

[tsarcasm.livejournal.com]

"It was enough.

It had to be. "

psh!

No, it's not.

It most definately doesn't have to be.

[throws something at you]

See the pouting is totally over.