freakykat | FIC: All of The Secrets (QAF, B/J) Brian POV

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FIC: All of The Secrets (QAF, B/J) Brian POV

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Title: All of The Secrets (It's Only Time series)
Author:

freakykat
Time Frame: Gapfiller - 513 last scene
Summary: Brian grieves for what he has lost. Second short in a series titled It's Only Time. The series should lead up to a work in progress that is underway.
Rating: R
Warnings: Angsty, angsty and more angsty.
Notes: Thanks to

wouldbedorothy for beta-reading especially since she wasn't feeling 100 percent. Props once again, to the song The Darkest Night of All by Lisa Germano which inspired this little drabble of sorts. Feedback much appreciated. I'm a relative newbie to writing for this fandom and slash so constructive criticism especially loved. Thank you to everyone who gave feedback. Much appreciated!
Disclaimer: I own none of this - they belong to Showtime, Cowlip and others. I only play with them a little. Once I'm done, I'll dust them off and give them back.

Note: This is actually the second part in the series. The order is slightly messed up. Please go back to memories and click on "Minutes to Go" which is the first past. Follow the links from there!

All of The Secrets

You knew it would hurt. That when this moment arrived, you would feel everything you’d always avoided. Your fears and excuses for never letting another heart touch yours would have been validated. What were those fucking clichés everyone always used? Heart ripped out? Soul torn apart? Organs ground to dust?

Didn’t even begin to fucking cover it.

You refuse to move from where you’ve been laying for hours. The stiffness in your arms and legs keeps you alert enough, away from the soft seduction of sleep. You bury your face deeper into the sheets, his smell caressing your senses. The pain was preferable to leaving the only piece you had left of him.

You will, eventually, knowing you can’t stay here forever. It wasn’t in your nature to wallow…for too long. But you figure what the fuck. Losing half of yourself deserved as much.

Jesus. You’d turned into a goddamn lesbian.

You could care less at the moment. Later, there would be time to berate and ridicule your actions. Not now. Now you would get to…

Your hands grab at the sheets, fingers tightening around them, and you fight the grief bubbling inside. You feel your stomach and chest shake against the force and you let something akin to a moan escape. One tear manages to come loose before you push down, plugging it away inside.

It was a leak you couldn’t afford. One that you knew would cripple, and that wasn’t going to happen.

You thank whatever force had given you the strength to keep from showing any of this to Justin.

It had taken every bit of willpower to let him go. Not to reach out and grab his arm when he’d pulled out from under you. Not to have turned to look at him when he’d laid his head on you. Just like when you’d first been together and he’d thought you’d been asleep. He’d slide closer, his head on your shoulder or back, and just listen to your breathing.

It was almost your undoing, the kisses he’d placed on your skin, and you were relieved when he simply walked away, the imprint of his lips on your neck and his words in your head.

“I won’t look.”

And you knew he wouldn’t. You’d wanted to open your eyes, to watch him walk out that door.

You couldn’t.

But you knew the moment he did. Felt the moment the sun went out and darkness descended. It even felt colder, staler…color turned to sepia.

Shit.

You had expected the pain but not the emptiness. Not the vast nothing that seemed to weave around the moment you’d heard the soft whoosh of the door. You had to have known it was coming. If you thought about it, you knew you had. That the moment you’d entered him that night, it had been to fill up. To keep some part with you. It had been love that drove you into him.

You could count on one hand the number of times you’d made love in your lifetime.

Never before Justin and you were sure, never again.

The first time had been for him. At least that’s what you had told yourself, in that moment when your bodies, bathed in blue, had succumbed to the quiet of each other. You’d watched him then, feeling your heart swell against your will. Relishing the soft gasps, the feel of your hands in his, your lips on his skin. You’d known you loved him then.

The second time had been a rush of emotions and needs. Kisses replacing apologies and words, hands taking the place of promises and demands. You could admit that one had been for you as much as for him. You’d wanted him to forget the feel of music. You wanted to remember the sound of art. How it consumed and filled everything.

The day he’d accepted your proposal had been the third. It had felt…right. You’d wanted the moment to be special. For him…even for you. Touches filled with love, whispered words and, what you had never given him before, promises.

But…tonight had been for you. You’d entered him over and over, holding onto him for strength. Surrounding your skin with his scent….your mouth with his taste…your hands with his touch. You’d needed to feel him. Deep and hard and…always. You looked into his face, seeing the boy you’d wanted inside the man you loved. Touched his cheek with your hand, finding the evidence of his pain on your skin. You’d held onto him as tightly as you could, needed to feel him there. With you.

You knew now that’d you’d feel him…forever.

You let out a bark of laughter at that thought.

Yep. A fucking lesbian.

The first rays of sun shimmered through the windows and you knew it was time to face the nothing. You stood carefully, loosening the stiff muscles and allowing your eyes to look around you.

The rush of memories hit you before there was even a moment to prepare. Places you’d fucked. Places you’d laughed. Secrets shared and not known were in every corner.

So many things never said filled up the space he’d left behind and for once in your life you *almost* feel…

No apologies. No regrets.

“He loves me.”

“Your dreamy-eyed schoolboy.”

“In ways that you can’t.”

“In ways that I won’t.”

“He told me that I’m all he wants.”

“They still using that one?”

“It’s more than you’ve ever said.”

“And it’s more than I ever will. So, ah, what the fuck are you still doing here.”

“Would you care if I wasn’t?”

You remember that ache from then. Almost wishing that you could tell him how much he’d meant. That you had loved him. But you know that it would have made no difference. That manipulating him to stay would have been unfair. You were not enough then. You never had been.

That little truth was your secret.

You reach for the drink now, still undressed. His dried come on your skin feels like a connection to hold on to. You can’t wash him away. Not yet. You pour the first shot, gulping it down and pouring the next. Dulling the pain had always been easy. Never-ending fucks and bottomless bottles of Beam.

You know this time that won’t be enough.

“What, and you’re so smart? If you had any fucking brains at all you never would have let me leave. You would have told me I was making the biggest mistake of my life. That I would live to regret it. That what you gave me was worth a thousand, a million times more than anything he had to offer. You would have told me that you loved me. That you would go on loving me even after I was gone.”

“Is that what you were waiting to hear?”

“Yes. But as usual you never said it. So it’s just as well that I go.”

It had always been your pattern. To let him walk away, too afraid…too stubborn to tell him the truth. Keeper of secrets you could never tell.

“Then why are we still doing this, if we both know it’s never going to work?”

“Damned if I know.”

And then…the world you knew blew up, shattering everything you ever told yourself you believed. You had realized in that one horrifying moment that you needed him. Like nothing else in your pathetic, empty life.

You dress slowly, not showering for now, and sit on the bed, breathing in slowly when that hurt returns. The emptiness grows and you lie back, reaching into your pocket for a smoke. You light it, inhaling the harsh smoke into your lungs, allowing it to settle before blowing it out slowly.

He had been the one. You know that now. You’re sure you knew it then. Had always known it.

That was why you had to let him go. It was the reason you had lied to him. Pushed him away to chase the dreams he would have given up for you. Let him believe that the life you had been building with him wasn’t what you wanted. That it would have changed you.

You followed the pattern. Of keeping the secret locked away.

And you lied, telling him that you couldn’t live with someone who sacrificed his whole life and called it love. You felt your heart shatter and your pride swell when he’d agreed. You had done exactly what you’d said you didn’t want.

You’d sacrificed your life for his, calling it love.

And you’d watched him go.

He would become someone. The person he was meant to be. The man you’d helped build, and that soothed a part of you. He would leave for the life he was destined to have.

Never knowing that he took yours with him. That everything you ever wanted would leave when he did.

You swallow down the emotion that wants to claw its way up and out of you. Push it down, filling in the empty hole inside. You had changed for him and you couldn’t change back. It would be your secret…nobody needed to know.

Nobody would.

Part Three

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why oh why, do you cause me such delicious pain? *wipes tear* they better be happy in the end! *my most menacing/playful glare* Oh Brian, i love you...........OH and you too freakykat!

I sorry. I agree they better be happy in the end! *hides from glare* I adore Brian so this one especially was hard to write being in his head and all. Awww...you're so sweet!

Oh this was every bit as heartbreaking as the actual episode *sniffle*

Very beautifully written.

Omg! Thank you for that. I actually prepped by watching the episode right before I started to write this to get me in that place.

*hands Kleenex*

I'm so happy you liked it.

*cries inconsolably* God, I don't know if Brian really had the insight to realise it, but it was obvious that that was exactly what he was doing and what was going on in his subconsciousness.

Honestly I think he did have the insight. I believe he knew what he was doing and why. You can especially tell in their last scene when he's watching him pack or when he's handing him the drink, his face says it all.

I really do believe Brian grew up. He had to after what happened to them. I think he was ready for the commitment. It had to happen, the character evolving. Course Cowlip screwed it all up but whatever lol.

I'm sorry I made you cry though. *hugs* Hope it was a good kind though!

(deleted comment)

*puts on padding*

Ow! Your welcome lol!

That part did me in big time. I have the wierdest way of writing especially if it's in 1st or 2nd person, the little actress wanna be in me gets all into the scene and the characters and I end up crying...which isn't exactly condusive to writing but it gets the job done.

I don't blame you for the kick. :)

wow!
'You knew now that’d you’d feel him…forever.'
warning: do not read this at work.

Thank you! And yes great warning! Such a Brian and yet not a Brian thing to think lol...which would explain the "fucking lesbian" comment lol...

beautiful *sniffle* just beautiful *sigh*

Oh thank you! *hugs* I know how you feel. *sigh*

*sobs*

He would become someone. The person he was meant to be. The man you’d helped build, and that soothed a part of you. He would leave for the life he was destined to have.

Never knowing that he took yours with him. That everything you ever wanted would leave when he did.

Written so achingly beautiful.

That is the best feedback. Thank you. I really felt for Brian in that last shot.

You had done exactly what you’d said you didn’t want.

You’d sacrificed your life for his, calling it love.

I might I've died a little here. And I very rarely feel like this about Brian. Very emotional.

Oh dont die! Then you can't read the rest :) Wow. I'm glad that the story did that. I respond with total emotion when it comes to Brian. I don't know why. He just gets to me. As does Justin of course.

Hehe! Everyone's quoting you right and left! Can't decide which line or passage is the most "achingly beautiful" or causes the most "delicious pain"! Answer? All of them! lol ;) I love it!

Hi! Yes they are. I quite like the story myself.

This is one of the most beautiful pieces I have read dealing with the separation they chose instead of the marriage. You have made me very emotional.

You're such a sweetheart! Thank you for this. I'm happy (and hope) you enjoyed the emotional. :)

That was why you had to let him go. It was the reason you had lied to him. Pushed him away to chase the dreams he would have given up for you. Let him believe that the life you had been building with him wasn’t what you wanted. That it would have changed you.

You followed the pattern. Of keeping the secret locked away.

And you lied, telling him that you couldn’t live with someone who sacrificed his whole life and called it love. You felt your heart shatter and your pride swell when he’d agreed. You had done exactly what you’d said you didn’t want.

You’d sacrificed your life for his, calling it love.

*wibbles* Very nicely written. Looking forward to your WIP, as well. Please give them (and us) a happy ending, kthx. :)

Oh you wibbled...*sniffs* Thank you so much. I'm still in the beginning stages of outlining and arcs so forth. Happy ending is a must in B/J land so I'll do my best!

*sob* you made me cry damnit!! but this was so heartbreakingly beautiful...

Oh thank you! I'm glad you like it. Working on the third as I type actually...

*gives over Kleenex*

*grin*

Good god.

A Brian that can admit his hurt and understand that he has changed, and is able to remember the love he has for Justin, even while Justin was hurting him, is overwhelming and powerful.

Your look at Brian's thoughts are wonderful, and this felt real, it felt raw.

Great job.

In some ways I believed this was how he was at the end. The fact that he let Justin go, so he would have a chance, without *really* pushing him away spoke of how much he had really grown.

Thank you! This is one of my favorites!

Uh, this line:

But you figure what the fuck. Losing half of yourself deserved as much.

Yeah. Oh, Brian.

You swallow down the emotion that wants to claw its way up and out of you. Push it down, filling in the empty hole inside. You had changed for him and you couldn’t change back. It would be your secret…nobody needed to know.

Nobody would.

Uh, you better get with the happy soon.

*hugs* Sorry again.

I liked that he was self aware here. I know alot of people don't think he is but he really *is*. He just can't really express it properly.

Anyway, the happy...well there are moments of happy...and alot of growth...and other moments of sadness but it's all good to get them where they belong.

Hang in there and since the rest I hope you don't read all at once, it should be easier to take lol.

You looked into his face, seeing the boy you’d wanted inside the man you loved.

What a fantastic line. That feels like Brian. And keeping it all to himself. *sigh*

It was what he always did. Keep it inside. Sacrifice for what he believed was better for Justin. I like that line too. Thank you!

i don't think brian could find a more poignant way to describe his relationship with justin:

"Losing half of yourself"

the depth of his loss is palpable, even if he thinks he's turned into a lesbian!

He totally has here, hasn't he? At least he knows it. :) I really do think that Brian would never be complete without Justin. Not to say that I don't think he couldn't survive because that's what he does, but he would never really be happy.

Thank you for reading all these! I hope you're getting to enjoy them!

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<You swallow down the emotion that wants to claw its way up and out of you. Push it down, filling in the empty hole inside. You had changed for him and you couldn’t change back. It would be your secret…nobody needed to know.

Nobody would.>

THIS IS ONE OF THE GREATEST POST 513 SERIES' I'VE FOUND!!! it's sooo poetic and beautiful!!!

*blush* Oh gosh. That's just the most wonderful compliment ever! Thank you so much for that. I hope you keep enjoying it!

okay, so i was going to pick out a few things that i really liked but then i'd have to copy and paste the entire chapter because it was all so incredibly, beautifully written. i just loved the mix of what happened in the show with your brian thoughts (which were spot on) and how it all just played so well together.

I'm so happy you like this Brittney. I really felt Brian in that scene when I was watching it. There was just such a mature acceptance and sadness to him. Thank you for commenting!

Very well written

Sam

Thank you kindly! :)

Aw... I feel sad now. What a wonderful jo getting his character down. Just fabulous.

Thank you so much. I try for characterization so this a true compliment!

God,that hurts.I am still crying here.
""But you knew the moment he did. Felt the moment the sun went out and darkness descended. It even felt colder, staler…color turned to sepia.
Intense and powerful....
Off to read more.

Oh gosh. I can't imagine how hard it is to read this in one fell swoop. Thank you for the lovely comments.

*hugs*

my heart was hurting through this whole thing.
it's incredible how you've captured him.

Oh thank you. That means alot because I try hard to keep everyone in character. :)

Wow. I just found this, I read the first two parts so far. This is amazing!
It is very beautifully written,; you really captured Brian and Justin's pain in each chapter. So far, it's so emotional and sad...it gets happier, yes?

Thanks for sharing! **hugs!**

Well, going on to read more...

Oh, thank you for taking the time to read and comment. I love that.

it's so emotional and sad...it gets happier, yes?

Um...yeah, eventually. LOL. It takes some time for them to get back there but yeah.

You're breaking my heart here.

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FIC: All of The Secrets (QAF, B/J) Brian POV

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omg this is gorgeous!!!!

Re: omg this is gorgeous!!!!

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